A brief interlude...

Ash and I are away visiting family and dodging snow, and taking the end of this week off of writing. Hope everyone's Thanksgiving (as applicable) is going well!

I've discussed names and labels previous, including here: http://othersidesthoughts.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-kinster-by-any-other-name.html. It's one of my pet peeves, one of the things I think about most (outside of food, of course!), and I could rant on this for weeks and weeks if y'all let me. There's a comic I've linked to before as well - "Shades of A" (http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-cover/) and its immediate follow-on "Shades After" (http://www.discordcomics.com/category/comic/shades-after/) - about asexuality and the struggles asexuals and kinksters encounter. And for today, with minimal comment, I'll leave you with this one page where the last panel summarizes so perfectly how I feel about it:

http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-after-033/

Hope this Thanksgiving finds you all well, and my best wishes to you all and your families... Whether biological, chosen, or whatever else.

====

EDIT: This was posted two days early by mistake. I'm being lazy and moving it to its proper time. Sorry!!!

Maybe It's Rhetorical?

There's this movie trope, which I'm sure most people are familiar with -- the main character, in a beaten down moment, will find themselves inundated with the sound of voices repeating something over and over that perfectly describes the moment at hand. For me, when I'm having an off or bad day, the phrase that ricochets back and forth is, "So why are you even with him? Even with him? With him? Him?" (My mind has an echo, don't mind me.)

It's such a strange phrase given the circumstance of Mike and my relationship, and it's almost invariable said to me by men -- men, who, for the most part, are hoping to land a spot in my pants if things go right. Never mind the fact that I'm in a relationship with a structure that allows me to talk to other people in an otherwise questionable manner. The question haunts me though, as does the implication behind it.

How do you explain to someone *why* you're with someone when your sex drives and interests don't match? How do I say, "everything else is almost perfect for the most part" without sounding like I'm lying or over-exaggerating? How do I make someone understand that sex is important, but not necessarily in this particular relationship? It's such a strange concept to most people.

There's a part of me that is bothered simply because I don't think I would be questioned if I was a guy complaining that my partner/spouse/FWB didn't put out enough. We are raised with the idea that men "only want one thing" and women always have headaches. So not only is it strange to them that *I'm* the one complaining, but the situation itself flies in the face of our societal understanding of women's sexuality.

What's worse is the follow-up to this question, which is usually something along the lines of, "what kind of man can't satisfy you?" This presupposes two things: that Mike isn't "man enough" because he doesn't constantly think with his penis, and two, that it can't be that my sex drive *is* actually pretty far out there (I mean, what kind of pervert must I be if I can't be satisfied by a mere man?!). This line of conversation is actually a serious deal-breaker for me, for a number of reasons.

I can understand that being a secondary for a partnered person is difficult for single people. I have no problem with that. But if I'm going to step away from my primary relationship to give time to someone else, I want them to be respectful of my primary relationship (the same way I want Mike's partners to be respectful of me and I aim to be supportive and encouraging of their relationships as well). If they can't appreciate that I'm not being completely closed off from them despite being married, then I won't even give them the opportunity to be asked "why are you even with her?" from any of THEIR friends.

The second issue I have with the conversation is that I don't appreciate not being taken at my word. I understand we live in a world where a lot of people "put their best foot forward," but I'm too lazy and tired to dick people around like that. If someone presents themselves a specific way, I expect that to be authentic. When I say "I've never dated someone who could exhaust my sex drive," I'm not saying it to brag or titillate anyone. It's simply a fact (one I will explain at a later date, since it's not as straight forward a fact as it sounds, though it's still true), but I get a wink and a nod and a pat on the head -- "suuuuure, sweetie...uh-huh, I believe you..." -- and I'm not into age play, so being treated like an immature child makes me angry.

Sex and intimacy are important to me, and yes, being married to someone who doesn't have the same ideas regarding physical contact is often difficult and frustrating on both sides. But that isn't the end-all-be-all -- I'd rather have the companionship, the similar interests, compatible parenting styles, the laughs, the respect...even if, in the end, we never have standard penis-in-vagina intercourse ever again. I have my toys, I have my options...and I have a husband who makes me laugh and doesn't mind that I find other people attractive.

At the base of it, I'm not sure how anyone would question it. Why would I *not* be with him? I can have my cake and eat it too, more or less. I have a good man at home who loves me enough to say I can go get my needs met elsewhere as needed. Maybe I should just assume that people question it because they're jealous of how awesome my situation is. It's not appreciated, but I can't really blame them.

'Haters gonna hate,' I guess?

Tomorrow is a New Day

So a while back, I found two articles by a woman called Helen Croydon:

http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2014/04/screw-fairy-tale-it-s-time-rethink-monogamy

and

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118931/monogamy-rare-new-commitment-currency

Anyone who's read any of my blog knows my opinions on open/poly vs. monogamous won't be surprised by the fact that I agree wit most of what they say; still, it's worth looking at it from another perspective. Those numbers in the 2nd paragraph of the 2nd story really scary me... But they don't surprise me. I've encountered that type of thing before; hell, I've been in relationships like that before.

Out of her online survey, 7 people out of 100 said that just thinking about another person was cheating - was unacceptable. This happened to me in my first marriage; my ex-wife was so upset by the thought I might find another woman attractive, without ever saying anything, without ever acting on it... Just the idea that I might find another woman attractive was cheating to her... Which is patently absurd. Not all human thought is conscious. Most human emotion isn't conscious. No human can meet that standard. It may not happen immediately, it may not happen every day, but eventually you'll see someone on TV or walk past someone on the street who happens to push your button; and you'll find tem attractive. It's not like that's a problem; it's not that it's unreasonable. It's that some people are so insecure and jealous that they can't handle human nature.

Relationships are just so... Fragile, these days. Maria made a comment earlier today about "never having had a successful relationship", which I objected to; most people have very poor ideas of how relationships are supposed to work. A relationship not lasting forever is seen as a failure by almost everyone I know; but that's just as absurd as saying that you'll never be attracted to anyone except the person you're with. Relationships start, and relationships end. They change, they evolve, they aren't always recognizable as what they originally were... But most relationships end quickly. Why? Because you're not meant to be together. You get to know each other... And that process indicates you aren't meant to stay forever.

In either of these cases, why has the relationship failed? Because it didn't meet some unrealizable ideal. Our culture has idealized this holy state of "dating" or "being in a relationship", when all it really means is you both get something out of spending time with the other person. And this is where I stumble with respect to monogamy - because I get something out of every relationship I have, not just ones that end up naked and in bed.

I love my friends. In a very real sense, that's how I define friendship; my friends are the people who I care about. I get something out of my relationships with them, or I wouldn't care about them. Some of them are sexual; some of them are platonic. Some are same-sex, some are opposite-sex. Some are based in our professional lives, some are based in our gaming lives, some are based in our kink lives, some are based in our sporting/martial arts lives... They're all different; but they all bring me something else, some value, something better than my life would be without.

As Ash said... Even the labels "monogamous" and "non-monogamous/open/poly" aren't always fair. I didn't go into this relationship, this marriage, intending to be monogamous; or intending to be polyamorous; or even thinking hard about it. I went into this relationship realizing we enjoyed each other, and looking for something stable. In my own geeky pseudo-scientific thoughts, it's a higher-energy stable condition. She had a stable life without me; I had a stable life without her; those two lives went away, and now we have a stable life together. Our life together is better than our lives apart... So we're still together. Not complicated. But my dating and being attracted to other people doesn't change that stability. It doesn't change that our life is still together just because I'm involved with other people. In fact, sometimes it's even better still because we're together and I'm seeing other people.

My need for companionship and my need for a submissive are, for the most part, exclusive. I still choose to believe it's theoretically possible one person could fulfill them both; but I've not found someone who does, not properly. Ash is the best companion I've ever had; my best friend, my lover, my wife, (step-)mother to my child. But she isn't my submissive; and the fact that I don't have one makes me sad. Having a sub fills a hole somewhere in me... And that makes my life better, and - as a result - the lives of everyone I relate to better, even if only indirectly.

It's not a hard concept; it's just hard for people to accept they're not losing something when their boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or spouse also loves someone else. Hearts aren't finite; but brains are jealous. And it's that jealousy, that unwillingness to admit the very lack of loss, that leaves our society where it is today.

Maria is a friend who I lost touch with for many years, and we reconnected essentially by accident. We agreed in principle, a couple of days ago, to negotiating for her to become my slave; a process that, right now, I expect will take a while to sort out. I'm cautious and want to make sure we both understand each other, but I'm excited; this has the potential to be very good for both of us. And Ash? Ash is really excited. She isn't excited because she'll lose some of my time; and she's not yet met Maria, so she's not excited at getting a chance to have this woman around. She's excited because her husband, her love - me - has a chance to have a hole in his life filled, and she knows it's a chance for the life of everyone involved to be a bit better.

I'm very lucky to have this opportunity. Do I know how it's going to work out? No. We may just never be able to come to agreement about what limits and rules we can live with; we may never quite get to the place where we can say "Yes, Maria is my slave and we're both content." But we might; and we like that prospect... And we know that if we don't get there, it isn't a failure for us. There aren't illusions about perfection or permanence, not yet. Hopes? Sure. There always are. But for now... It's one day at a time, as we all work to be in a better place tomorrow.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

A brief introduction

I was originally going to write something different for today, but before I got too far into this blog-writing dealie, I wanted to take a moment and introduce myself, since a lot of people only know me as "Ash, illustrious other half of resident kinkster Mike Miner." While this is true, I'm arguably more than that, and I'm hoping to prove myself to be worth reading.

So! A few bullet points, in no particular order:

• While Mike is more on the lifestyle-kink train, my perviness has mostly been grounded in hypothetical sexual things. Despite these being more socially acceptable (in comparison to some kinks and interests), my partners have largely found my interests a little strange and/or unorthodox.
• I wouldn't label myself a sub or submissive, but my general attitude leans toward making sure other people are getting something out of whatever is going on before I do. 
• That selflessness has halted somewhat now that I have found myself with someone who sees me as worthwhile beyond my ability to satisfy them in bed. Mike will often reference my high sex drive while I point to my previous and long-held belief that the best way to show love and affection is through a basic willingness to do whatever is requested of me...which has not always worked to my advantage, so it's nice that Mike doesn't take me up on this terribly often.
• I'm not inherently monogamous nor non-monogamous: mostly just open-minded in how to achieve a stable relationship. I'm also not particularly jealous, which is helpful.
• I'm bisexual but hate the word; I'd say I'm 'pansexual' except, more often than not, no one knows what that means or implies.
• The older I get, the more picky I am about my partners. This, when combined with my increasing preference for being a hermit means I don't really take advantage of some of my marriage's freedoms.

My real goal in all of this is to have a space to say the things I can't in most of the circles I run in: namely the more off-beat and "perverted" things  I can't really explain or talk about to my office mates or family. My knowledge and understanding is a lot different from Mike's, but there is enough of a thematic overlap that we think I will be a worthwhile addition to the blog.

-Ash.

A Little Practice Goes a Long Way

I don't believe it's come up before, but I happen to practice two martial arts. I've been doing one about three years, one about a year; and as it stands (unless something drastic changes) I'll be testing for black belt in the one some time next year. My son - 8 this year - does the same two martial arts (for about six months and three years, but the other ways around) and will be testing for black belt in his preferred art either next year or early the year after. I love it; and it's changed my life, my health, and my outlook on a number of things. One of the ways in which it's changed my perspective - almost in a silly way - is how I look at black belts. It's very easy to fall into society's normal view of black belts as sortof the be-all and end-all of martial artists. A black belt is the mystical master of martial arts who wins every fight... But that's really not how it is at all.

My instructor has black belts in three arts; in fact, between them he has 16 total Dan. He has in fact been doing this - as a student and then an instructor - for almost 30 years now, and he'll be the first to tell you he doesn't know all there is to know. My next test in my preferred art is for recommended black belt - and I can look at what I know, what I do, and know I have years before I feel comfortable calling myself "good" at what I do.

The whole "black belt" idea isn't even all that old, and as far as I can tell originated in Japanese go schools... But Wikipedia summarizes it like this:

 The black belt is commonly the highest belt color used and denotes a degree of competence. It is often associated with a teaching grade though frequently not the highest grade or the "expert" of public perception.

All a black belt means in most arts is that you aren't a total amateur. You know enough to be considered competent, and maybe even to help pass along what you know... But invariably, you have a long way to go before you're a master or one of the really skilled few.

Maria is a friend of mine from back in high school. I don't remember exactly how we met - drama? Music? Something outside of school? I don't think we shared any classes at any point - but we had a large number of overlapping friends, so I suppose it would have been inevitable either way. After we were both out of school we lost touch for a number of years... But we recently reconnected and have spent quite a bit of time talking about our mutual kinks and interests.

To be completely fair, more of that "time talking about our mutual kinks and interests" than I'm really comfortable admitting has been me whining because I don't have a slave right now... But that's a different subject she can make fun of me for later. But the reason I'm bringing her up is because on of her closest friends - I don't think "girlfriend" is the right word, but it's not totally out of line - has expressed at least some interest in BDSM, and we exchanged thoughts (some serious, some decidely not so) on the idea of introducing her to submission and training her.

Training isn't exactly a rare topic in BDSM. There's always a steady stream of new victims (literally or figuratively); people get started every day in more different ways than you can count, and all of them have to start somewhere. That "somewhere" is some form of education - whether they're foolish and just dive in to get their first lessons on the job (so to speak), or whether they get a formal education at the hands of a "Master" (so to speak), or anything in between... The learning is there. The biggest reason, though, is because of something I've said before; everyone seems to have a subtly different opinion on how it all works. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but the side effect is that every time you encounter a new partner you're trying to mesh subtly differing systems that frequently aren't quite compatible. That means every time you meet a new partner you're learning another way to do the same thing.

It's hard to find a good word to use for someone who knows what they're doing in the world of BDSM. Borrowing the most common term from martial arts - "Master" - is a loaded suggestion, and in general is a terrible place to start! Calling them a "pro" has implications of sex work... And not that there's anything inherently wrong with it, it's not the implication we want to make. I almost prefer the word "mature" - because the most distinguishing characteristic of them isn't necessarily a broad or deep level of knowledge; it's an admission that no matter how much they've already learned the people they interact with have something to offer. Experience is worth a lot, but humility - the willingness to avoid and address assumptions - is worth so much more sometimes.

So what kind of training is Kara - Maria's friend - going to get? Who is she going to get it from? I don't know. Hell, at this point, it's not a given she's going to take the plunge and do it! I think she would if Maria asked, but this isn't the type of thing you force someone you care for to do. Do I hope that, if Kara does move to being trained as a sub, I'll be able to help? Of course! I love teaching. I loved being a teacher's assistent in grad school; I love helping instruct the juniors at my martial arts school; and I love passing along what I know and what I think about BDSM. It's the heart of why I started this blog. I've been doing BDSM, in one form or another, for essentially 20 years now... And that's a lot of time to pick things up.

I know, though, that even with that kindof time dedicated to it, I'll never stop learning in this area. A couple of days ago I learned some fascinating ties for immobilizing elbows in front of a person; a month ago I learned fascinating things about suspension from piercings; last year I learned a lot about the relative benefits of using twisted wire for bondage of ropes or chains. I have no idea what I'll learn tomorrow, or next month, or next year... But I'm certain that it'll be something. I've never stopped learning in BDSM, and - thankfully - I don't believe I ever will.

I am posting this on behalf of Ash; however, going forwards, you should look forward to continued entries under her own name.

---

In Mike's last post, he discussed a recent Savage Lovecast episode where a caller wanted some input on how to handle the fact that his ex-wife told their daughter that their marriage ended because he cheated, with the truth of the situation being more complicated than it would appear. I wanted to weigh in on this, given I have some first-hand experience on the caller's daughter's end.

It was strange to learn that Mike's first marriage was basically a similar one to my parents', with the main difference being a gender swap. I knew at a very young age that my dad liked men and that this was why my parents weren't together anymore (they divorced when I was three-ish) -- but I don't actually remember the big reveal on the "gay thing" or on the "cheated on mom" thing -- I was just aware of it, enough to ask him about it over the years. What I do remember is that what bothered me wasn't the fact that he cheated (repeatedly) but the fact that he and his now-husband had such a caustic relationship, and he wasn't that great of a father.

Maybe it's a logic thing on my part where I can understand cheating if you can't live within the confines of your relationship. I understood why my dad would want to be with men (that's what gay men do), but what I didn't understand was why he married my mom and had me in the first place, given he didn't seem to really put his back into being a dad at all. He never fought for me, instead fighting around me, which didn't make me want to be there any more often than absolutely possible. Combine that with it never occurring to him to make sure I had space of my own at any of his apartments, and I felt uncomfortable and out of place every other weekend for sixteen years.

The fact is, Mike loves his son and his son knows it. They are very similar and I don't know what would happen if his mother told him damning things, regardless of whether or not they're true. Unlike my father, he tries to connect with his son and does his best to teach him how to be a good person. If his ex-wife decides to do something like spread lies or misinformation, then I'm hoping their son can balance it out with knowing Mike is his biggest fan.

The other side of it is that Mike doesn't actively talk about his ex-wife often unless his son brings it up. He has plenty of reason to villainize her, but he doesn't. She's still his son's mother and involving their son in their own issues just ultimately makes them look bad.

My point is, I guess, that telling personal truths to children can be rough but the way you combat them is to, as Dan Savage put it, "don't be a monster." Be a good parent to your kids and hopefully they'll judge you on that instead of just adding another log to the fire of you-in-effigy they've had burning for a while.

While True, It's Not the Whole Story

Hello Dan; I am a mid-40s male in the midwest. I have just been told by my 12-year-old daughter her mom has told her that the reason that her mom and I divorced is that I cheated on her. While that is true it does not tell the whole story...

That was the first couple of sentences of a caller's message on the Savage Lovecast this week. It's from episode 420; check it out here (I recommend the podcast in general, not just the ones I comment on). It's not the first time I've heard it... And it struck very close to home. This is a person who was with his wife for a number of years; a marriage that turned into a sexless, possibly emotionally abusive relationship. There was cheating, a divorce, and then he married the person he cheated with; and his ex, the mother of his daughter, has explicitly fingered that and him to be the reason their marriage fell apart.

This struck me for two reasons - first, because of how much it reminded me of our own marriage; and second, because of how close-to-home it strikes me relative to my ex's threats around my son. And the guy's problem, while I sympathize and identify with it, isn't the most important part of the podcast, not the part most worth listening to; Dan's response is.

I don't think I've talked about it directly before, but my marriage ended in an incredibly ugly way. There were accusations of cheating, actual cheating, yelling, arguments, suicide attempts, a mental hospital, a coming out as bisexual (which to this day I still don't know whether it was honest) followed - two years later - by a coming out as lesbian, and an enormous amount of pain. I'll never know with certainty how much of our marriage was her lying to herself and how much was her lying to me; I do have a pretty good idea how much of it was her using me to get what she wanted at my expense even after she no longer loved me or wanted to be with me. And yet with all this, with all this history, she still felt virtuous in threatening to take my kinks to a judge and trying to have my son taken away - because in her mind, I was a monster, and therefore it was natural to assume everyone else would agree. And the really damning part? Most of them would.

You asked me, how do you convince her you're not a monster? You don't be a monster.

It's hard enough presenting my lifestyle to adults. It's hard enough trying to make them understand there's nothing wrong with me because of my interest in pain, or blood, or bondage, or domination and submission. It's hard enough trying to make them understand there's nothing wrong with me because of the fact I don't use monogamy as a natural rest state and am honest enough to sometimes say that out loud.

What most people seem to forget is that in these cases, most of the time, we're not the bad guys; all too often we're the victims. It's easy to condemn us because we're different; it's easy to condemn us because our minds don't run in quite the same circles as everyone else. It's worse because we're open about it sometimes, even proud of it... It's worse when we aren't ashamed, because we're accused of flaunting it or "spreading our disease".

The best defense you have against this is education. When your children are 8, or 12? No, this isn't a conversation you should be having, at least in the specific sense; they shouldn't know all about your sex life. But when they're 16, 18, 20? When your parents are the ones? Your siblings? Yes - they should know. They should know the truth about the kinks, about the interests, about the fact that there's nothing wrong with being poly or dominant or masochistic or anything else. This won't be any easier with kink than it is with homosexuality; some people are just bigoted and no amount of logic or truth will sway that. And sometimes, they should know that the ones their bigotry and ignorance are hurting are their family.

I'm terrified of talking to my parents about it, because they are bigoted and set in their ways; I'm not scared of telling my sister or my cousins any more, because they're much more supportive of the.. Different and minorities (...and, well, because we already told my one cousin we're poly anyway). And I'm scared of telling my son, but I actually don't think it'll go badly. I don't particularly care if he grows up being straight or gay or bi or pansexual; vanilla or kinky or whatever. He has a shot at being brought up without the kindof of narrow-minded bigotry that poisons too much of our culture and leads to me being labelled a monster.

The real monster in this situation is ignorance... And it's not something you'll ever escape. It's something you simply have to pick your battles and stand you ground and be proud of who you are.

A Guest Post...

So Mike mentioned this article (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/25/our-three-way-relationship-isnt-your-business-even-if-were-doing-business) the other day and brought up the dread he felt in response to it, without going into a lot of detail. The main takeaway was the fact that rolling out the inherent threeness of a potential relationship is problematic for him, especially in light of his exwife's inherent conservatism.

For me, though, the dread comes from a totally different angle.

First, like the lesbian married to a man in another article Mike posted recently, I take issue with being automatically assumed to be straight by the simple fact that I am married to a man. I am not a fan of "rounding up/down to heterosexual," leaving me to come out repeatedly to random people whenever the conversation lends itself to it -- for example, when talking about Hooters, my coworker mentioned being a little offended that the waitress had flirted with her in front of her boyfriend, leaving me to point out that not everyone in relationships is unwilling to flirt, and not all women with male partners have issues with ladies flirting with them.

In a lot of ways, I worry about how people would react if Mike and I did find a good match for both of us. For Mike, yes, it could cause issues with his exwife because she might assume our home would be an inappropriate place to raise their child. Meanwhile I know Mike's mother would more or less disown me, to say nothing of my own family, because there was never any option but for this magical third to be anything but some approximation of female given that is where our broad physical interests overlap. There is no real challenge to Mike's image being presented, whereas mine will come under scrutiny considering his first wife turned out to be a closeted lesbian.

When I came out to my immediate family in high school as a liker-of-ladies, my youngest sister was the only one who didn't care. My mother insisted it was a result of sexual abuse and because my *gay* father was also a *bad* father. My dad pretended not to hear me, and my middle sister was disgusted (and conveniently later chose to forget about it entirely). My school friends chose not to believe me, except for the ones I would occasionally make out with. It wasn't an uncommon reaction, but it more or less forced me back in the closet in their eyes: so I have basically been rounding up/down to straight because that's what happens when your family and friends refuse to take your female relationships at face-value.

So there is a serious part of me that feels queasy at the thought of re-coming out, with the lovely added bonus of explaining how Mike's and my marriage works (which could easily be the subject of many a blogpost).

It wouldn't be fair to our potential third to be kept a secret or be treated like a perpetual roommate, but I would be lying if I didn't admit the whole thing is as terrifying as it seems potentially wonderful. I can't tell if my concern would keep me from pursuing something, but it would certainly affect how I made people aware of the situation when it became serious enough to matter. I get enough grief for not being threatened by the idea of Mike having freedoms and using them (even though I have the same freedoms and generally don't take advantage of them) that I cannot imagine the response to admitting our relationship involves a third person.

Ultimately, it's all speculation until it becomes a reality. I have little faith we will find a good fit (Mike and I have very different needs/wants in our partners), but until then, maybe I should start putting money aside for a bigger bed since they are pretty expensive...but would be totally worth it when the time came.

-Ash.

Ash sent me this link a few days ago:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/25/our-three-way-relationship-isnt-your-business-even-if-were-doing-business

...I worry about this. This is something I dread. I mean, it's not like we have a third, or someone that might be moving in any time soon; but it's something we've talked about, something we're aware may happen if we find the right person. And this is something that may happen. Worse, I'm going to consciously make the choice to inflict this on us, because of my ex...

I've gone on and on about this on a couple of other posts, so I won't go on a rant on it. But this is my thought for the day.

Sometimes It's Hard to Tell

Some of you may have heard of Jian Ghomeshi; many of you probably haven't, or at least not before the last few weeks. He is a broadcast personality, and generally a celebrity in some circles. Not in the US, particularly, but that's okay; I doubt many Canadians care much about US broadcast personalities after all. He's an author, a musician, and - to listen to what's been in the news recent - a pervert.

Now don't get me wrong; I don't say that as a pejorative. One of my dearest friends from the late 90s has been proudly calling me - and herself - a pervert for as long as I've known her. Some people, myself included, see being a pervert as something more like a badge of honour. I don't hold his being a pervert - my term, not his - against him. Being involved in BDSM, sadomasochistic sex, is not only fine - it's what I do. What I do hold against him is the allegations that his sadism crossed the line into abuse and assault.

On October 26th the CBC announced that he was being fired, and the reason was the three women who came forwards and claimed he had assaulted them. Not "he's a filthy pervert"; not "oh my god, why do they let monsters with his kinks out on the street"; but "this man assaulted us in a non-consensual manner". Jian immediately came back and announced a law suit against his former employer, claiming wrongful firing and that the allegations are totally groundless. The discussion has been loud on both sides - one side championing the groundless persecution of an innocent man, however kinky or "perverted", and the either espousing the egregious abuse of innocent women by a vicious monster.

I don't know the entire situation, which isn't surprising. I've read a lot about it, but it's one of those cases where we may never know the entire truth. There are people with an agenda against him, because of personal reasons or just because they don't agree with his lifestyle. In this case... I tend to believe the women. There's a lot written out there, including dozens of news articles and specialist pieces - including several blog entries by Dan Savage (http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2014/10/27/prominent-cbc-radio-host-claims-he-was-fired-for-consensual-bdsm-sex) - but my favourites are these two pieces. The first is "Poor Persecuted Pervert?" by sex columnist Andrea Zanin:

https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/poor-persecuted-pervert/

and the second is one I actually found through Zanin's Twitter feed, a Facebook entry by someone who knew Ghomeshi personally:

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1491910081073780&id=1387461484851974

This one, I'll actually quote here, as it summarizes a lot of my thoughts as to why he probably should be convicted:

I was challenged by a friend to say something about the recent allegations against Jian Ghomeshi.

Jian is my friend. I have appeared twice on Q. But there is no grey area here. Three women have been beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.

I have sat with Jian over drinks and discussed our respective anxiety disorders. We have been photographed hugging on camera.

Just ten days ago, I helped him find musicians for his father’s funeral. Three women have said that Jian beat them without their consent.

“We will never really know what happened.” Yes we do. Jian beat, at the very least, three women. Three women said so. “They were jilted exes.” Maybe so. They were beaten by Jian.

“They were freelance writers looking to get ahead.” Three women were beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.

At no point here will I ever give my friend Jian’s version of the truth more creedence than the version of the truth offered up by three women. Anonymity does not mean these women do not exist.

“They were engaged in BDSM role-play.” This: this is something I need to talk about.

The beauty of BDSM relationships is that the power is always in the hands of the sub. BDSM and choke play is a subversion of male violence.

To hear that anybody has been abusing the BDSM power relationship for the purpose of engaging in non-consensual violence-against-women is horrifying.

That is not the point of BDSM. BDSM is in fact about the exact opposite thing. It is about repurposing acts of violence into creating a power dynamic of fucking EQUALITY.

As for the rest. I have seen my Facebook feed littered with comments about how “for years we’ve known Jian to be a shady character.”

I too have heard endless rumours that he’s been a bad date, and have heard stories of shadiness and strange behaviour.

I have heard about his ridiculous pick-up lines and have (to my shame) tittered about them with my friends. But I have never heard, until today, that Jian Ghomeshi beats women.

I am skeptical of arts reporting. I am skeptical of Canadian journalism. I am sensitive toward shaming of people who are so-called sexual deviants.

But let’s be clear. Whether the court decides that predatory men are punished or exonerated does not silence the voices of the victims. It does not make victims liars.

Whether our culture continues to celebrate the works of predatory men is another issue. It does not silence the voices of the victims.

Jian Ghomeshi is my friend, and Jian Ghomeshi beats women. How our friendship will continue remains to be seen.

I'll be honest; this situation is my own personal nightmare. I know the only thing that stands between me, or many other sadists, and the actuality of the accusations against Jian is a conscience. An unwillingness to do something non-consensually that, with consent, is a turn-on. A forced perspective on the potential consequences, the side effects, the things that can - and do - go wrong for people with my interests every day. The risks - physical, mental, societal, familial, and legal. The knowledge that there are people out there who would happily take the things I'm interested in and condemn me for them, even if they believed that I never have and never will carry them out with someone who hasn't agreed to them... And use them to end my life as I know it. It doesn't matter if there's a conviction; this is the type of thing that loses people jobs, friends and family. My ex-wife, even though she willingly participated in BDSM at times, has explicitly threatened me with taking these accusations to court to convince a judge to take my son away.

It's... Terrifying. It's unfair, grossly unfair... And it's a terrible way to live. But the worst part is, it isn't completely unjustified. The worst part is knowing there are people who do the things that they say "Us Perverts" do. There are people who commit assault and rape and murder and try to hide behind their kinks. People who show through their actions that the best way for the world to handle us is to treat us as the monsters the conservatives try to claim we are. The best way to fight them is to live your life right; to throw their accusations back in their teeth by being the honest, worthy people we're capable of being.

Living well is the best revenge... But some days, living honestly is the only poor weapon we have in what can seem like a sea of anger and hate.