2014/08/15

...And the Light Side

So obviously not everything about polyamoury is bad. It's very easy for me to dwell on the downsides of poly relationships; not because I've suffered so terribly with it (in the grand scheme of things, I haven't), not because of the terrible relationships my friends have had (though at least one has - had, soon, we hope - a really neglective punk of a husband I'm not a fan of)... Just because I've seen and heard of too many cases where one person just blithely jumps into a poly relationship, convinced it's the best thing they could ever do and totally unaware of the consequences... Usually ending in less sadness and more anger. So I'm always very cautious.

That being said, I don't want to sound like I'm down on it - from my comments about my own life it should be obvious I'm not, since I'm functionally open/poly myself. When they're healthy, poly relationships really do have a huge upside. So why are people poly? Why are people open? What do they get out of it? It varies from person to person, and also frequently varies between open and poly relationships,  but here are a few things.

To some people, being in an open or poly relationship is a nigh-endless source of "new relationship energy" - or NRE, as it's usually referred to. Meeting a new person can be a huge rush. Getting to know them, exploring them, finding out how you mesh and merge can really charge a person up, and it's almost like an addiction. Some people do it to continue to get that feeling.

Some people do it to meet different needs. My need for companionship, for example, is generally separate from my needs around sadism and dominance; getting them all fully met with a single person is... Not incredibly likely. Most everyone has different needs in different areas and at different times... And sometimes, it just makes more sense to meet them with different people.

Another rather obvious possible reason is that of variety. Some people, for lack of a better way to put it, get bored easily. Continueing to date openly to keep that variety going, for some people, is about the only way to make a permanent relationship with someone else viable. The only alternatives, to some people, are being single or cheating; and there's nothing inherently wrong with a person being functionally unable to be monogamous, just like there's nothing inherently wrong with a person being functionally unable to be polyamorous.

Some people - especially those in long-term, close-knit relationships - do it because of the extra support it can generate. In a lot of healthy relationships, your girlfriend or wife or significant other is your greatest supporter and biggest source of external strength; if  you have two partners instead of one, they can each be a similar source of the same strength and support. This means, of course,  in relationships with more than two people when one is upset or sick there are more people to take care of them; and when one *isn't* in the mood, you're far more likely to have someone to fool around with...

The most basic thing that I've seen or experienced, though, that people get out of being poly is simply expressing their natural feelings. In any monogamous relationship people have to suppress feelings for those who aren't their primary partner; an open or poly relationship usually takes that restriction away and allows for far more honesty between the people involved.

So yes, as long as the relationship is healthy - by mostly the same definition as I would use to describe a healthy monogamous relationship - and whatever complications it brings, there's a lot of benefit you can get from a poly relationship. People may or may not agree, but to me it's worth the trouble.

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