Not what it seems at first glance...

I've been on a roll with the FetLife links recently... So why let up now? I was totally prepared, based on the title, to be ravingly angry at this post:

https://fetlife.com/groups/14857/group_posts/6322050

Most of the time when this type of title comes up it's an arrogant chest-beating neanderthal who I'd be way happier punching through a wall than giving them the time of day. This person's post is... A pleasant surprise. Well reasoned, polite, and not full of the kind of entitled bullshit that drove me away from The Scene in the first place.

All too often on dating sites, you get the horror stories of some jackass messaging a woman and saying "Hey R U DTF?" or "Show me ur tits" or something similarly intelligent. The equivalent of that on kink/BDSM sites and Fetlife is "Kneel, slut, and worship your Master!" as an introductory message. It astounds me that people ever think that's a good idea. It shows an arrogance, a lack of respect, a total lack of understanding of basic humanity... And it's common. It's everywhere. These people are in your house!!!

Okay; in the vast majority of cases they aren't in your house, but my point stands. If you spend any decent amount of time in the lifestyle, you can't avoid them. They may get blacklisted, they may get shunned... But somewhere they get enough encouragement to keep going. Go figure.

Back to the actual post, though... With only minimal amounts of allowance for variations on a theme, these could all apply to me.

• Devotion. I won't go so far as to say "Devoted only to me," but that's because I'm naturally poly and sortof assume any slave I have would be as well... And even then exactly what limits there are would have to be carefully talked out to make sure neither of us got a nasty shock.
• Willingness. A desire to please, and an openness to trust that things I introduce them to are worth trying.
• Patience. I'm... A trying person to live with, and I'm aware of that. Life with me is frequently not easy. This is a big one, on way more levels than my kink life.
• Generosity. A willingness to give.
• Honesty. This is my big hot-button issue; without honesty, full honesty in both directions, our relationship stands no chance. I wish more people saw that.
• A sense of humour. The ability to smile and enjoy your life as well as our life.
• Independence. The ability to think and act for yourself... Even if we agree we don't always want you to.

A lot of people won't agree with some or all of these, and that's fine. Myself, I'd probably add some, like intelligence and spirit. But that's fine. The real gold is in the third comment:

Qualities of a good sub/slave? The qualities her/his Owner wants in his/her sub/slave.

Some (femDoms especially) only want an owned who is totally devoted to them. It means the only duty or desire of the Owner is do as I want, don't tell me about your life, don't care about anything about you except what you can do for me. Some Doms want to micromanage and don't want the owned to think on their own at all including when to pee, when to eat, every little move.

So what is said here is good for this Dom but may not be for some others. Most of what she said is good in any relationship IMO.

<snip>

What is most important to me? FIrst...finding someone who sees this life and my part in it similar to his. Then listen to him and do as he says including carrying through with things I know he needs/wants without having to tell me each time.

Her specific examples aren't quite to my taste, but her central point stands: the most important measure of whether you're a good sub is whether you and your Dom are both happy with your behaviour and your relationship. If you can get that far, where you two are content? Other peoples' opinions just don't matter, so screw the rest.

Coming to terms with things

Had I been aware of websites like Fetlife five years ago, I would've labeled myself submissive: I appreciate knowing explicitly what is expected of me, having certain things I am responsible for, and I have a habit of keeping track of my partners to make sure they are as taken care of as possible.

Flash forward a few years to when I met Mike. Here was (is) a man who had had submissives and slaves, knew what we wanted from them, and looked forward to having then again. It made me want to complete him; it gave me the challenge of being his perfect and ideal partner. Like with most of my boyfriends, I wanted to meet his needs and be better than all the rest. I wanted him to love me and treasure me above all else. I wanted to be magical. I wanted to be irreplaceable.

I wanted him to keep me.

For a long time, I felt like a failure because he pushed that side of me away. I would try to engage the part of him that he admitted he wished came out more, but he would shy away. On top of that, my sexual advances were equally useless, which left me feeling like I was treading water but never quite going anywhere.

From me, Mike wasn't looking for a sub. I didn't have what it took, especially because I couldn't drop the need for sexuality in these potential scenarios. It was confusing and stressful, but I focused on what I could provide in his life instead:

Understanding. Support. Encouragement. Love. Friendship. Laughter.

It took dating someone who actually actively wanted a completely submissive partner in their life to realize I wasn't actually naturally submissive. When I could get his dom side to come out, I kept being uncomfortable with the ideas he Mike was suggesting. I could go for bits and pieces, but he couldn't get into things piecemeal like that, and I couldn't just jump in completely like he needed. It was frustrating on both ends because we were both invested in him being happy and fulfilled. 

Then it hit me:

Thanks to my mother, I was raised with the idea that you did whatever you could to convince your partner to stay with you, since clearly no one would stay of their own accord otherwise. I was raised with the idea that oneself doesn't really matter, especially if being yourself means being alone.

So while the part of me that wants to take care of the people around me still exists, it isn't my main character trait anymore. For the first time in my life, I can basically be myself instead of doing what I can to twist myself to be good for someone else. It's still awkward at times, to be honest, and there's still that part of me that feels I'm letting Mike down by not being able to meet his needs entirely... But he isn't looking for me to do that, and I have no real problem letting him find someone else who can pick up where I left off. It takes some pressure off the part of me that still lingers from before, the part inherently feeling like a failure who worries so much about being abandoned.

I am starting to recognize my worth beyond my willingness to do anything for the people I love. It's difficult and stressful and painful at times -- and it's a long road to walk down on top of that. Thankfully I've got a pretty fantastic travel companion, so it's worth the trouble.

The complement, of course, to how to refer to one's Dom, is how that Dom refers to you. A lot of the same things apply - as a sub, your name says a lot about you. Much more than with a Dom, however, a submissive's name can also say a lot about the situation they're in.

Part of the problem here is that "submissive" is such a broad term. For the sake of this, I need to differentiate someone who acts submissive and someone who is a submissive. Someone who plays submissive games, gets handcuffed or spanked in the bedroom, is a totally different place - a totally different mindset - from someone who submits as part of their lifestyle to a dominant or master. Someone who lives it as a lifestyle is invested in the idea of being a submissive; someone plays that way only in the bedroom is far more likely to be insulted by it in most contexts than appreciate it or look forwards to it.

Submissives frequently end up with a large number of names related to exactly what's going on at the moment. First and foremost, a sub will most often have their own, original name - the name they were born with. Very rarely will a sub be so deeply integrated into their relationship that they don't express their normal personalities; most subs live their day-to-day lives, work, hang out with friends, visit their families, do the shopping, etcetera. Often, though, they'll have a new name as well - a name given to them as, essentially, their slave persona. The name reflects their ownership, their new life, and is typically used only when they're actually actively submitting... Or when their dominant chooses to remind them of it.

Beyond those, though, it's incredibly common for a Dom and sub to use a laundry list of other names along the way. As an example, when working with a slave I use a few specific terms. "Little one" or "pet" indicate pleasure, and are used to refer to them when I'm pleased and content with them. "Girl," as a rule, indicates I'm not entirely happy with them - it's usually used to reinforce an order to clarify something or correct a problem. "Slave", when used as a term, indicates I'm upset with them over something, and want them to know it.

Obviously, every relationship is different. Some dominants may use gentle pet names; some may lean heavily towards "slut", "bitch", and equivalent. A daddy will lean towards something like "baby" or "princess" - after all, his little needs a cute name! While the master of a slave who is primarily for objectification or service or abuse may very pointedly never refer to them directly at all.

That shaping, that mental space, is the most important piece of this. You hear a lot about "subspace" (or at least I do), and keeping your submissive in an appropriate frame of mind is one of a dom's primary responsibilities in taking care of them. Without their correct frame of mind, at best your sub will be uncomfortable or at worst they'll be miserable - and the mental framing offered by a name is critical to it.

Names are powerful, in all aspects of any relationship - and moreso than ever in a kinky relationship. They can direct moods, shape mental state, and offer the context and communications critical in this type of relationship. Nowhere is that more true than with a submissive, where that name - or which name is used - can mean everything. As a submissive, be sensitive to how you are being addressed and let it guide you to where your dominant wants you to be; and as a dominant remember  your responsibility to care for your sub... And use those names carefully.

Tuesday Links - Sexual Submission in and out of the bedroom?

Today's Tuesday Link is another Quora question I answered. Actually, this one I was tagged and requested to answer... But either way, the original is here: http://www.quora.com/Are-sexual-submissives-always-emotionally-submissive-in-their-relationships-outside-of-the-bedroom. Question and answer:

Are sexual submissives always emotionally submissive in their relationships outside of the bedroom?

TGIF again and my thoughts turn toward frisky fantasies such as D&S and S&M. A couple of weeks ago, I asked: Could you maintain respect for a submissive lover who worshipped you in potentially disgusting ways? Quite a few of the responses made it clear they thought that only someone with low self esteem and a constant sense of submission 24/7 could ever engage in such submissive behavior. To numerous respondents, it seems it was inconceivable someone could enjoy such games sexually, but turn off their submissive steak outside the bedroom. While I have not been in such a relationship, and so do not know, my guess is sexual submission is not related to submission in things outside of sex. Are those who enjoy being submissive in the bedroom usually or always suffering from Dependent Personality Disorder Symptoms? Am I guessing correctly that many view it as a way to enhance their sexual play, but are able to separate submission in sex play from submission in everyday life?

The short answer is, no, not at all.

The important thing to remember here is that most elements of BDSM and kink are separate. They can be - and frequently are - closely related, but they don't have to be. They can relate to different pieces of your mind and your personality. It's always going to come down to exactly how you relate to it.

Is your submission tightly linked to your sex drive? If so, then odds are high that your submission won't extend beyond the bedroom. In my experience, most submissives really fall into this category - people who enjoy being spanked, being held down, being tied up to be fucked, being blindfolded, enjoy the fuzzy handcuffs... Whatever it might be. There's no connection between that and being a submissive outside the bedroom. There are dozens, hundreds of kinks that fall into the "submissive" category and will get someone off even while they feel ashamed or humiliated or totally uncomfortable with them in public, or just simply don't fit into their day-to-day lives.

Also be careful because "sexual submissive" is such a broad category. Saying "I'm a sexual submissive" could bring up any number of different things with different people. It can be everything from pet play to bondage to sadomasochism (which, of course, extends from spanking to blood and everything in between) to humiliation/degredation to... Well, whatever you can think of. Things that you may consider submissive may be perfectly commonplace and *not* submissive to someone else. Does your partner, for example, take their shoes off when they get home, but you put them by the door? Or do you always ask if the want a drink whenever you're in the kitchen? Or whatever. Things which are just "typical and domestic" to you may be "submissive" to someone else, and it blurs the edges, because my answer may not be the same as someone else's not because they don't agree with the idea -but because they don't agree with my definitions. What may be perfectly normal sex to you may be strongly submissive in someone else's opinion.

And So It Goes

So I released my slave at the end of last week.

I haven't talked about it a huge amount, but I've had a slave for the last two months or so - Sunshine, lets call her. We met on Fetlife when I responded to her introductory post, and she was looking for something online-only. We talked for a while - messages on FL, then e-mailed back and forth - until we agreed to try things out - we agreed to a 30-day trial period to feel each other out and see how well we worked. It went quite well, as a rule; and in spite of some misgivings I had, we ended up negotiating out a contract and making it "real" rather than just a trial. We went into it with the explicit statement on my part that I knew this was not going to be able to meet all my desires, and I had every intention of ending it at some point if the opportunity arose for something good with someone with whom I would not have so many restrictions imposed... But we believed it would be worth it in the meantime. Things were pretty good. We enjoyed each other's company, and things actually went pretty well for the most part, but we just never quite meshed.

When I walk my dog - a one-eyed Shih Tzu who I swear is made out of pure muscle and ridiculousness - he has a habit of walking around the lamp posts in my apartment complex and not realizing. When he does it, my instinct is to just pull his leash to try and get him to walk back around it... But he just sets his feet, tenses his body, and stares me down. He knows I want him to walk where I was walking, and he's walking in that direction, dammit, so why was I trying to pull him somewhere else?

All too often, trying to take care of her felt like that. She knew what I was trying to accomplish, or at least thought she did, and she was already going in that direction, so why was I telling her to do something else? She wasn't prepared to take what I said at face value; and she wasn't prepared to ask why without being bratty and upset. I'm sure my own sense of pride didn't help; by no stretch of the imagination do I believe we didn't match solely because of a flaw on her part. We didn't work out because my methods and her needs just didn't quite jive.

It culminated in something stupid; it usually does. She asked if she was still grounded (a longer story I'm not going to bother getting into), to which I gave her the simple answer "yes", and she flipped out on me. She insisted she shouldn't be any more, complained about my always changing things without telling her, and demanded to know why rather than just calmly asking "That isn't what I was expecting - did something change?" If this had been the first time this had happened I probably would have just let it slide. If this had been the second time, I would have corrected it and moved on once the consequences were done. Being what it was, she sent me a formal email requesting me to release her, which I accepted. She then begged me not to accept it... So I explained to her why I felt this was not going to improve, and... We're done.

I will miss her being my slave, and I'll miss having someone who I believe very much wanted to serve me. I won't miss the stress and the worry involved in trying to sort out what she said she wanted from what she came across as wanting - trying to worry about what she was asking for against what I felt was okay for her.

So yes; I'm sad as I write this, and I apologize for using my blog to flush out my feelings on something that's bothering me, but things will be okay; and I suspect - if she can find someone who's a better fit than I was - she will make some Dom extremely happy one day.

Tuesday Links

So I came across this question on Quora.com, a site similar to Yahoo Questions:

How do sexually submissive men get into successful relationships? Is it otherwise possible for a submissive man to change into a more "normal" person? Because most girls tend to prefer dominant male. (Please not "sexual submission" have nothing to do with being beta or socially inept.)

(original link: https://www.quora.com/Dating-and-Relationships-1/How-do-sexually-submissive-men-get-into-successful-relationships)

Short answer: The same way as everyone else... Find a partner who has the same interests as you (in this case, a dominant man or woman).

Long answer: So my problem here is, this question is framed in the idea that there's something wrong with a submissive relationship in the first place. I understand that they threw quotes around "normal", but it's an unfair implication; not being in the majority (which is itself an arguable statement in this context) doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with what you want... In this case, being a submissive male.

So how do sexually submissive men get into successful relationships? The same way as everyone else. They go to bars, get hooked up by friends, find dates online with Match or OkCupid or Fetlife, they hit on women they meet. The difference is just that you don't want a girl or guy that will sit back and let you take control in your sex life - you want one who takes charge for you. You will have exactly the same problems as everyone else - the majority of dates don't lead to relationships, and the majority of relationships don't last forever.

You'll also have exactly the same need as any other relationship to communicate your wants and needs. The biggest mistake too many people make in relationships is making compromises on their core needs in hopes they'll "get over it" or be able to change the other person. If you start off needing a sexually dominant woman and never *tell* them that, you're begging for failure. In exactly the same way you need to tell them what kinds of movies you like and what kinds of restaurants you want to go to, when the topic comes up you need to tell them what kind of things you're looking to get out of a sexual relationship.