The Sir Conundrum

It hasn't been very long since I had someone calling me "Sir".

I mean, there are actually two girls who call me that on most of our interactions. One is my most recent submissive, Sunshine - when I released her, we've stayed friends and she continues to refer to me that way out of respect. It's more than a little bit, however, because our entire relationship was framed around that dynamic - we weren't friends first. The other is Pearl; she's not formally mine, and in fact she has submissives of her own, but that discussion has happened extensively. She prefers the comfort of considering me that way, and while I don't take responsibility for her we interact most often with a D/s dynamic.

It's been several weeks - a month or two? I would have to go back and look - since Sunshine was actually formally mine, however. She is no longer obligated to refer to me that way... But any of my subs or slaves are. So why do they?

To me, it's a matter of mindset. Most of the time, subs are people with whom I was already friends, and we have established patterns of interaction. They may refer to me by my name, they may refer to me by a nickname, or they may simply never really directly reference me in conversation.

As an experiment, pay attention to how you refer to people when you're talking. Really listen to yourself in three situations - when you're talking to them; when you're talking about them while they're there; and when you're talking about them while they're not there. It can be illuminating.

My point, though, is that I find it's useful to enforce a method of address for creating a differentiation in their head. It's frequently easier to have a submissive with whom you had a pre-existing friendship - it gives you a solid basis to work from. Unfortunately, many of those habits are counter-productive in a lot of D/s relationships... But those habits and that basis is something you want to modify and build from, not destroy. Using names to define that relationship clearly is one of the most effective ways to do so.

When I have a submissive or slave (and yes, I do differentiate; that distinction is for another day, however) they are required - when "on duty" - to refer to me as "Sir" or "Master". The former is considered polite and respectful; the latter is considered formal and is only required under specific circumstances (negotiations; formal requests; or any time they want to be especially respectful and butter me up, I suppose). It's convenient in that regard. I know that if they're referring to me as "sir", they're responding as a submissive and not just as my friend; if necessary I can use that to adjust the situation as required, and either reassure them that they can relax or point out that they aren't being as respectful as they possibly should be.

That particular policy is entirely my own, however, and while I've never heard anyone (except Bettina) object to it, I've never actually found anyone who had independently come up with the same - which is fine, since every relationship is different, too. The really important thing is to either use the name to define the context, or use the context to choose the name.

One Tumblr I've been following recently is one maintained by a Little - by a woman in a "Daddy/Little Girl" relationship. It's not a type of D/s that I have ever been involved in, but I have been involved in a number of variations on "pet"-style submission rather than "servant"-style, which is probably the closest I've gotten... But I can certainly appreciate the appeal of the dynamic. You see a lot of this there - they almost never use "master" or "sir" or "slave" or equivalent; it's a lot of "Papa" or "Daddy" or "Papa Bear" on the one side, and "Princess" or "Darling" or "Little One" or "Little Girl" on the other. It's sweet, and gentle, and very clearly frames to both of them when they're in Little space vs. when they're not.

And in that regard, a name can almost be like a safeword. If I tell my slave to do something and she very grumpily responds "But sir, that would blah blah blah" and tries to convince me otherwise, I may listen to her or I may shut her down, but we're in the same space - our D/s space. If she instead turns to me and says "Mike, I don't want to do that..." I know something is wrong - I know that the order or her mood or the situation snapped her far enough out of sub space that I need to figure out what happened and make sure she's okay.

You can call your top almost anything - Dom(me), Sir/Ma'am, Master/Mistress, Empress, Daddy, Lord, or whatever else. I used to know a couple where formal address was "Bastard" or "Dick" or some other similar insulting address. The important thing is understanding why the name is there; being conscious of the situation it brings; and being comfortable with them. Whatever you call them, it should be something you look forwards to - not something that makes you nervous or snaps you out.