2014/04/02

I was just thinking...

So my fiance recommended an episode of the Savage Lovecast to me, and it was unusually precise at helping me clarify some of my thinking.

That's sortof an ominous beginning to a blog entry! I can understand that, especially for something that relatively few people know about me. Though I've been thinking recently - how few people *do* know about it? I'm honestly not sure. Recently I've been far more open in general with my kinky side; I formally consider something along the lines of "public but undisclosed." I mean, I'm not ashamed of it, and I don't really necessarily consider it private; I just choose not to make a public discussion point of it in most forums. It's not, at least in many circles, "socially acceptable", no matter how much better it is than it used to be. It has the potential to cause trouble with my ex-wife - it has in the past - and there's always the risk of people reacting badly, say, at work. "That guy's a pervert!" is a constant risk. What if this blog entry came up on the inevitable Google search when I'm applying for my next job? There's nothing wrong with it - I do nothing illegal or, at least in my opinion, immoral - but there are people who disagree with at least the latter point there... And it's easier to not give them ammunition.

So is that me wimping out? To an extent, yes. In the same way I couldn't care less that some of my friends smoke weed as long as they don't shove it in my face, most of them don't care - but some do, and the ones who do almost invariably care in a negative way.

So... The episode. It was interesting, because it talked a lot about poly/open relationships, and how to introduce the idea to kids. When it's okay, when it's not... And the real takeaway is, the kids should probably be the last to know. It helps, though, if it's not weird or strange to the child - if it's just status quo. A secret shared with a kid, won't be... So it's easier to start under that assumption. If there's going to be friction, you - as the adult - should take that friction on yourself, not impose it on them. If you have to come out to your parents, especially if the kid in question has a relationship with them, do it first. If it's going to touch on other things - like doctors offices, or school districts, or whatever - figure that out first. If it's going to turn into a major social thing in the neighbourhood, or a problem professionally, then maybe it's just a bad idea up front.

In some ways, it's far easier now - after all, the definition of a marriage, a relationship, or a family is broadening so much that this is becoming easier. A couple of decades ago, divorces were rather more rare, let alone same-sex couples. A “normal parenting family” has gone from a kid with a mother and a father, to a kid with two mother/father pairs... And it’s a smaller step from there to a kid with two mothers, or two fathers. Or, in my case, my son and his three mothers plus one father. I feel like the step is even smaller – in most non-closed-minded, non-bigoted circles – from three mothers and a father to four mothers and a father... At least for most of us.

I guess my point is, it gives me hope.

1 comment:

  1. Here's some additional material on kids in poly families you might find interesting: http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2013/10/children-stigma-and-polyamorous-families.html. And a more personal bit of writing on the subject: http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2012/04/24/can-having-children-and-polyamory-mix/

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