I've had a number of conversations with Bettina recently on the subject of variations on Dom/sub relationships. It's nothing she's ever done before - in fact, before becoming friends with me, I don't believe she's ever actually thought about it. We've had discussions all over the spectrum, from deep full-ownership Master/slave relationships to incredibly light part-time playing around, and it's been quite fascinating to me. I've done a lot of educating people over the years - I've never thought of it that way before, but that's pretty much how it is - and yet I've never actually gone through the process with someone who had started without any real preconceptions. She's coming at it knowing that she doesn't even know what she doesn't know... And she doesn't know what she's comfortable with. More than once we've hit subjects where her initial reactions were negative - fear- or socially-based prejudice, mostly - but she realized eventually she was comfortable with them. Similarly, more than once she's realized over time that a concept she thought she was comfortable with was a lot scarier than initially thought.
On the other hand, Sunshine and I met originally in the context of her looking for a Master, and our relationship - from day one - was framed that way. She had had several long-term D/s relationships before we ever started talking, and was reasonably well established. She knew up front essentially everything she needed to know about her interests, the lifestyle, the risks and benefits... Everything except my own little quirks. And more importantly she knew, for the most part, exactly what she was - and wasn't - interested in and willing to do.
Everyone has limits, generally in every context, but in kink those limits are usually far more explicit than they might otherwise be. Limits are integral to BDSM relationships, and are usually one of the most important pieces of any negotiation leading into a formalized agreement. Some people will discuss them briefly, informally, and then simply rely on their partners' discretion; while others will write out extensive contracts detailing lists of "do's" and "don'ts". Some very common limits include things like "no knives", "no public play", "no urine/scat", "no animals", "no blindfolds/gags" and even "no sex".
Generally, people will separate them into two groups - "soft" and "hard" limits. A hard limit is something that is flat-out forbidden under any circumstances, while a soft limit is something allowed only with explicit consent. Exactly what falls into either category varies widely (some would say "wildly") based on the people involved. To me, neither of them is particularly more important than the other; however, most people seem to emphasize hard limits far more. The problem with that attitude is that soft limits can be the far trickier minefield to navigate. With hard limits, it's always clear where everyone stands; while with soft limits there's always shades of gray. Some people will always interpret a refusal to absolutely refuse as tacit acceptance. Soft limits can lead to guilt and being coerced into things you may not otherwise be comfortable with.
In a sense, negotiation of a formalized relationship can be seen as reducing all soft limits to either allowed activities or hard limits - after all, once a contract (written, verbal or whatever) is drawn up, it's uncommon to allow for stopping to gain specific consent from the sub at random intervals.This can be a good source of understanding of your partner before really diving into things - especially if your relationship is new rather than the evolution of an older one.
The biggest mistakes people make around limits usually fall into two extremes of the same problem - not taking them seriously and so never setting any when they should, or not taking them seriously and violating them after they're agreed upon. The first is simply naive. Not that it's a mistake to intentionally set no limits; I'd say, rather, it's a mistake to set no limits because you dismiss their importance rather than because of a carefully considered agreement that it's where you want the relationship to go. On the other hand, ignoring limits because of dismissing their importance is far worse - it's a severe breach of trust. That way lies unhappiness, anger, abuse, and sometimes crime. Beware of people who fit into this category - no good can come of it.
The advice here should be obvious; know your limits. If you don't know them, you'll never be able to communicate them to your partners; and if your partners don't know what they are, the likelihood of them being broken goes up sharply. Understand that not everyone has the same limits, and something perfectly okay or perfectly terrifying to you may be the opposite to a new partner. And never be ashamed to set your limits and stand by them; without them, you'll never feel safe and develop your relationships to the point they eventually may reach.
No comments:
Post a Comment