Asexuality - Another Outsider's Perspective

Here's a post on FetLife from a guy whose girlfriend identifies as asexual.

https://fetlife.com/groups/7247/group_posts/6316062

I won't bother copying it, because the meat of it is the long string of comments afterwards, not the initial post; but it's definitely worth reading through. I respect him for posting this; he simply didn't understand what she meant or what she was going through, and reached out to figure it out. You can ding this guy for not talking to her and for going to FetLife for answers, which one can argue is a terrible plan... But based on his comments they've definitely talked about it, and that's better than a lot of people do.

The entire asexuality spectrum can be devastatingly confusing, both for the people on it and the people around them. It's a difficult hurdle to cross, because it can be very hard for people to create a romantic relationship when the sexual relationship is so... Estranged.

There have been windows where I feel like I need a sign saying "Special Care Instructions Not Included" anytime I go on a date.

I think, though, that my favourite part of this post is one of the comments a ways down:

I find it to be like an automtic[sic] door opening to a store. Most people walk by it and the doors magically open, and they are drawn inside. I, however, have to make that choice to push the door open. Or someone holds it open for me. Once I'm in there, there will be things I like and don't like, but I'll never have that experience of just strolling along the sidewalk and BAM , wow! that door opened for me and I want in to buy stuff NOW!

There is a lot of variation within the asexual community. I think you re right that too much questioning of her without researching first might seem like you were challenging her. But, here more than other areas, I think there is much variation.

From personal experience, I would recommend that you keep in mind that certain things might work well for her, even though it is in a context you might not expect. For example, she might like sex without orgasms, or giving without receiving...which might seem pointless to some, but is very meaningful emotionally to others. She might also just like sex with you now that she has bonded with you. That's "demisexual", and it will usually seem just like typical sexuality, it just takes longer to develop. Any number of the things you mentioned could be true. Or all of them. Or none of them. Sorry to be so confusing...but the thing to remember is if she is having a good time, it's fine.

This person gets it, and what they say is critically important. It's way too easy for our loved ones - even those who mostly get it - to be bothered or upset by or misunderstand or view towards sex. Some asexuals are squicked out by sex... And for some, it's not that we dislike it; it's that it simply doesn't have the meaning to us that other things might. Either way, we understand how you feel - intellectually if not emotionally. We get that you enjoy this. We still love you and we want you to be happy. We just... Express it in different ways.