...And Hold the Sex, Part 2

I stopped at Barnes & Nobles today and - out of curiosity, as well as because it’s a fun toy - I did a few searches on their little mini computer kiosks. Unsurprisingly, since I started doing this a few days ago and I’m anxious to make sure I have topics to talk about, I searched “on-topic” - BDSM, bondage, submission, submissive, dominance, sadism, masochism. There are plenty of books in their system on those subjects… But excluding erotic fiction, only five in the store.

I took the time to go look at them, and the first worrisome sign was that they were all under “Relationships -> Sexuality”. Not only was every one of them a manual on “How to spice up your sex life using your kinky side!”, but four of the five were “50 shades of X”. (The fifth was “The Book of Kink: Sex Beyond the Missionary”, by Eva Christina, if you’re curious.) I’m certain that “50 Shades of BDSM” and “50 Shades of Kink” are both great books with several redeeming qualities, but it’s hard for me to take them seriously given the bandwagon they’ve jumped on… And it isn’t reassuring that there’s really nothing else there.

I looked through them enough to know that their classification under “Sexuality” was accurate and deserved in these cases. And don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that; I’m thrilled to know that there are books on safe, fun bondage and mild pain play alongside books on how to give better oral sex and the highlights from the Kama Sutra. It just frustrates me that they’ve been relegated to the little niche they’re in.

Not a single book on Dom/sub relationships. Not a single book on pet play or pony play. Not a single book on power exchange except when it comes to fuzzy handcuffs. Not a single book on the… I hesitate to say “serious side” of BDSM, but that’s very much how it came across to me. The only things they stocked were riding the “50 Shades of Grey” wave, and however nice it is to see positive, constructive discussion of the lifestyle, it makes me sad to know how terribly slanted the message they’re displaying is.

I don’t know if this is cause or effect. Are the only books on the subject under sexuality because that’s what B&N believes, or because that’s just all that sells? Functionally I suppose it doesn’t matter, but it definitely doesn’t help BDSM’s image. It does nothing but perpetuate the stereotype that bondage and kink are nothing but bedroom issues. I have most of my friends I’m out to well-trained on the subject, but just the fact that I have to address it every time is the heart of the problem. In the 18 or so years of my activity in the lifestyle, I can think of one person where I *didn’t* have to introduce the idea that it wasn’t all about getting off.

In the end, I know that most of my attitude arouind this comes down to my own prejudices, but mostly it's just a reward thing. The human brain seeks activities which reward it; and sex is one of the most common rewards around (right after food). It's very easy for me to bemoan the lack of non-sexual BDSM culture when sex isn't the same reward it is to me as the majority of society. That's okay, though; I'm used to being an outlier, and some people in the Fetish community make me feel downright vanilla.

I wish there were a good fetish book store in the area - something that would cover the subjects more evenly. In a bigger city there might be; and you can always have one just by the luck of the draw. Next time I’m there I’ll do a search on a few different topics - other less-than-socially-acceptable things, like polyamory, pet play, pony play, age play, and whatever other various fetishes come to mind at the time. For now, if I want to read something on the subject - and I don’t want it to just be soft core porn - I’m going to have to resort to Amazon, and I recommend you do the same.