A brief interlude...

Ash and I are away visiting family and dodging snow, and taking the end of this week off of writing. Hope everyone's Thanksgiving (as applicable) is going well!

I've discussed names and labels previous, including here: http://othersidesthoughts.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-kinster-by-any-other-name.html. It's one of my pet peeves, one of the things I think about most (outside of food, of course!), and I could rant on this for weeks and weeks if y'all let me. There's a comic I've linked to before as well - "Shades of A" (http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-cover/) and its immediate follow-on "Shades After" (http://www.discordcomics.com/category/comic/shades-after/) - about asexuality and the struggles asexuals and kinksters encounter. And for today, with minimal comment, I'll leave you with this one page where the last panel summarizes so perfectly how I feel about it:

http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-after-033/

Hope this Thanksgiving finds you all well, and my best wishes to you all and your families... Whether biological, chosen, or whatever else.

====

EDIT: This was posted two days early by mistake. I'm being lazy and moving it to its proper time. Sorry!!!

Maybe It's Rhetorical?

There's this movie trope, which I'm sure most people are familiar with -- the main character, in a beaten down moment, will find themselves inundated with the sound of voices repeating something over and over that perfectly describes the moment at hand. For me, when I'm having an off or bad day, the phrase that ricochets back and forth is, "So why are you even with him? Even with him? With him? Him?" (My mind has an echo, don't mind me.)

It's such a strange phrase given the circumstance of Mike and my relationship, and it's almost invariable said to me by men -- men, who, for the most part, are hoping to land a spot in my pants if things go right. Never mind the fact that I'm in a relationship with a structure that allows me to talk to other people in an otherwise questionable manner. The question haunts me though, as does the implication behind it.

How do you explain to someone *why* you're with someone when your sex drives and interests don't match? How do I say, "everything else is almost perfect for the most part" without sounding like I'm lying or over-exaggerating? How do I make someone understand that sex is important, but not necessarily in this particular relationship? It's such a strange concept to most people.

There's a part of me that is bothered simply because I don't think I would be questioned if I was a guy complaining that my partner/spouse/FWB didn't put out enough. We are raised with the idea that men "only want one thing" and women always have headaches. So not only is it strange to them that *I'm* the one complaining, but the situation itself flies in the face of our societal understanding of women's sexuality.

What's worse is the follow-up to this question, which is usually something along the lines of, "what kind of man can't satisfy you?" This presupposes two things: that Mike isn't "man enough" because he doesn't constantly think with his penis, and two, that it can't be that my sex drive *is* actually pretty far out there (I mean, what kind of pervert must I be if I can't be satisfied by a mere man?!). This line of conversation is actually a serious deal-breaker for me, for a number of reasons.

I can understand that being a secondary for a partnered person is difficult for single people. I have no problem with that. But if I'm going to step away from my primary relationship to give time to someone else, I want them to be respectful of my primary relationship (the same way I want Mike's partners to be respectful of me and I aim to be supportive and encouraging of their relationships as well). If they can't appreciate that I'm not being completely closed off from them despite being married, then I won't even give them the opportunity to be asked "why are you even with her?" from any of THEIR friends.

The second issue I have with the conversation is that I don't appreciate not being taken at my word. I understand we live in a world where a lot of people "put their best foot forward," but I'm too lazy and tired to dick people around like that. If someone presents themselves a specific way, I expect that to be authentic. When I say "I've never dated someone who could exhaust my sex drive," I'm not saying it to brag or titillate anyone. It's simply a fact (one I will explain at a later date, since it's not as straight forward a fact as it sounds, though it's still true), but I get a wink and a nod and a pat on the head -- "suuuuure, sweetie...uh-huh, I believe you..." -- and I'm not into age play, so being treated like an immature child makes me angry.

Sex and intimacy are important to me, and yes, being married to someone who doesn't have the same ideas regarding physical contact is often difficult and frustrating on both sides. But that isn't the end-all-be-all -- I'd rather have the companionship, the similar interests, compatible parenting styles, the laughs, the respect...even if, in the end, we never have standard penis-in-vagina intercourse ever again. I have my toys, I have my options...and I have a husband who makes me laugh and doesn't mind that I find other people attractive.

At the base of it, I'm not sure how anyone would question it. Why would I *not* be with him? I can have my cake and eat it too, more or less. I have a good man at home who loves me enough to say I can go get my needs met elsewhere as needed. Maybe I should just assume that people question it because they're jealous of how awesome my situation is. It's not appreciated, but I can't really blame them.

'Haters gonna hate,' I guess?

Tomorrow is a New Day

So a while back, I found two articles by a woman called Helen Croydon:

http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2014/04/screw-fairy-tale-it-s-time-rethink-monogamy

and

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118931/monogamy-rare-new-commitment-currency

Anyone who's read any of my blog knows my opinions on open/poly vs. monogamous won't be surprised by the fact that I agree wit most of what they say; still, it's worth looking at it from another perspective. Those numbers in the 2nd paragraph of the 2nd story really scary me... But they don't surprise me. I've encountered that type of thing before; hell, I've been in relationships like that before.

Out of her online survey, 7 people out of 100 said that just thinking about another person was cheating - was unacceptable. This happened to me in my first marriage; my ex-wife was so upset by the thought I might find another woman attractive, without ever saying anything, without ever acting on it... Just the idea that I might find another woman attractive was cheating to her... Which is patently absurd. Not all human thought is conscious. Most human emotion isn't conscious. No human can meet that standard. It may not happen immediately, it may not happen every day, but eventually you'll see someone on TV or walk past someone on the street who happens to push your button; and you'll find tem attractive. It's not like that's a problem; it's not that it's unreasonable. It's that some people are so insecure and jealous that they can't handle human nature.

Relationships are just so... Fragile, these days. Maria made a comment earlier today about "never having had a successful relationship", which I objected to; most people have very poor ideas of how relationships are supposed to work. A relationship not lasting forever is seen as a failure by almost everyone I know; but that's just as absurd as saying that you'll never be attracted to anyone except the person you're with. Relationships start, and relationships end. They change, they evolve, they aren't always recognizable as what they originally were... But most relationships end quickly. Why? Because you're not meant to be together. You get to know each other... And that process indicates you aren't meant to stay forever.

In either of these cases, why has the relationship failed? Because it didn't meet some unrealizable ideal. Our culture has idealized this holy state of "dating" or "being in a relationship", when all it really means is you both get something out of spending time with the other person. And this is where I stumble with respect to monogamy - because I get something out of every relationship I have, not just ones that end up naked and in bed.

I love my friends. In a very real sense, that's how I define friendship; my friends are the people who I care about. I get something out of my relationships with them, or I wouldn't care about them. Some of them are sexual; some of them are platonic. Some are same-sex, some are opposite-sex. Some are based in our professional lives, some are based in our gaming lives, some are based in our kink lives, some are based in our sporting/martial arts lives... They're all different; but they all bring me something else, some value, something better than my life would be without.

As Ash said... Even the labels "monogamous" and "non-monogamous/open/poly" aren't always fair. I didn't go into this relationship, this marriage, intending to be monogamous; or intending to be polyamorous; or even thinking hard about it. I went into this relationship realizing we enjoyed each other, and looking for something stable. In my own geeky pseudo-scientific thoughts, it's a higher-energy stable condition. She had a stable life without me; I had a stable life without her; those two lives went away, and now we have a stable life together. Our life together is better than our lives apart... So we're still together. Not complicated. But my dating and being attracted to other people doesn't change that stability. It doesn't change that our life is still together just because I'm involved with other people. In fact, sometimes it's even better still because we're together and I'm seeing other people.

My need for companionship and my need for a submissive are, for the most part, exclusive. I still choose to believe it's theoretically possible one person could fulfill them both; but I've not found someone who does, not properly. Ash is the best companion I've ever had; my best friend, my lover, my wife, (step-)mother to my child. But she isn't my submissive; and the fact that I don't have one makes me sad. Having a sub fills a hole somewhere in me... And that makes my life better, and - as a result - the lives of everyone I relate to better, even if only indirectly.

It's not a hard concept; it's just hard for people to accept they're not losing something when their boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or spouse also loves someone else. Hearts aren't finite; but brains are jealous. And it's that jealousy, that unwillingness to admit the very lack of loss, that leaves our society where it is today.

Maria is a friend who I lost touch with for many years, and we reconnected essentially by accident. We agreed in principle, a couple of days ago, to negotiating for her to become my slave; a process that, right now, I expect will take a while to sort out. I'm cautious and want to make sure we both understand each other, but I'm excited; this has the potential to be very good for both of us. And Ash? Ash is really excited. She isn't excited because she'll lose some of my time; and she's not yet met Maria, so she's not excited at getting a chance to have this woman around. She's excited because her husband, her love - me - has a chance to have a hole in his life filled, and she knows it's a chance for the life of everyone involved to be a bit better.

I'm very lucky to have this opportunity. Do I know how it's going to work out? No. We may just never be able to come to agreement about what limits and rules we can live with; we may never quite get to the place where we can say "Yes, Maria is my slave and we're both content." But we might; and we like that prospect... And we know that if we don't get there, it isn't a failure for us. There aren't illusions about perfection or permanence, not yet. Hopes? Sure. There always are. But for now... It's one day at a time, as we all work to be in a better place tomorrow.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

A brief introduction

I was originally going to write something different for today, but before I got too far into this blog-writing dealie, I wanted to take a moment and introduce myself, since a lot of people only know me as "Ash, illustrious other half of resident kinkster Mike Miner." While this is true, I'm arguably more than that, and I'm hoping to prove myself to be worth reading.

So! A few bullet points, in no particular order:

• While Mike is more on the lifestyle-kink train, my perviness has mostly been grounded in hypothetical sexual things. Despite these being more socially acceptable (in comparison to some kinks and interests), my partners have largely found my interests a little strange and/or unorthodox.
• I wouldn't label myself a sub or submissive, but my general attitude leans toward making sure other people are getting something out of whatever is going on before I do. 
• That selflessness has halted somewhat now that I have found myself with someone who sees me as worthwhile beyond my ability to satisfy them in bed. Mike will often reference my high sex drive while I point to my previous and long-held belief that the best way to show love and affection is through a basic willingness to do whatever is requested of me...which has not always worked to my advantage, so it's nice that Mike doesn't take me up on this terribly often.
• I'm not inherently monogamous nor non-monogamous: mostly just open-minded in how to achieve a stable relationship. I'm also not particularly jealous, which is helpful.
• I'm bisexual but hate the word; I'd say I'm 'pansexual' except, more often than not, no one knows what that means or implies.
• The older I get, the more picky I am about my partners. This, when combined with my increasing preference for being a hermit means I don't really take advantage of some of my marriage's freedoms.

My real goal in all of this is to have a space to say the things I can't in most of the circles I run in: namely the more off-beat and "perverted" things  I can't really explain or talk about to my office mates or family. My knowledge and understanding is a lot different from Mike's, but there is enough of a thematic overlap that we think I will be a worthwhile addition to the blog.

-Ash.

A Little Practice Goes a Long Way

I don't believe it's come up before, but I happen to practice two martial arts. I've been doing one about three years, one about a year; and as it stands (unless something drastic changes) I'll be testing for black belt in the one some time next year. My son - 8 this year - does the same two martial arts (for about six months and three years, but the other ways around) and will be testing for black belt in his preferred art either next year or early the year after. I love it; and it's changed my life, my health, and my outlook on a number of things. One of the ways in which it's changed my perspective - almost in a silly way - is how I look at black belts. It's very easy to fall into society's normal view of black belts as sortof the be-all and end-all of martial artists. A black belt is the mystical master of martial arts who wins every fight... But that's really not how it is at all.

My instructor has black belts in three arts; in fact, between them he has 16 total Dan. He has in fact been doing this - as a student and then an instructor - for almost 30 years now, and he'll be the first to tell you he doesn't know all there is to know. My next test in my preferred art is for recommended black belt - and I can look at what I know, what I do, and know I have years before I feel comfortable calling myself "good" at what I do.

The whole "black belt" idea isn't even all that old, and as far as I can tell originated in Japanese go schools... But Wikipedia summarizes it like this:

 The black belt is commonly the highest belt color used and denotes a degree of competence. It is often associated with a teaching grade though frequently not the highest grade or the "expert" of public perception.

All a black belt means in most arts is that you aren't a total amateur. You know enough to be considered competent, and maybe even to help pass along what you know... But invariably, you have a long way to go before you're a master or one of the really skilled few.

Maria is a friend of mine from back in high school. I don't remember exactly how we met - drama? Music? Something outside of school? I don't think we shared any classes at any point - but we had a large number of overlapping friends, so I suppose it would have been inevitable either way. After we were both out of school we lost touch for a number of years... But we recently reconnected and have spent quite a bit of time talking about our mutual kinks and interests.

To be completely fair, more of that "time talking about our mutual kinks and interests" than I'm really comfortable admitting has been me whining because I don't have a slave right now... But that's a different subject she can make fun of me for later. But the reason I'm bringing her up is because on of her closest friends - I don't think "girlfriend" is the right word, but it's not totally out of line - has expressed at least some interest in BDSM, and we exchanged thoughts (some serious, some decidely not so) on the idea of introducing her to submission and training her.

Training isn't exactly a rare topic in BDSM. There's always a steady stream of new victims (literally or figuratively); people get started every day in more different ways than you can count, and all of them have to start somewhere. That "somewhere" is some form of education - whether they're foolish and just dive in to get their first lessons on the job (so to speak), or whether they get a formal education at the hands of a "Master" (so to speak), or anything in between... The learning is there. The biggest reason, though, is because of something I've said before; everyone seems to have a subtly different opinion on how it all works. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but the side effect is that every time you encounter a new partner you're trying to mesh subtly differing systems that frequently aren't quite compatible. That means every time you meet a new partner you're learning another way to do the same thing.

It's hard to find a good word to use for someone who knows what they're doing in the world of BDSM. Borrowing the most common term from martial arts - "Master" - is a loaded suggestion, and in general is a terrible place to start! Calling them a "pro" has implications of sex work... And not that there's anything inherently wrong with it, it's not the implication we want to make. I almost prefer the word "mature" - because the most distinguishing characteristic of them isn't necessarily a broad or deep level of knowledge; it's an admission that no matter how much they've already learned the people they interact with have something to offer. Experience is worth a lot, but humility - the willingness to avoid and address assumptions - is worth so much more sometimes.

So what kind of training is Kara - Maria's friend - going to get? Who is she going to get it from? I don't know. Hell, at this point, it's not a given she's going to take the plunge and do it! I think she would if Maria asked, but this isn't the type of thing you force someone you care for to do. Do I hope that, if Kara does move to being trained as a sub, I'll be able to help? Of course! I love teaching. I loved being a teacher's assistent in grad school; I love helping instruct the juniors at my martial arts school; and I love passing along what I know and what I think about BDSM. It's the heart of why I started this blog. I've been doing BDSM, in one form or another, for essentially 20 years now... And that's a lot of time to pick things up.

I know, though, that even with that kindof time dedicated to it, I'll never stop learning in this area. A couple of days ago I learned some fascinating ties for immobilizing elbows in front of a person; a month ago I learned fascinating things about suspension from piercings; last year I learned a lot about the relative benefits of using twisted wire for bondage of ropes or chains. I have no idea what I'll learn tomorrow, or next month, or next year... But I'm certain that it'll be something. I've never stopped learning in BDSM, and - thankfully - I don't believe I ever will.

I am posting this on behalf of Ash; however, going forwards, you should look forward to continued entries under her own name.

---

In Mike's last post, he discussed a recent Savage Lovecast episode where a caller wanted some input on how to handle the fact that his ex-wife told their daughter that their marriage ended because he cheated, with the truth of the situation being more complicated than it would appear. I wanted to weigh in on this, given I have some first-hand experience on the caller's daughter's end.

It was strange to learn that Mike's first marriage was basically a similar one to my parents', with the main difference being a gender swap. I knew at a very young age that my dad liked men and that this was why my parents weren't together anymore (they divorced when I was three-ish) -- but I don't actually remember the big reveal on the "gay thing" or on the "cheated on mom" thing -- I was just aware of it, enough to ask him about it over the years. What I do remember is that what bothered me wasn't the fact that he cheated (repeatedly) but the fact that he and his now-husband had such a caustic relationship, and he wasn't that great of a father.

Maybe it's a logic thing on my part where I can understand cheating if you can't live within the confines of your relationship. I understood why my dad would want to be with men (that's what gay men do), but what I didn't understand was why he married my mom and had me in the first place, given he didn't seem to really put his back into being a dad at all. He never fought for me, instead fighting around me, which didn't make me want to be there any more often than absolutely possible. Combine that with it never occurring to him to make sure I had space of my own at any of his apartments, and I felt uncomfortable and out of place every other weekend for sixteen years.

The fact is, Mike loves his son and his son knows it. They are very similar and I don't know what would happen if his mother told him damning things, regardless of whether or not they're true. Unlike my father, he tries to connect with his son and does his best to teach him how to be a good person. If his ex-wife decides to do something like spread lies or misinformation, then I'm hoping their son can balance it out with knowing Mike is his biggest fan.

The other side of it is that Mike doesn't actively talk about his ex-wife often unless his son brings it up. He has plenty of reason to villainize her, but he doesn't. She's still his son's mother and involving their son in their own issues just ultimately makes them look bad.

My point is, I guess, that telling personal truths to children can be rough but the way you combat them is to, as Dan Savage put it, "don't be a monster." Be a good parent to your kids and hopefully they'll judge you on that instead of just adding another log to the fire of you-in-effigy they've had burning for a while.