Jealousy is one of the most endemic human conditions you'll ever encounter; it frequently astounds me how much so. I've been more or less held hostage by past girlfriends (and my ex-wife), being forced to disassociate from female friends in order to preserve my relationship. It's astounding what you can be convinced makes sense by someone you're attracted to or invested in, especially when you're insecure and confronted by the handicap of a confused or mistaken sexual identity.
I really have very little idea how much this happens to other people outside my immediate experience, but it's been endemic to one degree or another in my own relationship history and that of the people I grew up with. The worst was my ex-wife - about whom I could, were I feeling unusually masochistic that day, go on for hours - but it's happened with numerous other girlfriends as well, on dozens of individual occasions. So many people live in a haze of restrictions and problems and jealousy, and it's so normal in our relationship that half they time they don't even realize it.
Being poly doesn't really solve any of those issues - unsurprisingly, it makes them worse for all sorts of reasons. A lot of glib comments about poly folk having it great and lots of sex and no problems and... It's all so crazy. And for today, I thought I'd address a few of them.
The biggest one, unsurprisingly, is jealousy; and this is honestly the one that stops more people than anything else from being in open relationships. It can be difficult to see the person you're with be with someone else. The reaction from many folk when confronted by the idea of their partner being with other people is "Why am I not good enough for them?"... A question which is sure to start a fun conversation.
The problem here, of course, is that sometimes that *is* the answer; but that's less of an indictment than it may at first appear. It's... Hard to find someone who will meet all your needs. Not just because compromise is a major part of relationships; but more simply because so many people have partially or wholly conflicting needs. There's nothing wrong with getting parts of your needs met by different people... Until jealousy kicks in and those people conflict with each *other*.
Unfortunately, in many cases there's going to be very little you can do about this. Most jealousy is - at its heart - the product of insecurity, so sometimes this can be resolved simply by proving the person's fear is unfounded. This isn't always a viable option, though - sometimes the insecurity is too deeply seated.
Never forget that this type is feeling is valid. One of the biggest problems I've encountered with poly folk in the past is the idea that everyone either is or should be poly. You'd think that with the level of intolerance poly practitioners meet in some areas, they'd be more accepting in their own right - less intolerant of *monogamous* folk.
Poly isn't for everyone. Some people (some tiny minority) really do find a perfect partner who meets all their needs... And of the vast majority where that isn't true, many do find a partner they're perfectly content compromising for. Relationships, partnering, is compromise; you're sharing your life with someone else, and it won't always be exactly what you wanted or assumed. Maybe the person's unwillingness or discomfort with being in a poly relationship is insecurity; or jealousy; or fear; or possessiveness; or discouraging past experience; or social conditioning; or any of a number of other possible things. No matter how invalid it may be *in your own mind*, remember that it's valid *to them*. You have the right to disagree - hopefully respectfully - and discuss it, even try to sway them to your point of view... But they have the right not to change their minds.
Monogamous folks, whatever the reason they choose to be that way, have every much as right to be monogamous as poly folk do to be polygamous. Failing to respect that is just sad hypocrasy.
Beyond those emotions, however, there are still other problems with poly relationships; and the next biggest one is the sheer amount of work it takes. Relationships take *work*. You have to put effort into maintaining all of your relationships. Depending on the exact nature of those relationships, maybe it's not hard; having one primary partner and a large number of tertiary partners is perfectly viable, for example. Partners who lean towards being purely sexual or activity-based relationships rather than emotionally attached partners tends to take less effort - just time. The more involved you are with your partners, however, the more of an investment you have in the person, the more thinly spread you become having multiple partners.
This isn't really something you necessarily need to fix; it's more accurate to say that this helps shape your relationships. I'm not currently dating anyone; but when I am dating someone it eats up time. I spend time talking with them, texting them, concentrating on them, actually physically going out with them, just as I do with Ash. Of course for me and my occasionally-confusing demisexual nature the line isn't quite so clearly defined (my motivations and relationships are just different than most), but the same applies to any polygamous person with their own quirks and differences.
Communication in a poly relationship, of course, gets far more complicated. It's bad enough trying to keep abreast of everything when you only have one primary partner; trying to give that level of attention to two primary partners (or a primary and one or more secondary partners) is far more complicated.
The last big downside I'll mention is that being in a poly relationship - even if, or especially if, you're the monogamous partner of a poly person rather than directly poly yourself - imposes entirely new problems on you that you may never encounter in another relationship. Things like dealing with the downside of your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend's "NRE" (New Relationship Energy, the rush they get when they get a new girlfriend/boyfriend), or dealing with their significant other's breakup.
Break-ups can be exceptionally ugly in poly relationships depending on exactly how it falls out. With a couple or monogamous pair, if there's a breakup, there's normally no really complicated emotional entanglements to sort out. It may be painful, the two of you may not agree... But once the decision for the relationship to dissolve is made, it only *directly* affects the two of you. In a poly relationship, the possibility exists for a relationship to *partially* dissolve, and this gets incredibly complicated incredibly quickly. If my three fake poly folk Alfred, Bobby and Christine are in a relationship, and Alfred and Bobby decide to cut off their ties... What happens? Does it transition from a triad to a V? Does either Alfred or Bobby leave entirely, changing the threesome into a couple? What if Christine's relationships with both men are still strong - does it convert to a vee? Does the entire relationship end and dissolve entirely? You end up in a situation where your relationship with a single person is intimately tied to your relationship with someone else, and they can affect each other in ways monogamous folk are not confronted with.
When it comes down to it, this category isn't really drastically different from things you may encounter with your friends and family; being poly just drags it into relationships in a way that doesn't happen to monogamous folk. It's the same problems, but more... Intimate and possibly intense. New wrinkles on the same issues you've always had.
The summary here, of course, is that being polygamous (successfully and fairly, at least) isn't easy; it's work, it's difficult, and it's not for everyone. Never forget your communication, never forget the feelings of the people you're with, and never forget they have a right to those feelings! If you make sure everyone's needs are being met, it'll work out. Just never forget that some days, "working out and meeting everyone's needs" means breaking up, if your needs indicate another partner or poly relationship, while their needs exclude it. Be honest with yourselves, address it carefully but directly, and you'll find a place that's best for both of you.
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