I'll encourage you all to read the interview, and - if it's your type of thing - check out the book. It's on my list now... As are a couple of her other books.
Showing posts with label Links. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Links. Show all posts
2015/02/20
Another book for the list...
Today's post is going to be a relatively short one. This is digging back a couple of years, but here's an interview on Salon with Hanne Blank, the author of "Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality."
2015/02/17
A Few Things Worth Knowing
The lovely Ash sent me this link:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm
Buzzfeed is often amusing, but recently I've been surprised at how intelligent it can be... And in this case, it's one of the most concise-and-yet-helpful resource I've found. It doesn't have the depth of information that
My only real problem with it - unsurprisingly, to those who know me - is #8. It's not even that it's wrong, so much as it's incomplete. Many - most, really - kinksters deal in scenes... But not everyone, and not all the time. I understand that that message scares people, because it's the frightening edge of our culture and society... But it's still valuable to the people who live out there to know they're not excluded even by other kinksters.
Anyway. There's certainly places where this list could be expanded... And the sheer number of books that cover individual points on this list should prove that beyond anyone's doubt. Still, this list is worth your time.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm
Buzzfeed is often amusing, but recently I've been surprised at how intelligent it can be... And in this case, it's one of the most concise-and-yet-helpful resource I've found. It doesn't have the depth of information that
My only real problem with it - unsurprisingly, to those who know me - is #8. It's not even that it's wrong, so much as it's incomplete. Many - most, really - kinksters deal in scenes... But not everyone, and not all the time. I understand that that message scares people, because it's the frightening edge of our culture and society... But it's still valuable to the people who live out there to know they're not excluded even by other kinksters.
Anyway. There's certainly places where this list could be expanded... And the sheer number of books that cover individual points on this list should prove that beyond anyone's doubt. Still, this list is worth your time.
2015/02/14
Bonus Links!
A good rant on the subject of 50 Shades of Gray:
http://babysubmissive.tumblr.com/post/110584059273/over-the-last-several-days-ive-seen-quite-a-few
http://babysubmissive.tumblr.com/post/110584059273/over-the-last-several-days-ive-seen-quite-a-few
2015/02/13
Dear Polly...
One of the various things I read online these days is Ask Polly, an advice column. Advice columns frequently amuse me, and I go through phases of reading them and not - mostly depending on the balance of how many of them recently have amused me vs. have disturbed or upset me. Just yesterday, though, was this one:
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-hating-myself.html
It's one I identify with. There are any number of differences, of course, but the core of his problem - self-acceptance - is my biggest battle and frequently the biggest problem of kinky people. It's not really too hard to understand why, either; after all, accepting one's being divorced or accepting one's being a vegetarian is easy - your friends, your family, your coworkers will all support you. Being kinky is sortof like being gay in this respect; some people people will love and support you anyway, some people will turn against you because of it, and some people - maybe most people - are happier never knowing. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, and yet it's hard to convince yourself of that when the world around you tries hard to convince you otherwise.
It could be worse; most of us can pass as norms. Many of us come across as eccentric or weird, but we can get by in everyday life. That's not true of all of us - some of us are stuck between being miserable and denying ourselves, or being excluded and even arrested. Some of us need help to avoid being a statistic - and a depressing statistic at that.
There are resources out there, and one of the most useful is the Kink-Aware Professional's Directory. It's not perfect and it's not complete, but it's a good starting point - and sometimes, the people on that list are the difference between freedom and jail time... Or life and death.
Even if you aren't kinky, remember how much the kinky people in your life need your support, your love, and - above all else - your acceptance.
http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-hating-myself.html
It's one I identify with. There are any number of differences, of course, but the core of his problem - self-acceptance - is my biggest battle and frequently the biggest problem of kinky people. It's not really too hard to understand why, either; after all, accepting one's being divorced or accepting one's being a vegetarian is easy - your friends, your family, your coworkers will all support you. Being kinky is sortof like being gay in this respect; some people people will love and support you anyway, some people will turn against you because of it, and some people - maybe most people - are happier never knowing. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, and yet it's hard to convince yourself of that when the world around you tries hard to convince you otherwise.
It could be worse; most of us can pass as norms. Many of us come across as eccentric or weird, but we can get by in everyday life. That's not true of all of us - some of us are stuck between being miserable and denying ourselves, or being excluded and even arrested. Some of us need help to avoid being a statistic - and a depressing statistic at that.
There are resources out there, and one of the most useful is the Kink-Aware Professional's Directory. It's not perfect and it's not complete, but it's a good starting point - and sometimes, the people on that list are the difference between freedom and jail time... Or life and death.
Even if you aren't kinky, remember how much the kinky people in your life need your support, your love, and - above all else - your acceptance.
2015/02/10
Coming Out as a Modern Family
Here are a couple of lovely links from last year:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/maria-bello-gay-article-1.1534522
I'll admit, I found these articles immensely uplifting. The way Jackson reacted to his mother's admission about Clare was as reassuring as it could have been. The article is such a good reflection of what I've tried to say, though, from end to end. This quote so carefully summarizes the fear we all have:
Maria Bello has anything but a traditional relationship; she has a close-knit relationship with multiple platonic and romantic/sexual partners... She's comfortable with it, though, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of her being able to be totally open and out about her lifestyle. And of course, it's a little different - at least, openly, it's different, not being kinky - but still... The bravery it must have taken is amazing.
The biggest lesson to take away from this, though, is the fact that Jackson came to her and asked if there was something she wasn't sharing. Children are observant, and very open about things; adults may not seem as observant, and are much more reserved about calling things out... But the people actually closest to you probably know more than you're telling them.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/maria-bello-gay-article-1.1534522
I'll admit, I found these articles immensely uplifting. The way Jackson reacted to his mother's admission about Clare was as reassuring as it could have been. The article is such a good reflection of what I've tried to say, though, from end to end. This quote so carefully summarizes the fear we all have:
“But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”
Maria Bello has anything but a traditional relationship; she has a close-knit relationship with multiple platonic and romantic/sexual partners... She's comfortable with it, though, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of her being able to be totally open and out about her lifestyle. And of course, it's a little different - at least, openly, it's different, not being kinky - but still... The bravery it must have taken is amazing.
The biggest lesson to take away from this, though, is the fact that Jackson came to her and asked if there was something she wasn't sharing. Children are observant, and very open about things; adults may not seem as observant, and are much more reserved about calling things out... But the people actually closest to you probably know more than you're telling them.
2015/02/09
Bonus Links!
A more accurate description of the 50 Shades movie...
http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/109944117836/fucknorapeapologists-the6thsiren-50-shades-of
http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/109944117836/fucknorapeapologists-the6thsiren-50-shades-of
2015/02/08
2015/01/25
2015/01/13
Going the Wrong Direction
I don't remember exactly where I found this, but I saw this article late last week:
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30735673
This article upset me a great deal in several ways. The most obvious one is the way they just lump any non-mainstream social behaviour into "mental disorders" and then pile up laws against it. It's just so... Alien to me. I understand that one of my myriad problems are that sometimes I just have a hard time relating to points of view that are too far alien to mine; and this is just one of those cases. It amazes me that in this day and age so many countries are willing to impose their own morality in the form of laws outlawing any lifestyle too far different from your own.
Of course, my own country - by adoption if not by birth - is not much better some days. South Dakota's ban on gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional just a few short hours ago, making it the 36th state to allow gay marriage. The 36th. With every single federal court case going in favour of gay marriage, you'd think that the states would see the writing on the wall and accept the inevitable, but instead all too many of them are fighting tooth and nail. It's taken decades to get this far, and the rearguard action from the conservatives on this particular losing battle is as pathetic as it is arrogant. Soon they'll turn back to their other remaining legal forms bigotry and things will settle down for another period of slow progress before another major hump gets crossed.
The line that upset me the most, though, actually wasn't the new law, or the way kink was lumped in with "other mental disorders". The piece that upset me the most was that the Russian Psychiatric Association didn't voice concern because it was asinine and based on something that wasn't reality; he voiced concern because, with the new law, people would avoid seeking psychiatric help.
It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me, with a number of things going on at work, at home, and in my personal life... But this really pushed my buttons. It isn't normally easy for me to get angry, but this really did push me over the edge.
Whatever. I'll see y'all in a few days - hopefully far more calm. And in the meantime, I'll proudly remember that me and my wife and almost every last one of my friends now cannot get a driver's license in Russia.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30735673
This article upset me a great deal in several ways. The most obvious one is the way they just lump any non-mainstream social behaviour into "mental disorders" and then pile up laws against it. It's just so... Alien to me. I understand that one of my myriad problems are that sometimes I just have a hard time relating to points of view that are too far alien to mine; and this is just one of those cases. It amazes me that in this day and age so many countries are willing to impose their own morality in the form of laws outlawing any lifestyle too far different from your own.
Of course, my own country - by adoption if not by birth - is not much better some days. South Dakota's ban on gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional just a few short hours ago, making it the 36th state to allow gay marriage. The 36th. With every single federal court case going in favour of gay marriage, you'd think that the states would see the writing on the wall and accept the inevitable, but instead all too many of them are fighting tooth and nail. It's taken decades to get this far, and the rearguard action from the conservatives on this particular losing battle is as pathetic as it is arrogant. Soon they'll turn back to their other remaining legal forms bigotry and things will settle down for another period of slow progress before another major hump gets crossed.
The line that upset me the most, though, actually wasn't the new law, or the way kink was lumped in with "other mental disorders". The piece that upset me the most was that the Russian Psychiatric Association didn't voice concern because it was asinine and based on something that wasn't reality; he voiced concern because, with the new law, people would avoid seeking psychiatric help.
It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me, with a number of things going on at work, at home, and in my personal life... But this really pushed my buttons. It isn't normally easy for me to get angry, but this really did push me over the edge.
Whatever. I'll see y'all in a few days - hopefully far more calm. And in the meantime, I'll proudly remember that me and my wife and almost every last one of my friends now cannot get a driver's license in Russia.
2015/01/09
I'm baaaaack!
Our move is, more or less, over. By the time you read this we'll have been in the new apartment for a week, have given up the keys to the old place, have moved everything over, have spent half a day cleaning, have argued with the local office manager, have fought tooth and nail against pets who feel it's their god-given duty to be pains in the ass, made dozens of trips up and down our new and exciting stairs... Generally the normal stress and effort of a move. But it's done - except for the last bit of unpacking and the new couch delivery in a week or so - and so it's slowly feeling more like home. Time to get back into the swing of things here!
So I found this picture on Tumblr, and it made me happy:
http://forgivemeprettybaby.tumblr.com/post/107342682135/darwincastillo-bdsm-positive-mental-health
But to quote it, it says:
First, let me just cheer this on! It's amazing. I did a very small amount of digging, and while this article actually looked fascinating:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
I suspect that this is the one it was referring to:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12192/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
getting full access through that site isn't cheap (without a subscription, it's $6 for a 48-hour pass, $15 for unlimited read-only access and $35 to actually buy a copy of the PDF), but I'm still incredibly tempted. For that matter I'm curious if I know anyone who has access to those journals who may be able to get me copies...
My new quest is to find copies of those without spending an enormous amount of money, apparently.
More seriously though... It's one of those things where I've known in the back of my head that there's a lot of research into the area of kink for a long while now, but have never gone looking for it. It's really worth my time and - within limits, of course - resources to do so.
So I found this picture on Tumblr, and it made me happy:
http://forgivemeprettybaby.tumblr.com/post/107342682135/darwincastillo-bdsm-positive-mental-health
But to quote it, it says:
The Journal of Sexual Medicine revealed that those who engage in bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) may be more psychologically healthy than those who don't. The study authors think being open about your sexual kinks leads to a self-acceptance that can translate into positive mental health. So break out the restraints, if it's your thing!
First, let me just cheer this on! It's amazing. I did a very small amount of digging, and while this article actually looked fascinating:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
I suspect that this is the one it was referring to:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12192/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
getting full access through that site isn't cheap (without a subscription, it's $6 for a 48-hour pass, $15 for unlimited read-only access and $35 to actually buy a copy of the PDF), but I'm still incredibly tempted. For that matter I'm curious if I know anyone who has access to those journals who may be able to get me copies...
My new quest is to find copies of those without spending an enormous amount of money, apparently.
More seriously though... It's one of those things where I've known in the back of my head that there's a lot of research into the area of kink for a long while now, but have never gone looking for it. It's really worth my time and - within limits, of course - resources to do so.
2014/12/23
Conversations with a Polygamist
So the lovely and talented Ash found this link I enjoyed:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caitlincowie/ask-a-polyamorous-person#.etMyMaBpm
which actually is mostly a wrapper around this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o1gsI3e0u4
and is eminently worth watching. I do find myself wondering actively whether BuzzFeed has that many openly poly people on staff, or whether they imported and/or substituted a few for the purposes of this; but either way that video was great. Anyone who has any questions or interest in Poly should go watch it.
No, I'm serious. Go on; I'll wait here. Look, I'll even pause the blog.
...
...
*taps foot, checks watch*
Okay, good? Good.
What I thought when I saw this was "Okay, this is like the ultimate how to answer questions after you come out" video. They hit so many good points, including a number I've harped on before. "What's the difference between Poly and Cheating?" Couldn't be simpler - cheating is against the nature of the relationship, but poly defines the boundaries of the relationship and sets the limits on what is cheating. Why isn't one person enough? You're asking the wrong question, or at least making an assumption. Why isn't one friend enough for you? Oh, you get something different out of all your friends? Do tell. How do you deal with jealousy? The same way most (healthy) monogamous relationships do, just not including the assumption that jealousy is the worst possible thing that could happen to two people.
The comments are worth reading, also - if for no other reason than the sheer lack of bitchiness and stupidity. Really reassuring to not have the ass holes out in force. For once.
All that being said... My favourite line was "Orgies aren't that common. I've been to one; and I spent most of my time in the corner eating Oreos."
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caitlincowie/ask-a-polyamorous-person#.etMyMaBpm
which actually is mostly a wrapper around this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o1gsI3e0u4
and is eminently worth watching. I do find myself wondering actively whether BuzzFeed has that many openly poly people on staff, or whether they imported and/or substituted a few for the purposes of this; but either way that video was great. Anyone who has any questions or interest in Poly should go watch it.
No, I'm serious. Go on; I'll wait here. Look, I'll even pause the blog.
...
...
*taps foot, checks watch*
Okay, good? Good.
What I thought when I saw this was "Okay, this is like the ultimate how to answer questions after you come out" video. They hit so many good points, including a number I've harped on before. "What's the difference between Poly and Cheating?" Couldn't be simpler - cheating is against the nature of the relationship, but poly defines the boundaries of the relationship and sets the limits on what is cheating. Why isn't one person enough? You're asking the wrong question, or at least making an assumption. Why isn't one friend enough for you? Oh, you get something different out of all your friends? Do tell. How do you deal with jealousy? The same way most (healthy) monogamous relationships do, just not including the assumption that jealousy is the worst possible thing that could happen to two people.
The comments are worth reading, also - if for no other reason than the sheer lack of bitchiness and stupidity. Really reassuring to not have the ass holes out in force. For once.
All that being said... My favourite line was "Orgies aren't that common. I've been to one; and I spent most of my time in the corner eating Oreos."
2014/12/19
Not what it seems at first glance...
I've been on a roll with the FetLife links recently... So why let up now? I was totally prepared, based on the title, to be ravingly angry at this post:
https://fetlife.com/groups/14857/group_posts/6322050
Most of the time when this type of title comes up it's an arrogant chest-beating neanderthal who I'd be way happier punching through a wall than giving them the time of day. This person's post is... A pleasant surprise. Well reasoned, polite, and not full of the kind of entitled bullshit that drove me away from The Scene in the first place.
All too often on dating sites, you get the horror stories of some jackass messaging a woman and saying "Hey R U DTF?" or "Show me ur tits" or something similarly intelligent. The equivalent of that on kink/BDSM sites and Fetlife is "Kneel, slut, and worship your Master!" as an introductory message. It astounds me that people ever think that's a good idea. It shows an arrogance, a lack of respect, a total lack of understanding of basic humanity... And it's common. It's everywhere. These people are in your house!!!
Okay; in the vast majority of cases they aren't in your house, but my point stands. If you spend any decent amount of time in the lifestyle, you can't avoid them. They may get blacklisted, they may get shunned... But somewhere they get enough encouragement to keep going. Go figure.
Back to the actual post, though... With only minimal amounts of allowance for variations on a theme, these could all apply to me.
Her specific examples aren't quite to my taste, but her central point stands: the most important measure of whether you're a good sub is whether you and your Dom are both happy with your behaviour and your relationship. If you can get that far, where you two are content? Other peoples' opinions just don't matter, so screw the rest.
https://fetlife.com/groups/14857/group_posts/6322050
Most of the time when this type of title comes up it's an arrogant chest-beating neanderthal who I'd be way happier punching through a wall than giving them the time of day. This person's post is... A pleasant surprise. Well reasoned, polite, and not full of the kind of entitled bullshit that drove me away from The Scene in the first place.
All too often on dating sites, you get the horror stories of some jackass messaging a woman and saying "Hey R U DTF?" or "Show me ur tits" or something similarly intelligent. The equivalent of that on kink/BDSM sites and Fetlife is "Kneel, slut, and worship your Master!" as an introductory message. It astounds me that people ever think that's a good idea. It shows an arrogance, a lack of respect, a total lack of understanding of basic humanity... And it's common. It's everywhere. These people are in your house!!!
Okay; in the vast majority of cases they aren't in your house, but my point stands. If you spend any decent amount of time in the lifestyle, you can't avoid them. They may get blacklisted, they may get shunned... But somewhere they get enough encouragement to keep going. Go figure.
Back to the actual post, though... With only minimal amounts of allowance for variations on a theme, these could all apply to me.
- Devotion. I won't go so far as to say "Devoted only to me," but that's because I'm naturally poly and sortof assume any slave I have would be as well... And even then exactly what limits there are would have to be carefully talked out to make sure neither of us got a nasty shock.
- Willingness. A desire to please, and an openness to trust that things I introduce them to are worth trying.
- Patience. I'm... A trying person to live with, and I'm aware of that. Life with me is frequently not easy. This is a big one, on way more levels than my kink life.
- Generosity. A willingness to give.
- Honesty. This is my big hot-button issue; without honesty, full honesty in both directions, our relationship stands no chance. I wish more people saw that.
- A sense of humour. The ability to smile and enjoy your life as well as our life.
- Independence. The ability to think and act for yourself... Even if we agree we don't always want you to.
Qualities of a good sub/slave? The qualities her/his Owner wants in his/her sub/slave.
Some (femDoms especially) only want an owned who is totally devoted to them. It means the only duty or desire of the Owner is do as I want, don't tell me about your life, don't care about anything about you except what you can do for me. Some Doms want to micromanage and don't want the owned to think on their own at all including when to pee, when to eat, every little move.
So what is said here is good for this Dom but may not be for some others. Most of what she said is good in any relationship IMO.
<snip>
What is most important to me? FIrst...finding someone who sees this life and my part in it similar to his. Then listen to him and do as he says including carrying through with things I know he needs/wants without having to tell me each time.
Her specific examples aren't quite to my taste, but her central point stands: the most important measure of whether you're a good sub is whether you and your Dom are both happy with your behaviour and your relationship. If you can get that far, where you two are content? Other peoples' opinions just don't matter, so screw the rest.
2014/12/15
Bonus Links!
Asexual humour!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/the-21-realest-tumblr-posts-about-identifying-as-asexual
I'm particularly a fan of #21... But most of them amused me a great deal.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/the-21-realest-tumblr-posts-about-identifying-as-asexual
I'm particularly a fan of #21... But most of them amused me a great deal.
2014/12/13
Random
2014/12/12
Asexuality - Another Outsider's Perspective
Here's a post on FetLife from a guy whose girlfriend identifies as asexual.
https://fetlife.com/groups/7247/group_posts/6316062
I won't bother copying it, because the meat of it is the long string of comments afterwards, not the initial post; but it's definitely worth reading through. I respect him for posting this; he simply didn't understand what she meant or what she was going through, and reached out to figure it out. You can ding this guy for not talking to her and for going to FetLife for answers, which one can argue is a terrible plan... But based on his comments they've definitely talked about it, and that's better than a lot of people do.
The entire asexuality spectrum can be devastatingly confusing, both for the people on it and the people around them. It's a difficult hurdle to cross, because it can be very hard for people to create a romantic relationship when the sexual relationship is so... Estranged.
There have been windows where I feel like I need a sign saying "Special Care Instructions Not Included" anytime I go on a date.
I think, though, that my favourite part of this post is one of the comments a ways down:
This person gets it, and what they say is critically important. It's way too easy for our loved ones - even those who mostly get it - to be bothered or upset by or misunderstand or view towards sex. Some asexuals are squicked out by sex... And for some, it's not that we dislike it; it's that it simply doesn't have the meaning to us that other things might. Either way, we understand how you feel - intellectually if not emotionally. We get that you enjoy this. We still love you and we want you to be happy. We just... Express it in different ways.
https://fetlife.com/groups/7247/group_posts/6316062
I won't bother copying it, because the meat of it is the long string of comments afterwards, not the initial post; but it's definitely worth reading through. I respect him for posting this; he simply didn't understand what she meant or what she was going through, and reached out to figure it out. You can ding this guy for not talking to her and for going to FetLife for answers, which one can argue is a terrible plan... But based on his comments they've definitely talked about it, and that's better than a lot of people do.
The entire asexuality spectrum can be devastatingly confusing, both for the people on it and the people around them. It's a difficult hurdle to cross, because it can be very hard for people to create a romantic relationship when the sexual relationship is so... Estranged.
There have been windows where I feel like I need a sign saying "Special Care Instructions Not Included" anytime I go on a date.
I think, though, that my favourite part of this post is one of the comments a ways down:
I find it to be like an automtic[sic] door opening to a store. Most people walk by it and the doors magically open, and they are drawn inside. I, however, have to make that choice to push the door open. Or someone holds it open for me. Once I'm in there, there will be things I like and don't like, but I'll never have that experience of just strolling along the sidewalk and BAM , wow! that door opened for me and I want in to buy stuff NOW!
There is a lot of variation within the asexual community. I think you re right that too much questioning of her without researching first might seem like you were challenging her. But, here more than other areas, I think there is much variation.
From personal experience, I would recommend that you keep in mind that certain things might work well for her, even though it is in a context you might not expect. For example, she might like sex without orgasms, or giving without receiving...which might seem pointless to some, but is very meaningful emotionally to others. She might also just like sex with you now that she has bonded with you. That's "demisexual", and it will usually seem just like typical sexuality, it just takes longer to develop. Any number of the things you mentioned could be true. Or all of them. Or none of them. Sorry to be so confusing...but the thing to remember is if she is having a good time, it's fine.
This person gets it, and what they say is critically important. It's way too easy for our loved ones - even those who mostly get it - to be bothered or upset by or misunderstand or view towards sex. Some asexuals are squicked out by sex... And for some, it's not that we dislike it; it's that it simply doesn't have the meaning to us that other things might. Either way, we understand how you feel - intellectually if not emotionally. We get that you enjoy this. We still love you and we want you to be happy. We just... Express it in different ways.
2014/12/10
2014/12/05
I read a lot of strange articles online...
I read a lot of strange articles online. Between blogs, Tumblrs, and the occasionally insane people I work with I get numerous strange links every day. And when my random online travels brought me to this article:
http://news.sciencemag.org/brain-behavior/2014/11/electric-shock-study-suggests-wed-rather-hurt-ourselves-others
my first instinct was to laugh. Still, I saved the link because I wanted to think more closely about it.
The article is about a behavioral study. Many people are familiar with Stanley Milgram's experiment about obedience to authority (a subject I clearly never think about... *cough*), and this was apparently at least partially inspired by those experiments. One Molly Crockett, a psychologist, set up an experiment where volunteers were randomly paired, and then one of the pair was chosen as the decider. One of the two was designated as who would receive a series of electric shocks; and then the decider got to pick between between two deals, each presenting some number of shocks for some amount of money. The money stood in as proxy for how much they valued harming themselves vs. harming others and varied from $0.15 to $15, and the shocks were calibrated to be "mildly painful but not intolerable".
Based on previous experience they expected people to be averse to shocking themselves, and this was correct; people were on average willing to take $0.30 less per shock to experience fewer shocks. But where they were expecting people to be far less caring about inflicting shocks on the other person, the study found that people were willing to lose twice as much - $0.60 less per shock on average - to give the other, totally anonymous, person fewer shocks.
This is fascinatingly counter-intuitive to me. It's very easy to picture people as being immensely selfish, and that would imply people would be willing to hand out as many shocks as were necessary to get the highest amount possible; instead people were going out of the way, "suffering" monetarily to save anonymous, unknown people from pain they'd signed up agreeing to endure.
And I mean, that isn't a bad thing; as a rule a willingness to be restrained on causing pain to others isn't a bad thing. I'm not sure if I'd hold back or not. I'm incredibly big on consent, but it's hard not to take their having volunteered in the first place as consent.They knew what was expected to happen; it's not like it's against their will. So why not?
People are just so scared of causing pain to other people, and it's... Adorable. In my experience, most people have some level of pain tolerance when it comes to sex. Not everyone likes being spanked; not everyone likes having their hair pulled; not everyone likes having nails run down there back; certainly not everyone likes needles or whips or hot wax... But most people enjoy some level of it. And on the other side, people who actually like inflicting pain? They're harder to find.
How much of that is because those people really aren't out there and how much is just the fear of being exposed? There's not much stigma in enjoying a little rough sex... But the stigma in being rough is endemic. I suspect that's what happened in the study; and it's certainly what happens day to day in the BDSM community.
http://news.sciencemag.org/brain-behavior/2014/11/electric-shock-study-suggests-wed-rather-hurt-ourselves-others
my first instinct was to laugh. Still, I saved the link because I wanted to think more closely about it.
The article is about a behavioral study. Many people are familiar with Stanley Milgram's experiment about obedience to authority (a subject I clearly never think about... *cough*), and this was apparently at least partially inspired by those experiments. One Molly Crockett, a psychologist, set up an experiment where volunteers were randomly paired, and then one of the pair was chosen as the decider. One of the two was designated as who would receive a series of electric shocks; and then the decider got to pick between between two deals, each presenting some number of shocks for some amount of money. The money stood in as proxy for how much they valued harming themselves vs. harming others and varied from $0.15 to $15, and the shocks were calibrated to be "mildly painful but not intolerable".
Based on previous experience they expected people to be averse to shocking themselves, and this was correct; people were on average willing to take $0.30 less per shock to experience fewer shocks. But where they were expecting people to be far less caring about inflicting shocks on the other person, the study found that people were willing to lose twice as much - $0.60 less per shock on average - to give the other, totally anonymous, person fewer shocks.
This is fascinatingly counter-intuitive to me. It's very easy to picture people as being immensely selfish, and that would imply people would be willing to hand out as many shocks as were necessary to get the highest amount possible; instead people were going out of the way, "suffering" monetarily to save anonymous, unknown people from pain they'd signed up agreeing to endure.
And I mean, that isn't a bad thing; as a rule a willingness to be restrained on causing pain to others isn't a bad thing. I'm not sure if I'd hold back or not. I'm incredibly big on consent, but it's hard not to take their having volunteered in the first place as consent.They knew what was expected to happen; it's not like it's against their will. So why not?
People are just so scared of causing pain to other people, and it's... Adorable. In my experience, most people have some level of pain tolerance when it comes to sex. Not everyone likes being spanked; not everyone likes having their hair pulled; not everyone likes having nails run down there back; certainly not everyone likes needles or whips or hot wax... But most people enjoy some level of it. And on the other side, people who actually like inflicting pain? They're harder to find.
How much of that is because those people really aren't out there and how much is just the fear of being exposed? There's not much stigma in enjoying a little rough sex... But the stigma in being rough is endemic. I suspect that's what happened in the study; and it's certainly what happens day to day in the BDSM community.
2014/11/25
I've discussed names and labels previous, including here: http://othersidesthoughts.blogspot.com/2014/06/a-kinster-by-any-other-name.html. It's one of my pet peeves, one of the things I think about most (outside of food, of course!), and I could rant on this for weeks and weeks if y'all let me. There's a comic I've linked to before as well - "Shades of A" (http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-cover/) and its immediate follow-on "Shades After" (http://www.discordcomics.com/category/comic/shades-after/) - about asexuality and the struggles asexuals and kinksters encounter. And for today, with minimal comment, I'll leave you with this one page where the last panel summarizes so perfectly how I feel about it:
http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-after-033/
Hope this Thanksgiving finds you all well, and my best wishes to you all and your families... Whether biological, chosen, or whatever else.
====
EDIT: This was posted two days early by mistake. I'm being lazy and moving it to its proper time. Sorry!!!
http://www.discordcomics.com/shades-after-033/
Hope this Thanksgiving finds you all well, and my best wishes to you all and your families... Whether biological, chosen, or whatever else.
====
EDIT: This was posted two days early by mistake. I'm being lazy and moving it to its proper time. Sorry!!!
2014/11/04
Sometimes It's Hard to Tell
Some of you may have heard of Jian Ghomeshi; many of you probably haven't, or at least not before the last few weeks. He is a broadcast personality, and generally a celebrity in some circles. Not in the US, particularly, but that's okay; I doubt many Canadians care much about US broadcast personalities after all. He's an author, a musician, and - to listen to what's been in the news recent - a pervert.
Now don't get me wrong; I don't say that as a pejorative. One of my dearest friends from the late 90s has been proudly calling me - and herself - a pervert for as long as I've known her. Some people, myself included, see being a pervert as something more like a badge of honour. I don't hold his being a pervert - my term, not his - against him. Being involved in BDSM, sadomasochistic sex, is not only fine - it's what I do. What I do hold against him is the allegations that his sadism crossed the line into abuse and assault.
On October 26th the CBC announced that he was being fired, and the reason was the three women who came forwards and claimed he had assaulted them. Not "he's a filthy pervert"; not "oh my god, why do they let monsters with his kinks out on the street"; but "this man assaulted us in a non-consensual manner". Jian immediately came back and announced a law suit against his former employer, claiming wrongful firing and that the allegations are totally groundless. The discussion has been loud on both sides - one side championing the groundless persecution of an innocent man, however kinky or "perverted", and the either espousing the egregious abuse of innocent women by a vicious monster.
I don't know the entire situation, which isn't surprising. I've read a lot about it, but it's one of those cases where we may never know the entire truth. There are people with an agenda against him, because of personal reasons or just because they don't agree with his lifestyle. In this case... I tend to believe the women. There's a lot written out there, including dozens of news articles and specialist pieces - including several blog entries by Dan Savage (http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2014/10/27/prominent-cbc-radio-host-claims-he-was-fired-for-consensual-bdsm-sex) - but my favourites are these two pieces. The first is "Poor Persecuted Pervert?" by sex columnist Andrea Zanin:
https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/poor-persecuted-pervert/
and the second is one I actually found through Zanin's Twitter feed, a Facebook entry by someone who knew Ghomeshi personally:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1491910081073780&id=1387461484851974
This one, I'll actually quote here, as it summarizes a lot of my thoughts as to why he probably should be convicted:
I'll be honest; this situation is my own personal nightmare. I know the only thing that stands between me, or many other sadists, and the actuality of the accusations against Jian is a conscience. An unwillingness to do something non-consensually that, with consent, is a turn-on. A forced perspective on the potential consequences, the side effects, the things that can - and do - go wrong for people with my interests every day. The risks - physical, mental, societal, familial, and legal. The knowledge that there are people out there who would happily take the things I'm interested in and condemn me for them, even if they believed that I never have and never will carry them out with someone who hasn't agreed to them... And use them to end my life as I know it. It doesn't matter if there's a conviction; this is the type of thing that loses people jobs, friends and family. My ex-wife, even though she willingly participated in BDSM at times, has explicitly threatened me with taking these accusations to court to convince a judge to take my son away.
It's... Terrifying. It's unfair, grossly unfair... And it's a terrible way to live. But the worst part is, it isn't completely unjustified. The worst part is knowing there are people who do the things that they say "Us Perverts" do. There are people who commit assault and rape and murder and try to hide behind their kinks. People who show through their actions that the best way for the world to handle us is to treat us as the monsters the conservatives try to claim we are. The best way to fight them is to live your life right; to throw their accusations back in their teeth by being the honest, worthy people we're capable of being.
Living well is the best revenge... But some days, living honestly is the only poor weapon we have in what can seem like a sea of anger and hate.
Now don't get me wrong; I don't say that as a pejorative. One of my dearest friends from the late 90s has been proudly calling me - and herself - a pervert for as long as I've known her. Some people, myself included, see being a pervert as something more like a badge of honour. I don't hold his being a pervert - my term, not his - against him. Being involved in BDSM, sadomasochistic sex, is not only fine - it's what I do. What I do hold against him is the allegations that his sadism crossed the line into abuse and assault.
On October 26th the CBC announced that he was being fired, and the reason was the three women who came forwards and claimed he had assaulted them. Not "he's a filthy pervert"; not "oh my god, why do they let monsters with his kinks out on the street"; but "this man assaulted us in a non-consensual manner". Jian immediately came back and announced a law suit against his former employer, claiming wrongful firing and that the allegations are totally groundless. The discussion has been loud on both sides - one side championing the groundless persecution of an innocent man, however kinky or "perverted", and the either espousing the egregious abuse of innocent women by a vicious monster.
I don't know the entire situation, which isn't surprising. I've read a lot about it, but it's one of those cases where we may never know the entire truth. There are people with an agenda against him, because of personal reasons or just because they don't agree with his lifestyle. In this case... I tend to believe the women. There's a lot written out there, including dozens of news articles and specialist pieces - including several blog entries by Dan Savage (http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2014/10/27/prominent-cbc-radio-host-claims-he-was-fired-for-consensual-bdsm-sex) - but my favourites are these two pieces. The first is "Poor Persecuted Pervert?" by sex columnist Andrea Zanin:
https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/poor-persecuted-pervert/
and the second is one I actually found through Zanin's Twitter feed, a Facebook entry by someone who knew Ghomeshi personally:
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1491910081073780&id=1387461484851974
This one, I'll actually quote here, as it summarizes a lot of my thoughts as to why he probably should be convicted:
I was challenged by a friend to say something about the recent allegations against Jian Ghomeshi.
Jian is my friend. I have appeared twice on Q. But there is no grey area here. Three women have been beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.
I have sat with Jian over drinks and discussed our respective anxiety disorders. We have been photographed hugging on camera.
Just ten days ago, I helped him find musicians for his father’s funeral. Three women have said that Jian beat them without their consent.
“We will never really know what happened.” Yes we do. Jian beat, at the very least, three women. Three women said so. “They were jilted exes.” Maybe so. They were beaten by Jian.
“They were freelance writers looking to get ahead.” Three women were beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.
At no point here will I ever give my friend Jian’s version of the truth more creedence than the version of the truth offered up by three women. Anonymity does not mean these women do not exist.
“They were engaged in BDSM role-play.” This: this is something I need to talk about.
The beauty of BDSM relationships is that the power is always in the hands of the sub. BDSM and choke play is a subversion of male violence.
To hear that anybody has been abusing the BDSM power relationship for the purpose of engaging in non-consensual violence-against-women is horrifying.
That is not the point of BDSM. BDSM is in fact about the exact opposite thing. It is about repurposing acts of violence into creating a power dynamic of fucking EQUALITY.
As for the rest. I have seen my Facebook feed littered with comments about how “for years we’ve known Jian to be a shady character.”
I too have heard endless rumours that he’s been a bad date, and have heard stories of shadiness and strange behaviour.
I have heard about his ridiculous pick-up lines and have (to my shame) tittered about them with my friends. But I have never heard, until today, that Jian Ghomeshi beats women.
I am skeptical of arts reporting. I am skeptical of Canadian journalism. I am sensitive toward shaming of people who are so-called sexual deviants.
But let’s be clear. Whether the court decides that predatory men are punished or exonerated does not silence the voices of the victims. It does not make victims liars.
Whether our culture continues to celebrate the works of predatory men is another issue. It does not silence the voices of the victims.
Jian Ghomeshi is my friend, and Jian Ghomeshi beats women. How our friendship will continue remains to be seen.
I'll be honest; this situation is my own personal nightmare. I know the only thing that stands between me, or many other sadists, and the actuality of the accusations against Jian is a conscience. An unwillingness to do something non-consensually that, with consent, is a turn-on. A forced perspective on the potential consequences, the side effects, the things that can - and do - go wrong for people with my interests every day. The risks - physical, mental, societal, familial, and legal. The knowledge that there are people out there who would happily take the things I'm interested in and condemn me for them, even if they believed that I never have and never will carry them out with someone who hasn't agreed to them... And use them to end my life as I know it. It doesn't matter if there's a conviction; this is the type of thing that loses people jobs, friends and family. My ex-wife, even though she willingly participated in BDSM at times, has explicitly threatened me with taking these accusations to court to convince a judge to take my son away.
It's... Terrifying. It's unfair, grossly unfair... And it's a terrible way to live. But the worst part is, it isn't completely unjustified. The worst part is knowing there are people who do the things that they say "Us Perverts" do. There are people who commit assault and rape and murder and try to hide behind their kinks. People who show through their actions that the best way for the world to handle us is to treat us as the monsters the conservatives try to claim we are. The best way to fight them is to live your life right; to throw their accusations back in their teeth by being the honest, worthy people we're capable of being.
Living well is the best revenge... But some days, living honestly is the only poor weapon we have in what can seem like a sea of anger and hate.
2014/10/24
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