Dear Polly...

One of the various things I read online these days is Ask Polly, an advice column. Advice columns frequently amuse me, and I go through phases of reading them and not - mostly depending on the balance of how many of them recently have amused me vs. have disturbed or upset me. Just yesterday, though, was this one:

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-hating-myself.html

It's one I identify with. There are any number of differences, of course, but the core of his problem - self-acceptance - is my biggest battle and frequently the biggest problem of kinky people. It's not really too hard to understand why, either; after all, accepting one's being divorced or accepting one's being a vegetarian is easy - your friends, your family, your coworkers will all support you. Being kinky is sortof like being gay in this respect; some people people will love and support you anyway, some people will turn against you because of it, and some people - maybe most people - are happier never knowing. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, and yet it's hard to convince yourself of that when the world around you tries hard to convince you otherwise.

It could be worse; most of us can pass as norms. Many of us come across as eccentric or weird, but we can get by in everyday life. That's not true of all of us - some of us are stuck between being miserable and denying ourselves, or being excluded and even arrested. Some of us need help to avoid being a statistic - and a depressing statistic at that.

There are resources out there, and one of the most useful is the Kink-Aware Professional's Directory. It's not perfect and it's not complete, but it's a good starting point - and sometimes, the people on that list are the difference between freedom and jail time... Or life and death.

Even if you aren't kinky, remember how much the kinky people in your life need your support, your love, and - above all else - your acceptance.

Coming Out as a Modern Family

Here are a couple of lovely links from last year:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/maria-bello-gay-article-1.1534522

I'll admit, I found these articles immensely uplifting. The way Jackson reacted to his mother's admission about Clare was as reassuring as it could have been. The article is such a good reflection of what I've tried to say, though, from end to end. This quote so carefully summarizes the fear we all have:

“But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”

Maria Bello has anything but a traditional relationship; she has a close-knit relationship with multiple platonic and romantic/sexual partners... She's comfortable with it, though, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of her being able to be totally open and out about her lifestyle. And of course, it's a little different - at least, openly, it's different, not being kinky - but still... The bravery it must have taken is amazing.

The biggest lesson to take away from this, though, is the fact that Jackson came to her and asked if there was something she wasn't sharing. Children are observant, and very open about things; adults may not seem as observant, and are much more reserved about calling things out... But the people actually closest to you probably know more than you're telling them.

Marriage Redux

Last night when we were headed to bed, Ash was talking about her friend - I think we'll use the name Abigail - and the fact that her marriage was in the process of ending... Or so it appears. Abby is wandering off into territory that she never really expected to be in. Not many people do expect to be there - I know I didn't, but back in 2005, 2006, 2007 I did. People make promises in marriage, "to have and to hold", "in sickness and in health"... But the vows never seem to account for "in lies and in truth", or "in miscommunication and in perfect understanding", or "in personality changes and epiphanies".

That's the real issue here, of course. As much as I hate my ex-wife - she's done enough to me that I feel she deserves it - I don't actually believe she married me maliciously. Rather, I believe she married me stupidly. I think if she had come out as gay, even just in her own head, she never would have married me; and if I'd known her at the time as well as I thought I did, I never would have married her. 

I don't know Abby or Thaddeus (her husband), but I tend to assume the same - if they actually knew the situation they'd find themselves in now, they wouldn't have been married... And so I tend to give people in these situations the benefit of the doubt. There are people who - for all intents and purposes - marry maliciously... But they're very few and far between.

We don't know what's going on in Thad's head. At this point we (well, mostly Abby, but the people who care about her as well) are still trying to figure out if he's gay, if he's bi but thinks he's gay, if he's straight or bi but lying to Abby for whatever reason... We don't know what their future relationship is going to be. We don't know whether they're going to divorce, whether they're going to stay together in a companionate marriage, or whether they're going to clarify the situation and actually remain a couple.

The conversation, though, also touched on Abby's looking around at people to date, and the comment Ash related to me was when she said she felt weird talking to her gay husband about her dating life... To which Ash responded "Well, you're also talking to your pansexual friend in an open marriage to a dominant sadistic demi-sexual. Welcome to the club."

The problem isn't the idea of their having a companionate marriage, or an open marriage, or a child while not being married. None of those are actually an issue at all, except in the view of some of the more bigoted portions of society. The issue is that the marriage was based on a situation which didn't last - their mutual understanding that he was straight... And it's so frustrating, because it's avoidable! People are so terrified of being honest and open with their feelings and desires and lifestyles that they don't know what to do.

It'll get sorted out eventually; but it's painful for everyone involved until it does.

A repeat, but an important one...

I feel almost bad bringing in this link today because I know I've talked about it before... But it's come up recently in our lives, and it's one of my hot-button issues... So I'm going to let myself go off on this one again.

http://therumpus.net/2011/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-81-a-bit-of-sully-in-your-sweet/

Ms. "Happily Ever After" comes into this question so arrogantly, and frankly, it frustrates me. The entire basis of her question is that she thought her sister and brother-in-law were the paragon of examples right up until she found out their life hadn't been perfect... And it's so absurdly backwards!

Why is it that society's ideal is so focused on a life where nothing goes wrong? On a life that's so unrealistic? I would have thought most people would prefer an ideal they can relate to, one they can aspire to. But they don't - people aspire to the ideals they'll never reach.

This woman's sister and brother-in-law do sound like an amazing example of a loving couple and an excellent ideal to live up to - and I think the fact that they have survived hardship proves it, rather than bringing it into question.

Ms. Happily Ever After says:

I know couples have to work on their relationships, but my position on infidelity is that it’s a deal killer. My fiancé and I have agreed if one of us ever cheated on the other it would be automatically over between us, no conversation required. When I told my sister about this she actually laughed and said we were being “too black and white,” but, Sugar, I don’t want to think that in twenty-five years I’ll be saying that there were times I didn’t think my husband and I would make it. I want healthy love.

It's funny, because I read that and think "to me it's obvious that you don't understand that people have to work on their relationships, because you ruled out the most common way people have to do so". It's somewhat hard to find statistics on exactly how common it is, but it's somewhere between 30% and 60% of all married individuals will cheat during their relationship.

It's hard to find statistics on it, because everyone has their angle; and unfortunately, because of the nature of the question, that angle is usually "infidelity is evil"... And this is where I have to struggle not to go off onto my pet peeve rant... But that's not even relevant to this discussion, because I'm prejudiced in favour of open and polyamorous relationships anyway. My point is... A tested relationship is provably stronger than an untested one. How can you be happy knowing that you've never had a conflict and therefore not knowing what'll happen when you have one?

One thing you hear a lot after a while is "Oh, we had a perfect relationship! We never fought or disagreed." "Why'd you break up?" "Oh, we had a fight." They don't seem to get it - the measure of a relationship isn't what happens when things are going well, it's what happens when things don't go well.

Ash and I don't fight much. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but we honestly just don't disagree enough on much to actually have many fights. That doesn't mean we haven't fought - we have, usually when one of us feels neglected or misunderstood. But mostly, we talk. We have an interest and a strong desire to keep our relationship intact... And we know that means we have to work to make sure the other person is happy. I have no illusions I meet all her needs; she has no illusions she meets all of mine... And that's fine. We know that, we accept that, we love each other, and our relationship is shaped around it. I have disappointed her and made mistakes; she's done the same to me... And our relationship is stronger because of it. Both because we learned more about each other, and because it's driven home the point that we need to work to keep each other in our lives.

As I think all my readers know, this marriage is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted five years - from 2002 to 2007 - and in hindsight was the product of an immense amount of ignorance on both of our parts. I was naive, thinking I could suppress a lot of my needs and our differences; while she was lying - either to me or to herself - for the entire duration. My ex-wife (let's call her Celia) is gay, and had an extended relationship with her now-wife (let's go with Pat) while we were married. I'm not trying to be difficult by not giving you a number; it's just that, well, I don't know exactly how long it was. I know that the first time Celia told Pat she loved her was about two and a half years into our marriage - and things went downhill from there... Though it took me far too long to admit it. It's unclear when she changed from lying to herself to lying to me... But the entire marriage was based on her running from what she wanted - and my misunderstanding what it was I needed to ask for. The fact that she and I didn't fight for most of our marriage wasn't a sign our relationship was strong; it was a sign our relationship had failed from the beginning, and neither of us was brave or smart enough to admit it.

Most people see the surface, and not the truth; most people see the ideals and not the reality. Relationships aren't as simple as that.

Growing Up

One of the more common topics of conversation between Ash and me (along with Pokemon, work, family, and a handful of others) is my son - and specifically, how he's growing up. It's funny; she met him about three years ago, and has watched a number of milestones for him. Growing out of his "crying over everything" phase; the first time he was tall enough to walk into a doorknob; getting big enough to get his own drinks; giving himself showers instead of being given baths... He's growing up and getting bigger and turning into a real person right before our very eyes.

And anyone who knows me and interacts with him can see how much he takes after me. He looks almost freakishly like I did back at that age, though the similarity is starting to decrease; but he has similar interests as me and his mind works very much the same way as mine. The way he plays games and the games he tends to gravitate towards match me; I've helped him with his homework for the last several years and he has the same strengths and weaknesses as I do academically, as well.

The natural fear for me, then, is that he's going to have some of the same problems I did with kink and his sexual identity. There's part of me that really wants to help him with it; after all, I've been through a lot and experienced second- and third-hand quite a bit more... And if he is going to end up with the same issues I did, I want to do my best to ease that transition. But I'm also victim to the same "Ewww, gross" reaction that's endemic to large parts of the population - very few people want to think about their parents having sex.

I know far more about my parents' sex life than I really want to, from the various times I've accidentally walked in on them having sex to the naked pictures they forgot to delete off of a digital camera I borrowed once to the books and movies and porn I've found at various points in my life. Even then they raised me quite conservatively; we never had "the talk". We never discussed this, and I know that informs my own discomfort in talking about it even now - a reaction I'm struggling quite actively against through avenues such as this blog. It's far too easy to assume that he will be the same way... But I really don't want him to be. So how does one handle that? What's my responsibility and ability to help him avoid the same issues? And where is it right for me to?

And this isn't to say, of course, that it's all about sex; because my fears actually lie far more heavily on relationships. For better or worse my son is not going to have a single traditional relationship in his family to lean on.

Note, I don't say "typical", because "the norm" has shifted so much recently. Divorced parents were, last time I heard, actually more common than not; and children (both biological and adopted) of homosexual couples are not particularly uncommon. Even if everyone was 100% certain of their sexuality from day one and was 100% honest about it with all of their partners - things both my and Ash's lives have proved to be utterly false - gays and lesbians aren't immune to the same familial urges as other folks. Families happen, however they grow and evolve... But my son has a lesbian mother and stepmother on the one side, and a demi-sexual poly father and bisexual stepmother on the other. On some level the poor boy doesn't stand a chance.

Far more than just the trouble in struggling through my own issues to talk to him, though, is when is it appropriate to do so? One concept I've shamelessly stolen from multiple sources (Fetlife, Dan Savage, Dear Abby, other blogs and advice columns) is the idea of the "right not to know". When do we start talking about these things, and when we do, how much do we talk about? There's a difference between knowing "Oh, yeah, your parents are kinky" and "Oh, yeah, I was triple-penetrating and whipping your mother last night".

I don't think anyone would hesitate to agree eight is far too young to hear that kind of detail about my sex life - I'd argue that thirty is too young to hear that kind of detail about my parents' sex life, if it weren't too late. More to the point, though... If we do find a girlfriend who becomes a part of our family, at what point do we say to the boy "Yes, she may not actually be married to us, but she's part of our family too"?

I don't know what the answer is; or more realistically, there probably isn't really a single answer to go with. I know I'm struggling with it, though, and I know many other folks are - whether they realize it or not. I guess if I figure it out I'll let you know.

I will say, though... My son may not have a chance of being "normal", but he'll certainly have a good example of how to be tolerant of the little differences that make all our families exciting.

I was listening to the Savage Lovecast - as I am wont to do when a new episode comes out. This week's, #426, was a live Christmas episode recorded at the Neptune Theatre in Seattle with special guests Rachel Lark and Derek Sheen, and it was a lot less serious and more fun than most. Still, they had their typical phone calls, all across the board. One was from a girl talking about her boyfriend and her boyfriend's other girlfriend and what to do at the holidays, which I very well may come back to in the near future for a post... But the one that really struck a nerve and that I'm going to talk about today, however far off my normal beaten path it is, was a mother who called in to ask something about her daughter. The problem was that here daughter is uncertain about her gender identity, and the mother called up the Lovecast to ask what the best way to ask "What gender she was that day". Rachel Lark's advice amounted to "stay gender-neutral and avoid the subject as hard you can".

...Both of these bothered me a great deal, and one of the easiest ways to explain why is to tell you Derek Sheen's answer: that the mother was asking the wrong question... And instead she should be teaching her daughter that gender isn't a binary. The problem here isn't "figuring out what gender the daughter is that day"; the problem is the mindset that there's only two choices... And someone who hasn't chosen one of them isn't okay.

This is a problem all over the spectrum, and it's one I tend to worry about more in my day-to-day life as it applies to sexuality. This directly relates to things like the Kinsey scale - after all, I'm something like a 0 or a 1 but know people all over the range. It's hard enough to convince some people that there's more than one option in sexuality; convincing them there's two - heterosexuality and homosexuality - is impossible with the bigoted. Convincing people there's a whole spectrum including homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, and everything else? It's... An uphill fight, shall we say.

And gender... Gender is harder. Gender is fixed by biology, right? Of course it is! You're assigned a gender at birth and it never changes... Except for all those little differences. Like people born with genetic gender disorders - XXX, XXY, XYY, XXYY, XXXX, XXXXX... But far more subtle and far more insidious are those people whose gender doesn't match their body.

It's not as simple as some people who are born male but identify female or some people who are born female but identify male; it's about people, no matter their biological gender, who don't fit society's rules. It's about people who don't know what they are... They just know they aren't a male or a female.

I know where I fit on these spectrums... Most people really do. But not everyone does. And this poor girl, even with her mother's good intentions, is being set up to be confused and depressed and conflicted and lost.

Somewhere between "oops" and "ooh noooooo"

So, it's Christmas. Good ol' December 25th. I'm not a fan, but a lot of people are, so let's not dwell on that.

What today's date also means is that I'm basically a hair's breadth away from being 31 years old. I've changed a lot over the past few years (a lot of it for the better, I'd say), and one thing I thought I had gotten over was my ability to completely and utterly embarrass myself to the point of not being able to replay the situation over and over in my head until I collapse. It's useless in terms of damage control and it isn't particularly kind to my mental state, but I had managed to lose that part of myself a while ago.

At least, I thought I had.

Last week, late in the evening, Mike's exwife stopped by to grab something their son had left at our place. Our place, the tiny mess. Our place, where you enter in the living room and can see my command center of a computer in its entirety, the monitors readable at a step or  two from the door.

On the main screen was Facebook, and in the corner was a conversation with my friend Rex. In that conversation was the phrase "whenever Mike starts talking to new people on OkCupid."

Fuck.

So the exwife came into the apartment, took a few steps toward the table/desk we spend most of our time at, and, I fear, read the conversation. The one that points toward a non-standard relationship. The type of relationship she has hinted at being unacceptable and worth hauling his ass into court over in the hopes of taking his parental rights away.

Nope, that panicky embarrassment is still there, front and center.

Fuck.

I tried to figure out if coming out to people about my sexuality and facing rejection was worse than accidentally coming out as poly/open to a potentially hostile woman whose existence in our lives is dictated by the existence of the stepson I adore beyond reason. Maybe it's the fact that I'm now half a lifetime away from the days I admitted I "like girls," but this actually feels more painful. The harassment back then was awful, but this? This potentially carries more weight.

Mike's response to the situation was, initially "fuck her" (not literally) and that, if it came up, we would deal with it. He didn't blame me or say I fucked up (that's all me), and his feeling was, if she says anything, he has no problem pointing out that she shouldn't have been reading my screen, regardless of it being out in plain view.

Meanwhile, I'm just hoping it doesn't come up. I spend enough time feeling alienated in terms of being able to talk to people about how our relationship works that I don't need someone to know who will ultimately have a problem with it -- more than the average person does to begin with, I guess.

What's fun is that I'm totally in favor of people just being out and open about their sexuality and their relationships. But because I'm still not comfortable with the perception of certain flavors of relationships, it keeps me from actually engaging the part of myself that is polyamorous and bisexual. I'll admit to being a total wimp and taking the easy way out and hiding in the appearance of heteronormativity, sticking to admitting ladycrushes to my husband and a few friends and playing loops of sexy-girl-time in my head when the situation warrants it.

Standard stuff, I guess, for most married people. It just makes me feel like a fraud.

Ultimately, the panic has lessened enough that I can function again, but I'm still afraid. Thankfully we will be out of this apartment soon and you can be damn sure I will be hiding my computer screen better in the next place.

Not what it seems at first glance...

I've been on a roll with the FetLife links recently... So why let up now? I was totally prepared, based on the title, to be ravingly angry at this post:

https://fetlife.com/groups/14857/group_posts/6322050

Most of the time when this type of title comes up it's an arrogant chest-beating neanderthal who I'd be way happier punching through a wall than giving them the time of day. This person's post is... A pleasant surprise. Well reasoned, polite, and not full of the kind of entitled bullshit that drove me away from The Scene in the first place.

All too often on dating sites, you get the horror stories of some jackass messaging a woman and saying "Hey R U DTF?" or "Show me ur tits" or something similarly intelligent. The equivalent of that on kink/BDSM sites and Fetlife is "Kneel, slut, and worship your Master!" as an introductory message. It astounds me that people ever think that's a good idea. It shows an arrogance, a lack of respect, a total lack of understanding of basic humanity... And it's common. It's everywhere. These people are in your house!!!

Okay; in the vast majority of cases they aren't in your house, but my point stands. If you spend any decent amount of time in the lifestyle, you can't avoid them. They may get blacklisted, they may get shunned... But somewhere they get enough encouragement to keep going. Go figure.

Back to the actual post, though... With only minimal amounts of allowance for variations on a theme, these could all apply to me.

• Devotion. I won't go so far as to say "Devoted only to me," but that's because I'm naturally poly and sortof assume any slave I have would be as well... And even then exactly what limits there are would have to be carefully talked out to make sure neither of us got a nasty shock.
• Willingness. A desire to please, and an openness to trust that things I introduce them to are worth trying.
• Patience. I'm... A trying person to live with, and I'm aware of that. Life with me is frequently not easy. This is a big one, on way more levels than my kink life.
• Generosity. A willingness to give.
• Honesty. This is my big hot-button issue; without honesty, full honesty in both directions, our relationship stands no chance. I wish more people saw that.
• A sense of humour. The ability to smile and enjoy your life as well as our life.
• Independence. The ability to think and act for yourself... Even if we agree we don't always want you to.

A lot of people won't agree with some or all of these, and that's fine. Myself, I'd probably add some, like intelligence and spirit. But that's fine. The real gold is in the third comment:

Qualities of a good sub/slave? The qualities her/his Owner wants in his/her sub/slave.

Some (femDoms especially) only want an owned who is totally devoted to them. It means the only duty or desire of the Owner is do as I want, don't tell me about your life, don't care about anything about you except what you can do for me. Some Doms want to micromanage and don't want the owned to think on their own at all including when to pee, when to eat, every little move.

So what is said here is good for this Dom but may not be for some others. Most of what she said is good in any relationship IMO.

<snip>

What is most important to me? FIrst...finding someone who sees this life and my part in it similar to his. Then listen to him and do as he says including carrying through with things I know he needs/wants without having to tell me each time.

Her specific examples aren't quite to my taste, but her central point stands: the most important measure of whether you're a good sub is whether you and your Dom are both happy with your behaviour and your relationship. If you can get that far, where you two are content? Other peoples' opinions just don't matter, so screw the rest.

A Brief Rant...

I keep up, in my own quaint little way, on kink in the world. I follow a number of groups on Fetlife; I listen to Dan Savage; I follow a couple of blogs; I follow news stories and follow some events as they happen... There's certainly much more I could do to be up-to-date on kink news and culture, but I keep a toe in. And recently, quite a few times, I've come up against someone that has been pushing my buttons; people talking about the fact that they're "Poly" because they have sex with a lot of women. Let me release a small amount of bile; if that's what you're saying, YOU AREN'T POLY.

One definition of polyamoury found online is the following:

The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

To be blunt, if you sleep with a lot of women, you may be open; it's possible you're poly; it's quite likely you're a slut (said in the most friendly, loving way possible); you may be a big stud... But poly is different. Poly is actually maintaining multiple, honest relationships... Not having a huge list of women to call up when you're horny, or being good at picking up men in bars when you're out.

I refer to myself as poly, and I suppose it's a little unfair of me to be so grumpy without differentiating. Fine; I'm poly by nature, without being actively poly right now. There's nothing inherently wrong with having sex a lot - with one person or dozens of people. There's nothing wrong with having one relationship, or five relationships (if you have the energy for it). But for the sanity of those of us who care... Learn what your terms mean? Please?

Tomorrow is a New Day

So a while back, I found two articles by a woman called Helen Croydon:

http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2014/04/screw-fairy-tale-it-s-time-rethink-monogamy

and

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118931/monogamy-rare-new-commitment-currency

Anyone who's read any of my blog knows my opinions on open/poly vs. monogamous won't be surprised by the fact that I agree wit most of what they say; still, it's worth looking at it from another perspective. Those numbers in the 2nd paragraph of the 2nd story really scary me... But they don't surprise me. I've encountered that type of thing before; hell, I've been in relationships like that before.

Out of her online survey, 7 people out of 100 said that just thinking about another person was cheating - was unacceptable. This happened to me in my first marriage; my ex-wife was so upset by the thought I might find another woman attractive, without ever saying anything, without ever acting on it... Just the idea that I might find another woman attractive was cheating to her... Which is patently absurd. Not all human thought is conscious. Most human emotion isn't conscious. No human can meet that standard. It may not happen immediately, it may not happen every day, but eventually you'll see someone on TV or walk past someone on the street who happens to push your button; and you'll find tem attractive. It's not like that's a problem; it's not that it's unreasonable. It's that some people are so insecure and jealous that they can't handle human nature.

Relationships are just so... Fragile, these days. Maria made a comment earlier today about "never having had a successful relationship", which I objected to; most people have very poor ideas of how relationships are supposed to work. A relationship not lasting forever is seen as a failure by almost everyone I know; but that's just as absurd as saying that you'll never be attracted to anyone except the person you're with. Relationships start, and relationships end. They change, they evolve, they aren't always recognizable as what they originally were... But most relationships end quickly. Why? Because you're not meant to be together. You get to know each other... And that process indicates you aren't meant to stay forever.

In either of these cases, why has the relationship failed? Because it didn't meet some unrealizable ideal. Our culture has idealized this holy state of "dating" or "being in a relationship", when all it really means is you both get something out of spending time with the other person. And this is where I stumble with respect to monogamy - because I get something out of every relationship I have, not just ones that end up naked and in bed.

I love my friends. In a very real sense, that's how I define friendship; my friends are the people who I care about. I get something out of my relationships with them, or I wouldn't care about them. Some of them are sexual; some of them are platonic. Some are same-sex, some are opposite-sex. Some are based in our professional lives, some are based in our gaming lives, some are based in our kink lives, some are based in our sporting/martial arts lives... They're all different; but they all bring me something else, some value, something better than my life would be without.

As Ash said... Even the labels "monogamous" and "non-monogamous/open/poly" aren't always fair. I didn't go into this relationship, this marriage, intending to be monogamous; or intending to be polyamorous; or even thinking hard about it. I went into this relationship realizing we enjoyed each other, and looking for something stable. In my own geeky pseudo-scientific thoughts, it's a higher-energy stable condition. She had a stable life without me; I had a stable life without her; those two lives went away, and now we have a stable life together. Our life together is better than our lives apart... So we're still together. Not complicated. But my dating and being attracted to other people doesn't change that stability. It doesn't change that our life is still together just because I'm involved with other people. In fact, sometimes it's even better still because we're together and I'm seeing other people.

My need for companionship and my need for a submissive are, for the most part, exclusive. I still choose to believe it's theoretically possible one person could fulfill them both; but I've not found someone who does, not properly. Ash is the best companion I've ever had; my best friend, my lover, my wife, (step-)mother to my child. But she isn't my submissive; and the fact that I don't have one makes me sad. Having a sub fills a hole somewhere in me... And that makes my life better, and - as a result - the lives of everyone I relate to better, even if only indirectly.

It's not a hard concept; it's just hard for people to accept they're not losing something when their boyfriend, or girlfriend, or lover, or spouse also loves someone else. Hearts aren't finite; but brains are jealous. And it's that jealousy, that unwillingness to admit the very lack of loss, that leaves our society where it is today.

Maria is a friend who I lost touch with for many years, and we reconnected essentially by accident. We agreed in principle, a couple of days ago, to negotiating for her to become my slave; a process that, right now, I expect will take a while to sort out. I'm cautious and want to make sure we both understand each other, but I'm excited; this has the potential to be very good for both of us. And Ash? Ash is really excited. She isn't excited because she'll lose some of my time; and she's not yet met Maria, so she's not excited at getting a chance to have this woman around. She's excited because her husband, her love - me - has a chance to have a hole in his life filled, and she knows it's a chance for the life of everyone involved to be a bit better.

I'm very lucky to have this opportunity. Do I know how it's going to work out? No. We may just never be able to come to agreement about what limits and rules we can live with; we may never quite get to the place where we can say "Yes, Maria is my slave and we're both content." But we might; and we like that prospect... And we know that if we don't get there, it isn't a failure for us. There aren't illusions about perfection or permanence, not yet. Hopes? Sure. There always are. But for now... It's one day at a time, as we all work to be in a better place tomorrow.

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

I am posting this on behalf of Ash; however, going forwards, you should look forward to continued entries under her own name.

---

In Mike's last post, he discussed a recent Savage Lovecast episode where a caller wanted some input on how to handle the fact that his ex-wife told their daughter that their marriage ended because he cheated, with the truth of the situation being more complicated than it would appear. I wanted to weigh in on this, given I have some first-hand experience on the caller's daughter's end.

It was strange to learn that Mike's first marriage was basically a similar one to my parents', with the main difference being a gender swap. I knew at a very young age that my dad liked men and that this was why my parents weren't together anymore (they divorced when I was three-ish) -- but I don't actually remember the big reveal on the "gay thing" or on the "cheated on mom" thing -- I was just aware of it, enough to ask him about it over the years. What I do remember is that what bothered me wasn't the fact that he cheated (repeatedly) but the fact that he and his now-husband had such a caustic relationship, and he wasn't that great of a father.

Maybe it's a logic thing on my part where I can understand cheating if you can't live within the confines of your relationship. I understood why my dad would want to be with men (that's what gay men do), but what I didn't understand was why he married my mom and had me in the first place, given he didn't seem to really put his back into being a dad at all. He never fought for me, instead fighting around me, which didn't make me want to be there any more often than absolutely possible. Combine that with it never occurring to him to make sure I had space of my own at any of his apartments, and I felt uncomfortable and out of place every other weekend for sixteen years.

The fact is, Mike loves his son and his son knows it. They are very similar and I don't know what would happen if his mother told him damning things, regardless of whether or not they're true. Unlike my father, he tries to connect with his son and does his best to teach him how to be a good person. If his ex-wife decides to do something like spread lies or misinformation, then I'm hoping their son can balance it out with knowing Mike is his biggest fan.

The other side of it is that Mike doesn't actively talk about his ex-wife often unless his son brings it up. He has plenty of reason to villainize her, but he doesn't. She's still his son's mother and involving their son in their own issues just ultimately makes them look bad.

My point is, I guess, that telling personal truths to children can be rough but the way you combat them is to, as Dan Savage put it, "don't be a monster." Be a good parent to your kids and hopefully they'll judge you on that instead of just adding another log to the fire of you-in-effigy they've had burning for a while.

While True, It's Not the Whole Story

Hello Dan; I am a mid-40s male in the midwest. I have just been told by my 12-year-old daughter her mom has told her that the reason that her mom and I divorced is that I cheated on her. While that is true it does not tell the whole story...

That was the first couple of sentences of a caller's message on the Savage Lovecast this week. It's from episode 420; check it out here (I recommend the podcast in general, not just the ones I comment on). It's not the first time I've heard it... And it struck very close to home. This is a person who was with his wife for a number of years; a marriage that turned into a sexless, possibly emotionally abusive relationship. There was cheating, a divorce, and then he married the person he cheated with; and his ex, the mother of his daughter, has explicitly fingered that and him to be the reason their marriage fell apart.

This struck me for two reasons - first, because of how much it reminded me of our own marriage; and second, because of how close-to-home it strikes me relative to my ex's threats around my son. And the guy's problem, while I sympathize and identify with it, isn't the most important part of the podcast, not the part most worth listening to; Dan's response is.

I don't think I've talked about it directly before, but my marriage ended in an incredibly ugly way. There were accusations of cheating, actual cheating, yelling, arguments, suicide attempts, a mental hospital, a coming out as bisexual (which to this day I still don't know whether it was honest) followed - two years later - by a coming out as lesbian, and an enormous amount of pain. I'll never know with certainty how much of our marriage was her lying to herself and how much was her lying to me; I do have a pretty good idea how much of it was her using me to get what she wanted at my expense even after she no longer loved me or wanted to be with me. And yet with all this, with all this history, she still felt virtuous in threatening to take my kinks to a judge and trying to have my son taken away - because in her mind, I was a monster, and therefore it was natural to assume everyone else would agree. And the really damning part? Most of them would.

You asked me, how do you convince her you're not a monster? You don't be a monster.

It's hard enough presenting my lifestyle to adults. It's hard enough trying to make them understand there's nothing wrong with me because of my interest in pain, or blood, or bondage, or domination and submission. It's hard enough trying to make them understand there's nothing wrong with me because of the fact I don't use monogamy as a natural rest state and am honest enough to sometimes say that out loud.

What most people seem to forget is that in these cases, most of the time, we're not the bad guys; all too often we're the victims. It's easy to condemn us because we're different; it's easy to condemn us because our minds don't run in quite the same circles as everyone else. It's worse because we're open about it sometimes, even proud of it... It's worse when we aren't ashamed, because we're accused of flaunting it or "spreading our disease".

The best defense you have against this is education. When your children are 8, or 12? No, this isn't a conversation you should be having, at least in the specific sense; they shouldn't know all about your sex life. But when they're 16, 18, 20? When your parents are the ones? Your siblings? Yes - they should know. They should know the truth about the kinks, about the interests, about the fact that there's nothing wrong with being poly or dominant or masochistic or anything else. This won't be any easier with kink than it is with homosexuality; some people are just bigoted and no amount of logic or truth will sway that. And sometimes, they should know that the ones their bigotry and ignorance are hurting are their family.

I'm terrified of talking to my parents about it, because they are bigoted and set in their ways; I'm not scared of telling my sister or my cousins any more, because they're much more supportive of the.. Different and minorities (...and, well, because we already told my one cousin we're poly anyway). And I'm scared of telling my son, but I actually don't think it'll go badly. I don't particularly care if he grows up being straight or gay or bi or pansexual; vanilla or kinky or whatever. He has a shot at being brought up without the kindof of narrow-minded bigotry that poisons too much of our culture and leads to me being labelled a monster.

The real monster in this situation is ignorance... And it's not something you'll ever escape. It's something you simply have to pick your battles and stand you ground and be proud of who you are.

A Guest Post...

So Mike mentioned this article (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/25/our-three-way-relationship-isnt-your-business-even-if-were-doing-business) the other day and brought up the dread he felt in response to it, without going into a lot of detail. The main takeaway was the fact that rolling out the inherent threeness of a potential relationship is problematic for him, especially in light of his exwife's inherent conservatism.

For me, though, the dread comes from a totally different angle.

First, like the lesbian married to a man in another article Mike posted recently, I take issue with being automatically assumed to be straight by the simple fact that I am married to a man. I am not a fan of "rounding up/down to heterosexual," leaving me to come out repeatedly to random people whenever the conversation lends itself to it -- for example, when talking about Hooters, my coworker mentioned being a little offended that the waitress had flirted with her in front of her boyfriend, leaving me to point out that not everyone in relationships is unwilling to flirt, and not all women with male partners have issues with ladies flirting with them.

In a lot of ways, I worry about how people would react if Mike and I did find a good match for both of us. For Mike, yes, it could cause issues with his exwife because she might assume our home would be an inappropriate place to raise their child. Meanwhile I know Mike's mother would more or less disown me, to say nothing of my own family, because there was never any option but for this magical third to be anything but some approximation of female given that is where our broad physical interests overlap. There is no real challenge to Mike's image being presented, whereas mine will come under scrutiny considering his first wife turned out to be a closeted lesbian.

When I came out to my immediate family in high school as a liker-of-ladies, my youngest sister was the only one who didn't care. My mother insisted it was a result of sexual abuse and because my *gay* father was also a *bad* father. My dad pretended not to hear me, and my middle sister was disgusted (and conveniently later chose to forget about it entirely). My school friends chose not to believe me, except for the ones I would occasionally make out with. It wasn't an uncommon reaction, but it more or less forced me back in the closet in their eyes: so I have basically been rounding up/down to straight because that's what happens when your family and friends refuse to take your female relationships at face-value.

So there is a serious part of me that feels queasy at the thought of re-coming out, with the lovely added bonus of explaining how Mike's and my marriage works (which could easily be the subject of many a blogpost).

It wouldn't be fair to our potential third to be kept a secret or be treated like a perpetual roommate, but I would be lying if I didn't admit the whole thing is as terrifying as it seems potentially wonderful. I can't tell if my concern would keep me from pursuing something, but it would certainly affect how I made people aware of the situation when it became serious enough to matter. I get enough grief for not being threatened by the idea of Mike having freedoms and using them (even though I have the same freedoms and generally don't take advantage of them) that I cannot imagine the response to admitting our relationship involves a third person.

Ultimately, it's all speculation until it becomes a reality. I have little faith we will find a good fit (Mike and I have very different needs/wants in our partners), but until then, maybe I should start putting money aside for a bigger bed since they are pretty expensive...but would be totally worth it when the time came.

-Ash.

Ash sent me this link a few days ago:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/25/our-three-way-relationship-isnt-your-business-even-if-were-doing-business

...I worry about this. This is something I dread. I mean, it's not like we have a third, or someone that might be moving in any time soon; but it's something we've talked about, something we're aware may happen if we find the right person. And this is something that may happen. Worse, I'm going to consciously make the choice to inflict this on us, because of my ex...

I've gone on and on about this on a couple of other posts, so I won't go on a rant on it. But this is my thought for the day.

The Space in the Middle

I used to be incredibly homphobic, which occasionally - when it comes to mind - I'm still ashamed of. My parents are unfortunately rather more homophobic than I (even then, let alone now) and it's very easy to sortof default to their beliefs when you never stop and think about it; and the first time I was ever actually confronted with it and forced to consider it was graduate school, after I'd moved out. Even after that, for my marriage and divorce, I had an odd and kindof silly dichotomy internalized; the idea of a bisexual (primarily female, of course, since I'm not attracted to men) was totally okay with me, but the idea of a homosexual (male or female) bothered me. This stupidity on my part proceeded to not be helped by my now-ex-wife; I spent longer than I probably should have associating my pain caused by (and hatred towards) her with the fact that she was gay, not the fact that she was just a selfish bitch.

Since then I like to think I've come a long way. I spent a lot of time reading on sexuality in its various forms, and as I moved away from my ex and my parents my circle of friends has drifted far more to the less vanilla (e.g. more accepting) side. It's easy to keep up that kindof prejudice in isolation; it's much harder to do so when actually exposed to the people you're demonizing, and you realize that they're just as loving and human and normal (or not!) as everyone else.

The realization I've made more recently - in just the last couple of years - is that my misunderstanding was much more basic; relationship and sexual preference is not a dichotomy, no matter how much people want to make it look that way sometimes; it's a spectrum. Or really, it's multiple spectra, all crammed together in a confusing mass that makes me occasionally amazed it works at all. At the very least, though, there are four separate but related spectra: sexual preference, relationship preference, sexual drive and relationship drive.

Sexual preference is the one that most people are familiar with. I'm a fan of the Kinsey scale myself (I'm somewhere around a 0 or 1), as it pretty well captures my views on it. I know some people object to it based on the bisexual/pansexual differentiation, but I don't think it necessarily excludes it; the argument for bi vs. pan seems to be more based on gender duality vs. gender spectrum, and - for the moment at least - I'd prefer to acknowledge it's not a closed discussion and move away from it.

Relationship preference spectrum is something I never seriously considered until relatively recently, but now that I have I'm a big fan of the concept. You can arguably also say there's a third one here - "friendship preference spectrum" separate from "relationship/romance preference spectrum" - but I don't personally differentiate strongly enough to call them different things. Of course that could be an artifact of my own nature; I don't particularly differentiate between friends and girlfriends, either, for the most part... So I'm sure someone'll read this and call me out on it. Either way, your relationship preference is just as real as your sexual preference. Some folks interact most well with the same sex (homoromantic) and some with the opposite sex (heteroromantic), while some really work fine with both (bi/panromantic).

The other two I mentioned, of course, are drives - sex drive and romantic drive, or the sexual/asexual and romantic/aromantic spectra. For one reason or another (and I've gone into this in a previous post) some people
simply don't have the same drive for it. Obviously, if you're low on the spectrum you're going to fall into the asexual/demisexual/greysexual area; but it's sometimes not that simple. The nature of the interactions between your positions on the various spectra can put you in an unenviable - and confusing - spot.

What I mean here is that those spectra, unfortunately, aren't necessarily tied to each other and that can lead to a number of conflicts. A simple example - someone with a very high sex drive but a very low romantic drive. This is the person your mother warns you about - someone who isn't interested in a relationship, isn't interested in friendship, but has a strong need to fulfill their sexual drive. And the thing is, this is actually a large group of people; it covers people who are just totally uninterested in friendship or romance, but also could cover people with severe anxiety, medical problems or other conditions that make friendships and relationships problematic or undesired by the person in question.

I think, though, that a far worse situation is something where their sex drive is high and romance drive is high, but their relationship spectra are in sharp opposition - homosexual and heteroromantic or heterosexual and homoromantic. Friends are a part of most peoples' lives... But someone who is romantically attracted to men while sexually attracted to women really has the worst part of both worlds. It can be exceptionally difficult to built a sexual relationship around one sex when you have trouble relating romantically to them - and in the two cases I know of who I'd classify in this situation, they ended up dealing with it by essentially trying to become asexual. No matter how high their sex drive was, their sexual interests conflicted so much with the rest of their relationships that they only way they were able to really handle it was by suppressing it.

And me? On the sexual spectrum, I'm essentially all the way over on the "hetero" side. For sex drive? Pretty low - down near the bottom. For romantic drive? Very high - that's what I do. And for romantic spectrum? I'm still trying to figure it out, but somewhere in the middle.

Coming Out as Asexual

I asked a few people what they thought I should write about, and got a handful of useful suggestions - I think my favourite was "Parking Lot BDSM 101". Ash suggested the idea of coming out as asexual to your significant others, which - honestly - I dismissed because it sounded too... Stressful to try and write about for today. Totally unrelatedly, I was watching videos put up by a girl from Paris I've recently started following on Tumblr & Blogger who goes by Antastesia (it's not clear to me if it's her real name or a screen name, but for my purposes it doesn't matter). I started going back through her videos on YouTube, and that led me down the rabbit-hole of following "related videos" links...

Coming out as asexual can all too easily end up generating a lot of stress for you, as well. There are so many responses that can be insulting and frustrating... "Is it because you were raped/sexually abused?" or "You didn't like it? Oh, everyone feels that way the first time..." or "Oh, that'll pass" or "Once you've met the right person you'll forget that silly idea." Asexuality still has so little exposure and support that most people just interpret it as a phase or reaction to something else... Not as a state of being or sexual orientation by itself.

The lack of support can really make the entire possibility of coming out as asexual terrifying, and the funny thing is it's almost the opposite of the problems you hit with being LGBT. If you come out as LGBT, people typically believe you're being straightforward and just disagree with your nature (or "choice"), with all the stress and problems and arguments that entails; if you come out as asexual they're far more likely to simply think you're *wrong*. Most people, even the ones who object to it, don't think of being gay as a problem to be fixed, like a medical or psychological condition - they see it as a choice or a mental state. Asexuality is more often seen as a condition - and while they may sympathize, they don't support it.

Depending on the context, though, it can be more than that - and it can be a nasty shock to someone. The worst example here is, of course, a boyfriend or girlfriend; a significant other who thinks they're in a sexual relationship (at some point, at least) may be anywhere between upset, offended, or angry that you're "doing this to them"... And it's not entirely unjustified. If it's sprung on a boyfriend or girlfriend, it's entirely possible you'll be dumped. Even family members can react very badly; after all, declaring yourself as asexual is tantamount to announcing you'll never have children or continue the family.

Asexuals have relationships - after all, asexual is not the same as aromantic. The relationships are just different enough that the average person probably won't be comfortable in them.

So is it worth actually going through the process of coming out to someone? In a lot of cases, no. Who are you thinking about coming out to? Is it someone who's affected by it? Is it someone who you'd normally discuss your sex life with? It simple isn't most peoples' business; and while it will greatly affect your relationships, like anything else in the realm - kinks, medical conditions, or anything else that may change your sex life - it's not necessarily first date material, may not be appropriate for work, and - for the most part - certainly isn't something you announce to random folks on the street. Consider carefully before taking the risk of stepping out and talking about it.

I leave you with the following links to my favourite of the YouTube videos I browsed through. Hopefully some of them will be valuable to you as well as to me!

Fear of Sex:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eLvhS7Q-dg&index=14&list=UUDPxVSjvT-KyQhAetmYTWcg

Asexuality FAQ:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrwjMjoJU30&index=26&list=UUDPxVSjvT-KyQhAetmYTWcg

My Sexuality/Asexuality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3VCjgVm7_8&index=61&list=UUDPxVSjvT-KyQhAetmYTWcg

Coming Out as an Asexual
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QNz1J3PJ6k

Interesting "Coming Out as Asexual" stories
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dqSedHtn1A

Bonus Link!

I liked this, especially since it related back to one of my recent posts. Enjoy!

http://cinematicsymphony.tumblr.com/post/98998038935/bodysexgender-thisisaurlbytheblackkeys-true

My Relationship is NOT Just Pixie Dust and Leather!

So in Savage Love #295, Dan Savage gave the following quote:

"To 50 shaders, readers and people who are throwing shade on it, BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups with your pants off plus orgasms. People do it for fun; it is not a cry for help. Because there's some criticism sloshing around about the book, that the character who's kinky is portrayed as this psychologically damaged man who needs this woman to heal him and then he won't be kinky any more. [...] Some BDSMers take BDSM very very seriously of course, and strive to make it as real as possible; but it's still make-believe. [...] A marriage, for that matter, is only as real as the two people in it decide to make it. All human relationships are basically make-believe. I'm not saying that love ain't real, that marriage ain't real, but if the two people who are married to each other don't believe, they don't honour their commitment, they don't live up to the promises they've made to each other, they don't work to maintain that bond & those feelings of affection - it goes away. Marriage is a decision, it's a choice that people make, and it's a choice they don't make just once; they make it many many many times, hundreds of times, maybe even thousands of times over the course of a four, five, six decade marriage - to continue to believe in it. You know, a marriage is greater than the sum of its parts, a marriage is a kind of a Tinkerbell and you've got to clap, you've got to believe. Terry and I are married because we believe that we are; because we treat each other like we are, because we know ourselves to be. It's still a concept, it's still an idea of who we are and what we are to each other; and in that way, a marriage - even a successful one, a loving one - in that way a marriage is a kind of make believe."

Normally it makes me incredibly grumpy when he goes off on his "BDSM as make-believe" rants, because his attitude comes across as incredibly condescending; but in this context, I actually find myself agreeing with it. Relationships - any relationships - are exactly as real as they are to the people in them, no more, no less... No matter what type of relationship they are.

People get into relationships for all sorts of reasons. Ash and I get the question all the time; why did we get married? The answer (from me, at least) really comes down to "Besides the fact that she's incredibly good for me and my best friend? Well, we're planning on spending the rest of our lives together anyway, and government and private sectors extend almost no protections to non-spousal partners." It always feels a little mercenary to say you're marrying someone for the tax, insurance, and death benefits, but it's still true, at least in part - there's almost always a social pressure aspect to your relationships beyond the interpersonal one related directly to the two of you... Whether that pressure is familiar, personal, financial, legal, or something else.

When it comes down to it, though, the relationship you're in needs to work for you - for the people in it. A marriage of convenience is a relationship that works for you because of some benefit - financial or social status or a green card or whatever. A marriage for love is still a relationship that works for you because of some benefit - just the benefit is emotional rather than something else.

And of course most relationships are a mix. I like to imagine that most marriages are for love, but they still have social and legal and financial implications - generally, hopefully, good ones. There's nothing wrong with that, and anyone who isn't fooling themselves should realize that's the norm. But that doesn't mean the relationship necessarily means anything to anyone except you - the people involved in it. The benefits you get from it are yours; to everyone else, it's a label. It may be a label that affects your behaviour... But it's nothing more than that.

Unfortunately, it's very easy for people to look at their relationships and say "This fits social norms while yours doesn't, therefore your relationship isn't valid while mine is." They're forgetting that their relationship was a prioritization just as much as yours was; they prioritized their view of social norms, or financial benefits, or religious views, or whatever it might be over being single; just like you did. The perceived and actual benefits may be different, but it was the same decision.

Never let them talk down to your relationships just because they don't understand them. It's no different than their having a different favourite colour or preferring chocolate ice cream instead of strawberry or tea instead of coffee; they judged the situation by their own worldview and made a choice, just like you did. Never listen when they say your relationship isn't "real" just because the benefits are emotional rather than legal, or vice versa.

Being a sub or a slave is a mindset; it's a role that some people value. The fact that the majority of the world doesn't understand it puts them in the wrong, not you, for not seeing the prejudice they apply to you.

Personally, I Prefer Strawberry

In response to Tuesday's video, Ash was chatting about flavours of asexuality. Saying you're "asexual" can be a vague statement. There are plenty of other videos on YouTube - I've watched several, but they aren't hard to find - as well as various posts on Fetlife, on the AVEN forums, on blogs, and all sorts of other places talking about peoples specific forms of asexuality. I feel occasionally like a broken record with the "well, it depends..." line, but there really is a range of asexual flavours. Merriam-Webster (who would have thunk I'd use a dictionary in my blog?) defines asexual - for the relevant choice at least - as simply "devoid of sexuality". It can actually be referring directly to the person, or indirectly to them through their relationship preference; both would fit here.

Please note that, for purposes of this article, I'm lumping asexuals, demisexuals, "grey-A"s, and others on the asexuality spectrum together under the blanket term "asexual"; the discussion applies equally to all. After all, I self-identify as demi-sexual - I enjoy blow jobs and sucking nipples occasionally too much to be asexual - but it's simpler to use the one term than repeatedly trying to call them all out. I only ask you to temporarily forgive my laziness.

All the technical aspects aside... From my point of view asexuals really break down into four categories:

• Those who have low or no sex drive.
• Those who feel little or no attraction, thus having no sexual objects regardless of sex drive.
• Those who have a sex drive, but channel it into some other act than intercourse or target of affection other than humans.
• Those who have a sex drive, but avoid sex due to aversion of one sort or another.

This isn't an exact science; for my own sake, I know I happen to fit into two of these - I have an unusually low sex drive, and a significant amount of the sex drive I have is tightly tied or channeled into my sadistic tendencies. Let's just hit on these each quickly, however.

Unsurprisingly the majority of asexuals seem to be those with little or no sex drive. Detractors and disbelievers frequently point out that diminished sex drive can be a medical problem; it's a side effect of some anti-depressants, for example, and can also be a symptom of hormone imbalances. There's nothing that says, however, that anyone who's perfectly healthy must therefore have a sex drive. Noone blinks at two people with sex drives at different levels, one above average and one below average... There's no particular reason why, when it reaches a certain level, it has to magically become a different animal; their sex drive is simply low enough to cause disinterest.

In a lot of ways this is both the hardest flavour to handle and also the biggest cause of many of asexuality's problems. Other flavours have a reason that's easy to latch onto; this flavour, that reason is simply "...Meh." The idea of romantic attraction without sexual attraction is too alien to most of the population; the lack of any graspable reason behind it just overwhelms peoples' little minds.

The second flavour I called out is actually the most rare from my experience and research - those who don't feel any attraction at all, making sexuality sortof superfluous or a purely logical/practical matter. This is the category where aromantic asexuals commonly fall (not to make too many generalizations - aromantics can be asexual as well). Sex simply loses context if you don't have relationships at all in a form where it's relevant - either recreationally or procreationally.

The third flavour are those where their sex drive exists, but is not aimed in the same direction as everyone else's. In my own case - and this has caused me no end of trouble over the years - my sex drive is actually far more closely linked to my sadism than it is to... Well... Sex. This category can include a lot of asexual fetishists and kinksters, which I suppose is true of me as well; if your arousal is too closely linked to that fetish or kink, either there can be real physical issues with staying aroused during vanilla sex, or the sex itself is simply... Not interesting. This can be upsetting for people to try and deal with, both the asexual in question and their prospective partner, and frequently requires some work and negotiation for both (or all, to be fair) of the people involved to get what they want and need. It's all too easy to end up being seen (or seeing yourself) as broken, rather than just... Different. Having someone to support you through that type of attitude is critical.

The last flavour I tend to consider is those who have specific aversions to sex, regardless of their sex drive or anything else. This can be almost anything from all over the board. Some people find genitals or sex icky and disgusting; some people find it embarassing for any number of reasons. Aversion to sex can be the result of trauma, physical or psychological - the result of injury, surgery, sexual assault, or something else. Severe vulvodynia or other medical conditions can make sex simply impossible because of the level of discomfort or pain caused.

The biggest problem with this category is that most asexuals falling into it have the aversion thrust on them by something outside their control, and it's very easy to see them as victims. Other people may very well see them that way, but the asexual may see themselves that way as well. It's critical to have a clear understanding of how it affects them and reacting accordingly. Most importantly understand that whether or not it's self-inflicted or just bad luck and fate, whether it's something they're in treatment for or something where treatment is impossible or simply doesn't apply, whether they're comfortable with it themselves or whether they see themselves as a victim, take them seriously. If the aversion is strong enough for them to overcome all their social conditioning in favour of sex... It's real, even if you think it's only real to them.

Whatever the flavour and whatever the cause, the most important aspect is that the people in question self-identify that way. It's not necessarily the product of anything being wrong; it's not necessarily a problem; it's not necessarily something that needs to be fixed... Sometimes it's just the way they are.

As an interesting footnote to close out, New York refers to asexuality directly in law: the Sexual Orientation Non-Discrimination Act (SONDA) specifically calls out "heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, or asexuality, whether actual or perceived" as protected sexual orientations. It was the first (not the only; Vermont apparently added it later) US legislation I was able to find referring to asexuality, though Wikipedia calls out Brazil as protecting asexuality through law since 1999. I'm not 100% sure I agree with their classification - based on personal experience I don't think asexuality is the same type of descriptor as hetero-, homo-, bi-, or pansexual; you can be asexual but heteroromantic, or asexual and panromantic, or whatever. Either way, it's nice to know it gets some official recognition and - more importantly - protection.

Now you see it...

One of my coworkers and friends - let's call her Ace - was told last night by her girlfriend - let's call her Gwen - of three years that she wanted to break up because they were "sexually incompatible". Ace was not... Traditionally upset; but it's the first time I'd ever say that she looked shaky. It was strange to me because this was a couple who started dating very close to the time Ash and I did - if I remember right their first sortof-date was two days after ours - and they'd been talking about forever at one point. More than one point.

Granted I know the situation purely from Ace's point of view, but from her side it was almost a total surprise. They agree they're extremely compatible in almost every way. The only place Ace - or, according to her, Gwen - thinks they aren't compatible is in their sex drive; that is, Gwen would love to have sex every day, while Ace has a much lower interest. They'd been having some trouble a few weeks back due to an argument around being open or closed; or, more specifically, Gwen wanted to be open and announced she was going to be - with or without Ace... Leaving Ace defensive and confused and upset. They talked through it and agreed to work on it and ways they could satisfy both of them... But the fact that they aren't compatible sexually is the reason Gwen gave, and because she thought they were working on that, it took Ace totally by surprise.

So... There's a lot of aspects to this situation here, and I don't want to dig into all of them here; some of the details really aren't mine to share... But what it did make me think about was how little Ace trusts Gwen right now. A month ago, that would have been entirely untrue; but their interactions have just sortof led Ace to the point where she doesn't know what to believe. Several weeks ago she felt like she was being given an ultimatum; then she felt like she was being cheated on; then she felt like Gwen was looking for an excuse to get Ace to break up with her. Several weeks later, I'm forced to wonder if that thought back then was the right one - that Gwen was looking to find a way to force Ace to be the bad gal instead of her, and eventually just gave up and pulled the trigger when it turned out Ace was too much in love to actually do so.

Unfortunately, we'll probably never be 100% sure how much of this is truth and how much of it is lies and how much is just something we don't know about. It's worse for Ace, obviously, being the one in the situation; but I'm close enough to her to worry and sympathize and agonize of it as well.

By the time I separated from my ex-wife, any semblance of trust we had once had was totally shattered. She had managed to convince herself of several key things about me that weren't true (mostly, that I was cheating on her); and in return she lied to be me about being gay, cheated on me for more than half our marriage, and left me with years of doubt replacing what had previously just been trust and love. It's fascinating to me, looking back over it, how trust - or the lack thereof - changes your perceptions of past acts, both by you and towards (against?) you.

Unsurprisingly, I have a lot of regrets relating to my marriage; mostly around the possibility of having been naive. I don't know yet whether Ace will regret her relationship with Gwen, or at least aspects of it. Probably the better question is "how much", not "if", because it's human nature to regret things that could have been better - even if we don't know so until after the fact.

In some ways this has very much shaped my attitude towards new kinky (well, more to the point, new Dom/sub) relationships. It's much easier to ignore the risk and ignore the possibility of things going wrong and turning against you; but it's much safer not to trust. Unfortunately, any type of relationship - kinky relationships far more than most - desperately need trust to be functional and healthy.

The most basic building block of that trust is always going to be communication; I've hit on it before, and I'll continue to harp on it probably for the entire life of this blog. A more basic thing, though - and the moral of today's post - is to remember that you aren't the only person in your relationships. Whatever the power dynamic, however many corners there are in your love polygon, no matter what you do in the privacy of your home... Everyone else in the relationship is just as much a human as you are. Everyone else is just as much prone to being scared, or being angry, or feeling cheated, or feeling sad... Or not wanting to be the bad guy. Always remember that - think about what you're about to do from the other side. Once someone loses their trust in you, it's too late to get it back.