The Other Side of Strength

The lovely Persephone and I have talked about our respective blogs quite a bit, and the possibility of writing parallel entries was floated. We agonized for a bit about what we might write about and eventually decided we'd write on different subjects - her from one side of an issue and myself from the other - and do a response afterwards, seeing how our different views and styles were reflected. Hers can be found over here, but for now, here's mine.

I've had an up-and-down with the way media portrays dominants. When I was young, the mental image I would have given you of a "dominant" was of a bare-chested, long-haired guy with a whip - almost like a more muscular Fabio on the cover of a saucy romance novel. Something about the macho image appealed to me - and a lot of other people, I suppose. This certainly never helps with the basic prejudice that dominance is the same as sadism.

You'd be amazed how many people just inherently equate submission and masochism. Or maybe you wouldn't - but it amazes me every time I encounter it. You'd think by now I wouldn't be surprised, but I always am. It happened again with one of my pen pals, just a day or two again... Though when I just asked Bettina now, she said they were separate, which makes me feel slightly less crazy... But I digress.

The point is, the image appealed to me - and appeals to other people - precisely because it's a sort of hyper-masculine view. It nicely fits into society's prejudices about the "ideal man" - the man who should be in charge. It wasn't until I was much older, until I was breaking away from my Domme, that I realized what absolute bullshit that was.

Strength, in various forms, is a big part of being the dominant in a D/s relationship. The biggest mistake my Domme made - and that many other Dom(me)s make - is to treat her strength as a given simple because I'd agreed to submit. To most dominants, their strength is their ability to force you to submit - to do what they want - in all too many cases, to beat obedience into the subs.

When it comes down to it there are many types of strength, and every one of them is either part of you before you gain a submissive/slave... Or not. Strength of character; strength of will; strength of resolve; strength of heart; strength of body. All of them are something you can offer to your submissive, to the person giving you their trust and devotion.

The strength of a dominant doesn't come from the fact that they are a dominant. Their strength doesn't rise from their ability to threaten or cow their sub into doing as they're told. Their strength comes from their ability to take responsibility, to care for those who look up to them, to be trustworthy, to be worthy of respect. Their strength is something that every dominant should have before ever accepting a slave in the first place. Their strength comes from the love they and their submissive share, grows out of their relationship. Their strength comes not from presumptions and immature demands, but from being worthy of a submissive offering themselves.