http://therumpus.net/2011/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-81-a-bit-of-sully-in-your-sweet/
Ms. "Happily Ever After" comes into this question so arrogantly, and frankly, it frustrates me. The entire basis of her question is that she thought her sister and brother-in-law were the paragon of examples right up until she found out their life hadn't been perfect... And it's so absurdly backwards!
Why is it that society's ideal is so focused on a life where nothing goes wrong? On a life that's so unrealistic? I would have thought most people would prefer an ideal they can relate to, one they can aspire to. But they don't - people aspire to the ideals they'll never reach.
This woman's sister and brother-in-law do sound like an amazing example of a loving couple and an excellent ideal to live up to - and I think the fact that they have survived hardship proves it, rather than bringing it into question.
Ms. Happily Ever After says:
I know couples have to work on their relationships, but my position on infidelity is that it’s a deal killer. My fiancé and I have agreed if one of us ever cheated on the other it would be automatically over between us, no conversation required. When I told my sister about this she actually laughed and said we were being “too black and white,” but, Sugar, I don’t want to think that in twenty-five years I’ll be saying that there were times I didn’t think my husband and I would make it. I want healthy love.
It's funny, because I read that and think "to me it's obvious that you don't understand that people have to work on their relationships, because you ruled out the most common way people have to do so". It's somewhat hard to find statistics on exactly how common it is, but it's somewhere between 30% and 60% of all married individuals will cheat during their relationship.
It's hard to find statistics on it, because everyone has their angle; and unfortunately, because of the nature of the question, that angle is usually "infidelity is evil"... And this is where I have to struggle not to go off onto my pet peeve rant... But that's not even relevant to this discussion, because I'm prejudiced in favour of open and polyamorous relationships anyway. My point is... A tested relationship is provably stronger than an untested one. How can you be happy knowing that you've never had a conflict and therefore not knowing what'll happen when you have one?
One thing you hear a lot after a while is "Oh, we had a perfect relationship! We never fought or disagreed." "Why'd you break up?" "Oh, we had a fight." They don't seem to get it - the measure of a relationship isn't what happens when things are going well, it's what happens when things don't go well.
Ash and I don't fight much. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but we honestly just don't disagree enough on much to actually have many fights. That doesn't mean we haven't fought - we have, usually when one of us feels neglected or misunderstood. But mostly, we talk. We have an interest and a strong desire to keep our relationship intact... And we know that means we have to work to make sure the other person is happy. I have no illusions I meet all her needs; she has no illusions she meets all of mine... And that's fine. We know that, we accept that, we love each other, and our relationship is shaped around it. I have disappointed her and made mistakes; she's done the same to me... And our relationship is stronger because of it. Both because we learned more about each other, and because it's driven home the point that we need to work to keep each other in our lives.
As I think all my readers know, this marriage is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted five years - from 2002 to 2007 - and in hindsight was the product of an immense amount of ignorance on both of our parts. I was naive, thinking I could suppress a lot of my needs and our differences; while she was lying - either to me or to herself - for the entire duration. My ex-wife (let's call her Celia) is gay, and had an extended relationship with her now-wife (let's go with Pat) while we were married. I'm not trying to be difficult by not giving you a number; it's just that, well, I don't know exactly how long it was. I know that the first time Celia told Pat she loved her was about two and a half years into our marriage - and things went downhill from there... Though it took me far too long to admit it. It's unclear when she changed from lying to herself to lying to me... But the entire marriage was based on her running from what she wanted - and my misunderstanding what it was I needed to ask for. The fact that she and I didn't fight for most of our marriage wasn't a sign our relationship was strong; it was a sign our relationship had failed from the beginning, and neither of us was brave or smart enough to admit it.
Most people see the surface, and not the truth; most people see the ideals and not the reality. Relationships aren't as simple as that.
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