I normally try to keep my comments "on track"; it is, after all, a kink blog. In spite of that today's entry isn't incredibly kink-related. It's really more along the lines of a "life lesson" than a "kink lesson" (or opinion, or advice, or whatever you consider my entries).
Recently I've talked with a couple of new girls, and I've talked about them a little before. I talked about Maria before, but - due mostly to circumstances beyond both our control - we have almost entirely fallen out of touch. It's manifested in an unpleasant way - not a hostile one, at least as far as I've seen, but an unpleasant one. Still, I will just leave her alone until such time she wants - if she wants - to talk to me again. I'm not happy about it, but... If it's what she believes she needs right now, I choose not to argue the point.
There's another girl - Sarah, let's call her - I haven't talked about yet. I met her on OkCupid and we started talking; we hit it off very well. We have a lot in common and a number of mutual interests, including a number of geeky games and books and such... And including bondage, dom/sub play, sadomasochism, and a common understanding of poly relationships. After speaking for a couple of weeks we agreed to meet, and it would have been last Tuesday; unfortunately, it was cancelled. However, she had something else come up out of her past - something that made her decide she needed to pull away from me - from us, or whatever potential we might have had as a couple. I've gotten comments from a couple of friends that she's lying just to step away from me... But it doesn't matter either way. If she's interested in picking things up again at some point, she'll contact me; and if she isn't, it doesn't matter much whether she was telling the truth or not.
Something else happened this weekend which follows the same pattern - of a sort. I was woken up at 2:30 this morning (Sunday morning) by a phone call from my father; he's in Hawaii, and had been waiting until early morning UK time to call my uncle. Because he was very upset he managed to confuse my number and my uncle's in his phone (our last names are the same, and first names are the same length with the first two letters, so it's not completely outside the realm). Since we were on the phone anyway, he told me that my Great Aunt had died. She was old - almost 90 - and was recovering from having broken her hip. She'd even been released from the hospital, when she died - very suddenly from a pulmonary embolism. I've always had a small family, and I was close to her. She was the last person alive in the generation before my parents on either side of my family; she was one of the tiny number left in my line on that side, which has shrunk greatly in the last three generations. We were in the process of arranging plans for her to visit this coming summer, which would have been her first time in this country in more than twenty years... And the first time she'd ever met my son. And me? I've broken down twice - once this morning when I realized I'll probably never find out whether or not she ever got my Christmas letter; and once this afternoon when I stopped by work to pick something up and found the voicemail from my father, who hadn't yet realized he had the wrong number and was trying to leave a message for my uncle.
My point? My point is... Things aren't always in your control. Life happens, whether you want it or not. It can be a rude shock - it can be terrifying - it can be depressing - it can be even occasionally be good. But it's never what you expect.
2014/12/30
2014/12/26
I was listening to the Savage Lovecast - as I am wont to do when a new episode comes out. This week's, #426, was a live Christmas episode recorded at the Neptune Theatre in Seattle with special guests Rachel Lark and Derek Sheen, and it was a lot less serious and more fun than most. Still, they had their typical phone calls, all across the board. One was from a girl talking about her boyfriend and her boyfriend's other girlfriend and what to do at the holidays, which I very well may come back to in the near future for a post... But the one that really struck a nerve and that I'm going to talk about today, however far off my normal beaten path it is, was a mother who called in to ask something about her daughter. The problem was that here daughter is uncertain about her gender identity, and the mother called up the Lovecast to ask what the best way to ask "What gender she was that day". Rachel Lark's advice amounted to "stay gender-neutral and avoid the subject as hard you can".
...Both of these bothered me a great deal, and one of the easiest ways to explain why is to tell you Derek Sheen's answer: that the mother was asking the wrong question... And instead she should be teaching her daughter that gender isn't a binary. The problem here isn't "figuring out what gender the daughter is that day"; the problem is the mindset that there's only two choices... And someone who hasn't chosen one of them isn't okay.
This is a problem all over the spectrum, and it's one I tend to worry about more in my day-to-day life as it applies to sexuality. This directly relates to things like the Kinsey scale - after all, I'm something like a 0 or a 1 but know people all over the range. It's hard enough to convince some people that there's more than one option in sexuality; convincing them there's two - heterosexuality and homosexuality - is impossible with the bigoted. Convincing people there's a whole spectrum including homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, and everything else? It's... An uphill fight, shall we say.
And gender... Gender is harder. Gender is fixed by biology, right? Of course it is! You're assigned a gender at birth and it never changes... Except for all those little differences. Like people born with genetic gender disorders - XXX, XXY, XYY, XXYY, XXXX, XXXXX... But far more subtle and far more insidious are those people whose gender doesn't match their body.
It's not as simple as some people who are born male but identify female or some people who are born female but identify male; it's about people, no matter their biological gender, who don't fit society's rules. It's about people who don't know what they are... They just know they aren't a male or a female.
I know where I fit on these spectrums... Most people really do. But not everyone does. And this poor girl, even with her mother's good intentions, is being set up to be confused and depressed and conflicted and lost.
...Both of these bothered me a great deal, and one of the easiest ways to explain why is to tell you Derek Sheen's answer: that the mother was asking the wrong question... And instead she should be teaching her daughter that gender isn't a binary. The problem here isn't "figuring out what gender the daughter is that day"; the problem is the mindset that there's only two choices... And someone who hasn't chosen one of them isn't okay.
This is a problem all over the spectrum, and it's one I tend to worry about more in my day-to-day life as it applies to sexuality. This directly relates to things like the Kinsey scale - after all, I'm something like a 0 or a 1 but know people all over the range. It's hard enough to convince some people that there's more than one option in sexuality; convincing them there's two - heterosexuality and homosexuality - is impossible with the bigoted. Convincing people there's a whole spectrum including homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, and everything else? It's... An uphill fight, shall we say.
And gender... Gender is harder. Gender is fixed by biology, right? Of course it is! You're assigned a gender at birth and it never changes... Except for all those little differences. Like people born with genetic gender disorders - XXX, XXY, XYY, XXYY, XXXX, XXXXX... But far more subtle and far more insidious are those people whose gender doesn't match their body.
It's not as simple as some people who are born male but identify female or some people who are born female but identify male; it's about people, no matter their biological gender, who don't fit society's rules. It's about people who don't know what they are... They just know they aren't a male or a female.
I know where I fit on these spectrums... Most people really do. But not everyone does. And this poor girl, even with her mother's good intentions, is being set up to be confused and depressed and conflicted and lost.
2014/12/25
Somewhere between "oops" and "ooh noooooo"
So, it's Christmas. Good ol' December 25th. I'm not a fan, but a lot of people are, so let's not dwell on that.
What today's date also means is that I'm basically a hair's breadth away from being 31 years old. I've changed a lot over the past few years (a lot of it for the better, I'd say), and one thing I thought I had gotten over was my ability to completely and utterly embarrass myself to the point of not being able to replay the situation over and over in my head until I collapse. It's useless in terms of damage control and it isn't particularly kind to my mental state, but I had managed to lose that part of myself a while ago.
At least, I thought I had.
Last week, late in the evening, Mike's exwife stopped by to grab something their son had left at our place. Our place, the tiny mess. Our place, where you enter in the living room and can see my command center of a computer in its entirety, the monitors readable at a step or two from the door.
On the main screen was Facebook, and in the corner was a conversation with my friend Rex. In that conversation was the phrase "whenever Mike starts talking to new people on OkCupid."
Fuck.
So the exwife came into the apartment, took a few steps toward the table/desk we spend most of our time at, and, I fear, read the conversation. The one that points toward a non-standard relationship. The type of relationship she has hinted at being unacceptable and worth hauling his ass into court over in the hopes of taking his parental rights away.
Nope, that panicky embarrassment is still there, front and center.
Fuck.
I tried to figure out if coming out to people about my sexuality and facing rejection was worse than accidentally coming out as poly/open to a potentially hostile woman whose existence in our lives is dictated by the existence of the stepson I adore beyond reason. Maybe it's the fact that I'm now half a lifetime away from the days I admitted I "like girls," but this actually feels more painful. The harassment back then was awful, but this? This potentially carries more weight.
Mike's response to the situation was, initially "fuck her" (not literally) and that, if it came up, we would deal with it. He didn't blame me or say I fucked up (that's all me), and his feeling was, if she says anything, he has no problem pointing out that she shouldn't have been reading my screen, regardless of it being out in plain view.
Meanwhile, I'm just hoping it doesn't come up. I spend enough time feeling alienated in terms of being able to talk to people about how our relationship works that I don't need someone to know who will ultimately have a problem with it -- more than the average person does to begin with, I guess.
What's fun is that I'm totally in favor of people just being out and open about their sexuality and their relationships. But because I'm still not comfortable with the perception of certain flavors of relationships, it keeps me from actually engaging the part of myself that is polyamorous and bisexual. I'll admit to being a total wimp and taking the easy way out and hiding in the appearance of heteronormativity, sticking to admitting ladycrushes to my husband and a few friends and playing loops of sexy-girl-time in my head when the situation warrants it.
Standard stuff, I guess, for most married people. It just makes me feel like a fraud.
Ultimately, the panic has lessened enough that I can function again, but I'm still afraid. Thankfully we will be out of this apartment soon and you can be damn sure I will be hiding my computer screen better in the next place.
What today's date also means is that I'm basically a hair's breadth away from being 31 years old. I've changed a lot over the past few years (a lot of it for the better, I'd say), and one thing I thought I had gotten over was my ability to completely and utterly embarrass myself to the point of not being able to replay the situation over and over in my head until I collapse. It's useless in terms of damage control and it isn't particularly kind to my mental state, but I had managed to lose that part of myself a while ago.
At least, I thought I had.
Last week, late in the evening, Mike's exwife stopped by to grab something their son had left at our place. Our place, the tiny mess. Our place, where you enter in the living room and can see my command center of a computer in its entirety, the monitors readable at a step or two from the door.
On the main screen was Facebook, and in the corner was a conversation with my friend Rex. In that conversation was the phrase "whenever Mike starts talking to new people on OkCupid."
Fuck.
So the exwife came into the apartment, took a few steps toward the table/desk we spend most of our time at, and, I fear, read the conversation. The one that points toward a non-standard relationship. The type of relationship she has hinted at being unacceptable and worth hauling his ass into court over in the hopes of taking his parental rights away.
Nope, that panicky embarrassment is still there, front and center.
Fuck.
I tried to figure out if coming out to people about my sexuality and facing rejection was worse than accidentally coming out as poly/open to a potentially hostile woman whose existence in our lives is dictated by the existence of the stepson I adore beyond reason. Maybe it's the fact that I'm now half a lifetime away from the days I admitted I "like girls," but this actually feels more painful. The harassment back then was awful, but this? This potentially carries more weight.
Mike's response to the situation was, initially "fuck her" (not literally) and that, if it came up, we would deal with it. He didn't blame me or say I fucked up (that's all me), and his feeling was, if she says anything, he has no problem pointing out that she shouldn't have been reading my screen, regardless of it being out in plain view.
Meanwhile, I'm just hoping it doesn't come up. I spend enough time feeling alienated in terms of being able to talk to people about how our relationship works that I don't need someone to know who will ultimately have a problem with it -- more than the average person does to begin with, I guess.
What's fun is that I'm totally in favor of people just being out and open about their sexuality and their relationships. But because I'm still not comfortable with the perception of certain flavors of relationships, it keeps me from actually engaging the part of myself that is polyamorous and bisexual. I'll admit to being a total wimp and taking the easy way out and hiding in the appearance of heteronormativity, sticking to admitting ladycrushes to my husband and a few friends and playing loops of sexy-girl-time in my head when the situation warrants it.
Standard stuff, I guess, for most married people. It just makes me feel like a fraud.
Ultimately, the panic has lessened enough that I can function again, but I'm still afraid. Thankfully we will be out of this apartment soon and you can be damn sure I will be hiding my computer screen better in the next place.
2014/12/23
Conversations with a Polygamist
So the lovely and talented Ash found this link I enjoyed:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caitlincowie/ask-a-polyamorous-person#.etMyMaBpm
which actually is mostly a wrapper around this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o1gsI3e0u4
and is eminently worth watching. I do find myself wondering actively whether BuzzFeed has that many openly poly people on staff, or whether they imported and/or substituted a few for the purposes of this; but either way that video was great. Anyone who has any questions or interest in Poly should go watch it.
No, I'm serious. Go on; I'll wait here. Look, I'll even pause the blog.
...
...
*taps foot, checks watch*
Okay, good? Good.
What I thought when I saw this was "Okay, this is like the ultimate how to answer questions after you come out" video. They hit so many good points, including a number I've harped on before. "What's the difference between Poly and Cheating?" Couldn't be simpler - cheating is against the nature of the relationship, but poly defines the boundaries of the relationship and sets the limits on what is cheating. Why isn't one person enough? You're asking the wrong question, or at least making an assumption. Why isn't one friend enough for you? Oh, you get something different out of all your friends? Do tell. How do you deal with jealousy? The same way most (healthy) monogamous relationships do, just not including the assumption that jealousy is the worst possible thing that could happen to two people.
The comments are worth reading, also - if for no other reason than the sheer lack of bitchiness and stupidity. Really reassuring to not have the ass holes out in force. For once.
All that being said... My favourite line was "Orgies aren't that common. I've been to one; and I spent most of my time in the corner eating Oreos."
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caitlincowie/ask-a-polyamorous-person#.etMyMaBpm
which actually is mostly a wrapper around this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o1gsI3e0u4
and is eminently worth watching. I do find myself wondering actively whether BuzzFeed has that many openly poly people on staff, or whether they imported and/or substituted a few for the purposes of this; but either way that video was great. Anyone who has any questions or interest in Poly should go watch it.
No, I'm serious. Go on; I'll wait here. Look, I'll even pause the blog.
...
...
*taps foot, checks watch*
Okay, good? Good.
What I thought when I saw this was "Okay, this is like the ultimate how to answer questions after you come out" video. They hit so many good points, including a number I've harped on before. "What's the difference between Poly and Cheating?" Couldn't be simpler - cheating is against the nature of the relationship, but poly defines the boundaries of the relationship and sets the limits on what is cheating. Why isn't one person enough? You're asking the wrong question, or at least making an assumption. Why isn't one friend enough for you? Oh, you get something different out of all your friends? Do tell. How do you deal with jealousy? The same way most (healthy) monogamous relationships do, just not including the assumption that jealousy is the worst possible thing that could happen to two people.
The comments are worth reading, also - if for no other reason than the sheer lack of bitchiness and stupidity. Really reassuring to not have the ass holes out in force. For once.
All that being said... My favourite line was "Orgies aren't that common. I've been to one; and I spent most of my time in the corner eating Oreos."
2014/12/22
Dear Women Who Talk to or Date my Husband,
When I explain to people how my marriage works, the main thing I'm told is how people are often too jealous to even consider such an arrangement in their own relationships. I'm here to tell you that I'm not going to be jealous of you.
Maybe it's strange. What most people would consider jealousy and would hold against the "other woman/man" would be something I would more likely hold against my husband. You can't control how he handles his time between us, so that's on him.
It's on me how I react to him getting to know someone else or getting involved with them, though. My first reaction is usually excitement for him, and then eventually there's the momentary anguish over the idea that he will find someone that makes him realize that every bad thing I feel about myself is true. That's not his fault, and that's not your fault, so I'll handle it myself and not get either of you involved in my mini self esteem meltdown.
What I want on your end, though, is this:
Be good to my husband.
Appreciate my place in his life, since I'm giving him the freedom to be involved with you.
Don't be afraid of me.
Be communicative, within reason.
Ultimately, I want to work together with you to make my husband as fulfilled as possible. We don't have to be best friends, but considering I'm more likely to be the one helping him get over you if things fall apart (and not the other way around), being cordial and on the same page with me is kind of important.
Maybe that's bitchy of me, but I figure I'm being incredibly permissive and have a right to expect a new person in our lives to be relatively sane and together. If not, I'll be the first one to point out to him how something isn't working or in the best interest of everyone involved.
I'll be fair, but I won't hesitate to keep my primary relationship as stable as possible. Otherwise, we are good if you are good.
Just saying.
2014/12/19
Not what it seems at first glance...
I've been on a roll with the FetLife links recently... So why let up now? I was totally prepared, based on the title, to be ravingly angry at this post:
https://fetlife.com/groups/14857/group_posts/6322050
Most of the time when this type of title comes up it's an arrogant chest-beating neanderthal who I'd be way happier punching through a wall than giving them the time of day. This person's post is... A pleasant surprise. Well reasoned, polite, and not full of the kind of entitled bullshit that drove me away from The Scene in the first place.
All too often on dating sites, you get the horror stories of some jackass messaging a woman and saying "Hey R U DTF?" or "Show me ur tits" or something similarly intelligent. The equivalent of that on kink/BDSM sites and Fetlife is "Kneel, slut, and worship your Master!" as an introductory message. It astounds me that people ever think that's a good idea. It shows an arrogance, a lack of respect, a total lack of understanding of basic humanity... And it's common. It's everywhere. These people are in your house!!!
Okay; in the vast majority of cases they aren't in your house, but my point stands. If you spend any decent amount of time in the lifestyle, you can't avoid them. They may get blacklisted, they may get shunned... But somewhere they get enough encouragement to keep going. Go figure.
Back to the actual post, though... With only minimal amounts of allowance for variations on a theme, these could all apply to me.
Her specific examples aren't quite to my taste, but her central point stands: the most important measure of whether you're a good sub is whether you and your Dom are both happy with your behaviour and your relationship. If you can get that far, where you two are content? Other peoples' opinions just don't matter, so screw the rest.
https://fetlife.com/groups/14857/group_posts/6322050
Most of the time when this type of title comes up it's an arrogant chest-beating neanderthal who I'd be way happier punching through a wall than giving them the time of day. This person's post is... A pleasant surprise. Well reasoned, polite, and not full of the kind of entitled bullshit that drove me away from The Scene in the first place.
All too often on dating sites, you get the horror stories of some jackass messaging a woman and saying "Hey R U DTF?" or "Show me ur tits" or something similarly intelligent. The equivalent of that on kink/BDSM sites and Fetlife is "Kneel, slut, and worship your Master!" as an introductory message. It astounds me that people ever think that's a good idea. It shows an arrogance, a lack of respect, a total lack of understanding of basic humanity... And it's common. It's everywhere. These people are in your house!!!
Okay; in the vast majority of cases they aren't in your house, but my point stands. If you spend any decent amount of time in the lifestyle, you can't avoid them. They may get blacklisted, they may get shunned... But somewhere they get enough encouragement to keep going. Go figure.
Back to the actual post, though... With only minimal amounts of allowance for variations on a theme, these could all apply to me.
- Devotion. I won't go so far as to say "Devoted only to me," but that's because I'm naturally poly and sortof assume any slave I have would be as well... And even then exactly what limits there are would have to be carefully talked out to make sure neither of us got a nasty shock.
- Willingness. A desire to please, and an openness to trust that things I introduce them to are worth trying.
- Patience. I'm... A trying person to live with, and I'm aware of that. Life with me is frequently not easy. This is a big one, on way more levels than my kink life.
- Generosity. A willingness to give.
- Honesty. This is my big hot-button issue; without honesty, full honesty in both directions, our relationship stands no chance. I wish more people saw that.
- A sense of humour. The ability to smile and enjoy your life as well as our life.
- Independence. The ability to think and act for yourself... Even if we agree we don't always want you to.
Qualities of a good sub/slave? The qualities her/his Owner wants in his/her sub/slave.
Some (femDoms especially) only want an owned who is totally devoted to them. It means the only duty or desire of the Owner is do as I want, don't tell me about your life, don't care about anything about you except what you can do for me. Some Doms want to micromanage and don't want the owned to think on their own at all including when to pee, when to eat, every little move.
So what is said here is good for this Dom but may not be for some others. Most of what she said is good in any relationship IMO.
<snip>
What is most important to me? FIrst...finding someone who sees this life and my part in it similar to his. Then listen to him and do as he says including carrying through with things I know he needs/wants without having to tell me each time.
Her specific examples aren't quite to my taste, but her central point stands: the most important measure of whether you're a good sub is whether you and your Dom are both happy with your behaviour and your relationship. If you can get that far, where you two are content? Other peoples' opinions just don't matter, so screw the rest.
2014/12/18
Selfies and Struggles
Okay. So. Mike and I are in the process of moving -- we have three weeks to get our current place packed up and whatnot, and last night we were looking through a plastic tote full of miscellaneous tech-bits. Alright, maybe he was going through it and I was half-paying-attention while binge-watching The Flash. Either way, as I said: miscellaneous tech-bits. Several keyboards, lots of Apple cords, some mice, and a bunch of old external hard drives.
Like...a bunch.
We weren't sure which ones still worked and which ones didn't (to say nothing of what was on any of them), so Mike plugged one into his computer for a bit of a look.
It was mine, one I purchased almost a decade ago when my iBook G3 started to go a little wonky. It was small, but apparently held some interesting things -- mostly pictures...and every episode of Star Trek you could ever want, provided you weren't looking for the original series.
Anyway. Mike started looking through the pictures, like one does. And there were a lot.
Like a good early-20s lady, I took a lot of photographs of myself. Most of them were in varying states of undress, and I can't even tell you who I was sending them to -- because I was, for sure, sending them to people. Most of them were taken in my bedroom at my mother's house before I moved out for good, and most of them have some kind of filter on them.
Move over, Instagram, let Ash show you how sexy selfies are done. I probably have more experience in this department than you. You might think of me as a bit of an artiste.
Except, it occurred to me: I don't take pictures of myself anymore.
I was single back then and actually got off on making myself appear attractive in photographs. In my head, that wasn't what I looked like in person, but damn if I wasn't able to ramp up the good-lookin' on the other end of a webcam (and later, the iPhone). It was so strange that people appeared to want me. My standards for partners (for both relationships and hookups) was much lower, and what I wanted was someone to find me so attractive that they would stop at nothing (relatively speaking) to have sex with me. Now I'm almost 31 and often walk out of the house without even so much as a glance in a mirror.
The selfies have gone by the wayside as well, except for the sporadic boob-shots taken in my office bathroom. I used to take more of these, sending them off to Mike's phone in the hopes of getting him hard at his desk or in a meeting with his coworkers. But that didn't really happen, so I gave it up after a while. Understanding Mike's sexual nature (that is to say, some flavor of asexual) was hard, and it took a long time to come to terms with it. I started to feel like I was assaulting him with naked pictures and explicit text messages, all of which received little feedback.
It was hard to understand that I was essentially doing the thing that guys online have done to me and every other woman online for years -- sending unrequested pictures of their junk to an unreceptive recipient. Like them, I wanted a reaction. I wanted to turn someone on. I wanted encouragement, appreciation...anything. Instead, most of the time Mike responded politely, other times he said nothing. While he appreciated the thought, it was more common for the pictures to show up at the worst times possible, making him feel neglectful for not being able to respond the way I wanted, to say nothing of the fact that he wasn't in the mood in the first place and wouldn't necessarily be turned on by some bare skin.
Now, several years in, sexuality doesn't stress our relationship to the same level that it did toward the beginning. Maybe knowing I'm not bound to Mike exclusively allowed my sex drive to cool its heels. Maybe stress and life have made me too tired to even want sex in the first place. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism so I don't spend more time disappointed in something that won't change. Whatever the reason, though -- things aren't perfect, but none of this seems as imminently problematic as it did previously. It took time, it takes work, and sometimes issues STILL come up. It's normal, it's expected, and it's all possible to be dealt with.
Just, you know...be prepared to work your ass off for it. Hopefully it'll be worth it.
Like...a bunch.
We weren't sure which ones still worked and which ones didn't (to say nothing of what was on any of them), so Mike plugged one into his computer for a bit of a look.
It was mine, one I purchased almost a decade ago when my iBook G3 started to go a little wonky. It was small, but apparently held some interesting things -- mostly pictures...and every episode of Star Trek you could ever want, provided you weren't looking for the original series.
Anyway. Mike started looking through the pictures, like one does. And there were a lot.
Like a good early-20s lady, I took a lot of photographs of myself. Most of them were in varying states of undress, and I can't even tell you who I was sending them to -- because I was, for sure, sending them to people. Most of them were taken in my bedroom at my mother's house before I moved out for good, and most of them have some kind of filter on them.
Move over, Instagram, let Ash show you how sexy selfies are done. I probably have more experience in this department than you. You might think of me as a bit of an artiste.
Except, it occurred to me: I don't take pictures of myself anymore.
I was single back then and actually got off on making myself appear attractive in photographs. In my head, that wasn't what I looked like in person, but damn if I wasn't able to ramp up the good-lookin' on the other end of a webcam (and later, the iPhone). It was so strange that people appeared to want me. My standards for partners (for both relationships and hookups) was much lower, and what I wanted was someone to find me so attractive that they would stop at nothing (relatively speaking) to have sex with me. Now I'm almost 31 and often walk out of the house without even so much as a glance in a mirror.
The selfies have gone by the wayside as well, except for the sporadic boob-shots taken in my office bathroom. I used to take more of these, sending them off to Mike's phone in the hopes of getting him hard at his desk or in a meeting with his coworkers. But that didn't really happen, so I gave it up after a while. Understanding Mike's sexual nature (that is to say, some flavor of asexual) was hard, and it took a long time to come to terms with it. I started to feel like I was assaulting him with naked pictures and explicit text messages, all of which received little feedback.
It was hard to understand that I was essentially doing the thing that guys online have done to me and every other woman online for years -- sending unrequested pictures of their junk to an unreceptive recipient. Like them, I wanted a reaction. I wanted to turn someone on. I wanted encouragement, appreciation...anything. Instead, most of the time Mike responded politely, other times he said nothing. While he appreciated the thought, it was more common for the pictures to show up at the worst times possible, making him feel neglectful for not being able to respond the way I wanted, to say nothing of the fact that he wasn't in the mood in the first place and wouldn't necessarily be turned on by some bare skin.
Now, several years in, sexuality doesn't stress our relationship to the same level that it did toward the beginning. Maybe knowing I'm not bound to Mike exclusively allowed my sex drive to cool its heels. Maybe stress and life have made me too tired to even want sex in the first place. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism so I don't spend more time disappointed in something that won't change. Whatever the reason, though -- things aren't perfect, but none of this seems as imminently problematic as it did previously. It took time, it takes work, and sometimes issues STILL come up. It's normal, it's expected, and it's all possible to be dealt with.
Just, you know...be prepared to work your ass off for it. Hopefully it'll be worth it.
2014/12/16
A Brief Rant...
I keep up, in my own quaint little way, on kink in the world. I follow a number of groups on Fetlife; I listen to Dan Savage; I follow a couple of blogs; I follow news stories and follow some events as they happen... There's certainly much more I could do to be up-to-date on kink news and culture, but I keep a toe in. And recently, quite a few times, I've come up against someone that has been pushing my buttons; people talking about the fact that they're "Poly" because they have sex with a lot of women. Let me release a small amount of bile; if that's what you're saying, YOU AREN'T POLY.
One definition of polyamoury found online is the following:
To be blunt, if you sleep with a lot of women, you may be open; it's possible you're poly; it's quite likely you're a slut (said in the most friendly, loving way possible); you may be a big stud... But poly is different. Poly is actually maintaining multiple, honest relationships... Not having a huge list of women to call up when you're horny, or being good at picking up men in bars when you're out.
I refer to myself as poly, and I suppose it's a little unfair of me to be so grumpy without differentiating. Fine; I'm poly by nature, without being actively poly right now. There's nothing inherently wrong with having sex a lot - with one person or dozens of people. There's nothing wrong with having one relationship, or five relationships (if you have the energy for it). But for the sanity of those of us who care... Learn what your terms mean? Please?
One definition of polyamoury found online is the following:
The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.
To be blunt, if you sleep with a lot of women, you may be open; it's possible you're poly; it's quite likely you're a slut (said in the most friendly, loving way possible); you may be a big stud... But poly is different. Poly is actually maintaining multiple, honest relationships... Not having a huge list of women to call up when you're horny, or being good at picking up men in bars when you're out.
I refer to myself as poly, and I suppose it's a little unfair of me to be so grumpy without differentiating. Fine; I'm poly by nature, without being actively poly right now. There's nothing inherently wrong with having sex a lot - with one person or dozens of people. There's nothing wrong with having one relationship, or five relationships (if you have the energy for it). But for the sanity of those of us who care... Learn what your terms mean? Please?
2014/12/15
Bonus Links!
Asexual humour!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/the-21-realest-tumblr-posts-about-identifying-as-asexual
I'm particularly a fan of #21... But most of them amused me a great deal.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/the-21-realest-tumblr-posts-about-identifying-as-asexual
I'm particularly a fan of #21... But most of them amused me a great deal.
Asexuality, for those even more removed
So here I am, tacking my two cents onto Mike's previous post. I'll be honest and say I didn't read the page he linked -- I deactivated my Fetlife account a while ago because I couldn't for the life of me feel like I fit in -- but I was thinking about how hard it is to explain to other people about how asexuality works and why I'm okay because married to someone who falls in that spectrum.
Let me lay out the scene for you:
I'll admit that, at times, I complain about it. I'll be at work and one of my raunchier coworkers (I love you guys) will make some sort of reference to some winked and nodded implied sex act, leaving me to comment that I didn't know what that was like anymore. Do I do that all the time? No. But I'm bad at pretending things are any different than they are (I used all that up back when I still lived at home with my mother) plus I am entirely too open about certain things at the best of times. The people I say things like that to are often aghast or offended, or like to think terribly of Mike because of some societal belief that all men are led solely by their gonads, therefore, clearly he must be defective.
One of them actually told me, "maybe if you lost some weight and put some effort into how you look, he'd want to fuck you more." It's weird to say, but she wasn't actually trying to be a bitch. She just not only doesn't understand asexuality but she doesn't understand that I'm not the type to dress a certain way or wear makeup not because I'm lazy -- I actually just don't think there's anything wrong with the way I was put together. I don't believe in God, but my reaction to people doing things to change how they look is often along the lines of, "So you're saying that God made a mistake and you have to fix it?"
Anyway.
If someone had told me ten years ago that I would meet someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with and we wouldn't be particularly sexually active and I'd be okay with it, I'd consider it another reason to never venture out in the real world because people who think they have psychic powers are creepy and often wrong. But here I am, and here is how things have shaken out.
I understand that it's hard to wrap one's mind around. It's why I don't bring it up much with other people, but I also don't go out of my way to hide it. I'm of the belief that, in a world where people are often so self-motivated and always on the prowl for anything that furthers their agenda, when two people (or three, or four...) can get together and work together for mutual satisfaction and enjoyment, it's the most beautiful thing those people can do together. It can relax tensed muscles, it can help ease headaches and body pain, it can create life and deepen existing bonds between partners. But I can also understand that some people just aren't into it and have other ways of dealing with headaches. Over time, I've learned to find other ways to enjoy Mike's company. As anyone in a relationship knows, it's almost impossible to find someone who feels the same way as you do about everything across the boards. So if you won't break up with someone because maybe they like tomato soup and you prefer New England clam chowder, can't sex be handled similarly if everything else is going well?
What it comes down to for me is that life's too hard to throw away a good thing over a lack of mind-blowing mutual orgasms, even if some of my friends think it's ridiculous. I just do my part to convince them otherwise by speaking well of my relationship and not only bringing Mike up in conversation when he's driving me crazy. And ultimately, they're not the ones putting in the work every day in this marriage so I appreciate their concern, but that's as far as I'll take it.
Let me lay out the scene for you:
I'll admit that, at times, I complain about it. I'll be at work and one of my raunchier coworkers (I love you guys) will make some sort of reference to some winked and nodded implied sex act, leaving me to comment that I didn't know what that was like anymore. Do I do that all the time? No. But I'm bad at pretending things are any different than they are (I used all that up back when I still lived at home with my mother) plus I am entirely too open about certain things at the best of times. The people I say things like that to are often aghast or offended, or like to think terribly of Mike because of some societal belief that all men are led solely by their gonads, therefore, clearly he must be defective.
One of them actually told me, "maybe if you lost some weight and put some effort into how you look, he'd want to fuck you more." It's weird to say, but she wasn't actually trying to be a bitch. She just not only doesn't understand asexuality but she doesn't understand that I'm not the type to dress a certain way or wear makeup not because I'm lazy -- I actually just don't think there's anything wrong with the way I was put together. I don't believe in God, but my reaction to people doing things to change how they look is often along the lines of, "So you're saying that God made a mistake and you have to fix it?"
Anyway.
If someone had told me ten years ago that I would meet someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with and we wouldn't be particularly sexually active and I'd be okay with it, I'd consider it another reason to never venture out in the real world because people who think they have psychic powers are creepy and often wrong. But here I am, and here is how things have shaken out.
I understand that it's hard to wrap one's mind around. It's why I don't bring it up much with other people, but I also don't go out of my way to hide it. I'm of the belief that, in a world where people are often so self-motivated and always on the prowl for anything that furthers their agenda, when two people (or three, or four...) can get together and work together for mutual satisfaction and enjoyment, it's the most beautiful thing those people can do together. It can relax tensed muscles, it can help ease headaches and body pain, it can create life and deepen existing bonds between partners. But I can also understand that some people just aren't into it and have other ways of dealing with headaches. Over time, I've learned to find other ways to enjoy Mike's company. As anyone in a relationship knows, it's almost impossible to find someone who feels the same way as you do about everything across the boards. So if you won't break up with someone because maybe they like tomato soup and you prefer New England clam chowder, can't sex be handled similarly if everything else is going well?
What it comes down to for me is that life's too hard to throw away a good thing over a lack of mind-blowing mutual orgasms, even if some of my friends think it's ridiculous. I just do my part to convince them otherwise by speaking well of my relationship and not only bringing Mike up in conversation when he's driving me crazy. And ultimately, they're not the ones putting in the work every day in this marriage so I appreciate their concern, but that's as far as I'll take it.
2014/12/13
Random
2014/12/12
Asexuality - Another Outsider's Perspective
Here's a post on FetLife from a guy whose girlfriend identifies as asexual.
https://fetlife.com/groups/7247/group_posts/6316062
I won't bother copying it, because the meat of it is the long string of comments afterwards, not the initial post; but it's definitely worth reading through. I respect him for posting this; he simply didn't understand what she meant or what she was going through, and reached out to figure it out. You can ding this guy for not talking to her and for going to FetLife for answers, which one can argue is a terrible plan... But based on his comments they've definitely talked about it, and that's better than a lot of people do.
The entire asexuality spectrum can be devastatingly confusing, both for the people on it and the people around them. It's a difficult hurdle to cross, because it can be very hard for people to create a romantic relationship when the sexual relationship is so... Estranged.
There have been windows where I feel like I need a sign saying "Special Care Instructions Not Included" anytime I go on a date.
I think, though, that my favourite part of this post is one of the comments a ways down:
This person gets it, and what they say is critically important. It's way too easy for our loved ones - even those who mostly get it - to be bothered or upset by or misunderstand or view towards sex. Some asexuals are squicked out by sex... And for some, it's not that we dislike it; it's that it simply doesn't have the meaning to us that other things might. Either way, we understand how you feel - intellectually if not emotionally. We get that you enjoy this. We still love you and we want you to be happy. We just... Express it in different ways.
https://fetlife.com/groups/7247/group_posts/6316062
I won't bother copying it, because the meat of it is the long string of comments afterwards, not the initial post; but it's definitely worth reading through. I respect him for posting this; he simply didn't understand what she meant or what she was going through, and reached out to figure it out. You can ding this guy for not talking to her and for going to FetLife for answers, which one can argue is a terrible plan... But based on his comments they've definitely talked about it, and that's better than a lot of people do.
The entire asexuality spectrum can be devastatingly confusing, both for the people on it and the people around them. It's a difficult hurdle to cross, because it can be very hard for people to create a romantic relationship when the sexual relationship is so... Estranged.
There have been windows where I feel like I need a sign saying "Special Care Instructions Not Included" anytime I go on a date.
I think, though, that my favourite part of this post is one of the comments a ways down:
I find it to be like an automtic[sic] door opening to a store. Most people walk by it and the doors magically open, and they are drawn inside. I, however, have to make that choice to push the door open. Or someone holds it open for me. Once I'm in there, there will be things I like and don't like, but I'll never have that experience of just strolling along the sidewalk and BAM , wow! that door opened for me and I want in to buy stuff NOW!
There is a lot of variation within the asexual community. I think you re right that too much questioning of her without researching first might seem like you were challenging her. But, here more than other areas, I think there is much variation.
From personal experience, I would recommend that you keep in mind that certain things might work well for her, even though it is in a context you might not expect. For example, she might like sex without orgasms, or giving without receiving...which might seem pointless to some, but is very meaningful emotionally to others. She might also just like sex with you now that she has bonded with you. That's "demisexual", and it will usually seem just like typical sexuality, it just takes longer to develop. Any number of the things you mentioned could be true. Or all of them. Or none of them. Sorry to be so confusing...but the thing to remember is if she is having a good time, it's fine.
This person gets it, and what they say is critically important. It's way too easy for our loved ones - even those who mostly get it - to be bothered or upset by or misunderstand or view towards sex. Some asexuals are squicked out by sex... And for some, it's not that we dislike it; it's that it simply doesn't have the meaning to us that other things might. Either way, we understand how you feel - intellectually if not emotionally. We get that you enjoy this. We still love you and we want you to be happy. We just... Express it in different ways.
2014/12/11
Bah-humblog
So, I have a confession to make, and I hope none of you hate me too much for it.
Here goes.
Okay.
So.
I hate the holidays.
Phew. Okay. Big weight off my chest. I feel better now.
I mention this because this revelation, plus why I feel the way that I do, are closely linked to the same "it's like no one understands me" undercurrent running through this blog. We have talked about how having non-standard relationships can make holidays problematic, but what about on a more singularly personal level?
I've been inundated with "the perfect gift for the (oddly specific human subtype) in your life" articles on various bits of social media lately. While I understand that stereotypes exist for a reason, and that statistically, people generally fall into standard behaviors and interests that match up with their born genders, being on the outside of that can really hurt when people try to give presents to your gender and not, you know, your actual personality.
"Your pre-tween girl will love washi tape and brightly colored pens!"
Will she?
I'm being difficult. I know this. Chances are, yes, she will love tiny strips of patterned craft tape and purple pens and beauty supplies and posters of cute boys and even cuter animals. But the assumption can drive home the idea that deviancy is a problem, leaving plenty of non-conformists feeling unwelcome in these situations.
It's a fight I feel like I've been fighting for my entire life. Not all girls day dream about their perfect wedding. Not all girls like Barbie dolls and try on their Mom's high heels. We don't all like purses or want to own "the perfect clutch." So are you more willing to tell me that I'm not actually female or that not falling in line means I'm wrong?
I'm thankful I don't deal with seasonal affective disorder in the winter (I get it in the summer, once again bucking the trend) because being reminded at every turn that I'm apparently not putting my vagina to proper use can really drag a person down.
Please, when you're buying gifts, buy them for the person and not their assumed gender identity stereotype. That's not a sentence I really ever thought I would write, but we live in the future. We don't have to be so old fashioned about this kind of thing anymore.
Buy Sally a kitten doll because she likes cats, not because "all girls love cute things." Buy Bobby a blue shirt if it's his favorite color, not because he's a boy. Take two seconds to pay attention to the people in your life.
If you did, maybe someone like me would be less inclined to hate the holidays do thoroughly if they didn't feel like they were wasting everyone's money and generosity by not using or appreciating ill-suited gifts year after year.
I guess what I'm saying is you don't need to have a live-in slave to feel weird around family at the holidays. Sometimes you just have to not like dresses and fancy girl things and eventually be really bad at graciously saying "thank you, I love it" to family members who can't afford to buy presents in the first place.
Is it April yet?
2014/12/10
2014/12/09
The Past Is... Well, Something.
I'll be honest and say I don't remember the last time I mentioned Sunshine, my former sub. She's popped up here and there in the blog, but I hadn't actually talked to her in more than a month and a half - since October 17th - until today. She sent me an e-mail yesterday saying she'd seen one of my old messages while going through her mailbox and wanted to say hello.
We didn't part on the best of terms. She was, in fact, incredibly upset at me. I had told her I was not prepared to take her as a submissive; she felt betrayed; I was not in a mood to deal with the additional stress in my life; and she stopped talking to me. I'm not about to go back and analyze what happened. I could go into a lot more detail justifying my side of it, but it just doesn't matter - I was not willing to handle the way she was acting, she took exception to my deciding that and how I presented it, and there's not much more to it.
So we talked a bit today. She explained part of why she acted that way, told me she doesn't want to not talk to me forever... And then she asked me what had happened to our contract, the copies of which I had when we stopped talking. She had demanded of me, at the time, to send them back or destroy them, and I'd never responded to her; and she wanted to know what had happened.
What had happened is that I'd totally ignored her. Both copies are still in my correspondence in my bedroom. There are two very good reasons why I still have them.
The first isn't complicated; they're memories to me. I value my past a great deal. There are huge swathes of it which are sad, unpleasant, or extremely painful... And yet it's very important to me. I don't always like everything about myself, but I'm proud of who I've become. My past is a part of me, and every terrible event, every memory that makes me sad or cry or ache also brought me closer to who I am today and the place I am in life right now. I keep a lot of small things like that because of the memories they evoke, and I have no interest in losing that small tangible connection to my past.
The second is both very simple and far more complicated; those contracts are proof, tangible proof, of both of our involvement in case a... Problem arises. It's a sad truth, but there is enormous precedent for D/s relationships to end badly. It's a terrible idea to get into any such relationship if the people involved don't trust each other; but as my marriage proves beyond any reasonable doubt, you can go into a situation in good faith and absolute trust and still have it end far worse than you could possibly imagine. A contract written in no uncertain terms involving a discussion of BDSM, signed by her, in an envelope addressed in her hand and return-addressed to her, is about as strong a defense of at least original consent as you can have without multiple witnesses to support you.
I don't even mean defense necessarily against a legal dispute - an accusation of rape or assault, though obviously that's a concern; I mean just as much defense against the accusations of a loved one (a husband, a boyfriend, whatever)... Or against her.
My assumption, when she asked if I had, was that she was afraid I'd use the contract against her; and though I never would use it against her, it's not an unreasonable fear in general. She says, rather, that she asked at the time because she "didn't want me to have the part of her heart she put into it".
I can understand; that's part of why I kept them... And I'd do it again.
We didn't part on the best of terms. She was, in fact, incredibly upset at me. I had told her I was not prepared to take her as a submissive; she felt betrayed; I was not in a mood to deal with the additional stress in my life; and she stopped talking to me. I'm not about to go back and analyze what happened. I could go into a lot more detail justifying my side of it, but it just doesn't matter - I was not willing to handle the way she was acting, she took exception to my deciding that and how I presented it, and there's not much more to it.
So we talked a bit today. She explained part of why she acted that way, told me she doesn't want to not talk to me forever... And then she asked me what had happened to our contract, the copies of which I had when we stopped talking. She had demanded of me, at the time, to send them back or destroy them, and I'd never responded to her; and she wanted to know what had happened.
What had happened is that I'd totally ignored her. Both copies are still in my correspondence in my bedroom. There are two very good reasons why I still have them.
The first isn't complicated; they're memories to me. I value my past a great deal. There are huge swathes of it which are sad, unpleasant, or extremely painful... And yet it's very important to me. I don't always like everything about myself, but I'm proud of who I've become. My past is a part of me, and every terrible event, every memory that makes me sad or cry or ache also brought me closer to who I am today and the place I am in life right now. I keep a lot of small things like that because of the memories they evoke, and I have no interest in losing that small tangible connection to my past.
The second is both very simple and far more complicated; those contracts are proof, tangible proof, of both of our involvement in case a... Problem arises. It's a sad truth, but there is enormous precedent for D/s relationships to end badly. It's a terrible idea to get into any such relationship if the people involved don't trust each other; but as my marriage proves beyond any reasonable doubt, you can go into a situation in good faith and absolute trust and still have it end far worse than you could possibly imagine. A contract written in no uncertain terms involving a discussion of BDSM, signed by her, in an envelope addressed in her hand and return-addressed to her, is about as strong a defense of at least original consent as you can have without multiple witnesses to support you.
I don't even mean defense necessarily against a legal dispute - an accusation of rape or assault, though obviously that's a concern; I mean just as much defense against the accusations of a loved one (a husband, a boyfriend, whatever)... Or against her.
My assumption, when she asked if I had, was that she was afraid I'd use the contract against her; and though I never would use it against her, it's not an unreasonable fear in general. She says, rather, that she asked at the time because she "didn't want me to have the part of her heart she put into it".
I can understand; that's part of why I kept them... And I'd do it again.
2014/12/08
Now *I'm* the one in the majority...!
As anyone with a social media account has noticed lately, the word "privilege" has been thrown around a lot -- unfortunately, a lot of people who have some specific form of privilege often are completely unaware of it. That's what happens when you come to expect something as the standard and assume everyone is on the same page.
Privilege is sneaky like that.
On paper I'm a white, married, middle-class female, and I know I've had advantages in life (thanks for Catholic all-girls school, grandpa...*sigh*). In between the lines on that paper, though, I'm a queer-type person who falls somewhere in the space between cis and trans, who happens to be in an open quasi-companionate marriage with my best friend. I've felt varying degrees of "outside an acceptable range" in regards to almost everything for my whole life, which is why it was so strange to realize there are things even I take for granted.
A few months back, I was looking on FetLife (trying to find somewhere to fit in...which didn't quite work) and kept seeing ads on the sidebar featuring a heavy amount of ball torture. That was only one of many graphic pictures littering the site, but it was one that made me cringe the most -- I'm all for people doing things that work for them, but it'd be lying if it didn't squick me out a bit. It's just not my thing, and I'm okay with it being of interest to other people.
But to get away from the ball torture -- what about the other ads? Why did only that one bother me?
Oh. Because I'm more okay with the other images because they cater more to my interests and desires.
Oh.
Well, shit.
I asked Mike a few days later, "Do the ads on FetLife bother you?" and without any hesitation or need for me to explain further, he emphatically responded, "oh, yeah."
It was the first time I really sat down to think about how unfriendly the world is to the asexual crowd, to say nothing of non-straight white folks. Never before had I felt so much a part of the problem.
I had previously recognized that my own sex drive and interests caused some stress for Mike, which I handled mostly by stopping things like dirty texting and sending risque photos to his phone -- the timing was never right so it just seemed to be a waste of time -- but it had never occurred to me that society in general did a far better and more pervasive job of keeping my own partner outside his comfort zone than I did. So while I could apologize and take action to stop "forcibly rubbing my vagina all over him from a distance" (I'm great at saying I'm sorry), society just can't "take it all back" and stop making everything boil down to the state of one's erogenous zones.
The realization that I was one of the people these marketing traps were for certainly knocked me down a peg or two, and I wish I could do more than watch what I talk about or do. I mean, I *did* make sure to thumbs-up petitions on Fetlife to have better options for ad-choices...but it was just before I deleted my account, possibly negating the whole thing.
I don't know.
To everyone in the world more like Mike than me, I'm sorry that life in a lot of societies can sometimes make you feel like you're being slapped in the face by a sentient man-sized penis with breasts. I know what it's like to not be a target audience, and I'll do what I can to get people to stop assuming we all think about sex the same way or with the same frequency. It won't be much, but every little bit helps.
I hope so, anyway.
Privilege is sneaky like that.
On paper I'm a white, married, middle-class female, and I know I've had advantages in life (thanks for Catholic all-girls school, grandpa...*sigh*). In between the lines on that paper, though, I'm a queer-type person who falls somewhere in the space between cis and trans, who happens to be in an open quasi-companionate marriage with my best friend. I've felt varying degrees of "outside an acceptable range" in regards to almost everything for my whole life, which is why it was so strange to realize there are things even I take for granted.
A few months back, I was looking on FetLife (trying to find somewhere to fit in...which didn't quite work) and kept seeing ads on the sidebar featuring a heavy amount of ball torture. That was only one of many graphic pictures littering the site, but it was one that made me cringe the most -- I'm all for people doing things that work for them, but it'd be lying if it didn't squick me out a bit. It's just not my thing, and I'm okay with it being of interest to other people.
But to get away from the ball torture -- what about the other ads? Why did only that one bother me?
Oh. Because I'm more okay with the other images because they cater more to my interests and desires.
Oh.
Well, shit.
I asked Mike a few days later, "Do the ads on FetLife bother you?" and without any hesitation or need for me to explain further, he emphatically responded, "oh, yeah."
It was the first time I really sat down to think about how unfriendly the world is to the asexual crowd, to say nothing of non-straight white folks. Never before had I felt so much a part of the problem.
I had previously recognized that my own sex drive and interests caused some stress for Mike, which I handled mostly by stopping things like dirty texting and sending risque photos to his phone -- the timing was never right so it just seemed to be a waste of time -- but it had never occurred to me that society in general did a far better and more pervasive job of keeping my own partner outside his comfort zone than I did. So while I could apologize and take action to stop "forcibly rubbing my vagina all over him from a distance" (I'm great at saying I'm sorry), society just can't "take it all back" and stop making everything boil down to the state of one's erogenous zones.
The realization that I was one of the people these marketing traps were for certainly knocked me down a peg or two, and I wish I could do more than watch what I talk about or do. I mean, I *did* make sure to thumbs-up petitions on Fetlife to have better options for ad-choices...but it was just before I deleted my account, possibly negating the whole thing.
I don't know.
To everyone in the world more like Mike than me, I'm sorry that life in a lot of societies can sometimes make you feel like you're being slapped in the face by a sentient man-sized penis with breasts. I know what it's like to not be a target audience, and I'll do what I can to get people to stop assuming we all think about sex the same way or with the same frequency. It won't be much, but every little bit helps.
I hope so, anyway.
2014/12/05
I read a lot of strange articles online...
I read a lot of strange articles online. Between blogs, Tumblrs, and the occasionally insane people I work with I get numerous strange links every day. And when my random online travels brought me to this article:
http://news.sciencemag.org/brain-behavior/2014/11/electric-shock-study-suggests-wed-rather-hurt-ourselves-others
my first instinct was to laugh. Still, I saved the link because I wanted to think more closely about it.
The article is about a behavioral study. Many people are familiar with Stanley Milgram's experiment about obedience to authority (a subject I clearly never think about... *cough*), and this was apparently at least partially inspired by those experiments. One Molly Crockett, a psychologist, set up an experiment where volunteers were randomly paired, and then one of the pair was chosen as the decider. One of the two was designated as who would receive a series of electric shocks; and then the decider got to pick between between two deals, each presenting some number of shocks for some amount of money. The money stood in as proxy for how much they valued harming themselves vs. harming others and varied from $0.15 to $15, and the shocks were calibrated to be "mildly painful but not intolerable".
Based on previous experience they expected people to be averse to shocking themselves, and this was correct; people were on average willing to take $0.30 less per shock to experience fewer shocks. But where they were expecting people to be far less caring about inflicting shocks on the other person, the study found that people were willing to lose twice as much - $0.60 less per shock on average - to give the other, totally anonymous, person fewer shocks.
This is fascinatingly counter-intuitive to me. It's very easy to picture people as being immensely selfish, and that would imply people would be willing to hand out as many shocks as were necessary to get the highest amount possible; instead people were going out of the way, "suffering" monetarily to save anonymous, unknown people from pain they'd signed up agreeing to endure.
And I mean, that isn't a bad thing; as a rule a willingness to be restrained on causing pain to others isn't a bad thing. I'm not sure if I'd hold back or not. I'm incredibly big on consent, but it's hard not to take their having volunteered in the first place as consent.They knew what was expected to happen; it's not like it's against their will. So why not?
People are just so scared of causing pain to other people, and it's... Adorable. In my experience, most people have some level of pain tolerance when it comes to sex. Not everyone likes being spanked; not everyone likes having their hair pulled; not everyone likes having nails run down there back; certainly not everyone likes needles or whips or hot wax... But most people enjoy some level of it. And on the other side, people who actually like inflicting pain? They're harder to find.
How much of that is because those people really aren't out there and how much is just the fear of being exposed? There's not much stigma in enjoying a little rough sex... But the stigma in being rough is endemic. I suspect that's what happened in the study; and it's certainly what happens day to day in the BDSM community.
http://news.sciencemag.org/brain-behavior/2014/11/electric-shock-study-suggests-wed-rather-hurt-ourselves-others
my first instinct was to laugh. Still, I saved the link because I wanted to think more closely about it.
The article is about a behavioral study. Many people are familiar with Stanley Milgram's experiment about obedience to authority (a subject I clearly never think about... *cough*), and this was apparently at least partially inspired by those experiments. One Molly Crockett, a psychologist, set up an experiment where volunteers were randomly paired, and then one of the pair was chosen as the decider. One of the two was designated as who would receive a series of electric shocks; and then the decider got to pick between between two deals, each presenting some number of shocks for some amount of money. The money stood in as proxy for how much they valued harming themselves vs. harming others and varied from $0.15 to $15, and the shocks were calibrated to be "mildly painful but not intolerable".
Based on previous experience they expected people to be averse to shocking themselves, and this was correct; people were on average willing to take $0.30 less per shock to experience fewer shocks. But where they were expecting people to be far less caring about inflicting shocks on the other person, the study found that people were willing to lose twice as much - $0.60 less per shock on average - to give the other, totally anonymous, person fewer shocks.
This is fascinatingly counter-intuitive to me. It's very easy to picture people as being immensely selfish, and that would imply people would be willing to hand out as many shocks as were necessary to get the highest amount possible; instead people were going out of the way, "suffering" monetarily to save anonymous, unknown people from pain they'd signed up agreeing to endure.
And I mean, that isn't a bad thing; as a rule a willingness to be restrained on causing pain to others isn't a bad thing. I'm not sure if I'd hold back or not. I'm incredibly big on consent, but it's hard not to take their having volunteered in the first place as consent.They knew what was expected to happen; it's not like it's against their will. So why not?
People are just so scared of causing pain to other people, and it's... Adorable. In my experience, most people have some level of pain tolerance when it comes to sex. Not everyone likes being spanked; not everyone likes having their hair pulled; not everyone likes having nails run down there back; certainly not everyone likes needles or whips or hot wax... But most people enjoy some level of it. And on the other side, people who actually like inflicting pain? They're harder to find.
How much of that is because those people really aren't out there and how much is just the fear of being exposed? There's not much stigma in enjoying a little rough sex... But the stigma in being rough is endemic. I suspect that's what happened in the study; and it's certainly what happens day to day in the BDSM community.
2014/12/04
On Doing Things (You Know...Things)
Everyday there come more new examples of people making bad choices based on desires they are told to ignore. Sometimes it's society, or parents, maybe peers -- even ourselves -- and the end result seems the same:
We want to do The Thing.
We are told not to do The Thing.
We agonize.
We stamp it down.
We forget, maybe.
The Thing comes up over and over.
We want to do The Thing.
We agonize more.
At the least opportune time, we do The Thing.
Everything goes to hell.
Self loathing comes into play.
We still want to do The Thing.
Everything is still hell.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I was raised Catholic, so this is normal. But should it be?
About a year or so ago, I started listening to a podcast focusing on serial killers and other assorted deviants, mostly in the form of interviews with authors of books on the topic. I find these things fascinating because I don't understand the motivation people have to do awful things. (I can hate people, but never enough to go on a rampage or to maim anyone.)
I only listened for a little while because the sound quality was atrocious and the interviewer mostly talked about himself, but in the process of listening,I heard the word "sadist" thrown around frequently.
So they would lay out these situations, and I would find myself thinking that, if there wasn't so much stigma about wanting to do things that most people would consider bad or evil when done non-consensually, a lot of people could be saved jail time if they could get their interests out in more healthy ways.
When you deny yourself something, it stays at the forefront of your mind. If people suggest treating yourself in small ways when attempting to diet, it makes sense that the same idea can be applied to other things with more importance. Want a dungeon? There are people who would clamor to fill it. Are you a fan of bloodplay? There are people who would love to share their blood with you.
You get my point.
I just wish people could be better at accepting themselves. I wish it were more acceptable to be oneself and it were easier to fulfill features in healthy ways. There are people into so-called "bad things," and there are people into having those "bad things" done to them. It's possible to get needs met when you take time and effort and sanity and patience and mix them all together instead of shoving down explosive material until it has no choice but to burst and take out nearby people at the same time.
Be careful, be good to people, but be yourself and don't ignore desires just because not everyone understands them. Or else you'll do something drastic and far worse than initially intended, with far more extreme consequences than would've come from just doing The Thing in the first place.
2014/12/02
A Little Bit Backwards
There've been a number of times I've listened to a Savage Lovecast and gotten an idea from it. I mean, he does advice and news day in and day out and it's hard to go through one of his podcasts without hearing something I feel is worth commenting on. This time, though, it was the other way around; I started writing about a topic and then listened to a Savage Lovecast that talked about the same topic. It was a funny turnaround, and almost made me feel like I should change it... Which I suppose doesn't make much sense. But either way.
I spent last week visiting family. Quite a lot of people did; it was, after all, Thanksgiving week. I mean, the day before Thanksgiving is one of the busiest travel days of the year (apparently its being the busiest is a myth? It's still in the top ten) as people scurry to their parents' or childrens' or siblings' or in-laws' houses to eat to much and watch ridiculous things on TV (If you're curious, we watched a bunch of Cutthroat Kitchen; turns out I'm a sucker for Alton Brown.). You play games, you talk, you reminisce, you argue and get grumpy over stupid things... All the things families do.
Thanksgiving is really the beginning of what is the biggest family season for a lot of people. There's Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Years, make-up or alternate holidays for split families, various school breaks, massive amounts of shopping... It's not uncommon for this time of year to be the only time you see more distant family members. The thing is, though, that you don't have just one family. Everyone has the family they're born into, but there's also the family you choose... And when the two groups aren't out to each other, that can bring conflict.
Most people have a chosen family separate from their biological family, even if that isn't how they define it. It consists of their friends, significant others and loved ones - the people they surround themselves with intentionally. Another term people use is "intentional families", but it really amounts to the same thing; the people you choose rather than the people you were handed.
The biggest conflict comes, like I said, when the two groups aren't entirely aware of each other. The common scenario is when you haven't come out as non-straight, and haven't introduced your family to the fact that your significant other is the same sex as you. Coming out as gay or lesbian or bi to your family can be traumatic; and yet from my own (probably selfish) point of view, coming out as poly or - the horror - kinky is easily as bad if not worse.
I mean, Ash and I currently do not have a third, and yet what if we did? What if I did have a slave who I did not want to leave behind? I was having a conversation with Persephone the other day about what I want out of a submissive, and the comment that stuck in my mind was that I don't want someone bound to me by a collar; I want someone who loves their collar because they love me. And it may be totally alien to someone who doesn't feel the same way, but that type of situation isn't one where I would want to leave my sub - part of my family - when I went somewhere for the holidays.
It's complicated, of course, by their family. With my family I could, if I needed to, bring along a sub or a girlfriend as a "friend", and whether or not my parents were suspicious they would at least not say much. With Ash's family, I suspect it'd be rather harder; I can't think of a graceful way to bring a friend along with most of them, though we probably could if we talked fast enough. And with this hypothetical sub's family... Unless they were remarkably open-minded, unless you're out to them, it would be hard to explain her bringing a *married couple* with her to her family at the holidays.
Honestly, in some cases there's just no good answer; no matter how it's handled someone is going to be uncomfortable or upset. Some families will turn it into a choice - your give family or your intentional family - and that choice is never good. It's not fair to you or your loved ones. To me, it comes back to that they are trying to love you for who they want you to be, not necessarily who you are; and that's an unsustainable situation in the long run. Dan Savage's advice is always, when you aren't dependent on them, simply tell them the truth; give them the ultimatum that they can either love you for who you are or hate you for not being who they wanted you to be. I agree with the advice... But it's scary. And it's advice that, for better or for worse, I haven't followed as of yet.
In this season, though, remember your families - both of them - and take comfort in them as best you can. My families - my given family and my chosen family - are both small... And I regret that most days. I miss them, and they should not be taken for granted... No matter how much stress they cause.
I spent last week visiting family. Quite a lot of people did; it was, after all, Thanksgiving week. I mean, the day before Thanksgiving is one of the busiest travel days of the year (apparently its being the busiest is a myth? It's still in the top ten) as people scurry to their parents' or childrens' or siblings' or in-laws' houses to eat to much and watch ridiculous things on TV (If you're curious, we watched a bunch of Cutthroat Kitchen; turns out I'm a sucker for Alton Brown.). You play games, you talk, you reminisce, you argue and get grumpy over stupid things... All the things families do.
Thanksgiving is really the beginning of what is the biggest family season for a lot of people. There's Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Years, make-up or alternate holidays for split families, various school breaks, massive amounts of shopping... It's not uncommon for this time of year to be the only time you see more distant family members. The thing is, though, that you don't have just one family. Everyone has the family they're born into, but there's also the family you choose... And when the two groups aren't out to each other, that can bring conflict.
Most people have a chosen family separate from their biological family, even if that isn't how they define it. It consists of their friends, significant others and loved ones - the people they surround themselves with intentionally. Another term people use is "intentional families", but it really amounts to the same thing; the people you choose rather than the people you were handed.
The biggest conflict comes, like I said, when the two groups aren't entirely aware of each other. The common scenario is when you haven't come out as non-straight, and haven't introduced your family to the fact that your significant other is the same sex as you. Coming out as gay or lesbian or bi to your family can be traumatic; and yet from my own (probably selfish) point of view, coming out as poly or - the horror - kinky is easily as bad if not worse.
I mean, Ash and I currently do not have a third, and yet what if we did? What if I did have a slave who I did not want to leave behind? I was having a conversation with Persephone the other day about what I want out of a submissive, and the comment that stuck in my mind was that I don't want someone bound to me by a collar; I want someone who loves their collar because they love me. And it may be totally alien to someone who doesn't feel the same way, but that type of situation isn't one where I would want to leave my sub - part of my family - when I went somewhere for the holidays.
It's complicated, of course, by their family. With my family I could, if I needed to, bring along a sub or a girlfriend as a "friend", and whether or not my parents were suspicious they would at least not say much. With Ash's family, I suspect it'd be rather harder; I can't think of a graceful way to bring a friend along with most of them, though we probably could if we talked fast enough. And with this hypothetical sub's family... Unless they were remarkably open-minded, unless you're out to them, it would be hard to explain her bringing a *married couple* with her to her family at the holidays.
Honestly, in some cases there's just no good answer; no matter how it's handled someone is going to be uncomfortable or upset. Some families will turn it into a choice - your give family or your intentional family - and that choice is never good. It's not fair to you or your loved ones. To me, it comes back to that they are trying to love you for who they want you to be, not necessarily who you are; and that's an unsustainable situation in the long run. Dan Savage's advice is always, when you aren't dependent on them, simply tell them the truth; give them the ultimatum that they can either love you for who you are or hate you for not being who they wanted you to be. I agree with the advice... But it's scary. And it's advice that, for better or for worse, I haven't followed as of yet.
In this season, though, remember your families - both of them - and take comfort in them as best you can. My families - my given family and my chosen family - are both small... And I regret that most days. I miss them, and they should not be taken for granted... No matter how much stress they cause.
2014/12/01
Coming to terms with things
Had I been aware of websites like Fetlife five years ago, I would've labeled myself submissive: I appreciate knowing explicitly what is expected of me, having certain things I am responsible for, and I have a habit of keeping track of my partners to make sure they are as taken care of as possible.
Flash forward a few years to when I met Mike. Here was (is) a man who had had submissives and slaves, knew what we wanted from them, and looked forward to having then again. It made me want to complete him; it gave me the challenge of being his perfect and ideal partner. Like with most of my boyfriends, I wanted to meet his needs and be better than all the rest. I wanted him to love me and treasure me above all else. I wanted to be magical. I wanted to be irreplaceable.
I wanted him to keep me.
For a long time, I felt like a failure because he pushed that side of me away. I would try to engage the part of him that he admitted he wished came out more, but he would shy away. On top of that, my sexual advances were equally useless, which left me feeling like I was treading water but never quite going anywhere.
From me, Mike wasn't looking for a sub. I didn't have what it took, especially because I couldn't drop the need for sexuality in these potential scenarios. It was confusing and stressful, but I focused on what I could provide in his life instead:
Understanding. Support. Encouragement. Love. Friendship. Laughter.
It took dating someone who actually actively wanted a completely submissive partner in their life to realize I wasn't actually naturally submissive. When I could get his dom side to come out, I kept being uncomfortable with the ideas he Mike was suggesting. I could go for bits and pieces, but he couldn't get into things piecemeal like that, and I couldn't just jump in completely like he needed. It was frustrating on both ends because we were both invested in him being happy and fulfilled.
Then it hit me:
Thanks to my mother, I was raised with the idea that you did whatever you could to convince your partner to stay with you, since clearly no one would stay of their own accord otherwise. I was raised with the idea that oneself doesn't really matter, especially if being yourself means being alone.
So while the part of me that wants to take care of the people around me still exists, it isn't my main character trait anymore. For the first time in my life, I can basically be myself instead of doing what I can to twist myself to be good for someone else. It's still awkward at times, to be honest, and there's still that part of me that feels I'm letting Mike down by not being able to meet his needs entirely... But he isn't looking for me to do that, and I have no real problem letting him find someone else who can pick up where I left off. It takes some pressure off the part of me that still lingers from before, the part inherently feeling like a failure who worries so much about being abandoned.
I am starting to recognize my worth beyond my willingness to do anything for the people I love. It's difficult and stressful and painful at times -- and it's a long road to walk down on top of that. Thankfully I've got a pretty fantastic travel companion, so it's worth the trouble.
2014/11/28
A brief interlude...
Ash and I are away visiting family and dodging snow, and taking the end of this week off of writing. Hope everyone's Thanksgiving (as applicable) is going well!
2014/11/25
I've discussed names and labels previous, including here: http://othersidesthoughts.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-kinster-by-any-other-name.html. It's one of my pet peeves, one of the things I think about most (outside of food, of course!), and I could rant on this for weeks and weeks if y'all let me. There's a comic I've linked to before as well - "Shades of A" (http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-cover/) and its immediate follow-on "Shades After" (http://www.discordcomics.com/category/comic/shades-after/) - about asexuality and the struggles asexuals and kinksters encounter. And for today, with minimal comment, I'll leave you with this one page where the last panel summarizes so perfectly how I feel about it:
http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-after-033/
Hope this Thanksgiving finds you all well, and my best wishes to you all and your families... Whether biological, chosen, or whatever else.
====
EDIT: This was posted two days early by mistake. I'm being lazy and moving it to its proper time. Sorry!!!
http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-after-033/
Hope this Thanksgiving finds you all well, and my best wishes to you all and your families... Whether biological, chosen, or whatever else.
====
EDIT: This was posted two days early by mistake. I'm being lazy and moving it to its proper time. Sorry!!!
2014/11/24
Maybe It's Rhetorical?
There's this movie trope, which I'm sure most people are familiar with -- the main character, in a beaten down moment, will find themselves inundated with the sound of voices repeating something over and over that perfectly describes the moment at hand. For me, when I'm having an off or bad day, the phrase that ricochets back and forth is, "So why are you even with him? Even with him? With him? Him?" (My mind has an echo, don't mind me.)
It's such a strange phrase given the circumstance of Mike and my relationship, and it's almost invariable said to me by men -- men, who, for the most part, are hoping to land a spot in my pants if things go right. Never mind the fact that I'm in a relationship with a structure that allows me to talk to other people in an otherwise questionable manner. The question haunts me though, as does the implication behind it.
How do you explain to someone *why* you're with someone when your sex drives and interests don't match? How do I say, "everything else is almost perfect for the most part" without sounding like I'm lying or over-exaggerating? How do I make someone understand that sex is important, but not necessarily in this particular relationship? It's such a strange concept to most people.
There's a part of me that is bothered simply because I don't think I would be questioned if I was a guy complaining that my partner/spouse/FWB didn't put out enough. We are raised with the idea that men "only want one thing" and women always have headaches. So not only is it strange to them that *I'm* the one complaining, but the situation itself flies in the face of our societal understanding of women's sexuality.
What's worse is the follow-up to this question, which is usually something along the lines of, "what kind of man can't satisfy you?" This presupposes two things: that Mike isn't "man enough" because he doesn't constantly think with his penis, and two, that it can't be that my sex drive *is* actually pretty far out there (I mean, what kind of pervert must I be if I can't be satisfied by a mere man?!). This line of conversation is actually a serious deal-breaker for me, for a number of reasons.
I can understand that being a secondary for a partnered person is difficult for single people. I have no problem with that. But if I'm going to step away from my primary relationship to give time to someone else, I want them to be respectful of my primary relationship (the same way I want Mike's partners to be respectful of me and I aim to be supportive and encouraging of their relationships as well). If they can't appreciate that I'm not being completely closed off from them despite being married, then I won't even give them the opportunity to be asked "why are you even with her?" from any of THEIR friends.
The second issue I have with the conversation is that I don't appreciate not being taken at my word. I understand we live in a world where a lot of people "put their best foot forward," but I'm too lazy and tired to dick people around like that. If someone presents themselves a specific way, I expect that to be authentic. When I say "I've never dated someone who could exhaust my sex drive," I'm not saying it to brag or titillate anyone. It's simply a fact (one I will explain at a later date, since it's not as straight forward a fact as it sounds, though it's still true), but I get a wink and a nod and a pat on the head -- "suuuuure, sweetie...uh-huh, I believe you..." -- and I'm not into age play, so being treated like an immature child makes me angry.
Sex and intimacy are important to me, and yes, being married to someone who doesn't have the same ideas regarding physical contact is often difficult and frustrating on both sides. But that isn't the end-all-be-all -- I'd rather have the companionship, the similar interests, compatible parenting styles, the laughs, the respect...even if, in the end, we never have standard penis-in-vagina intercourse ever again. I have my toys, I have my options...and I have a husband who makes me laugh and doesn't mind that I find other people attractive.
At the base of it, I'm not sure how anyone would question it. Why would I *not* be with him? I can have my cake and eat it too, more or less. I have a good man at home who loves me enough to say I can go get my needs met elsewhere as needed. Maybe I should just assume that people question it because they're jealous of how awesome my situation is. It's not appreciated, but I can't really blame them.
'Haters gonna hate,' I guess?
It's such a strange phrase given the circumstance of Mike and my relationship, and it's almost invariable said to me by men -- men, who, for the most part, are hoping to land a spot in my pants if things go right. Never mind the fact that I'm in a relationship with a structure that allows me to talk to other people in an otherwise questionable manner. The question haunts me though, as does the implication behind it.
How do you explain to someone *why* you're with someone when your sex drives and interests don't match? How do I say, "everything else is almost perfect for the most part" without sounding like I'm lying or over-exaggerating? How do I make someone understand that sex is important, but not necessarily in this particular relationship? It's such a strange concept to most people.
There's a part of me that is bothered simply because I don't think I would be questioned if I was a guy complaining that my partner/spouse/FWB didn't put out enough. We are raised with the idea that men "only want one thing" and women always have headaches. So not only is it strange to them that *I'm* the one complaining, but the situation itself flies in the face of our societal understanding of women's sexuality.
What's worse is the follow-up to this question, which is usually something along the lines of, "what kind of man can't satisfy you?" This presupposes two things: that Mike isn't "man enough" because he doesn't constantly think with his penis, and two, that it can't be that my sex drive *is* actually pretty far out there (I mean, what kind of pervert must I be if I can't be satisfied by a mere man?!). This line of conversation is actually a serious deal-breaker for me, for a number of reasons.
I can understand that being a secondary for a partnered person is difficult for single people. I have no problem with that. But if I'm going to step away from my primary relationship to give time to someone else, I want them to be respectful of my primary relationship (the same way I want Mike's partners to be respectful of me and I aim to be supportive and encouraging of their relationships as well). If they can't appreciate that I'm not being completely closed off from them despite being married, then I won't even give them the opportunity to be asked "why are you even with her?" from any of THEIR friends.
The second issue I have with the conversation is that I don't appreciate not being taken at my word. I understand we live in a world where a lot of people "put their best foot forward," but I'm too lazy and tired to dick people around like that. If someone presents themselves a specific way, I expect that to be authentic. When I say "I've never dated someone who could exhaust my sex drive," I'm not saying it to brag or titillate anyone. It's simply a fact (one I will explain at a later date, since it's not as straight forward a fact as it sounds, though it's still true), but I get a wink and a nod and a pat on the head -- "suuuuure, sweetie...uh-huh, I believe you..." -- and I'm not into age play, so being treated like an immature child makes me angry.
Sex and intimacy are important to me, and yes, being married to someone who doesn't have the same ideas regarding physical contact is often difficult and frustrating on both sides. But that isn't the end-all-be-all -- I'd rather have the companionship, the similar interests, compatible parenting styles, the laughs, the respect...even if, in the end, we never have standard penis-in-vagina intercourse ever again. I have my toys, I have my options...and I have a husband who makes me laugh and doesn't mind that I find other people attractive.
At the base of it, I'm not sure how anyone would question it. Why would I *not* be with him? I can have my cake and eat it too, more or less. I have a good man at home who loves me enough to say I can go get my needs met elsewhere as needed. Maybe I should just assume that people question it because they're jealous of how awesome my situation is. It's not appreciated, but I can't really blame them.
'Haters gonna hate,' I guess?
2014/11/21
Tomorrow is a New Day
So a while back, I found two articles by a woman called Helen Croydon:
http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2014/04/screw-fairy-tale-it-s-time-rethink-monogamy
and
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118931/monogamy-rare-new-commitment-currency
Anyone who's read any of my blog knows my opinions on open/poly vs. monogamous won't be surprised by the fact that I agree wit most of what they say; still, it's worth looking at it from another perspective. Those numbers in the 2nd paragraph of the 2nd story really scary me... But they don't surprise me. I've encountered that type of thing before; hell, I've been in relationships like that before.
Out of her online survey, 7 people out of 100 said that just thinking about another person was cheating - was unacceptable. This happened to me in my first marriage; my ex-wife was so upset by the thought I might find another woman attractive, without ever saying anything, without ever acting on it... Just the idea that I might find another woman attractive was cheating to her... Which is patently absurd. Not all human thought is conscious. Most human emotion isn't conscious. No human can meet that standard. It may not happen immediately, it may not happen every day, but eventually you'll see someone on TV or walk past someone on the street who happens to push your button; and you'll find tem attractive. It's not like that's a problem; it's not that it's unreasonable. It's that some people are so insecure and jealous that they can't handle human nature.
Relationships are just so... Fragile, these days. Maria made a comment earlier today about "never having had a successful relationship", which I objected to; most people have very poor ideas of how relationships are supposed to work. A relationship not lasting forever is seen as a failure by almost everyone I know; but that's just as absurd as saying that you'll never be attracted to anyone except the person you're with. Relationships start, and relationships end. They change, they evolve, they aren't always recognizable as what they originally were... But most relationships end quickly. Why? Because you're not meant to be together. You get to know each other... And that process indicates you aren't meant to stay forever.
In either of these cases, why has the relationship failed? Because it didn't meet some unrealizable ideal. Our culture has idealized this holy state of "dating" or "being in a relationship", when all it really means is you both get something out of spending time with the other person. And this is where I stumble with respect to monogamy - because I get something out of every relationship I have, not just ones that end up naked and in bed.
I love my friends. In a very real sense, that's how I define friendship; my friends are the people who I care about. I get something out of my relationships with them, or I wouldn't care about them. Some of them are sexual; some of them are platonic. Some are same-sex, some are opposite-sex. Some are based in our professional lives, some are based in our gaming lives, some are based in our kink lives, some are based in our sporting/martial arts lives... They're all different; but they all bring me something else, some value, something better than my life would be without.
As Ash said... Even the labels "monogamous" and "non-monogamous/open/poly" aren't always fair. I didn't go into this relationship, this marriage, intending to be monogamous; or intending to be polyamorous; or even thinking hard about it. I went into this relationship realizing we enjoyed each other, and looking for something stable. In my own geeky pseudo-scientific thoughts, it's a higher-energy stable condition. She had a stable life without me; I had a stable life without her; those two lives went away, and now we have a stable life together. Our life together is better than our lives apart... So we're still together. Not complicated. But my dating and being attracted to other people doesn't change that stability. It doesn't change that our life is still together just because I'm involved with other people. In fact, sometimes it's even better still because we're together and I'm seeing other people.
My need for companionship and my need for a submissive are, for the most part, exclusive. I still choose to believe it's theoretically possible one person could fulfill them both; but I've not found someone who does, not properly. Ash is the best companion I've ever had; my best friend, my lover, my wife, (step-)mother to my child. But she isn't my submissive; and the fact that I don't have one makes me sad. Having a sub fills a hole somewhere in me... And that makes my life better, and - as a result - the lives of everyone I relate to better, even if only indirectly.
It's not a hard concept; it's just hard for people to accept they're not losing something when their boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or spouse also loves someone else. Hearts aren't finite; but brains are jealous. And it's that jealousy, that unwillingness to admit the very lack of loss, that leaves our society where it is today.
Maria is a friend who I lost touch with for many years, and we reconnected essentially by accident. We agreed in principle, a couple of days ago, to negotiating for her to become my slave; a process that, right now, I expect will take a while to sort out. I'm cautious and want to make sure we both understand each other, but I'm excited; this has the potential to be very good for both of us. And Ash? Ash is really excited. She isn't excited because she'll lose some of my time; and she's not yet met Maria, so she's not excited at getting a chance to have this woman around. She's excited because her husband, her love - me - has a chance to have a hole in his life filled, and she knows it's a chance for the life of everyone involved to be a bit better.
I'm very lucky to have this opportunity. Do I know how it's going to work out? No. We may just never be able to come to agreement about what limits and rules we can live with; we may never quite get to the place where we can say "Yes, Maria is my slave and we're both content." But we might; and we like that prospect... And we know that if we don't get there, it isn't a failure for us. There aren't illusions about perfection or permanence, not yet. Hopes? Sure. There always are. But for now... It's one day at a time, as we all work to be in a better place tomorrow.
I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2014/04/screw-fairy-tale-it-s-time-rethink-monogamy
and
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118931/monogamy-rare-new-commitment-currency
Anyone who's read any of my blog knows my opinions on open/poly vs. monogamous won't be surprised by the fact that I agree wit most of what they say; still, it's worth looking at it from another perspective. Those numbers in the 2nd paragraph of the 2nd story really scary me... But they don't surprise me. I've encountered that type of thing before; hell, I've been in relationships like that before.
Out of her online survey, 7 people out of 100 said that just thinking about another person was cheating - was unacceptable. This happened to me in my first marriage; my ex-wife was so upset by the thought I might find another woman attractive, without ever saying anything, without ever acting on it... Just the idea that I might find another woman attractive was cheating to her... Which is patently absurd. Not all human thought is conscious. Most human emotion isn't conscious. No human can meet that standard. It may not happen immediately, it may not happen every day, but eventually you'll see someone on TV or walk past someone on the street who happens to push your button; and you'll find tem attractive. It's not like that's a problem; it's not that it's unreasonable. It's that some people are so insecure and jealous that they can't handle human nature.
Relationships are just so... Fragile, these days. Maria made a comment earlier today about "never having had a successful relationship", which I objected to; most people have very poor ideas of how relationships are supposed to work. A relationship not lasting forever is seen as a failure by almost everyone I know; but that's just as absurd as saying that you'll never be attracted to anyone except the person you're with. Relationships start, and relationships end. They change, they evolve, they aren't always recognizable as what they originally were... But most relationships end quickly. Why? Because you're not meant to be together. You get to know each other... And that process indicates you aren't meant to stay forever.
In either of these cases, why has the relationship failed? Because it didn't meet some unrealizable ideal. Our culture has idealized this holy state of "dating" or "being in a relationship", when all it really means is you both get something out of spending time with the other person. And this is where I stumble with respect to monogamy - because I get something out of every relationship I have, not just ones that end up naked and in bed.
I love my friends. In a very real sense, that's how I define friendship; my friends are the people who I care about. I get something out of my relationships with them, or I wouldn't care about them. Some of them are sexual; some of them are platonic. Some are same-sex, some are opposite-sex. Some are based in our professional lives, some are based in our gaming lives, some are based in our kink lives, some are based in our sporting/martial arts lives... They're all different; but they all bring me something else, some value, something better than my life would be without.
As Ash said... Even the labels "monogamous" and "non-monogamous/open/poly" aren't always fair. I didn't go into this relationship, this marriage, intending to be monogamous; or intending to be polyamorous; or even thinking hard about it. I went into this relationship realizing we enjoyed each other, and looking for something stable. In my own geeky pseudo-scientific thoughts, it's a higher-energy stable condition. She had a stable life without me; I had a stable life without her; those two lives went away, and now we have a stable life together. Our life together is better than our lives apart... So we're still together. Not complicated. But my dating and being attracted to other people doesn't change that stability. It doesn't change that our life is still together just because I'm involved with other people. In fact, sometimes it's even better still because we're together and I'm seeing other people.
My need for companionship and my need for a submissive are, for the most part, exclusive. I still choose to believe it's theoretically possible one person could fulfill them both; but I've not found someone who does, not properly. Ash is the best companion I've ever had; my best friend, my lover, my wife, (step-)mother to my child. But she isn't my submissive; and the fact that I don't have one makes me sad. Having a sub fills a hole somewhere in me... And that makes my life better, and - as a result - the lives of everyone I relate to better, even if only indirectly.
It's not a hard concept; it's just hard for people to accept they're not losing something when their boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or spouse also loves someone else. Hearts aren't finite; but brains are jealous. And it's that jealousy, that unwillingness to admit the very lack of loss, that leaves our society where it is today.
Maria is a friend who I lost touch with for many years, and we reconnected essentially by accident. We agreed in principle, a couple of days ago, to negotiating for her to become my slave; a process that, right now, I expect will take a while to sort out. I'm cautious and want to make sure we both understand each other, but I'm excited; this has the potential to be very good for both of us. And Ash? Ash is really excited. She isn't excited because she'll lose some of my time; and she's not yet met Maria, so she's not excited at getting a chance to have this woman around. She's excited because her husband, her love - me - has a chance to have a hole in his life filled, and she knows it's a chance for the life of everyone involved to be a bit better.
I'm very lucky to have this opportunity. Do I know how it's going to work out? No. We may just never be able to come to agreement about what limits and rules we can live with; we may never quite get to the place where we can say "Yes, Maria is my slave and we're both content." But we might; and we like that prospect... And we know that if we don't get there, it isn't a failure for us. There aren't illusions about perfection or permanence, not yet. Hopes? Sure. There always are. But for now... It's one day at a time, as we all work to be in a better place tomorrow.
I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
2014/11/20
A brief introduction
I was originally going to write something different for today, but before I got too far into this blog-writing dealie, I wanted to take a moment and introduce myself, since a lot of people only know me as "Ash, illustrious other half of resident kinkster Mike Miner." While this is true, I'm arguably more than that, and I'm hoping to prove myself to be worth reading.
So! A few bullet points, in no particular order:
My real goal in all of this is to have a space to say the things I can't in most of the circles I run in: namely the more off-beat and "perverted" things I can't really explain or talk about to my office mates or family. My knowledge and understanding is a lot different from Mike's, but there is enough of a thematic overlap that we think I will be a worthwhile addition to the blog.
-Ash.
So! A few bullet points, in no particular order:
- While Mike is more on the lifestyle-kink train, my perviness has mostly been grounded in hypothetical sexual things. Despite these being more socially acceptable (in comparison to some kinks and interests), my partners have largely found my interests a little strange and/or unorthodox.
- I wouldn't label myself a sub or submissive, but my general attitude leans toward making sure other people are getting something out of whatever is going on before I do.
- That selflessness has halted somewhat now that I have found myself with someone who sees me as worthwhile beyond my ability to satisfy them in bed. Mike will often reference my high sex drive while I point to my previous and long-held belief that the best way to show love and affection is through a basic willingness to do whatever is requested of me...which has not always worked to my advantage, so it's nice that Mike doesn't take me up on this terribly often.
- I'm not inherently monogamous nor non-monogamous: mostly just open-minded in how to achieve a stable relationship. I'm also not particularly jealous, which is helpful.
- I'm bisexual but hate the word; I'd say I'm 'pansexual' except, more often than not, no one knows what that means or implies.
- The older I get, the more picky I am about my partners. This, when combined with my increasing preference for being a hermit means I don't really take advantage of some of my marriage's freedoms.
My real goal in all of this is to have a space to say the things I can't in most of the circles I run in: namely the more off-beat and "perverted" things I can't really explain or talk about to my office mates or family. My knowledge and understanding is a lot different from Mike's, but there is enough of a thematic overlap that we think I will be a worthwhile addition to the blog.
-Ash.
2014/11/18
A Little Practice Goes a Long Way
I don't believe it's come up before, but I happen to practice two martial arts. I've been doing one about three years, one about a year; and as it stands (unless something drastic changes) I'll be testing for black belt in the one some time next year. My son - 8 this year - does the same two martial arts (for about six months and three years, but the other ways around) and will be testing for black belt in his preferred art either next year or early the year after. I love it; and it's changed my life, my health, and my outlook on a number of things. One of the ways in which it's changed my perspective - almost in a silly way - is how I look at black belts. It's very easy to fall into society's normal view of black belts as sortof the be-all and end-all of martial artists. A black belt is the mystical master of martial arts who wins every fight... But that's really not how it is at all.
My instructor has black belts in three arts; in fact, between them he has 16 total Dan. He has in fact been doing this - as a student and then an instructor - for almost 30 years now, and he'll be the first to tell you he doesn't know all there is to know. My next test in my preferred art is for recommended black belt - and I can look at what I know, what I do, and know I have years before I feel comfortable calling myself "good" at what I do.
The whole "black belt" idea isn't even all that old, and as far as I can tell originated in Japanese go schools... But Wikipedia summarizes it like this:
All a black belt means in most arts is that you aren't a total amateur. You know enough to be considered competent, and maybe even to help pass along what you know... But invariably, you have a long way to go before you're a master or one of the really skilled few.
Maria is a friend of mine from back in high school. I don't remember exactly how we met - drama? Music? Something outside of school? I don't think we shared any classes at any point - but we had a large number of overlapping friends, so I suppose it would have been inevitable either way. After we were both out of school we lost touch for a number of years... But we recently reconnected and have spent quite a bit of time talking about our mutual kinks and interests.
To be completely fair, more of that "time talking about our mutual kinks and interests" than I'm really comfortable admitting has been me whining because I don't have a slave right now... But that's a different subject she can make fun of me for later. But the reason I'm bringing her up is because on of her closest friends - I don't think "girlfriend" is the right word, but it's not totally out of line - has expressed at least some interest in BDSM, and we exchanged thoughts (some serious, some decidely not so) on the idea of introducing her to submission and training her.
Training isn't exactly a rare topic in BDSM. There's always a steady stream of new victims (literally or figuratively); people get started every day in more different ways than you can count, and all of them have to start somewhere. That "somewhere" is some form of education - whether they're foolish and just dive in to get their first lessons on the job (so to speak), or whether they get a formal education at the hands of a "Master" (so to speak), or anything in between... The learning is there. The biggest reason, though, is because of something I've said before; everyone seems to have a subtly different opinion on how it all works. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but the side effect is that every time you encounter a new partner you're trying to mesh subtly differing systems that frequently aren't quite compatible. That means every time you meet a new partner you're learning another way to do the same thing.
It's hard to find a good word to use for someone who knows what they're doing in the world of BDSM. Borrowing the most common term from martial arts - "Master" - is a loaded suggestion, and in general is a terrible place to start! Calling them a "pro" has implications of sex work... And not that there's anything inherently wrong with it, it's not the implication we want to make. I almost prefer the word "mature" - because the most distinguishing characteristic of them isn't necessarily a broad or deep level of knowledge; it's an admission that no matter how much they've already learned the people they interact with have something to offer. Experience is worth a lot, but humility - the willingness to avoid and address assumptions - is worth so much more sometimes.
So what kind of training is Kara - Maria's friend - going to get? Who is she going to get it from? I don't know. Hell, at this point, it's not a given she's going to take the plunge and do it! I think she would if Maria asked, but this isn't the type of thing you force someone you care for to do. Do I hope that, if Kara does move to being trained as a sub, I'll be able to help? Of course! I love teaching. I loved being a teacher's assistent in grad school; I love helping instruct the juniors at my martial arts school; and I love passing along what I know and what I think about BDSM. It's the heart of why I started this blog. I've been doing BDSM, in one form or another, for essentially 20 years now... And that's a lot of time to pick things up.
I know, though, that even with that kindof time dedicated to it, I'll never stop learning in this area. A couple of days ago I learned some fascinating ties for immobilizing elbows in front of a person; a month ago I learned fascinating things about suspension from piercings; last year I learned a lot about the relative benefits of using twisted wire for bondage of ropes or chains. I have no idea what I'll learn tomorrow, or next month, or next year... But I'm certain that it'll be something. I've never stopped learning in BDSM, and - thankfully - I don't believe I ever will.
My instructor has black belts in three arts; in fact, between them he has 16 total Dan. He has in fact been doing this - as a student and then an instructor - for almost 30 years now, and he'll be the first to tell you he doesn't know all there is to know. My next test in my preferred art is for recommended black belt - and I can look at what I know, what I do, and know I have years before I feel comfortable calling myself "good" at what I do.
The whole "black belt" idea isn't even all that old, and as far as I can tell originated in Japanese go schools... But Wikipedia summarizes it like this:
The black belt is commonly the highest belt color used and denotes a degree of competence. It is often associated with a teaching grade though frequently not the highest grade or the "expert" of public perception.
All a black belt means in most arts is that you aren't a total amateur. You know enough to be considered competent, and maybe even to help pass along what you know... But invariably, you have a long way to go before you're a master or one of the really skilled few.
Maria is a friend of mine from back in high school. I don't remember exactly how we met - drama? Music? Something outside of school? I don't think we shared any classes at any point - but we had a large number of overlapping friends, so I suppose it would have been inevitable either way. After we were both out of school we lost touch for a number of years... But we recently reconnected and have spent quite a bit of time talking about our mutual kinks and interests.
To be completely fair, more of that "time talking about our mutual kinks and interests" than I'm really comfortable admitting has been me whining because I don't have a slave right now... But that's a different subject she can make fun of me for later. But the reason I'm bringing her up is because on of her closest friends - I don't think "girlfriend" is the right word, but it's not totally out of line - has expressed at least some interest in BDSM, and we exchanged thoughts (some serious, some decidely not so) on the idea of introducing her to submission and training her.
Training isn't exactly a rare topic in BDSM. There's always a steady stream of new victims (literally or figuratively); people get started every day in more different ways than you can count, and all of them have to start somewhere. That "somewhere" is some form of education - whether they're foolish and just dive in to get their first lessons on the job (so to speak), or whether they get a formal education at the hands of a "Master" (so to speak), or anything in between... The learning is there. The biggest reason, though, is because of something I've said before; everyone seems to have a subtly different opinion on how it all works. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but the side effect is that every time you encounter a new partner you're trying to mesh subtly differing systems that frequently aren't quite compatible. That means every time you meet a new partner you're learning another way to do the same thing.
It's hard to find a good word to use for someone who knows what they're doing in the world of BDSM. Borrowing the most common term from martial arts - "Master" - is a loaded suggestion, and in general is a terrible place to start! Calling them a "pro" has implications of sex work... And not that there's anything inherently wrong with it, it's not the implication we want to make. I almost prefer the word "mature" - because the most distinguishing characteristic of them isn't necessarily a broad or deep level of knowledge; it's an admission that no matter how much they've already learned the people they interact with have something to offer. Experience is worth a lot, but humility - the willingness to avoid and address assumptions - is worth so much more sometimes.
So what kind of training is Kara - Maria's friend - going to get? Who is she going to get it from? I don't know. Hell, at this point, it's not a given she's going to take the plunge and do it! I think she would if Maria asked, but this isn't the type of thing you force someone you care for to do. Do I hope that, if Kara does move to being trained as a sub, I'll be able to help? Of course! I love teaching. I loved being a teacher's assistent in grad school; I love helping instruct the juniors at my martial arts school; and I love passing along what I know and what I think about BDSM. It's the heart of why I started this blog. I've been doing BDSM, in one form or another, for essentially 20 years now... And that's a lot of time to pick things up.
I know, though, that even with that kindof time dedicated to it, I'll never stop learning in this area. A couple of days ago I learned some fascinating ties for immobilizing elbows in front of a person; a month ago I learned fascinating things about suspension from piercings; last year I learned a lot about the relative benefits of using twisted wire for bondage of ropes or chains. I have no idea what I'll learn tomorrow, or next month, or next year... But I'm certain that it'll be something. I've never stopped learning in BDSM, and - thankfully - I don't believe I ever will.
2014/11/17
I am posting this on behalf of Ash; however, going forwards, you should look forward to continued entries under her own name.
---
In Mike's last post, he discussed a recent Savage Lovecast episode where a caller wanted some input on how to handle the fact that his ex-wife told their daughter that their marriage ended because he cheated, with the truth of the situation being more complicated than it would appear. I wanted to weigh in on this, given I have some first-hand experience on the caller's daughter's end.
It was strange to learn that Mike's first marriage was basically a similar one to my parents', with the main difference being a gender swap. I knew at a very young age that my dad liked men and that this was why my parents weren't together anymore (they divorced when I was three-ish) -- but I don't actually remember the big reveal on the "gay thing" or on the "cheated on mom" thing -- I was just aware of it, enough to ask him about it over the years. What I do remember is that what bothered me wasn't the fact that he cheated (repeatedly) but the fact that he and his now-husband had such a caustic relationship, and he wasn't that great of a father.
Maybe it's a logic thing on my part where I can understand cheating if you can't live within the confines of your relationship. I understood why my dad would want to be with men (that's what gay men do), but what I didn't understand was why he married my mom and had me in the first place, given he didn't seem to really put his back into being a dad at all. He never fought for me, instead fighting around me, which didn't make me want to be there any more often than absolutely possible. Combine that with it never occurring to him to make sure I had space of my own at any of his apartments, and I felt uncomfortable and out of place every other weekend for sixteen years.
The fact is, Mike loves his son and his son knows it. They are very similar and I don't know what would happen if his mother told him damning things, regardless of whether or not they're true. Unlike my father, he tries to connect with his son and does his best to teach him how to be a good person. If his ex-wife decides to do something like spread lies or misinformation, then I'm hoping their son can balance it out with knowing Mike is his biggest fan.
The other side of it is that Mike doesn't actively talk about his ex-wife often unless his son brings it up. He has plenty of reason to villainize her, but he doesn't. She's still his son's mother and involving their son in their own issues just ultimately makes them look bad.
My point is, I guess, that telling personal truths to children can be rough but the way you combat them is to, as Dan Savage put it, "don't be a monster." Be a good parent to your kids and hopefully they'll judge you on that instead of just adding another log to the fire of you-in-effigy they've had burning for a while.
---
In Mike's last post, he discussed a recent Savage Lovecast episode where a caller wanted some input on how to handle the fact that his ex-wife told their daughter that their marriage ended because he cheated, with the truth of the situation being more complicated than it would appear. I wanted to weigh in on this, given I have some first-hand experience on the caller's daughter's end.
It was strange to learn that Mike's first marriage was basically a similar one to my parents', with the main difference being a gender swap. I knew at a very young age that my dad liked men and that this was why my parents weren't together anymore (they divorced when I was three-ish) -- but I don't actually remember the big reveal on the "gay thing" or on the "cheated on mom" thing -- I was just aware of it, enough to ask him about it over the years. What I do remember is that what bothered me wasn't the fact that he cheated (repeatedly) but the fact that he and his now-husband had such a caustic relationship, and he wasn't that great of a father.
Maybe it's a logic thing on my part where I can understand cheating if you can't live within the confines of your relationship. I understood why my dad would want to be with men (that's what gay men do), but what I didn't understand was why he married my mom and had me in the first place, given he didn't seem to really put his back into being a dad at all. He never fought for me, instead fighting around me, which didn't make me want to be there any more often than absolutely possible. Combine that with it never occurring to him to make sure I had space of my own at any of his apartments, and I felt uncomfortable and out of place every other weekend for sixteen years.
The fact is, Mike loves his son and his son knows it. They are very similar and I don't know what would happen if his mother told him damning things, regardless of whether or not they're true. Unlike my father, he tries to connect with his son and does his best to teach him how to be a good person. If his ex-wife decides to do something like spread lies or misinformation, then I'm hoping their son can balance it out with knowing Mike is his biggest fan.
The other side of it is that Mike doesn't actively talk about his ex-wife often unless his son brings it up. He has plenty of reason to villainize her, but he doesn't. She's still his son's mother and involving their son in their own issues just ultimately makes them look bad.
My point is, I guess, that telling personal truths to children can be rough but the way you combat them is to, as Dan Savage put it, "don't be a monster." Be a good parent to your kids and hopefully they'll judge you on that instead of just adding another log to the fire of you-in-effigy they've had burning for a while.
2014/11/14
While True, It's Not the Whole Story
Hello Dan; I am a mid-40s male in the midwest. I have just been told by my 12-year-old daughter her mom has told her that the reason that her mom and I divorced is that I cheated on her. While that is true it does not tell the whole story...
That was the first couple of sentences of a caller's message on the Savage Lovecast this week. It's from episode 420; check it out here (I recommend the podcast in general, not just the ones I comment on). It's not the first time I've heard it... And it struck very close to home. This is a person who was with his wife for a number of years; a marriage that turned into a sexless, possibly emotionally abusive relationship. There was cheating, a divorce, and then he married the person he cheated with; and his ex, the mother of his daughter, has explicitly fingered that and him to be the reason their marriage fell apart.
This struck me for two reasons - first, because of how much it reminded me of our own marriage; and second, because of how close-to-home it strikes me relative to my ex's threats around my son. And the guy's problem, while I sympathize and identify with it, isn't the most important part of the podcast, not the part most worth listening to; Dan's response is.
I don't think I've talked about it directly before, but my marriage ended in an incredibly ugly way. There were accusations of cheating, actual cheating, yelling, arguments, suicide attempts, a mental hospital, a coming out as bisexual (which to this day I still don't know whether it was honest) followed - two years later - by a coming out as lesbian, and an enormous amount of pain. I'll never know with certainty how much of our marriage was her lying to herself and how much was her lying to me; I do have a pretty good idea how much of it was her using me to get what she wanted at my expense even after she no longer loved me or wanted to be with me. And yet with all this, with all this history, she still felt virtuous in threatening to take my kinks to a judge and trying to have my son taken away - because in her mind, I was a monster, and therefore it was natural to assume everyone else would agree. And the really damning part? Most of them would.
You asked me, how do you convince her you're not a monster? You don't be a monster.It's hard enough presenting my lifestyle to adults. It's hard enough trying to make them understand there's nothing wrong with me because of my interest in pain, or blood, or bondage, or domination and submission. It's hard enough trying to make them understand there's nothing wrong with me because of the fact I don't use monogamy as a natural rest state and am honest enough to sometimes say that out loud.
What most people seem to forget is that in these cases, most of the time, we're not the bad guys; all too often we're the victims. It's easy to condemn us because we're different; it's easy to condemn us because our minds don't run in quite the same circles as everyone else. It's worse because we're open about it sometimes, even proud of it... It's worse when we aren't ashamed, because we're accused of flaunting it or "spreading our disease".
The best defense you have against this is education. When your children are 8, or 12? No, this isn't a conversation you should be having, at least in the specific sense; they shouldn't know all about your sex life. But when they're 16, 18, 20? When your parents are the ones? Your siblings? Yes - they should know. They should know the truth about the kinks, about the interests, about the fact that there's nothing wrong with being poly or dominant or masochistic or anything else. This won't be any easier with kink than it is with homosexuality; some people are just bigoted and no amount of logic or truth will sway that. And sometimes, they should know that the ones their bigotry and ignorance are hurting are their family.
I'm terrified of talking to my parents about it, because they are bigoted and set in their ways; I'm not scared of telling my sister or my cousins any more, because they're much more supportive of the.. Different and minorities (...and, well, because we already told my one cousin we're poly anyway). And I'm scared of telling my son, but I actually don't think it'll go badly. I don't particularly care if he grows up being straight or gay or bi or pansexual; vanilla or kinky or whatever. He has a shot at being brought up without the kindof of narrow-minded bigotry that poisons too much of our culture and leads to me being labelled a monster.
The real monster in this situation is ignorance... And it's not something you'll ever escape. It's something you simply have to pick your battles and stand you ground and be proud of who you are.
2014/11/11
A Guest Post...
So Mike mentioned this article (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/25/our-three-way-relationship-isnt-your-business-even-if-were-doing-business) the other day and brought up the dread he felt in response to it, without going into a lot of detail. The main takeaway was the fact that rolling out the inherent threeness of a potential relationship is problematic for him, especially in light of his exwife's inherent conservatism.
For me, though, the dread comes from a totally different angle.
First, like the lesbian married to a man in another article Mike posted recently, I take issue with being automatically assumed to be straight by the simple fact that I am married to a man. I am not a fan of "rounding up/down to heterosexual," leaving me to come out repeatedly to random people whenever the conversation lends itself to it -- for example, when talking about Hooters, my coworker mentioned being a little offended that the waitress had flirted with her in front of her boyfriend, leaving me to point out that not everyone in relationships is unwilling to flirt, and not all women with male partners have issues with ladies flirting with them.
In a lot of ways, I worry about how people would react if Mike and I did find a good match for both of us. For Mike, yes, it could cause issues with his exwife because she might assume our home would be an inappropriate place to raise their child. Meanwhile I know Mike's mother would more or less disown me, to say nothing of my own family, because there was never any option but for this magical third to be anything but some approximation of female given that is where our broad physical interests overlap. There is no real challenge to Mike's image being presented, whereas mine will come under scrutiny considering his first wife turned out to be a closeted lesbian.
When I came out to my immediate family in high school as a liker-of-ladies, my youngest sister was the only one who didn't care. My mother insisted it was a result of sexual abuse and because my *gay* father was also a *bad* father. My dad pretended not to hear me, and my middle sister was disgusted (and conveniently later chose to forget about it entirely). My school friends chose not to believe me, except for the ones I would occasionally make out with. It wasn't an uncommon reaction, but it more or less forced me back in the closet in their eyes: so I have basically been rounding up/down to straight because that's what happens when your family and friends refuse to take your female relationships at face-value.
So there is a serious part of me that feels queasy at the thought of re-coming out, with the lovely added bonus of explaining how Mike's and my marriage works (which could easily be the subject of many a blogpost).
It wouldn't be fair to our potential third to be kept a secret or be treated like a perpetual roommate, but I would be lying if I didn't admit the whole thing is as terrifying as it seems potentially wonderful. I can't tell if my concern would keep me from pursuing something, but it would certainly affect how I made people aware of the situation when it became serious enough to matter. I get enough grief for not being threatened by the idea of Mike having freedoms and using them (even though I have the same freedoms and generally don't take advantage of them) that I cannot imagine the response to admitting our relationship involves a third person.
Ultimately, it's all speculation until it becomes a reality. I have little faith we will find a good fit (Mike and I have very different needs/wants in our partners), but until then, maybe I should start putting money aside for a bigger bed since they are pretty expensive...but would be totally worth it when the time came.
-Ash.
For me, though, the dread comes from a totally different angle.
First, like the lesbian married to a man in another article Mike posted recently, I take issue with being automatically assumed to be straight by the simple fact that I am married to a man. I am not a fan of "rounding up/down to heterosexual," leaving me to come out repeatedly to random people whenever the conversation lends itself to it -- for example, when talking about Hooters, my coworker mentioned being a little offended that the waitress had flirted with her in front of her boyfriend, leaving me to point out that not everyone in relationships is unwilling to flirt, and not all women with male partners have issues with ladies flirting with them.
In a lot of ways, I worry about how people would react if Mike and I did find a good match for both of us. For Mike, yes, it could cause issues with his exwife because she might assume our home would be an inappropriate place to raise their child. Meanwhile I know Mike's mother would more or less disown me, to say nothing of my own family, because there was never any option but for this magical third to be anything but some approximation of female given that is where our broad physical interests overlap. There is no real challenge to Mike's image being presented, whereas mine will come under scrutiny considering his first wife turned out to be a closeted lesbian.
When I came out to my immediate family in high school as a liker-of-ladies, my youngest sister was the only one who didn't care. My mother insisted it was a result of sexual abuse and because my *gay* father was also a *bad* father. My dad pretended not to hear me, and my middle sister was disgusted (and conveniently later chose to forget about it entirely). My school friends chose not to believe me, except for the ones I would occasionally make out with. It wasn't an uncommon reaction, but it more or less forced me back in the closet in their eyes: so I have basically been rounding up/down to straight because that's what happens when your family and friends refuse to take your female relationships at face-value.
So there is a serious part of me that feels queasy at the thought of re-coming out, with the lovely added bonus of explaining how Mike's and my marriage works (which could easily be the subject of many a blogpost).
It wouldn't be fair to our potential third to be kept a secret or be treated like a perpetual roommate, but I would be lying if I didn't admit the whole thing is as terrifying as it seems potentially wonderful. I can't tell if my concern would keep me from pursuing something, but it would certainly affect how I made people aware of the situation when it became serious enough to matter. I get enough grief for not being threatened by the idea of Mike having freedoms and using them (even though I have the same freedoms and generally don't take advantage of them) that I cannot imagine the response to admitting our relationship involves a third person.
Ultimately, it's all speculation until it becomes a reality. I have little faith we will find a good fit (Mike and I have very different needs/wants in our partners), but until then, maybe I should start putting money aside for a bigger bed since they are pretty expensive...but would be totally worth it when the time came.
-Ash.
2014/11/07
Ash sent me this link a few days ago:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/25/our-three-way-relationship-isnt-your-business-even-if-were-doing-business
...I worry about this. This is something I dread. I mean, it's not like we have a third, or someone that might be moving in any time soon; but it's something we've talked about, something we're aware may happen if we find the right person. And this is something that may happen. Worse, I'm going to consciously make the choice to inflict this on us, because of my ex...
I've gone on and on about this on a couple of other posts, so I won't go on a rant on it. But this is my thought for the day.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/25/our-three-way-relationship-isnt-your-business-even-if-were-doing-business
...I worry about this. This is something I dread. I mean, it's not like we have a third, or someone that might be moving in any time soon; but it's something we've talked about, something we're aware may happen if we find the right person. And this is something that may happen. Worse, I'm going to consciously make the choice to inflict this on us, because of my ex...
I've gone on and on about this on a couple of other posts, so I won't go on a rant on it. But this is my thought for the day.
2014/11/04
Sometimes It's Hard to Tell
Some of you may have heard of Jian Ghomeshi; many of you probably haven't, or at least not before the last few weeks. He is a broadcast personality, and generally a celebrity in some circles. Not in the US, particularly, but that's okay; I doubt many Canadians care much about US broadcast personalities after all. He's an author, a musician, and - to listen to what's been in the news recent - a pervert.
Now don't get me wrong; I don't say that as a pejorative. One of my dearest friends from the late 90s has been proudly calling me - and herself - a pervert for as long as I've known her. Some people, myself included, see being a pervert as something more like a badge of honour. I don't hold his being a pervert - my term, not his - against him. Being involved in BDSM, sadomasochistic sex, is not only fine - it's what I do. What I do hold against him is the allegations that his sadism crossed the line into abuse and assault.
On October 26th the CBC announced that he was being fired, and the reason was the three women who came forwards and claimed he had assaulted them. Not "he's a filthy pervert"; not "oh my god, why do they let monsters with his kinks out on the street"; but "this man assaulted us in a non-consensual manner". Jian immediately came back and announced a law suit against his former employer, claiming wrongful firing and that the allegations are totally groundless. The discussion has been loud on both sides - one side championing the groundless persecution of an innocent man, however kinky or "perverted", and the either espousing the egregious abuse of innocent women by a vicious monster.
I don't know the entire situation, which isn't surprising. I've read a lot about it, but it's one of those cases where we may never know the entire truth. There are people with an agenda against him, because of personal reasons or just because they don't agree with his lifestyle. In this case... I tend to believe the women. There's a lot written out there, including dozens of news articles and specialist pieces - including several blog entries by Dan Savage (http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2014/10/27/prominent-cbc-radio-host-claims-he-was-fired-for-consensual-bdsm-sex) - but my favourites are these two pieces. The first is "Poor Persecuted Pervert?" by sex columnist Andrea Zanin:
https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/poor-persecuted-pervert/
and the second is one I actually found through Zanin's Twitter feed, a Facebook entry by someone who knew Ghomeshi personally:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1491910081073780&id=1387461484851974
This one, I'll actually quote here, as it summarizes a lot of my thoughts as to why he probably should be convicted:
I'll be honest; this situation is my own personal nightmare. I know the only thing that stands between me, or many other sadists, and the actuality of the accusations against Jian is a conscience. An unwillingness to do something non-consensually that, with consent, is a turn-on. A forced perspective on the potential consequences, the side effects, the things that can - and do - go wrong for people with my interests every day. The risks - physical, mental, societal, familial, and legal. The knowledge that there are people out there who would happily take the things I'm interested in and condemn me for them, even if they believed that I never have and never will carry them out with someone who hasn't agreed to them... And use them to end my life as I know it. It doesn't matter if there's a conviction; this is the type of thing that loses people jobs, friends and family. My ex-wife, even though she willingly participated in BDSM at times, has explicitly threatened me with taking these accusations to court to convince a judge to take my son away.
It's... Terrifying. It's unfair, grossly unfair... And it's a terrible way to live. But the worst part is, it isn't completely unjustified. The worst part is knowing there are people who do the things that they say "Us Perverts" do. There are people who commit assault and rape and murder and try to hide behind their kinks. People who show through their actions that the best way for the world to handle us is to treat us as the monsters the conservatives try to claim we are. The best way to fight them is to live your life right; to throw their accusations back in their teeth by being the honest, worthy people we're capable of being.
Living well is the best revenge... But some days, living honestly is the only poor weapon we have in what can seem like a sea of anger and hate.
Now don't get me wrong; I don't say that as a pejorative. One of my dearest friends from the late 90s has been proudly calling me - and herself - a pervert for as long as I've known her. Some people, myself included, see being a pervert as something more like a badge of honour. I don't hold his being a pervert - my term, not his - against him. Being involved in BDSM, sadomasochistic sex, is not only fine - it's what I do. What I do hold against him is the allegations that his sadism crossed the line into abuse and assault.
On October 26th the CBC announced that he was being fired, and the reason was the three women who came forwards and claimed he had assaulted them. Not "he's a filthy pervert"; not "oh my god, why do they let monsters with his kinks out on the street"; but "this man assaulted us in a non-consensual manner". Jian immediately came back and announced a law suit against his former employer, claiming wrongful firing and that the allegations are totally groundless. The discussion has been loud on both sides - one side championing the groundless persecution of an innocent man, however kinky or "perverted", and the either espousing the egregious abuse of innocent women by a vicious monster.
I don't know the entire situation, which isn't surprising. I've read a lot about it, but it's one of those cases where we may never know the entire truth. There are people with an agenda against him, because of personal reasons or just because they don't agree with his lifestyle. In this case... I tend to believe the women. There's a lot written out there, including dozens of news articles and specialist pieces - including several blog entries by Dan Savage (http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2014/10/27/prominent-cbc-radio-host-claims-he-was-fired-for-consensual-bdsm-sex) - but my favourites are these two pieces. The first is "Poor Persecuted Pervert?" by sex columnist Andrea Zanin:
https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/poor-persecuted-pervert/
and the second is one I actually found through Zanin's Twitter feed, a Facebook entry by someone who knew Ghomeshi personally:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1491910081073780&id=1387461484851974
This one, I'll actually quote here, as it summarizes a lot of my thoughts as to why he probably should be convicted:
I was challenged by a friend to say something about the recent allegations against Jian Ghomeshi.
Jian is my friend. I have appeared twice on Q. But there is no grey area here. Three women have been beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.
I have sat with Jian over drinks and discussed our respective anxiety disorders. We have been photographed hugging on camera.
Just ten days ago, I helped him find musicians for his father’s funeral. Three women have said that Jian beat them without their consent.
“We will never really know what happened.” Yes we do. Jian beat, at the very least, three women. Three women said so. “They were jilted exes.” Maybe so. They were beaten by Jian.
“They were freelance writers looking to get ahead.” Three women were beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.
At no point here will I ever give my friend Jian’s version of the truth more creedence than the version of the truth offered up by three women. Anonymity does not mean these women do not exist.
“They were engaged in BDSM role-play.” This: this is something I need to talk about.
The beauty of BDSM relationships is that the power is always in the hands of the sub. BDSM and choke play is a subversion of male violence.
To hear that anybody has been abusing the BDSM power relationship for the purpose of engaging in non-consensual violence-against-women is horrifying.
That is not the point of BDSM. BDSM is in fact about the exact opposite thing. It is about repurposing acts of violence into creating a power dynamic of fucking EQUALITY.
As for the rest. I have seen my Facebook feed littered with comments about how “for years we’ve known Jian to be a shady character.”
I too have heard endless rumours that he’s been a bad date, and have heard stories of shadiness and strange behaviour.
I have heard about his ridiculous pick-up lines and have (to my shame) tittered about them with my friends. But I have never heard, until today, that Jian Ghomeshi beats women.
I am skeptical of arts reporting. I am skeptical of Canadian journalism. I am sensitive toward shaming of people who are so-called sexual deviants.
But let’s be clear. Whether the court decides that predatory men are punished or exonerated does not silence the voices of the victims. It does not make victims liars.
Whether our culture continues to celebrate the works of predatory men is another issue. It does not silence the voices of the victims.
Jian Ghomeshi is my friend, and Jian Ghomeshi beats women. How our friendship will continue remains to be seen.
I'll be honest; this situation is my own personal nightmare. I know the only thing that stands between me, or many other sadists, and the actuality of the accusations against Jian is a conscience. An unwillingness to do something non-consensually that, with consent, is a turn-on. A forced perspective on the potential consequences, the side effects, the things that can - and do - go wrong for people with my interests every day. The risks - physical, mental, societal, familial, and legal. The knowledge that there are people out there who would happily take the things I'm interested in and condemn me for them, even if they believed that I never have and never will carry them out with someone who hasn't agreed to them... And use them to end my life as I know it. It doesn't matter if there's a conviction; this is the type of thing that loses people jobs, friends and family. My ex-wife, even though she willingly participated in BDSM at times, has explicitly threatened me with taking these accusations to court to convince a judge to take my son away.
It's... Terrifying. It's unfair, grossly unfair... And it's a terrible way to live. But the worst part is, it isn't completely unjustified. The worst part is knowing there are people who do the things that they say "Us Perverts" do. There are people who commit assault and rape and murder and try to hide behind their kinks. People who show through their actions that the best way for the world to handle us is to treat us as the monsters the conservatives try to claim we are. The best way to fight them is to live your life right; to throw their accusations back in their teeth by being the honest, worthy people we're capable of being.
Living well is the best revenge... But some days, living honestly is the only poor weapon we have in what can seem like a sea of anger and hate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)