Let me just start by saying, it can be. The fact that *I* don't treat it sexually - most of the time - is in the minority. In my experience, most people do, and there's nothing wrong with that. The most common forms of BDSM are the less subtle ones, like fuzzy handcuffs from Spencer's or spankings in bed... Or at least those are the ones people talk about. How many people, though, enjoy - either really or just in their lip-biting fantasies - being pinned up against a wall while their lover kisses them? Or having someone's hand tangled in their hair while they make out? Or having someone hold their wrists down while they have sex?
I realize that most people will look at that and say, "Yes, but you're just talking about sex!" My point, however, is a matter of... Well, at the risk of being scowled at, shades of grey. BDSM is always very subjective and very personal. One of my favourite sayings about it has been that if you go into a room with 10 masters and 10 slaves and ask them what BDSM means to them, you'll get 25 answers - which is maybe a little bit of hyperbole, but at least gets my point across. Everyone has a different pain tolerance; some people adore pain, and look forwards to welts and bruises and cuts and burns. Some people can't stand it, and love to be dominated - perhaps even tied up - but refuse any kind of sadism. Some people love extreme pain, but panic when tied up, or simply don't enjoy bondage. Some people have incredibly strong independent streaks and cannot be comfortable as a submissive. Some people love being submissive, but only "in the bedroom" - in very limited situations and scenes. Some people want their entire life to be shaped around their master or owner, and are simply happier under someone else's control. Every aspect of it is a range from the vanilla to the extreme, and the combinations are literally infinite.
So why is it so surprisng that the other expected aspect of the situation is on a scale as well? Every social group has its Alphas. That's rarely sexual in a work environment, rarely sexual in a social environment - why is there this prejudice that as soon as it slips into formal submission, or overlaps with bondage, that it has to be sexual?
This is a topic I've dealt with for years, and yet have always had some level of trouble explaining for exactly that reason; mostly, the answer is "you're making an assumption, and as long as that assumption's there it's very difficult to meaningfully answer." In my case, my sadism is linked to my sex drive; I do get off from hurting people... But my dominant side isn't, for the most part. Can I enjoy dominating someone? Yes. Do I introduce sexual aspects into my Dom/sub relationships? Of course. Is that why I do it? No - no, it isn't. I'm a dominant for the simple reason that I'm more comfortable that way. With some people, it never comes up; and with some people, my relationship has simply been framed that way, and I don't know how else to do it. It's not a conscious choice - it's my state of mind. I may as well ask, why *aren't* you submissive to your spouse? Or how *could* you only be involved with BDSM in sexual situations?
It's funny, you know; people involved in this lifestyle usually are more open-minded, and yet this is an area where even Doms and subs can be close-minded about it - and blind to the fact they're doing it. Society at large can be so closed-minded about BDSM as a whole, and people in the lifestyle are usually so proud of their open-mindedness that they're shocked when you point out their own blind spots. I'm a dominant because not because I'm feeling forced to, or because I think it's expected of me; not because I can't get it up unless someone's tied up, or because ordering a girl around gets me hard... I'm a dominant because, for better or worse, that's how my brain is wired.
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