I am posting this on behalf of Ash; however, going forwards, you should look forward to continued entries under her own name.

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In Mike's last post, he discussed a recent Savage Lovecast episode where a caller wanted some input on how to handle the fact that his ex-wife told their daughter that their marriage ended because he cheated, with the truth of the situation being more complicated than it would appear. I wanted to weigh in on this, given I have some first-hand experience on the caller's daughter's end.

It was strange to learn that Mike's first marriage was basically a similar one to my parents', with the main difference being a gender swap. I knew at a very young age that my dad liked men and that this was why my parents weren't together anymore (they divorced when I was three-ish) -- but I don't actually remember the big reveal on the "gay thing" or on the "cheated on mom" thing -- I was just aware of it, enough to ask him about it over the years. What I do remember is that what bothered me wasn't the fact that he cheated (repeatedly) but the fact that he and his now-husband had such a caustic relationship, and he wasn't that great of a father.

Maybe it's a logic thing on my part where I can understand cheating if you can't live within the confines of your relationship. I understood why my dad would want to be with men (that's what gay men do), but what I didn't understand was why he married my mom and had me in the first place, given he didn't seem to really put his back into being a dad at all. He never fought for me, instead fighting around me, which didn't make me want to be there any more often than absolutely possible. Combine that with it never occurring to him to make sure I had space of my own at any of his apartments, and I felt uncomfortable and out of place every other weekend for sixteen years.

The fact is, Mike loves his son and his son knows it. They are very similar and I don't know what would happen if his mother told him damning things, regardless of whether or not they're true. Unlike my father, he tries to connect with his son and does his best to teach him how to be a good person. If his ex-wife decides to do something like spread lies or misinformation, then I'm hoping their son can balance it out with knowing Mike is his biggest fan.

The other side of it is that Mike doesn't actively talk about his ex-wife often unless his son brings it up. He has plenty of reason to villainize her, but he doesn't. She's still his son's mother and involving their son in their own issues just ultimately makes them look bad.

My point is, I guess, that telling personal truths to children can be rough but the way you combat them is to, as Dan Savage put it, "don't be a monster." Be a good parent to your kids and hopefully they'll judge you on that instead of just adding another log to the fire of you-in-effigy they've had burning for a while.