The Casual Perv

The articles Ash pointed me about about the poly trio's marriage have definitely set the theme for my this side of my thoughts for the week. The tone of them was a little... Strange to me, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it. Still, vague sensation of discomfort aside, I love what they represent - their brazen disregard for society's pressure - and their bravery in doing it. They talked about the fact that Kitten's father had stopped talking to her for a while when she came out to him, and how important it was to her that they'd reconnected in time for this to happen.

I was at Barnes and Noble yesterday buying a book - "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, if you're curious - and at some point was struck by the hilarity of the situation. Here I am paranoidly separating my kink-focused and professional lives pretty strictly online, so I spend my lunch break walking through a store at the mall with dozens of people looking at me, holding a book with a provocative title and then having an in-depth, intimate relationship with the cashier on the subject:

"Did you find everything you were looking for?"

*hands her the book* "Yup."

"Do you have a membership with us?"

"Yup, if you wouldn't mind looking it up for me."

"Here you are! That's this much. Would you like your receipt in the bag?"

"Yes please."

"Have a great day!"

"You too."

And like that, I was outed as a pervert.

Well, maybe not intimate or in-depth... But quite often this is how it happens, something trivial, something easy, something... Well, if not innocent, at least trite and mundane. And that's very much what it is, to some people - coming out in the same sense as coming out as gay or lesbian or dominant or submissive or anything else. Coming out isn't about being gay - it's about being afraid of being accepted... And if there's one thing endemic to all humans everywhere it's fear, especially the fear of rejection. Everyone has their own prejudices, their own blind spots, and touchy areas... And for better or for worse it affects us every day. This cashier ignored it openly, but I have no idea what she was thinking. Was she as totally indifferent as she seemed? Was she secretly disgusted and upset to even be touching the book? Was she curious? Amused? Excited?

It's not actually the reaction that scares me - it's not knowing beforehand what the reaction will be. I mean, someone refusing to talk to me because of how I feel or how I act or how I handle my relationships, would be upsetting. If I care for someone, or if they're important to me in some manner, obviously I want them to reciprocate. I can look at this, the situation, and admit I'm deathly afraid of telling my family about my kinks - not because I'm convinced they're going to be upset, but because I don't know if they'll be upset. I don't know if my mother and father will shrug and make some sarcastic comment and move on, or if they'll freak out and refuse to talk to me for a year. My fiance and I are going away with my family for a week this summer - is it worth risking their being upset beforehand and ruining or cancelling the trip? Our wedding is scheduled for August - is it worth risking my parents not coming if they aren't okay with the life I'm living?

It's often something trivial. Right now, I'm very pointedly (though I hope subtly) outing myself to my sister. She's a contact of mine on Goodreads; and while the stream of books has been silly and pointless for the most part for the most part (sci-fi, fantasy, the odd martial arts book), she's started getting a trickle of e-mails saying "Your brother is reading badly-written bondage erotica" and "Your brother is reading books exploring BDSM, kink, and open relationships". Call it a very tentative foot in the water, and even though this is exactly the type of thing that outs people by accident, I'm doing it intentionally. Probably not as effectively outed as when I accidentally left my copy of "The Secret Life of a Submissive" (by Sarah K) on the floor and Ash's family came over... But still there. Because to me, having parsed my way through these thoughts over the last years and consciously making the decision about how I really I identify to myself, I feel like I'm lying to them now by not identifying that way to them as well.

I don't remember where the quote came from, but I heard recently a line I agree 100% with - your sex life is private, but your love life is public. In my case it's not a matter of introducing my boyfriend instead of my girlfriend, but at some point it may be a matter of introducing my fiance and my girlfriend... Or god forbid, my fiance and my slave. I don't like the idea of lying about the status of my "friend" when they come up around my family. At the end of the day if my family is going to love me, they need to love me for who I am and not for who I think they want me to be.

That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? Disappointment. I don't want them to be disappointed in their son or their brother, to believe I'm making mistakes or living the wrong life... But it's the life I'm going to live either way. And it's terrifying, utterly terrifying. But I'm working on it... And for those of you who haven't, I hope you look at the example of the three girls above and work on it too.

As an aside, I will partially retract my bile from several entries ago - "50 Shades of Kink" is actually by Tristan Taormino, who I've had reason recently to investigate further and who I believe should be respected for her efforts to expand awareness and equal protection for nonmonogamy, gay rights and sexual expression in general. In fact, I have very strong motivation to get a copy of her "Opening Up" to read. I will, however, continue my grumpiness with the "50 Shades of X" titling scheme that still seems to dominate the industry.