A Little Practice Goes a Long Way

I don't believe it's come up before, but I happen to practice two martial arts. I've been doing one about three years, one about a year; and as it stands (unless something drastic changes) I'll be testing for black belt in the one some time next year. My son - 8 this year - does the same two martial arts (for about six months and three years, but the other ways around) and will be testing for black belt in his preferred art either next year or early the year after. I love it; and it's changed my life, my health, and my outlook on a number of things. One of the ways in which it's changed my perspective - almost in a silly way - is how I look at black belts. It's very easy to fall into society's normal view of black belts as sortof the be-all and end-all of martial artists. A black belt is the mystical master of martial arts who wins every fight... But that's really not how it is at all.

My instructor has black belts in three arts; in fact, between them he has 16 total Dan. He has in fact been doing this - as a student and then an instructor - for almost 30 years now, and he'll be the first to tell you he doesn't know all there is to know. My next test in my preferred art is for recommended black belt - and I can look at what I know, what I do, and know I have years before I feel comfortable calling myself "good" at what I do.

The whole "black belt" idea isn't even all that old, and as far as I can tell originated in Japanese go schools... But Wikipedia summarizes it like this:

 The black belt is commonly the highest belt color used and denotes a degree of competence. It is often associated with a teaching grade though frequently not the highest grade or the "expert" of public perception.

All a black belt means in most arts is that you aren't a total amateur. You know enough to be considered competent, and maybe even to help pass along what you know... But invariably, you have a long way to go before you're a master or one of the really skilled few.

Maria is a friend of mine from back in high school. I don't remember exactly how we met - drama? Music? Something outside of school? I don't think we shared any classes at any point - but we had a large number of overlapping friends, so I suppose it would have been inevitable either way. After we were both out of school we lost touch for a number of years... But we recently reconnected and have spent quite a bit of time talking about our mutual kinks and interests.

To be completely fair, more of that "time talking about our mutual kinks and interests" than I'm really comfortable admitting has been me whining because I don't have a slave right now... But that's a different subject she can make fun of me for later. But the reason I'm bringing her up is because on of her closest friends - I don't think "girlfriend" is the right word, but it's not totally out of line - has expressed at least some interest in BDSM, and we exchanged thoughts (some serious, some decidely not so) on the idea of introducing her to submission and training her.

Training isn't exactly a rare topic in BDSM. There's always a steady stream of new victims (literally or figuratively); people get started every day in more different ways than you can count, and all of them have to start somewhere. That "somewhere" is some form of education - whether they're foolish and just dive in to get their first lessons on the job (so to speak), or whether they get a formal education at the hands of a "Master" (so to speak), or anything in between... The learning is there. The biggest reason, though, is because of something I've said before; everyone seems to have a subtly different opinion on how it all works. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but the side effect is that every time you encounter a new partner you're trying to mesh subtly differing systems that frequently aren't quite compatible. That means every time you meet a new partner you're learning another way to do the same thing.

It's hard to find a good word to use for someone who knows what they're doing in the world of BDSM. Borrowing the most common term from martial arts - "Master" - is a loaded suggestion, and in general is a terrible place to start! Calling them a "pro" has implications of sex work... And not that there's anything inherently wrong with it, it's not the implication we want to make. I almost prefer the word "mature" - because the most distinguishing characteristic of them isn't necessarily a broad or deep level of knowledge; it's an admission that no matter how much they've already learned the people they interact with have something to offer. Experience is worth a lot, but humility - the willingness to avoid and address assumptions - is worth so much more sometimes.

So what kind of training is Kara - Maria's friend - going to get? Who is she going to get it from? I don't know. Hell, at this point, it's not a given she's going to take the plunge and do it! I think she would if Maria asked, but this isn't the type of thing you force someone you care for to do. Do I hope that, if Kara does move to being trained as a sub, I'll be able to help? Of course! I love teaching. I loved being a teacher's assistent in grad school; I love helping instruct the juniors at my martial arts school; and I love passing along what I know and what I think about BDSM. It's the heart of why I started this blog. I've been doing BDSM, in one form or another, for essentially 20 years now... And that's a lot of time to pick things up.

I know, though, that even with that kindof time dedicated to it, I'll never stop learning in this area. A couple of days ago I learned some fascinating ties for immobilizing elbows in front of a person; a month ago I learned fascinating things about suspension from piercings; last year I learned a lot about the relative benefits of using twisted wire for bondage of ropes or chains. I have no idea what I'll learn tomorrow, or next month, or next year... But I'm certain that it'll be something. I've never stopped learning in BDSM, and - thankfully - I don't believe I ever will.