Collaring

Daphne, of everyone I know and talk about the subject with - and also of all the people I know read this - is the newest to the whole kink scene, so I asked her what she would be interesting in hearing more about... And the answer she came up with is "Collars". This falls back into the area of "Things Daphne has heard only one opinion on", and she was even kind enough to send me the link to a recorded commentary. The recording there is two of Daphne's friends (someone I don't know), speaking of their own experience; but my conversations with Daphne made it clear that I don't necessarily agree entirely with them... And so she asked me to clarify. With Belle's (the friend's) permission, the original link to it in her Tumblr is here, with Daphne's transcription:

http://hislittleharlotstarlet.tumblr.com/post/86125046555/second-question-what-is-your-view-on-collars-i-know

Inquiry:
[What] is your view on collars? I know they mean different things to different people but I feel like they hold, or should hold more significance in true D/s or DD/lg relationships.

Belle:
First of all, again, I’m going to emphasize- and I know you probably didn’t mean it that way but- for anyone who is reading this or listening to this, I very much feel there is no such thing as true D/s or DD/lg, it’s whatever you make it.

Merida:
Exactly.

Belle:
I know you didn’t mean it that way, probably. But just for clarification for anyone else who’s going “Oh! Belle and Merida advocate the true way”. No we don’t, there is no true way.

Merida:
I don’t even know what that means.

Belle:
[Laughing] … actually. What is my view on collars? I… I very much view collars almost on the same level as a marriage contract. They’re very serious to me, and I know they aren’t to everybody, but to me they are very serious which is probably why it’s taken so long for me to be okay to be collared. To me, having a collar around my neck, symbolizes that even though things might get incredibly difficult, I am going to stick to this dynamic. It’s like marriage, like the difference between dating and marriage. When you’re dating somebody I feel like- and again this is just my personal opinion- I feel like there’s more room for error when you’re dating someone. I feel like certain things, mistakes that might happen or you know big arguments or things that are said in the heat of anger can happen during dating and be forgiven, whereas like if that same instance happened with that intensity when you’re married it’s more like a “Oh my God, you are not taking this as seriously as I thought you would.” For me, being collared is like that next step. Like marriage is the next step to dating, in solidifying like, “okay, I’ve fooled around enough, this is what I really want, this is, this is it.” So it’s very serious to me and I take it very seriously. So that is, that is how I view collars I guess.

Merida:
I agree with you, I mean…

Belle:
Maybe you should star answering first, I feel bad. I like take all of your words and then you’re like…

Merida:
No but I mean you put it in a good way. Like, collars are a very serious thing, they, in my opinion, they- it’s not something you take lightly. It’s like, it’s a commitment. Like any other commitment you make in your life, take it seriously. Just, like you know, what Belle said. What Belle said. She put it good. Well. Whatever.

So... What are my thoughts on collaring? And the problem is, here I want to hedge, because I'm of more than one mind, and I know how strongly some other people feel about it. Collaring is one of those things that people can get very worked up over - a lot of people have strong opinions, but those opinions vary so much that it can be a bit of a minefield at times. I guess what it really comes down to, however, is one of two major camps: those who consider it as an enormous commitment and those who don't consider it important at all. Belle and Merida, obviously, fall into the first category; but I'll start with the second.

One school of thought simply considers them a decoration or a tool, along with every other bondage implement in the toolbox (or, alternately, in the dungeon). And in this regard, they are excellent. If you've never taken the time to look at some of the variety of collars out there, consider some of these links:

• https://www.etsy.com/market/bdsm_collar
• https://www.etsy.com/search/handmade?q=slave+collar
• http://collarfactory.com/
• http://thecollarshop.com/
• http://www.leathermystics.com/collars/v_collars.html

And there are dozens, if not hundreds, more out there. They are cloth, synthetic, wooden, leather, metal, plain, jeweled, subtle, garish, utilitarian, decorative... They can be a fashion statement and they can be anchors for leashes and chains. They are used regularly as ways to immobilize or decorate, and they don't have to be anything more complex than that. I've seen people with a dozen or two collars in a bag, picking out the one that went best with their date's shirt or had d-rings in the exact right position for whatever it was they were about to do... And it doesn't have to be complicated.

Going back to Belle and Merida and the first group, they consider it equivalent to a marriage contract, and that's not a bad comparison. There's an impressive amount of material out there, including:

• What it means to be collared: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/05/what-it-means-to-be-collared/
• Collars and their Meaning: http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id4.html
• Collaring and Collaring Ceremonies: http://houseofvoid.com/2009/03/18/bdsm-101-collaring-and-collaring-ceremonies/
• What does a collar mean: http://kinkylittlegirl.wordpress.com/2009/12/21/what-does-a-collar-mean/ 

Those are all fairly good resources (for one opinion or another), and all from the first page of one Google search... And there are hundreds more out there, if not thousands.

The point is, though, that this view of collars gives them essentially the same status as an engagement ring, or wedding band, or a promise ring, or any other alternative. They're indicative of a new step, a new level of commitment, a new level of dedication... A sign that this is a permanent relationship and not just dating or fooling around. This level of commitment can come with a ceremony - which can be simple and heartfelt, exchanging or donning the collar... Or long and formal to rival any traditional wedding ceremony.

When you're in a BDSM relationship of any kind, when the idea of a collar come up... Make sure you understand its significance. Whatever significance you choose to put on it, make sure you and your partner agree - if one of you takes it more seriously than the other, it's a disaster (or at least an argument) waiting to happen.