Going the Wrong Direction

I don't remember exactly where I found this, but I saw this article late last week:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30735673

This article upset me a great deal in several ways. The most obvious one is the way they just lump any non-mainstream social behaviour into "mental disorders" and then pile up laws against it. It's just so... Alien to me. I understand that one of my myriad problems are that sometimes I just have  a hard time relating to points of view that are too far alien to mine; and this is just one of those cases.  It amazes me that in this day and age so many countries are willing to impose their own morality in the form of laws outlawing any lifestyle too far different from your own.

Of course, my own country - by adoption if not by birth - is not much better some days. South Dakota's ban on gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional just a few short hours ago, making it the 36th state to allow gay marriage. The 36th. With every single federal court case going in favour of gay marriage, you'd think that the states would see the writing on the wall and accept the inevitable, but instead all too many of them are fighting tooth and nail. It's taken decades to get this far, and the rearguard action from the conservatives on this particular losing battle is as pathetic as it is arrogant. Soon they'll turn back to their other remaining legal forms bigotry and things will settle down for another period of slow progress before another major hump gets crossed.

The line that upset me the most, though, actually wasn't the new law, or the way kink was lumped in with "other mental disorders". The piece that upset me the most was that the Russian Psychiatric Association didn't voice concern because it was asinine and based on something that wasn't reality; he voiced concern because, with the new law, people would avoid seeking psychiatric help.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me, with a number of things going on at work, at home, and in my personal life... But this really pushed my buttons. It isn't normally easy for me to get angry, but this really did push me over the edge.

Whatever. I'll see y'all in a few days - hopefully far more calm. And in the meantime, I'll proudly remember that me and my wife and almost every last one of my friends now cannot get a driver's license in Russia.

Happy New Year!

I hope 2015 is amazing for all of my lovely readers.

Sometimes It's Hard to Tell

Some of you may have heard of Jian Ghomeshi; many of you probably haven't, or at least not before the last few weeks. He is a broadcast personality, and generally a celebrity in some circles. Not in the US, particularly, but that's okay; I doubt many Canadians care much about US broadcast personalities after all. He's an author, a musician, and - to listen to what's been in the news recent - a pervert.

Now don't get me wrong; I don't say that as a pejorative. One of my dearest friends from the late 90s has been proudly calling me - and herself - a pervert for as long as I've known her. Some people, myself included, see being a pervert as something more like a badge of honour. I don't hold his being a pervert - my term, not his - against him. Being involved in BDSM, sadomasochistic sex, is not only fine - it's what I do. What I do hold against him is the allegations that his sadism crossed the line into abuse and assault.

On October 26th the CBC announced that he was being fired, and the reason was the three women who came forwards and claimed he had assaulted them. Not "he's a filthy pervert"; not "oh my god, why do they let monsters with his kinks out on the street"; but "this man assaulted us in a non-consensual manner". Jian immediately came back and announced a law suit against his former employer, claiming wrongful firing and that the allegations are totally groundless. The discussion has been loud on both sides - one side championing the groundless persecution of an innocent man, however kinky or "perverted", and the either espousing the egregious abuse of innocent women by a vicious monster.

I don't know the entire situation, which isn't surprising. I've read a lot about it, but it's one of those cases where we may never know the entire truth. There are people with an agenda against him, because of personal reasons or just because they don't agree with his lifestyle. In this case... I tend to believe the women. There's a lot written out there, including dozens of news articles and specialist pieces - including several blog entries by Dan Savage (http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2014/10/27/prominent-cbc-radio-host-claims-he-was-fired-for-consensual-bdsm-sex) - but my favourites are these two pieces. The first is "Poor Persecuted Pervert?" by sex columnist Andrea Zanin:

https://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/poor-persecuted-pervert/

and the second is one I actually found through Zanin's Twitter feed, a Facebook entry by someone who knew Ghomeshi personally:

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1491910081073780&id=1387461484851974

This one, I'll actually quote here, as it summarizes a lot of my thoughts as to why he probably should be convicted:

I was challenged by a friend to say something about the recent allegations against Jian Ghomeshi.

Jian is my friend. I have appeared twice on Q. But there is no grey area here. Three women have been beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.

I have sat with Jian over drinks and discussed our respective anxiety disorders. We have been photographed hugging on camera.

Just ten days ago, I helped him find musicians for his father’s funeral. Three women have said that Jian beat them without their consent.

“We will never really know what happened.” Yes we do. Jian beat, at the very least, three women. Three women said so. “They were jilted exes.” Maybe so. They were beaten by Jian.

“They were freelance writers looking to get ahead.” Three women were beaten by Jian Ghomeshi.

At no point here will I ever give my friend Jian’s version of the truth more creedence than the version of the truth offered up by three women. Anonymity does not mean these women do not exist.

“They were engaged in BDSM role-play.” This: this is something I need to talk about.

The beauty of BDSM relationships is that the power is always in the hands of the sub. BDSM and choke play is a subversion of male violence.

To hear that anybody has been abusing the BDSM power relationship for the purpose of engaging in non-consensual violence-against-women is horrifying.

That is not the point of BDSM. BDSM is in fact about the exact opposite thing. It is about repurposing acts of violence into creating a power dynamic of fucking EQUALITY.

As for the rest. I have seen my Facebook feed littered with comments about how “for years we’ve known Jian to be a shady character.”

I too have heard endless rumours that he’s been a bad date, and have heard stories of shadiness and strange behaviour.

I have heard about his ridiculous pick-up lines and have (to my shame) tittered about them with my friends. But I have never heard, until today, that Jian Ghomeshi beats women.

I am skeptical of arts reporting. I am skeptical of Canadian journalism. I am sensitive toward shaming of people who are so-called sexual deviants.

But let’s be clear. Whether the court decides that predatory men are punished or exonerated does not silence the voices of the victims. It does not make victims liars.

Whether our culture continues to celebrate the works of predatory men is another issue. It does not silence the voices of the victims.

Jian Ghomeshi is my friend, and Jian Ghomeshi beats women. How our friendship will continue remains to be seen.

I'll be honest; this situation is my own personal nightmare. I know the only thing that stands between me, or many other sadists, and the actuality of the accusations against Jian is a conscience. An unwillingness to do something non-consensually that, with consent, is a turn-on. A forced perspective on the potential consequences, the side effects, the things that can - and do - go wrong for people with my interests every day. The risks - physical, mental, societal, familial, and legal. The knowledge that there are people out there who would happily take the things I'm interested in and condemn me for them, even if they believed that I never have and never will carry them out with someone who hasn't agreed to them... And use them to end my life as I know it. It doesn't matter if there's a conviction; this is the type of thing that loses people jobs, friends and family. My ex-wife, even though she willingly participated in BDSM at times, has explicitly threatened me with taking these accusations to court to convince a judge to take my son away.

It's... Terrifying. It's unfair, grossly unfair... And it's a terrible way to live. But the worst part is, it isn't completely unjustified. The worst part is knowing there are people who do the things that they say "Us Perverts" do. There are people who commit assault and rape and murder and try to hide behind their kinks. People who show through their actions that the best way for the world to handle us is to treat us as the monsters the conservatives try to claim we are. The best way to fight them is to live your life right; to throw their accusations back in their teeth by being the honest, worthy people we're capable of being.

Living well is the best revenge... But some days, living honestly is the only poor weapon we have in what can seem like a sea of anger and hate.