2015/02/27
Technical Difficulties
I know I've missed an entry and will be missing another today. The reason, for the most part, is Google's recent announcement that - in a couple of weeks - they will be disallowing "explicit sexual content" on Blogger. I know that for the most part that does not apply to my writing and commentary, but I also know that some people would consider what I write to be in that category. I'm trying to decide what to do, and - most likely - where to move. I'll get back to you all soon.
2015/02/20
Another book for the list...
Today's post is going to be a relatively short one. This is digging back a couple of years, but here's an interview on Salon with Hanne Blank, the author of "Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality."
I'll encourage you all to read the interview, and - if it's your type of thing - check out the book. It's on my list now... As are a couple of her other books.
2015/02/17
A Few Things Worth Knowing
The lovely Ash sent me this link:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm
Buzzfeed is often amusing, but recently I've been surprised at how intelligent it can be... And in this case, it's one of the most concise-and-yet-helpful resource I've found. It doesn't have the depth of information that
My only real problem with it - unsurprisingly, to those who know me - is #8. It's not even that it's wrong, so much as it's incomplete. Many - most, really - kinksters deal in scenes... But not everyone, and not all the time. I understand that that message scares people, because it's the frightening edge of our culture and society... But it's still valuable to the people who live out there to know they're not excluded even by other kinksters.
Anyway. There's certainly places where this list could be expanded... And the sheer number of books that cover individual points on this list should prove that beyond anyone's doubt. Still, this list is worth your time.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm
Buzzfeed is often amusing, but recently I've been surprised at how intelligent it can be... And in this case, it's one of the most concise-and-yet-helpful resource I've found. It doesn't have the depth of information that
My only real problem with it - unsurprisingly, to those who know me - is #8. It's not even that it's wrong, so much as it's incomplete. Many - most, really - kinksters deal in scenes... But not everyone, and not all the time. I understand that that message scares people, because it's the frightening edge of our culture and society... But it's still valuable to the people who live out there to know they're not excluded even by other kinksters.
Anyway. There's certainly places where this list could be expanded... And the sheer number of books that cover individual points on this list should prove that beyond anyone's doubt. Still, this list is worth your time.
2015/02/14
Bonus Links!
A good rant on the subject of 50 Shades of Gray:
http://babysubmissive.tumblr.com/post/110584059273/over-the-last-several-days-ive-seen-quite-a-few
http://babysubmissive.tumblr.com/post/110584059273/over-the-last-several-days-ive-seen-quite-a-few
2015/02/13
Dear Polly...
One of the various things I read online these days is Ask Polly, an advice column. Advice columns frequently amuse me, and I go through phases of reading them and not - mostly depending on the balance of how many of them recently have amused me vs. have disturbed or upset me. Just yesterday, though, was this one:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-hating-myself.html
It's one I identify with. There are any number of differences, of course, but the core of his problem - self-acceptance - is my biggest battle and frequently the biggest problem of kinky people. It's not really too hard to understand why, either; after all, accepting one's being divorced or accepting one's being a vegetarian is easy - your friends, your family, your coworkers will all support you. Being kinky is sortof like being gay in this respect; some people people will love and support you anyway, some people will turn against you because of it, and some people - maybe most people - are happier never knowing. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, and yet it's hard to convince yourself of that when the world around you tries hard to convince you otherwise.
It could be worse; most of us can pass as norms. Many of us come across as eccentric or weird, but we can get by in everyday life. That's not true of all of us - some of us are stuck between being miserable and denying ourselves, or being excluded and even arrested. Some of us need help to avoid being a statistic - and a depressing statistic at that.
There are resources out there, and one of the most useful is the Kink-Aware Professional's Directory. It's not perfect and it's not complete, but it's a good starting point - and sometimes, the people on that list are the difference between freedom and jail time... Or life and death.
Even if you aren't kinky, remember how much the kinky people in your life need your support, your love, and - above all else - your acceptance.
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-hating-myself.html
It's one I identify with. There are any number of differences, of course, but the core of his problem - self-acceptance - is my biggest battle and frequently the biggest problem of kinky people. It's not really too hard to understand why, either; after all, accepting one's being divorced or accepting one's being a vegetarian is easy - your friends, your family, your coworkers will all support you. Being kinky is sortof like being gay in this respect; some people people will love and support you anyway, some people will turn against you because of it, and some people - maybe most people - are happier never knowing. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, and yet it's hard to convince yourself of that when the world around you tries hard to convince you otherwise.
It could be worse; most of us can pass as norms. Many of us come across as eccentric or weird, but we can get by in everyday life. That's not true of all of us - some of us are stuck between being miserable and denying ourselves, or being excluded and even arrested. Some of us need help to avoid being a statistic - and a depressing statistic at that.
There are resources out there, and one of the most useful is the Kink-Aware Professional's Directory. It's not perfect and it's not complete, but it's a good starting point - and sometimes, the people on that list are the difference between freedom and jail time... Or life and death.
Even if you aren't kinky, remember how much the kinky people in your life need your support, your love, and - above all else - your acceptance.
2015/02/10
Coming Out as a Modern Family
Here are a couple of lovely links from last year:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/maria-bello-gay-article-1.1534522
I'll admit, I found these articles immensely uplifting. The way Jackson reacted to his mother's admission about Clare was as reassuring as it could have been. The article is such a good reflection of what I've tried to say, though, from end to end. This quote so carefully summarizes the fear we all have:
Maria Bello has anything but a traditional relationship; she has a close-knit relationship with multiple platonic and romantic/sexual partners... She's comfortable with it, though, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of her being able to be totally open and out about her lifestyle. And of course, it's a little different - at least, openly, it's different, not being kinky - but still... The bravery it must have taken is amazing.
The biggest lesson to take away from this, though, is the fact that Jackson came to her and asked if there was something she wasn't sharing. Children are observant, and very open about things; adults may not seem as observant, and are much more reserved about calling things out... But the people actually closest to you probably know more than you're telling them.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/maria-bello-gay-article-1.1534522
I'll admit, I found these articles immensely uplifting. The way Jackson reacted to his mother's admission about Clare was as reassuring as it could have been. The article is such a good reflection of what I've tried to say, though, from end to end. This quote so carefully summarizes the fear we all have:
“But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”
Maria Bello has anything but a traditional relationship; she has a close-knit relationship with multiple platonic and romantic/sexual partners... She's comfortable with it, though, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of her being able to be totally open and out about her lifestyle. And of course, it's a little different - at least, openly, it's different, not being kinky - but still... The bravery it must have taken is amazing.
The biggest lesson to take away from this, though, is the fact that Jackson came to her and asked if there was something she wasn't sharing. Children are observant, and very open about things; adults may not seem as observant, and are much more reserved about calling things out... But the people actually closest to you probably know more than you're telling them.
2015/02/09
Bonus Links!
A more accurate description of the 50 Shades movie...
http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/109944117836/fucknorapeapologists-the6thsiren-50-shades-of
http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/109944117836/fucknorapeapologists-the6thsiren-50-shades-of
2015/02/08
2015/02/03
To get back to it...
As I mentioned previously, I just finished When Someone You Love is Kinky. It was an interesting read, and I have mixed feelings about it. What it really comes down to at its heart is that it's meant to be handed to someone you're close to when they find out you're kinky, and give them enough of a background in a "safe" way to be able to handle you and the situation well.
On some level, the premise of this book really depresses me. I'm not saying it's wrong, or unnecessary; I'm saying it's really sad that something like this is necessary. This book is excellent for the task; it covers essentially all the bases and presents it in a gentle way to try and ease the easily scared into it. I can't even fairly criticize that it's aimed too much at bedroom play over lifestyle; there's no good way they could have lingered on that without ruining the whole approach. It's also balanced by the letters.
I mentioned last post, every chapter has a letter; the authors asked their friends, family and acquaintances to write a "letter you'll never send" - to their family, their coworkers, or whoever. In a lot of ways, they were far more "real" than the sections written by the actual authors. The author sections are very informative, but the letters really let you connect with some of these people... And they were far less gentle with the readers. All in all it's a well-balanced approach.
Speaking of the approach... This book's biggest fault is easily the extreme lengths it goes to to ease people into it. It is so paranoid about possibly scaring anyone off that the people who aren't scared will have trouble getting to the parts that are actually important.
So to summarize...
The Good:
The Bad:
The Conclusion:
Definitely something I'd recommend... But it's not perfect.
On some level, the premise of this book really depresses me. I'm not saying it's wrong, or unnecessary; I'm saying it's really sad that something like this is necessary. This book is excellent for the task; it covers essentially all the bases and presents it in a gentle way to try and ease the easily scared into it. I can't even fairly criticize that it's aimed too much at bedroom play over lifestyle; there's no good way they could have lingered on that without ruining the whole approach. It's also balanced by the letters.
I mentioned last post, every chapter has a letter; the authors asked their friends, family and acquaintances to write a "letter you'll never send" - to their family, their coworkers, or whoever. In a lot of ways, they were far more "real" than the sections written by the actual authors. The author sections are very informative, but the letters really let you connect with some of these people... And they were far less gentle with the readers. All in all it's a well-balanced approach.
Speaking of the approach... This book's biggest fault is easily the extreme lengths it goes to to ease people into it. It is so paranoid about possibly scaring anyone off that the people who aren't scared will have trouble getting to the parts that are actually important.
So to summarize...
The Good:
- Pretty comprehensive; a lot of information
- Very personal and easy to read
- Applicable to a wide audience
The Bad:
- Slow to start
- Slanted away from lifestyle kinksters
- Possibly too little too late?
- Sortof aimed at a niche and unfortunate premise
The Conclusion:
Definitely something I'd recommend... But it's not perfect.
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