So one subject that comes up a lot in the area of polyamoury is the question of children when their parents are poly. For that matter, it comes up a lot in many non-standard relationships, but - in my experience at least - poly is the place it comes up most outside of homosexual couples. The question as it relates to same-sex couples, though is a major conversation point in media, drawing fire from both sides; while the children of poly families don't get much screen time. The discussion - to some level - does show up both in media and news, with shows like Sister Wives and the recent news stories about the United Effort Plan out in Utah/Arizona, but even when the focus shifts to the children from the parents it's all too often about child abuse, inappropriate living environments, and similar problems. So what's the real deal with children in poly relationships? The answer, possibly surprisingly, is "very little that isn't also true of every other relationship out there".
Children of polyamorous relationships really, for the most part, don't live significantly different lives than children of non-polyamorous relationships any more. There are variations from "traditional" families but - with a drastically higher divorce and multiple-marriage rate, the increasing legality of same-sex couples, and partners who form families while never marrying - poly folk hardly have a monopoly on that at this point. Lets address a few of those points - arguments I've heard or read in my research - specifically.
1) "Raising kids in a family with three or more parents is confusing/dangerous for the kids." This has been said directly to me, and is so absurd I don't even know where to start. I've never seen statistics on it but I'm 100% convinced a "standard two-parent family", when it comes to child-raising, is an almost total myth. Single parents and divorced-and-remarried parents are incredibly common at this point. My son has four parents - his biological mother, his biological mother's wife, me (his biological father), and my wife. Even ignoring the marriage statistics, though, parenting is not a biological function - it's a tribal function. "It takes a village to raise a child" may be trite, but it's accurate; most children have siblings, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, cousins, family friends, teachers, coaches, and dozens of other folks impacting their upbringing - having two parents isn't magical, and can't be considered in isolation. Imagining that a close-knit, faithful three-person parenting group is somehow inherently less stable or correct than two parents is ignorant and arrogant to the extreme.
2) "You'll never know whether the kids are yours or one of the other men's." First, this assumes a level of fluid bonding which isn't necessarily normal - a woman having unprotected sex with multiple men. If that's what's going on, and I assume everyone involved knows about it, you're literally laying your own bed here. Second, paternity tests - they're damned cheap at this point. Walmart sells them for $25. If it means that much to you, or there's a specific financial/legal reason you need to know, find out. Third, there's a difference between biological paternity and family. Ash may have zero biological relation to my son, but she's an amazing mother to him - the extent of how well her and my parenting styles mesh is one of the reasons we got married. If you're in a poly family, worry more about bringing the kids up in a safe and healthy manner and less about whose child they are.
3) "Raising kids from multiple parents together can confuse them." Again, how is this any different from half-siblings or step-siblings from parents with a second marriage? Or children being raised in close proximity to cousins? Children make their family with the people around them. It doesn't matter if they're related or unrelated; it matters who they love and who loves them.
4) "Open/poly relationships are a bad example for the children, teaching them unhealthy relationship patterns." This is one of those arguments which is sortof half-true and can be hard to fight, but the real answer is that *unhealthy relationships* teach children bad relationship patterns - this argument is no more than prejudicially classifying "poly" as "bad" or "unhealthy". In my experience and research, the average open/poly relationship is *more* healthy than your average monogamous one because of a combination of more communication between the members of the relationships and the higher likelihood that everyone's needs are being met. A healthy poly or open relationship is no worse - in fact, probably better - an example for children than multiple sequential healthy monogamous relationships, and is far *better* for them than an unhealthy monogamous relationship. Put the blame where it really belongs.
5) "Children make open/poly relationships impossible to keep discreet." This objection always makes me laugh because of the number of times I've encountered or read about poly relationships who thought their kids were ignorant that "mommy's friend" or "mommy and daddy's roommate" was actually sleeping with them, only to find out that little Mary or Johnny knew all along. This isn't a new thing; parents have always had things they wanted to keep from their children. Affairs are the obvious one - daddy's little piece on the side or mommy's "wrestling" with the pool boy while daddy's at work - but it doesn't even have to be sinister. A divorced/widowed parent may not want their child to know about a new boy/girlfriend. A gay or bi parent - especially if the child is from a previous hetero marriage - may not want their child to know about their sexual orientation. A kinky parent may not want their child to find out about the dungeon in the basement. This isn't a new problem. The real answer here is "good parenting". Also this is closely related to...
6) "It's unfair to make kids keep secrets from family/friends/authority figures." This one is 100% true; it *is* grossly unfair to them, and telling them to keep it secret isn't the answer. If it's desperately important that someone not know about your relationship and you're unwiling or unable to keep it secret from your kids... Don't. Like I said before, if it's something you need to keep secret... Seriously consider if it's something you should be doing at all. It may not be fair to you to restrict you from being a family with your loved ones... But the other side of that is the cost of openly doing what you should be allowed to do.
Both these last ones here are very close to home for me. My son doesn't know Ash and I are open, or that I'm poly by nature. The closest we've ever gotten to addressing it was commenting on "Dad going out with a friend", which is about as innocent as it gets. Similarly, he doesn't know I'm kinky. This is partly because he's only 8, too young to truly understand all of the aspects of it... But it's more because I don't want to put him in a position of needing to keep secrets from his mother to protect me. His mother knows I'm kinky and knows I'm poly by nature (she does not, to the best of my knowledge, know that Ash and I are open), and it's something she has threatened to use against me in court before. For better or for worse, the courts are as a rule not friendly towards poly situations. It may come across as selfish, but I will say with 100% certainty that I'm protecting all of us - Ash, myself, my son and all our relationships - by simply avoiding the fight, because even if the courts take no steps as a reaction to that revelation the extra stress between his parents can be nothing but bad for the boy.
Right now, with no permanent partner in the picture, it's not hard to just totally divorce those two parts of my life. If at some point we *do* have a permanent third partner living with us... In the short term, my son is only with me part time, and that third partner will be Mike and Ash's roommate. And in the long term, when I think both he's old enough to fully understand the conversation and there's no real risk of retaliation from his mother finding out, he'll know the truth - the whole truth.
Children complicate things - they always do. It's your responsibility as a parent to do the best for them that you can. Always remember that kids learn what they're taught - if you teach them that being open or poly is something to be ashamed of, that's what they'll know; and if you teach them nothing more complicated that the third or fourth person are nothing more than family, that's how they'll grow up. It isn't any different from any other relationship, when you get back down to it; not a single issue children raise are unique to poly relationships. All of them are shared by gay parents, or divorced parents, or widowed parents, or even just traditional purely two-parent families. Don't over-complicate the issue - just raise them as any other child should be raised, and you'll be fine.
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