Opening Up Your Mind

On the first of my five overnight business trips, back in May, my coworker (who was driving me) and I had a very long conversation on the way there and back. We had a good 4-5 hours of driving and topics roved from books to movies to music to work to relationships to hobbies to houses to our ex-marriages. It was obvious on the way out I'd said something that confused her slightly, though, and on the way back I managed to figure out what it was. She'd asked a question and I'd responded with a comment about my "girlfriend", and to other questions I'd answered with comments about my "fiance", and there was enough of a conflict in the responses that she'd gotten confused. On the way home I asked her, and figured out what had happened - and I clarified by explaining the fact that the girlfriend I was referring to was not the same person as my fiance.

She was in many ways way more okay with it than I'd been expecting. She's now the second person at work who knows the situation, and it really was a bit of a risk; she's definitely more conservative than some. She took it remarkably well, though; she wasn't willing to at least openly object to it. It may be telling that she's carefully avoided the subject ever since. Which is fine; most people really aren't entirely comfortable with the idea. She was remarkably open about discussing it rationally rather than just reacting badly. For better or for worse, the idea of an open relationship or being polyamorous really isn't one that most people even understand very well.

Our US culture is very firmly rooted in the concept of monogamy, mostly because... Well, maybe I'll try to dodge most of the really controversial commentary at least for this entry. The fact remains that the general assumption up front in the dating scene and most relationships is one of monogamy. It doesn't help that "monogamy" means different things to different people. This is the first problem people run up against - misunderstandings or different understandings - but it's certainly not the last.

So what exactly is "cheating"? What constitutes breaching monogamy? Ask different people, and the following may or may not be allowed:

• Staring at another person
• Finding another person attractive
• Developing feelings for another person
• Flirting with another person
• Being close/best friends with someone who could be a potential love interest (bi/pan-sexuals have it rougher on this one...)
• Become "emotionally involved" with someone else (e.g. fall in love with them)
• Hugging another person
• Cuddling another person
• Being sexually involved with another person
• Have a "relationship" with another person (e.g. dating)

I think it's fairly obvious that the ones near the end are "cheating" on a monogamous relationship, but some of them aren't even - in my opinion - under control of the person in question. Sure, no matter how I feel about someone, I can avoid getting naked and having sex with another woman; but how could I possibly control whether or not I find someone attractive? And yet, with a number of my past relationships - including my marriage - just finding someone else attractive was considered "emotionally cheating".

You know, it's funny to me how much easier my current relationship is than so many of my relationships in the past. Even if we didn't have an open relationship Ash and I would at least be able to talk about it, which seems to be a rare commodity in general. It's somehow comforting to be able to discuss attractive women we see - our tastes are different but overlap, so it's occasionally also amusing. But Ash is willing to admit that there's a lot of factors here not in our control, and that's a good place to start.

If I pass a sexy woman in the street, I notice. Most people do. The fact that she's a body type I like is an objective statement. If I notice her, the fact that I find her attractive is also an objective statement. The first place my actual judgement, my conscious choice, comes in is when I respond to that fact. I can just ignore it; I can be creepy and stare; I can strike up a conversation and flirt; or any of a number of other possible things... But why would you judge someone on the pieces not under their control? Why would you hold how someone *else* looks against your partner?

Be willing to talk. Be willing to discuss and be open to the fact that you aren't the only person your partner will ever possibly be attracted to on any level. Very few people get married to and die with their first ever girlfriend; if you were even the second person they dated, it should be blatantly obvious that there were other options out there. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that fact! There's nothing wrong with being human... And part of being human is other people. Remember that, and your relationships will probably be far happier.