Growing Up

One of the more common topics of conversation between Ash and me (along with Pokemon, work, family, and a handful of others) is my son - and specifically, how he's growing up. It's funny; she met him about three years ago, and has watched a number of milestones for him. Growing out of his "crying over everything" phase; the first time he was tall enough to walk into a doorknob; getting big enough to get his own drinks; giving himself showers instead of being given baths... He's growing up and getting bigger and turning into a real person right before our very eyes.

And anyone who knows me and interacts with him can see how much he takes after me. He looks almost freakishly like I did back at that age, though the similarity is starting to decrease; but he has similar interests as me and his mind works very much the same way as mine. The way he plays games and the games he tends to gravitate towards match me; I've helped him with his homework for the last several years and he has the same strengths and weaknesses as I do academically, as well.

The natural fear for me, then, is that he's going to have some of the same problems I did with kink and his sexual identity. There's part of me that really wants to help him with it; after all, I've been through a lot and experienced second- and third-hand quite a bit more... And if he is going to end up with the same issues I did, I want to do my best to ease that transition. But I'm also victim to the same "Ewww, gross" reaction that's endemic to large parts of the population - very few people want to think about their parents having sex.

I know far more about my parents' sex life than I really want to, from the various times I've accidentally walked in on them having sex to the naked pictures they forgot to delete off of a digital camera I borrowed once to the books and movies and porn I've found at various points in my life. Even then they raised me quite conservatively; we never had "the talk". We never discussed this, and I know that informs my own discomfort in talking about it even now - a reaction I'm struggling quite actively against through avenues such as this blog. It's far too easy to assume that he will be the same way... But I really don't want him to be. So how does one handle that? What's my responsibility and ability to help him avoid the same issues? And where is it right for me to?

And this isn't to say, of course, that it's all about sex; because my fears actually lie far more heavily on relationships. For better or worse my son is not going to have a single traditional relationship in his family to lean on.

Note, I don't say "typical", because "the norm" has shifted so much recently. Divorced parents were, last time I heard, actually more common than not; and children (both biological and adopted) of homosexual couples are not particularly uncommon. Even if everyone was 100% certain of their sexuality from day one and was 100% honest about it with all of their partners - things both my and Ash's lives have proved to be utterly false - gays and lesbians aren't immune to the same familial urges as other folks. Families happen, however they grow and evolve... But my son has a lesbian mother and stepmother on the one side, and a demi-sexual poly father and bisexual stepmother on the other. On some level the poor boy doesn't stand a chance.

Far more than just the trouble in struggling through my own issues to talk to him, though, is when is it appropriate to do so? One concept I've shamelessly stolen from multiple sources (Fetlife, Dan Savage, Dear Abby, other blogs and advice columns) is the idea of the "right not to know". When do we start talking about these things, and when we do, how much do we talk about? There's a difference between knowing "Oh, yeah, your parents are kinky" and "Oh, yeah, I was triple-penetrating and whipping your mother last night".

I don't think anyone would hesitate to agree eight is far too young to hear that kind of detail about my sex life - I'd argue that thirty is too young to hear that kind of detail about my parents' sex life, if it weren't too late. More to the point, though... If we do find a girlfriend who becomes a part of our family, at what point do we say to the boy "Yes, she may not actually be married to us, but she's part of our family too"?

I don't know what the answer is; or more realistically, there probably isn't really a single answer to go with. I know I'm struggling with it, though, and I know many other folks are - whether they realize it or not. I guess if I figure it out I'll let you know.

I will say, though... My son may not have a chance of being "normal", but he'll certainly have a good example of how to be tolerant of the little differences that make all our families exciting.