A Lesbian by Any Other Name...

So this is a very long article, and I suspect it'd be copyright infringement to copy it here, so I won't - I'll just link to it. However, I encourage you to go read this:

http://www.salon.com/2014/07/29/im_a_lesbian_marrying_a_man/

It's an article by a self-identified lesbian who fell in love with, married, and - apparently - is having kids with a man. What I consider the most important aspects can be summed up with this paragraph here:

I know plenty of people who identify as bisexual; I am not. The term simply doesn’t apply. I am not, as a rule, attracted to men. I simply fell in love with this person and didn’t hold his gender against him. That won’t change because of our vows, any more than my eye color will. My fundamental coordinates are unaltered.

When I first read it, it actually reminded me a lot of Ash. She's a high-sex-drive low-romantic-drive borderline vanilla girl (I suspect she'll disagree with that in part, but I'll leave an in-depth analysis of Ash, her self-perception, and my perception of her for another day), and I'm a high-romantic-drive low-sex-drive anything-but-vanilla demisexual guy. Most people who I've tried to explain our relationship with gave me some version of "...And why exactly are the two of you together?" It's not even that I can't understand where they're coming from; it's that they're basing their reaction on a totally different standard than our relationship is based on. Ash knows it's okay if she wants to get sex somewhere else, and is mostly okay with the conversations she has with some of her old... Acquaintances and the sex we do have. For my part, she encourages me to find an outlet for my dominant and sadistic sides, and tries not to push me if she thinks she's going too far over my own sex drive. It's not perfect - I've never seen a relationship that was - but it's open, honest, and in every other way we mesh far better than most people seem to realize.

There's a quote I found recently on a Tumblr feed I follow:

Being able to find someone you click with so naturally is the best feeling ever. You feel like you’ve been best friends you’re[sic] whole life, it feels like you’re coming home. You’re so comfortable with them. Maybe that’s what a soulmate is. Not someone who shares every single thing in common with you, but someone who feels like home.

The important take-away, to me, is simply this: she identifies as a lesbian, because as a rule she's attracted to women. That's not something someone else can argue, because it's her own identity. The fact that, arguably, her relationship conflicts with that self-identity isn't self-deception or malicious manipulation of the people around her; it's narrow-mindedness on the friends, family, and internet trolls who are giving her grief. If her husband is her home, the place where she's comfortable, it doesn't change whether or not she sees herself as a lesbian... Only whether she's married to a woman.

People seem to get so worked up at someone else who doesn't quite meet their own definition of some term when they claim it. I've seen discussions online where someone says "I'm asexual but occasionally enjoy sex with my partner" or "I enjoy sex, I just have no sex drive" and promptly gets jumped on by the AVEN definition nazis. I mean, in all fairness, those occasions are few and far between (the asexual/demisexual community is one of the more inclusive and accepting ones I've ever encountered), but it's much more common in the gay and bisexual communities.

Not everyone agrees with your definition on everything; get over it. My definition of "dominant" disagrees with 95% of all other self-identified dominants; my definition of submissive, since I don't actually identify that way and such am less invested in it, is far broader. My definition of "sadist" is not the same as that of every other self-identified sadist I've talked to. My definition of "asexual" is not the same as every other self-identified demisexual I've talked to... And that's okay, really.

I have to admit, I find the comments on this article more than a little depressing. People flipped out on EJ - the author - and ranted on and on about how she's giving lesbians a bad name, and fooling herself; that she's bi in denial, was never a lesbian, and this is the reason why people say lesbians don't actually exist. EJ's attitude isn't single-handedly defeating all lesbian process; those who disagree with or try to fight "lesbian culture" would do so with some other thin excuse if this one weren't available. All they're doing is excluding her in their own heads, from their narrow little worlds.

Ash, when she read it, came away with a totally different reaction, and I'll leave you with this comment that summarizes her view nicely:

Max the CommunistAug 16, 2014
@Lauremcln @Max the Communist "She can't make herself leave little Italy."  Frankly, my concern is more than some fuss over her personal identity and whether it fits the purity codes of the lesbian and gay male communities.  What if the real problem is that she can't make little Italy NOT leave her? 

In other words, even if it may seem to her lesbian and gay friends that she can pass as straight now and that her life is on easy street from here on out, what if EJ is suffering from loss of community that is dear to her and recognition that the gender of her partner has changed but her values as a lesbian, not to mention her sexual attraction to women, have not changed?  She still wants to belong, she still wants to participate, she still wants to be regarded as a person still engaged in LGBTQ struggle and culture--not as a traitor or a sell-out, accusations that some gays and lesbians hurl quite frequently at bisexuals.  Accusations and attitudes that EJ herself may have held (and may still hold?) against bisexuals.

She doesn't want the "bisexual demotion" because a terrible cost comes with the bisexual demotion--the loss of regard and respect and the feeling of a community having your back and understanding your sexuality and/or gender, even if the homo/bi/tranphobic mainstream does not. 

The cost that accompanies biphobia from the gay and lesbian community is real.  National studies of bisexual health disparities show rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidality (contemplating suicide) are higher for bisexuals than they are for their straight, gay and lesbian counterparts.  Not only that, but smaller studies than national samples have shown that even those people within the LGBTQ community who think of themselves as "mostly gay" or "mostly lesbian" have rates of depression, anxiety, etc., greater than those identifying as lesbian/gay and on par with the depression, etc., levels of bisexuals. 

You've probably taken a gander at the dearth of negative comments from some lesbians on this thread.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.  And it's negativity and rejection that has to be taken seriously for its destructive impact on the mental health of the groups it targets.

Cisgender non-monosexual people in opposite sex relationships may not have the easy ride that lesbian/gay culture thinks we do.  We may be in heterosexual culture, but not of it, and therefore feel more isolated and disempowered than ever before within a mainstream culture that has greater power to erase us than the lesbian and gay counterculture does.  Furthermore, I have come across various bisexuals who have met with discrimination, such as being fired when coming out/being outed at work, even when they were in long-term relationships/married with the opposite sex.  So the days of EJ never running into anti-queer discrimination are not over, especially if she outs herself continually--as she does in this article--even though she is currently married to a man.  

Where to start...

I have, sadly, been unable to talk much with the lovely and talented Persephone Bell recently. Our schedules don't match wonderfully at the best of times, and things have been worse on both sides of late (broken laptop on her side, family stuff on my side, and work on both sides... The usual). Still, she sent me a drive-by message the other day:

Hey there. Just passing through - but I had a blog topic request for you!

I noticed you commenting on a thread about self-teaching as a dominant. Self-teaching is all great in theory, but the hard part if you're a beginner is trying to identify quality references. I don't actually know why I never asked. Could you put together a list of favourite sites, articles, video tutorials, and so on? I don't know if you have any, since you probably learned most of this stuff eons ago.

But that would be an awesome blog post.

So the short answer is... No; no I don't. Sorry!

...And here's where I'm incredibly tempted to sign off and wipe the dust from my hands, satisfied I had done my job... But that'd be more than a little unfair - especially when there's so much left to say on the subject. I mean, I could give you a recomendation for one book - Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon (http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008) - which has been recommended to me repeatedly by a number of sources. I could point you to some fiction that's worth reading - the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by "Roquelaure"/Rice (http://www.amazon.com/Sleeping-Beauty-trilogy-writing-Roquelaure/dp/B000V7SLSA/) or even some stuff by Laurell K. Hamilton. I could list off another 15 or 20 books that I've heard of or one person may have recommended... But I really don't have a library of my own to work from.

Funnily enough, the problem isn't that I learned everything so long ago; I'm still learning. It's a terrible cliché, but I learn something in every relationship, even if it's something small. I feel like if you aren't learning something you're just not paying attention. One of the biggest requirements of any dominant is the ability to observe, to understand - to understand yourself, to understand your partners, to understand the situation you find yourself in. Consider this your first lesson as a prospect Dom(me): if you can't understand your partner, if you're lacking in empathy, if you can't read them well... In the long term, you may not be a bad Dom(me), but you'll be a risky one.

The crux of the problem here is two things: 1) I was self-taught, and 2) the topic is just so damned broad. The two aren't wholly unrelated, though. I've harped repeatedly on the idea that you need to find out what you want more than you need to have someone answer all your questions for you. No two Dom(me)s or subs are the same. This is the biggest obstacle you're going to encounter when trying to learn how to be a Dom(me). You can go and read a book that your friend - a successful and happy Dom(me) - swears taught them everything... And when you've read it, realize that everything in it is wrong for you. BDSM is broad; being a Dom(me) is broad; being a sub is broad. So what type of Dom(me) do you want to be? What type of submissive are you looking for? Are you looking for a baby girl/boy? Someone who'll submit only in the bedroom? High Protocol? Gorean? Are you looking for a pet - someone who will be a dog or cat or totally fantastic beast? Are you looking for something High Protocol? Gorean? What are your other parallel kinks - bondage? Sadism? Masochism? (and yes, I say with a straight face you can be a masochistic Dom(me)...) Blood play? Mummification? How will they interact with your dominant tendencies?

You're right, though, that self-teaching is difficult... Especially without context. And here's the problem - there are resources for every option above, and the various options I haven't mentioned yet. So the best advice from that point of view is to find a range of advice - multiple different books, multiple different people - and approach each of them with an open mind. I could go to the library and the bookstore and the internet and come up with a hundred books on one of these subjects... Or a hundred on each of these subjects... And every last one could be wrong. The biggest thing you would get out of that experience, however, is a much better idea of where your interests lie and what to concentrate on.

Depending on where you are, one of the best resources you may have available to you will end up being your local scene. Or maybe I should say Scene(tm) - the other dominants and submissives and related kinksters around you. Depending on how extensive your local kink culture is, there may actually be programs and groups around dedicated to helping you through exactly this type of situation - people who'll mentor you through the worst of it. There maybe be clubs you can go to and watch scenes... And there may be friends you can make. Getting that kind of exposure to the real life is a good step once you know approximately what it is you're looking for in the situation.

The next major step is to find a partner you can practice on. This may be in conjunction with another person, a mentor; if that's possible, that's the best of all worlds. If it's solo (that is, you and your partner) and without supervision... Be careful. There are too many ways to hurt someone - and I don't even mean primarily physically; there are too many ways to damage someone psychologically for any of this to be safe.

The last piece of advice I'll throw out here, and probably the most controversial... I am strongly of the opinion that no dominant should actually take on a submissive until they've been one themselves. This is an... Unpopular opinion, and one that is extremely difficult for some people. However, one thing I've observed repeatedly over the years is that too many dominants simply do not understand the position their submissives are in. A good dominant protects and takes care of their partners; a bad one uses and damages them... And usually can't tell the difference.

My own way of learning how to be a Dom wasn't really the best one available; it was a long, hard journey with a lot of mis-steps mistakes. Don't move too fast; think through all your options before you pick the wrong one; find friends and acquaintances to talk to; think through the consequences; and make sure you leave the person better than you found them. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, but take the steps to make sure they don't do too much damage when you do. In the long run, you'll figure it out and be fine.

Asexuality and BDSM

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Bonus Links - Asexuality Survey!

AVEN is running their 2014 asexuality survey. You don't have to be asexual to do it; but it's useful for them to get the answers. If you have a few minutes, go check it out.

Another Person's Thoughts on Asexuality

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The Space in the Middle

I used to be incredibly homphobic, which occasionally - when it comes to mind - I'm still ashamed of. My parents are unfortunately rather more homophobic than I (even then, let alone now) and it's very easy to sortof default to their beliefs when you never stop and think about it; and the first time I was ever actually confronted with it and forced to consider it was graduate school, after I'd moved out. Even after that, for my marriage and divorce, I had an odd and kindof silly dichotomy internalized; the idea of a bisexual (primarily female, of course, since I'm not attracted to men) was totally okay with me, but the idea of a homosexual (male or female) bothered me. This stupidity on my part proceeded to not be helped by my now-ex-wife; I spent longer than I probably should have associating my pain caused by (and hatred towards) her with the fact that she was gay, not the fact that she was just a selfish bitch.

Since then I like to think I've come a long way. I spent a lot of time reading on sexuality in its various forms, and as I moved away from my ex and my parents my circle of friends has drifted far more to the less vanilla (e.g. more accepting) side. It's easy to keep up that kindof prejudice in isolation; it's much harder to do so when actually exposed to the people you're demonizing, and you realize that they're just as loving and human and normal (or not!) as everyone else.

The realization I've made more recently - in just the last couple of years - is that my misunderstanding was much more basic; relationship and sexual preference is not a dichotomy, no matter how much people want to make it look that way sometimes; it's a spectrum. Or really, it's multiple spectra, all crammed together in a confusing mass that makes me occasionally amazed it works at all. At the very least, though, there are four separate but related spectra: sexual preference, relationship preference, sexual drive and relationship drive.

Sexual preference is the one that most people are familiar with. I'm a fan of the Kinsey scale myself (I'm somewhere around a 0 or 1), as it pretty well captures my views on it. I know some people object to it based on the bisexual/pansexual differentiation, but I don't think it necessarily excludes it; the argument for bi vs. pan seems to be more based on gender duality vs. gender spectrum, and - for the moment at least - I'd prefer to acknowledge it's not a closed discussion and move away from it.

Relationship preference spectrum is something I never seriously considered until relatively recently, but now that I have I'm a big fan of the concept. You can arguably also say there's a third one here - "friendship preference spectrum" separate from "relationship/romance preference spectrum" - but I don't personally differentiate strongly enough to call them different things. Of course that could be an artifact of my own nature; I don't particularly differentiate between friends and girlfriends, either, for the most part... So I'm sure someone'll read this and call me out on it. Either way, your relationship preference is just as real as your sexual preference. Some folks interact most well with the same sex (homoromantic) and some with the opposite sex (heteroromantic), while some really work fine with both (bi/panromantic).

The other two I mentioned, of course, are drives - sex drive and romantic drive, or the sexual/asexual and romantic/aromantic spectra. For one reason or another (and I've gone into this in a previous post) some people
simply don't have the same drive for it. Obviously, if you're low on the spectrum you're going to fall into the asexual/demisexual/greysexual area; but it's sometimes not that simple. The nature of the interactions between your positions on the various spectra can put you in an unenviable - and confusing - spot.

What I mean here is that those spectra, unfortunately, aren't necessarily tied to each other and that can lead to a number of conflicts. A simple example - someone with a very high sex drive but a very low romantic drive. This is the person your mother warns you about - someone who isn't interested in a relationship, isn't interested in friendship, but has a strong need to fulfill their sexual drive. And the thing is, this is actually a large group of people; it covers people who are just totally uninterested in friendship or romance, but also could cover people with severe anxiety, medical problems or other conditions that make friendships and relationships problematic or undesired by the person in question.

I think, though, that a far worse situation is something where their sex drive is high and romance drive is high, but their relationship spectra are in sharp opposition - homosexual and heteroromantic or heterosexual and homoromantic. Friends are a part of most peoples' lives... But someone who is romantically attracted to men while sexually attracted to women really has the worst part of both worlds. It can be exceptionally difficult to built a sexual relationship around one sex when you have trouble relating romantically to them - and in the two cases I know of who I'd classify in this situation, they ended up dealing with it by essentially trying to become asexual. No matter how high their sex drive was, their sexual interests conflicted so much with the rest of their relationships that they only way they were able to really handle it was by suppressing it.

And me? On the sexual spectrum, I'm essentially all the way over on the "hetero" side. For sex drive? Pretty low - down near the bottom. For romantic drive? Very high - that's what I do. And for romantic spectrum? I'm still trying to figure it out, but somewhere in the middle.

Coming Out as Asexual

I asked a few people what they thought I should write about, and got a handful of useful suggestions - I think my favourite was "Parking Lot BDSM 101". Ash suggested the idea of coming out as asexual to your significant others, which - honestly - I dismissed because it sounded too... Stressful to try and write about for today. Totally unrelatedly, I was watching videos put up by a girl from Paris I've recently started following on Tumblr & Blogger who goes by Antastesia (it's not clear to me if it's her real name or a screen name, but for my purposes it doesn't matter). I started going back through her videos on YouTube, and that led me down the rabbit-hole of following "related videos" links...

Coming out as asexual can all too easily end up generating a lot of stress for you, as well. There are so many responses that can be insulting and frustrating... "Is it because you were raped/sexually abused?" or "You didn't like it? Oh, everyone feels that way the first time..." or "Oh, that'll pass" or "Once you've met the right person you'll forget that silly idea." Asexuality still has so little exposure and support that most people just interpret it as a phase or reaction to something else... Not as a state of being or sexual orientation by itself.

The lack of support can really make the entire possibility of coming out as asexual terrifying, and the funny thing is it's almost the opposite of the problems you hit with being LGBT. If you come out as LGBT, people typically believe you're being straightforward and just disagree with your nature (or "choice"), with all the stress and problems and arguments that entails; if you come out as asexual they're far more likely to simply think you're *wrong*. Most people, even the ones who object to it, don't think of being gay as a problem to be fixed, like a medical or psychological condition - they see it as a choice or a mental state. Asexuality is more often seen as a condition - and while they may sympathize, they don't support it.

Depending on the context, though, it can be more than that - and it can be a nasty shock to someone. The worst example here is, of course, a boyfriend or girlfriend; a significant other who thinks they're in a sexual relationship (at some point, at least) may be anywhere between upset, offended, or angry that you're "doing this to them"... And it's not entirely unjustified. If it's sprung on a boyfriend or girlfriend, it's entirely possible you'll be dumped. Even family members can react very badly; after all, declaring yourself as asexual is tantamount to announcing you'll never have children or continue the family.

Asexuals have relationships - after all, asexual is not the same as aromantic. The relationships are just different enough that the average person probably won't be comfortable in them.

So is it worth actually going through the process of coming out to someone? In a lot of cases, no. Who are you thinking about coming out to? Is it someone who's affected by it? Is it someone who you'd normally discuss your sex life with? It simple isn't most peoples' business; and while it will greatly affect your relationships, like anything else in the realm - kinks, medical conditions, or anything else that may change your sex life - it's not necessarily first date material, may not be appropriate for work, and - for the most part - certainly isn't something you announce to random folks on the street. Consider carefully before taking the risk of stepping out and talking about it.

I leave you with the following links to my favourite of the YouTube videos I browsed through. Hopefully some of them will be valuable to you as well as to me!

Fear of Sex:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eLvhS7Q-dg&index=14&list=UUDPxVSjvT-KyQhAetmYTWcg

Asexuality FAQ:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrwjMjoJU30&index=26&list=UUDPxVSjvT-KyQhAetmYTWcg

My Sexuality/Asexuality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3VCjgVm7_8&index=61&list=UUDPxVSjvT-KyQhAetmYTWcg

Coming Out as an Asexual
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QNz1J3PJ6k

Interesting "Coming Out as Asexual" stories
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dqSedHtn1A

Bonus Links!

A bunch of these this past week... But here's a link to a really good article over at Salon - and interview with Julie Sondra Decker, author and asexual.

Also? "You're about as sexually attractive to me as a turtle" is an awesome quote.

http://www.salon.com/2014/09/16/youre_about_as_sexually_attractive_to_me_as_a_turtle_coming_out_as_asexual_in_a_hypersexual_culture/

Bonus Links!

Not 100% sure I agree with all of these, but still interesting and pretty good. Definitely a point of reference if nothing else.

http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/98780840666/penicillium-pusher-simple-definition-posters

Look over there! A distraction!

One of these days, I'll get a few entries ahead, and - when I'm busy - it won't mean that I flake out for an entry. However, I've spent every day since last Friday at events, with family, dealing with minor family emergencies, working, or preparing for an event this weekend... And it's finally caught up to the point where I have to choose sleep over finishing an entry for today. We will continue our regularly-scheduled episodes on Tuesday.

Thanks! Love you all!

Bonus Links!

Offered without comment.

http://antastesia.tumblr.com/post/99206375590/spacesforaces-raising-awareness-about

Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM, and Abuse

I found this at http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/image/94277426686; it appears to actually be a copy of a reddit post at http://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/2byz2l/many_women_do_not_agree_with_me_on_this_subject.

With Fifty Shades of Grey being made into a movie, I've tried to raise awareness how this book is not about BDSM, but rather domestic and sexual abuse. Many women argue that the relationship in the book is BDSM, but that paints BDSM in a bad light.

BDSM is a community that believes in safety & comfort. Consent is always necessary, and partners take care of each other. After acts and roleplays, partners comfort each other to help transition out of that zone. FSOG does not include any of this. Mr. Grey gives Anastasia (a then-virgin) an ultimatum; to sign a contract or leave. She is sexually inexperienced (being a virgin) and he manipulates that to push her boundaries to make it seem like the sexually violent things he is doing to her are okay. There are instances where after an act, he is mad at her for being upset, but does not comfort her. He uses alcohol to sway her consent - this is by law rape. There is also an instance where she uses the safe word, yet he continues. That is consent being retracted, and Christian ignores the retraction of consent. That is sexual assault.

Those are not the only problematic instances. Anastasia begins to hide things in fear of Christian's anger. He becomes jealous and easily angered. Anastasia fears for her safety. Experts have even matched her behavior with that of abused women, in accordance with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's description of partner violence.

This book completely throws people who participate in BDSM completely under the bus by misrepresenting BDSM as a whole. Bad people do sneak into BDSM to find a way to escape persecution for their violent ways, but the majority of those in BDSM are not abusive, like this book would have you believe.

This book romanticizes and fetishizes abuse, and painting abuse in a 'sexy' and 'fun' light is really dangerous for women. 1 in 5 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, that's why this book should not be defended. Making this behavior seem okay to accept from a man is dangerous, and people will be influenced to dabble in 'BDSM,' but not have an actual idea of what it is, and they will get hurt.

It is up to every individual what they read, never anyone else. The point of this post is to point out how FSOG isproblematic, not to police anyone's reading habits. I know many women (and men) defend this book and don't understand how it can be seen as abuse, but it is. And I hope more awareness will be raised so this does not influence others

I've unfortunately dealt with specific accusations of abuse in the past - a friend of my sub who found out what we were doing and called the police. It was - thankfully! - dealt with without any trouble, but it had the potential to be serious - and to be on my permanent record. The problem is, nothing illegal was happening... But that's not the standard by which most people respond to it. People see BDSM, see consensual play between adults who are enjoying themselves, and sometimes their first reaction is to panic at the terrible things being done. And Fifty Shades somehow managed to flip that on its head.

Fifty Shades takes a twisted version of BDSM and presents it as something erotic. It makes me sick that to so much of the world, BDSM is popularized by what's essentially an ass hole who doesn't get it. Who's doing a good job of fucking up his sub.

When you're introducing someone new to BDSM, the biggest thing - in my experience - that you have to guard against is preconceptions and assumptions. Having exposure to BDSM in general, having positive attention pointed at it, is good; having attention that seems positive but gives people such a terrible set of assumptions to work from is making it worse for those of us who already have an uphill fight to not be seen as monsters.

I feel sometimes like I'm harping on this, but I can't say it enough; check your assumptions. "Knowing" how BDSM works is almost invariably wrong - because, just like every other relationship, everyone is different. It doesn't matter what's "right" or "wrong", because those don't exist in this context. It only matters what works for you and your partner.

Harriet the Spy has been around for plenty long - according to Wikipedia it was first published in 1964, well before I was born - but I've never read it. I spent more of my time reading action and science fiction and fantasy instead. Still, I ran across the following quote the other day and I liked it very much:

You’re an individual, and that makes people nervous. And it’s gonna keep making people nervous for the rest of your life. Stay true to who you are and accept the cost.

- Harriet the Spy, “Be Yourself”

I certainly can understand the idea of making people nervous; I've spent most of my life doing so. It's not just my kinks, either; after all, I spent most of my life keeping them mostly hidden. I've been an outsider for most of my life. I was a math geek, a nerd, a theatre and music geek; I didn't play sports, I didn't hang out with the popular kids, and I was far more likely to be found playing Magic: The Gathering or with my nose in a book than "hanging out". Once I started understanding my kinks and exploring them - talking to people about them - there were a couple of blunders that *could* have been much worse; I was lucky not to have been outed to my entire school. I have a habit of being quiet and then very blunt; I understand people and read them well, but I make some people uncomfortable because I'm not often willing to lie to them. None of this made me popular, and I paid that cost - the cost of being myself, and spending time on the things and people that were important to me ostracized me for a decade in school.

It's very easy to look at that and say "Well, your problems are so juvenile!" And to some extent, of course they are - they started when I was 10 or less. That doesn't mean they aren't still true, even worse in some cases.

I mentioned this quote to my friend and coworker Ace, and her response was:

You know, it's something I really wish I heard when I was younger. Not that I didn't hear a variety of terms like that just that I didn't "hear" that. Stay true to who you are. I was always told I didn't fit in and I needed to.

I've touched on this before... But being yourself, when society can be so hostile and not hiding your kinks or your interests seems so dangerous, can be scary. But building a good life as someone you aren't isn't actually building a good life - it's building a lie. Keep that in mind.

Bonus Link!

I liked this, especially since it related back to one of my recent posts. Enjoy!

http://cinematicsymphony.tumblr.com/post/98998038935/bodysexgender-thisisaurlbytheblackkeys-true