Marriage Redux

Last night when we were headed to bed, Ash was talking about her friend - I think we'll use the name Abigail - and the fact that her marriage was in the process of ending... Or so it appears. Abby is wandering off into territory that she never really expected to be in. Not many people do expect to be there - I know I didn't, but back in 2005, 2006, 2007 I did. People make promises in marriage, "to have and to hold", "in sickness and in health"... But the vows never seem to account for "in lies and in truth", or "in miscommunication and in perfect understanding", or "in personality changes and epiphanies".

That's the real issue here, of course. As much as I hate my ex-wife - she's done enough to me that I feel she deserves it - I don't actually believe she married me maliciously. Rather, I believe she married me stupidly. I think if she had come out as gay, even just in her own head, she never would have married me; and if I'd known her at the time as well as I thought I did, I never would have married her. 

I don't know Abby or Thaddeus (her husband), but I tend to assume the same - if they actually knew the situation they'd find themselves in now, they wouldn't have been married... And so I tend to give people in these situations the benefit of the doubt. There are people who - for all intents and purposes - marry maliciously... But they're very few and far between.

We don't know what's going on in Thad's head. At this point we (well, mostly Abby, but the people who care about her as well) are still trying to figure out if he's gay, if he's bi but thinks he's gay, if he's straight or bi but lying to Abby for whatever reason... We don't know what their future relationship is going to be. We don't know whether they're going to divorce, whether they're going to stay together in a companionate marriage, or whether they're going to clarify the situation and actually remain a couple.

The conversation, though, also touched on Abby's looking around at people to date, and the comment Ash related to me was when she said she felt weird talking to her gay husband about her dating life... To which Ash responded "Well, you're also talking to your pansexual friend in an open marriage to a dominant sadistic demi-sexual. Welcome to the club."

The problem isn't the idea of their having a companionate marriage, or an open marriage, or a child while not being married. None of those are actually an issue at all, except in the view of some of the more bigoted portions of society. The issue is that the marriage was based on a situation which didn't last - their mutual understanding that he was straight... And it's so frustrating, because it's avoidable! People are so terrified of being honest and open with their feelings and desires and lifestyles that they don't know what to do.

It'll get sorted out eventually; but it's painful for everyone involved until it does.