The forest for the trees

It's not the trees that make us afraid of the forest - it's the things the trees hide.

I listen to a lot of podcasts, which I know I've referenced before; and in particular, I've recently started listening to Lore, which is a podcast about folklore - about vampires and werewolves, about H. H. Holmes, about a haunted railroad tunnel in western Massachusetts. The host made the above quote in episode 7, and it struck me as a very meaningful comment.

The house I grew up in was a split-level and my bedroom was all the way at the end on the upper level. By the time I was in junior high and high school I'd end up being awake for a couple of hours after my parents, and going to bed involved travelling from the basement up through the kitchen and then the full length of the house back in the other direction, turning off lights behind me as I went; and when I was 10 or 12 I was afraid of the dark. I'd end up sprinting from the kitchen to my room with the yawning black mouth of the downstairs hallway behind me. Even then I knew how absurd it was; I had walked that hallway a dozen times that day and thousands of times in the past and knew it was both empty and perfectly safe... But I was still afraid. And as Lore said, I wasn't afraid of the dark - of the trees - but of the monster that would leap out of it and grab me. Of the thing the dark was hiding.

I like to think that this is true in BDSM as well. Honestly? Most of the things people are scared of about kink aren’t really scary - it’s what they’re masking that you’re afraid of. Maybe to some people it’s making too fine a point of it, but I’m not afraid of admitting I’m a dominant, or a sadist, or a demi-sexual, or that I’m poly; they’re just the trees in the forest. I’m afraid of what they might bring when I’ve admitted them. The reality of it is that everything you fear is what the people you’re admitting it to bring back to the situation.

It’s such an irrational fear in most ways, but no less real. There’s real danger in certain situations - hostile people who have power over you in some way, be it professional or personal. You are still best off, in these cases, looking for the true fears - for the things behind the trees. Only then can you really address them properly.

Another book for the list...

Today's post is going to be a relatively short one. This is digging back a couple of years, but here's an interview on Salon with Hanne Blank, the author of "Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality."

http://www.salon.com/2012/01/22/the_invention_of_the_heterosexual/

I'll encourage you all to read the interview, and - if it's your type of thing - check out the book. It's on my list now... As are a couple of her other books.

A Few Things Worth Knowing

The lovely Ash sent me this link:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm

Buzzfeed is often amusing, but recently I've been surprised at how intelligent it can be... And in this case, it's one of the most concise-and-yet-helpful resource I've found. It doesn't have the depth of information that

My only real problem with it - unsurprisingly, to those who know me - is #8. It's not even that it's wrong, so much as it's incomplete. Many - most, really - kinksters deal in scenes... But not everyone, and not all the time. I understand that that message scares people, because it's the frightening edge of our culture and society... But it's still valuable to the people who live out there to know they're not excluded even by other kinksters.

Anyway. There's certainly places where this list could be expanded... And the sheer number of books that cover individual points on this list should prove that beyond anyone's doubt. Still, this list is worth your time.

Bonus Links!

A good rant on the subject of 50 Shades of Gray:

http://babysubmissive.tumblr.com/post/110584059273/over-the-last-several-days-ive-seen-quite-a-few

Dear Polly...

One of the various things I read online these days is Ask Polly, an advice column. Advice columns frequently amuse me, and I go through phases of reading them and not - mostly depending on the balance of how many of them recently have amused me vs. have disturbed or upset me. Just yesterday, though, was this one:

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-hating-myself.html

It's one I identify with. There are any number of differences, of course, but the core of his problem - self-acceptance - is my biggest battle and frequently the biggest problem of kinky people. It's not really too hard to understand why, either; after all, accepting one's being divorced or accepting one's being a vegetarian is easy - your friends, your family, your coworkers will all support you. Being kinky is sortof like being gay in this respect; some people people will love and support you anyway, some people will turn against you because of it, and some people - maybe most people - are happier never knowing. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, and yet it's hard to convince yourself of that when the world around you tries hard to convince you otherwise.

It could be worse; most of us can pass as norms. Many of us come across as eccentric or weird, but we can get by in everyday life. That's not true of all of us - some of us are stuck between being miserable and denying ourselves, or being excluded and even arrested. Some of us need help to avoid being a statistic - and a depressing statistic at that.

There are resources out there, and one of the most useful is the Kink-Aware Professional's Directory. It's not perfect and it's not complete, but it's a good starting point - and sometimes, the people on that list are the difference between freedom and jail time... Or life and death.

Even if you aren't kinky, remember how much the kinky people in your life need your support, your love, and - above all else - your acceptance.

Coming Out as a Modern Family

Here are a couple of lovely links from last year:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/maria-bello-gay-article-1.1534522

I'll admit, I found these articles immensely uplifting. The way Jackson reacted to his mother's admission about Clare was as reassuring as it could have been. The article is such a good reflection of what I've tried to say, though, from end to end. This quote so carefully summarizes the fear we all have:

“But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”

Maria Bello has anything but a traditional relationship; she has a close-knit relationship with multiple platonic and romantic/sexual partners... She's comfortable with it, though, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of her being able to be totally open and out about her lifestyle. And of course, it's a little different - at least, openly, it's different, not being kinky - but still... The bravery it must have taken is amazing.

The biggest lesson to take away from this, though, is the fact that Jackson came to her and asked if there was something she wasn't sharing. Children are observant, and very open about things; adults may not seem as observant, and are much more reserved about calling things out... But the people actually closest to you probably know more than you're telling them.

Bonus Links!

A more accurate description of the 50 Shades movie...

http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/109944117836/fucknorapeapologists-the6thsiren-50-shades-of

Bonus Links!

Amazing art! I love these.

http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/110416100101/americas-suite-tarts-zreyta-marginalized

To get back to it...

As I mentioned previously, I just finished When Someone You Love is Kinky. It was an interesting read, and I have mixed feelings about it. What it really comes down to at its heart is that it's meant to be handed to someone you're close to when they find out you're kinky, and give them enough of a background in a "safe" way to be able to handle you and the situation well.

On some level, the premise of this book really depresses me. I'm not saying it's wrong, or unnecessary; I'm saying it's really sad that something like this is necessary. This book is excellent for the task; it covers essentially all the bases and presents it in a gentle way to try and ease the easily scared into it. I can't even fairly criticize that it's aimed too much at bedroom play over lifestyle; there's no good way they could have lingered on that without ruining the whole approach. It's also balanced by the letters.

I mentioned last post, every chapter has a letter; the authors asked their friends, family and acquaintances to write a "letter you'll never send" - to their family, their coworkers, or whoever. In a lot of ways, they were far more "real" than the sections written by the actual authors. The author sections are very informative, but the letters really let you connect with some of these people... And they were far less gentle with the readers. All in all it's a well-balanced approach.

Speaking of the approach... This book's biggest fault is easily the extreme lengths it goes to to ease people into it. It is so paranoid about possibly scaring anyone off that the people who aren't scared will have trouble getting to the parts that are actually important.

So to summarize...

The Good:

• Pretty comprehensive; a lot of information
• Very personal and easy to read 
• Applicable to a wide audience

The Bad:

• Slow to start
• Slanted away from lifestyle kinksters
• Possibly too little too late?
• Sortof aimed at a niche and unfortunate premise

The Conclusion:
Definitely something I'd recommend... But it's not perfect.

When Someone You Love is Kinky

Yesterday I finished reading this book - "When Someone You Love is Kinky", by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. I'll do a full proper review of it next week, but the thing I'll call out from it today is that every chapter has a letter in it - a letter written by someone the authors know, published semi-anonymously, but written as "The letter I will never send". Some are to spouses, some are to parents, some are to friends or coworkers or bosses... Most of them, though are very powerful. It's a fascinating way to make you think.

Were I to write one? I'd write it to my parents. I'd say "My family", but I'm pretty sure my sister already knows, and everyone else (everyone living, at least) is in a different country.  All the things I wish they knew - but hedged by the fact that I'm terrified of their knowing. Fear of being rejected for who I really am, rather than loved for the partial impression they have now.

I won't copy one into this post, no matter how much I want to. I'll just say, I feel like this book is worth it just for these... Though these are the part of the book most easily replaced by something else - like Fetlife.

Anyway. Real review next week... And for now, have a good weekend.

Nostalgia

I've had a fairly large number of slaves and submissives over the years, going back more than 15 years now. I've had them in all sorts of contexts; in person only, online only, and a mix of both. People I've known for decades and people I'd known barely a few hours before playing with them. Full-on, permanent owned slaves to the gentlest of unnegotiated bedroom bondage.

Kelly is  full-time slave who I actually originally met online - in World of Warcraft. I remember I first really got to know about her by sitting on voice chat with her while we were questing in Nagrand, which is possibly the geekiest way to get to know someone I've ever myself been party to. We grew close and learned a lot about each other. She was categorized as 100% disabled - legally blind due to a disease that had attacked her optic nerves and caused issues with her eyes, she had given up her job and spent most of her time taking care of her roommates. She was about five years older than me, and had been involved in BDSM before - as a Domme and Mistress - in more than one relationship. I'll be honest and say I don't know what made her ask to be mine; even in hindsight it surprises me... But for the 18 months or so she was mine, it was very good for me - for us.

I'm not going to go a lot into what we did; I just don't feel like delving publically into those private memories right now. We talked every day, frequently for hours. I offered her structure, she offered me obedience, and we both gave each other an escape.

The strongest memory I have of her is from her last visit to New York - of Kelly kneeling on my bed with her back against the wall, reading a book and waiting for me to finish what I was working on, smiling at the story while I smiled at her from my desk. It was... Peaceful, at a time in my life filled with much bitterness and sadness.

The thing that surprises people most about her and I... We never had a sexual relationship. That wasn't what either of us were looking for. This was before I self-identified as demisexual, so it was probably just as weird to me at the time; I understand at least that much of it much better in hindsight.

I eventually released her because we were drifting apart - our lives were pulling us in different directions; and when last I had news of her, a mutual acquaintance told me she'd been admitted to hospital with a brain tumour and a very short prognosis. I tried to get in touch with her, but I never received a response; I don't know why. At this point I can only assume it's too late to reconnect.

I don't know what brought her to mind the other day, but I've been thinking about her, and I miss her.

Bonus Links!

http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/109075065001/explaining-sexuality-the-easy-way

Marriage Redux

Last night when we were headed to bed, Ash was talking about her friend - I think we'll use the name Abigail - and the fact that her marriage was in the process of ending... Or so it appears. Abby is wandering off into territory that she never really expected to be in. Not many people do expect to be there - I know I didn't, but back in 2005, 2006, 2007 I did. People make promises in marriage, "to have and to hold", "in sickness and in health"... But the vows never seem to account for "in lies and in truth", or "in miscommunication and in perfect understanding", or "in personality changes and epiphanies".

That's the real issue here, of course. As much as I hate my ex-wife - she's done enough to me that I feel she deserves it - I don't actually believe she married me maliciously. Rather, I believe she married me stupidly. I think if she had come out as gay, even just in her own head, she never would have married me; and if I'd known her at the time as well as I thought I did, I never would have married her. 

I don't know Abby or Thaddeus (her husband), but I tend to assume the same - if they actually knew the situation they'd find themselves in now, they wouldn't have been married... And so I tend to give people in these situations the benefit of the doubt. There are people who - for all intents and purposes - marry maliciously... But they're very few and far between.

We don't know what's going on in Thad's head. At this point we (well, mostly Abby, but the people who care about her as well) are still trying to figure out if he's gay, if he's bi but thinks he's gay, if he's straight or bi but lying to Abby for whatever reason... We don't know what their future relationship is going to be. We don't know whether they're going to divorce, whether they're going to stay together in a companionate marriage, or whether they're going to clarify the situation and actually remain a couple.

The conversation, though, also touched on Abby's looking around at people to date, and the comment Ash related to me was when she said she felt weird talking to her gay husband about her dating life... To which Ash responded "Well, you're also talking to your pansexual friend in an open marriage to a dominant sadistic demi-sexual. Welcome to the club."

The problem isn't the idea of their having a companionate marriage, or an open marriage, or a child while not being married. None of those are actually an issue at all, except in the view of some of the more bigoted portions of society. The issue is that the marriage was based on a situation which didn't last - their mutual understanding that he was straight... And it's so frustrating, because it's avoidable! People are so terrified of being honest and open with their feelings and desires and lifestyles that they don't know what to do.

It'll get sorted out eventually; but it's painful for everyone involved until it does.

A repeat, but an important one...

I feel almost bad bringing in this link today because I know I've talked about it before... But it's come up recently in our lives, and it's one of my hot-button issues... So I'm going to let myself go off on this one again.

http://therumpus.net/2011/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-81-a-bit-of-sully-in-your-sweet/

Ms. "Happily Ever After" comes into this question so arrogantly, and frankly, it frustrates me. The entire basis of her question is that she thought her sister and brother-in-law were the paragon of examples right up until she found out their life hadn't been perfect... And it's so absurdly backwards!

Why is it that society's ideal is so focused on a life where nothing goes wrong? On a life that's so unrealistic? I would have thought most people would prefer an ideal they can relate to, one they can aspire to. But they don't - people aspire to the ideals they'll never reach.

This woman's sister and brother-in-law do sound like an amazing example of a loving couple and an excellent ideal to live up to - and I think the fact that they have survived hardship proves it, rather than bringing it into question.

Ms. Happily Ever After says:

I know couples have to work on their relationships, but my position on infidelity is that it’s a deal killer. My fiancé and I have agreed if one of us ever cheated on the other it would be automatically over between us, no conversation required. When I told my sister about this she actually laughed and said we were being “too black and white,” but, Sugar, I don’t want to think that in twenty-five years I’ll be saying that there were times I didn’t think my husband and I would make it. I want healthy love.

It's funny, because I read that and think "to me it's obvious that you don't understand that people have to work on their relationships, because you ruled out the most common way people have to do so". It's somewhat hard to find statistics on exactly how common it is, but it's somewhere between 30% and 60% of all married individuals will cheat during their relationship.

It's hard to find statistics on it, because everyone has their angle; and unfortunately, because of the nature of the question, that angle is usually "infidelity is evil"... And this is where I have to struggle not to go off onto my pet peeve rant... But that's not even relevant to this discussion, because I'm prejudiced in favour of open and polyamorous relationships anyway. My point is... A tested relationship is provably stronger than an untested one. How can you be happy knowing that you've never had a conflict and therefore not knowing what'll happen when you have one?

One thing you hear a lot after a while is "Oh, we had a perfect relationship! We never fought or disagreed." "Why'd you break up?" "Oh, we had a fight." They don't seem to get it - the measure of a relationship isn't what happens when things are going well, it's what happens when things don't go well.

Ash and I don't fight much. We don't see eye to eye on everything, but we honestly just don't disagree enough on much to actually have many fights. That doesn't mean we haven't fought - we have, usually when one of us feels neglected or misunderstood. But mostly, we talk. We have an interest and a strong desire to keep our relationship intact... And we know that means we have to work to make sure the other person is happy. I have no illusions I meet all her needs; she has no illusions she meets all of mine... And that's fine. We know that, we accept that, we love each other, and our relationship is shaped around it. I have disappointed her and made mistakes; she's done the same to me... And our relationship is stronger because of it. Both because we learned more about each other, and because it's driven home the point that we need to work to keep each other in our lives.

As I think all my readers know, this marriage is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted five years - from 2002 to 2007 - and in hindsight was the product of an immense amount of ignorance on both of our parts. I was naive, thinking I could suppress a lot of my needs and our differences; while she was lying - either to me or to herself - for the entire duration. My ex-wife (let's call her Celia) is gay, and had an extended relationship with her now-wife (let's go with Pat) while we were married. I'm not trying to be difficult by not giving you a number; it's just that, well, I don't know exactly how long it was. I know that the first time Celia told Pat she loved her was about two and a half years into our marriage - and things went downhill from there... Though it took me far too long to admit it. It's unclear when she changed from lying to herself to lying to me... But the entire marriage was based on her running from what she wanted - and my misunderstanding what it was I needed to ask for. The fact that she and I didn't fight for most of our marriage wasn't a sign our relationship was strong; it was a sign our relationship had failed from the beginning, and neither of us was brave or smart enough to admit it.

Most people see the surface, and not the truth; most people see the ideals and not the reality. Relationships aren't as simple as that.

Growing Up

One of the more common topics of conversation between Ash and me (along with Pokemon, work, family, and a handful of others) is my son - and specifically, how he's growing up. It's funny; she met him about three years ago, and has watched a number of milestones for him. Growing out of his "crying over everything" phase; the first time he was tall enough to walk into a doorknob; getting big enough to get his own drinks; giving himself showers instead of being given baths... He's growing up and getting bigger and turning into a real person right before our very eyes.

And anyone who knows me and interacts with him can see how much he takes after me. He looks almost freakishly like I did back at that age, though the similarity is starting to decrease; but he has similar interests as me and his mind works very much the same way as mine. The way he plays games and the games he tends to gravitate towards match me; I've helped him with his homework for the last several years and he has the same strengths and weaknesses as I do academically, as well.

The natural fear for me, then, is that he's going to have some of the same problems I did with kink and his sexual identity. There's part of me that really wants to help him with it; after all, I've been through a lot and experienced second- and third-hand quite a bit more... And if he is going to end up with the same issues I did, I want to do my best to ease that transition. But I'm also victim to the same "Ewww, gross" reaction that's endemic to large parts of the population - very few people want to think about their parents having sex.

I know far more about my parents' sex life than I really want to, from the various times I've accidentally walked in on them having sex to the naked pictures they forgot to delete off of a digital camera I borrowed once to the books and movies and porn I've found at various points in my life. Even then they raised me quite conservatively; we never had "the talk". We never discussed this, and I know that informs my own discomfort in talking about it even now - a reaction I'm struggling quite actively against through avenues such as this blog. It's far too easy to assume that he will be the same way... But I really don't want him to be. So how does one handle that? What's my responsibility and ability to help him avoid the same issues? And where is it right for me to?

And this isn't to say, of course, that it's all about sex; because my fears actually lie far more heavily on relationships. For better or worse my son is not going to have a single traditional relationship in his family to lean on.

Note, I don't say "typical", because "the norm" has shifted so much recently. Divorced parents were, last time I heard, actually more common than not; and children (both biological and adopted) of homosexual couples are not particularly uncommon. Even if everyone was 100% certain of their sexuality from day one and was 100% honest about it with all of their partners - things both my and Ash's lives have proved to be utterly false - gays and lesbians aren't immune to the same familial urges as other folks. Families happen, however they grow and evolve... But my son has a lesbian mother and stepmother on the one side, and a demi-sexual poly father and bisexual stepmother on the other. On some level the poor boy doesn't stand a chance.

Far more than just the trouble in struggling through my own issues to talk to him, though, is when is it appropriate to do so? One concept I've shamelessly stolen from multiple sources (Fetlife, Dan Savage, Dear Abby, other blogs and advice columns) is the idea of the "right not to know". When do we start talking about these things, and when we do, how much do we talk about? There's a difference between knowing "Oh, yeah, your parents are kinky" and "Oh, yeah, I was triple-penetrating and whipping your mother last night".

I don't think anyone would hesitate to agree eight is far too young to hear that kind of detail about my sex life - I'd argue that thirty is too young to hear that kind of detail about my parents' sex life, if it weren't too late. More to the point, though... If we do find a girlfriend who becomes a part of our family, at what point do we say to the boy "Yes, she may not actually be married to us, but she's part of our family too"?

I don't know what the answer is; or more realistically, there probably isn't really a single answer to go with. I know I'm struggling with it, though, and I know many other folks are - whether they realize it or not. I guess if I figure it out I'll let you know.

I will say, though... My son may not have a chance of being "normal", but he'll certainly have a good example of how to be tolerant of the little differences that make all our families exciting.

Going the Wrong Direction

I don't remember exactly where I found this, but I saw this article late last week:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30735673

This article upset me a great deal in several ways. The most obvious one is the way they just lump any non-mainstream social behaviour into "mental disorders" and then pile up laws against it. It's just so... Alien to me. I understand that one of my myriad problems are that sometimes I just have  a hard time relating to points of view that are too far alien to mine; and this is just one of those cases.  It amazes me that in this day and age so many countries are willing to impose their own morality in the form of laws outlawing any lifestyle too far different from your own.

Of course, my own country - by adoption if not by birth - is not much better some days. South Dakota's ban on gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional just a few short hours ago, making it the 36th state to allow gay marriage. The 36th. With every single federal court case going in favour of gay marriage, you'd think that the states would see the writing on the wall and accept the inevitable, but instead all too many of them are fighting tooth and nail. It's taken decades to get this far, and the rearguard action from the conservatives on this particular losing battle is as pathetic as it is arrogant. Soon they'll turn back to their other remaining legal forms bigotry and things will settle down for another period of slow progress before another major hump gets crossed.

The line that upset me the most, though, actually wasn't the new law, or the way kink was lumped in with "other mental disorders". The piece that upset me the most was that the Russian Psychiatric Association didn't voice concern because it was asinine and based on something that wasn't reality; he voiced concern because, with the new law, people would avoid seeking psychiatric help.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me, with a number of things going on at work, at home, and in my personal life... But this really pushed my buttons. It isn't normally easy for me to get angry, but this really did push me over the edge.

Whatever. I'll see y'all in a few days - hopefully far more calm. And in the meantime, I'll proudly remember that me and my wife and almost every last one of my friends now cannot get a driver's license in Russia.

I'm baaaaack!

Our move is, more or less, over. By the time you read this we'll have been in the new apartment for a week, have given up the keys to the old place, have moved everything over, have spent half a day cleaning, have argued with the local office manager, have fought tooth and nail against pets who feel it's their god-given duty to be pains in the ass, made dozens of trips up and down our new and exciting stairs... Generally the normal stress and effort of a move. But it's done - except for the last bit of unpacking and the new couch delivery in a week or so - and so it's slowly feeling more like home. Time to get back into the swing of things here!

So I found this picture on Tumblr, and it made me happy:

http://forgivemeprettybaby.tumblr.com/post/107342682135/darwincastillo-bdsm-positive-mental-health

But to quote it, it says:

The Journal of Sexual Medicine revealed that those who engage in bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) may be more psychologically healthy than those who don't. The study authors think being open about your sexual kinks leads to a self-acceptance that can translate into positive mental health. So break out the restraints, if it's your thing!

First, let me just cheer this on! It's amazing. I did a very small amount of digging, and while this article actually looked fascinating:

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false

I suspect that this is the one it was referring to:

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12192/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false

getting full access through that site isn't cheap (without a subscription, it's $6 for a 48-hour pass, $15 for unlimited read-only access and $35 to actually buy a copy of the PDF), but I'm still incredibly tempted. For that matter I'm curious if I know anyone who has access to those journals who may be able to get me copies...

My new quest is to find copies of those without spending an enormous amount of money, apparently.

More seriously though... It's one of those things where I've known in the back of my head that there's a lot of research into the area of kink for a long while now, but have never gone looking for it. It's really worth my time and - within limits, of course - resources to do so.

Today is the day...

...that the lovely Ash and I are moving. Please forgive the mess, and we'll be back to our regularly scheduled shenanigans next week.

Happy New Year!

I hope 2015 is amazing for all of my lovely readers.

Out Of Control

I normally try to keep my comments "on track"; it is, after all, a kink blog. In spite of that today's entry isn't incredibly kink-related. It's really more along the lines of a "life lesson" than a "kink lesson" (or opinion, or advice, or whatever you consider my entries).

Recently I've talked with a couple of new girls, and I've talked about them a little before. I talked about Maria before, but - due mostly to circumstances beyond both our control - we have almost entirely fallen out of touch. It's manifested in an unpleasant way - not a hostile one, at least as far as I've seen, but an unpleasant one. Still, I will just leave her alone until such time she wants - if she wants - to talk to me again. I'm not happy about it, but... If it's what she believes she needs right now, I choose not to argue the point.

There's another girl - Sarah, let's call her - I haven't talked about yet. I met her on OkCupid and we started talking; we hit it off very well. We have a lot in common and a number of mutual interests, including a number of geeky games and books and such... And including bondage, dom/sub play, sadomasochism, and a common understanding of poly relationships. After speaking for a couple of weeks we agreed to meet, and it would have been last Tuesday; unfortunately, it was cancelled. However, she had something else come up out of her past - something that made her decide she needed to pull away from me - from us, or whatever potential we might have had as a couple. I've gotten comments from a couple of friends that she's lying just to step away from me... But it doesn't matter either way. If she's interested in picking things up again at some point, she'll contact me; and if she isn't, it doesn't matter much whether she was telling the truth or not.

Something else happened this weekend which follows the same pattern - of a sort. I was woken up at 2:30 this morning (Sunday morning) by a phone call from my father; he's in Hawaii, and had been waiting until early morning UK time to call my uncle. Because he was very upset he managed to confuse my number and my uncle's in his phone (our last names are the same, and first names are the same length with the first two letters, so it's not completely outside the realm). Since we were on the phone anyway, he told me that my Great Aunt had died. She was old - almost 90 - and was recovering from having broken her hip. She'd even been released from the hospital, when she died - very suddenly from a pulmonary embolism. I've always had a small family, and I was close to her. She was the last person alive in the generation before my parents on either side of my family; she was one of the tiny number left in my line on that side, which has shrunk greatly in the last three generations. We were in the process of arranging plans for her to visit this coming summer, which would have been her first time in this country in more than twenty years... And the first time she'd ever met my son. And me? I've broken down twice - once this morning when I realized I'll probably never find out whether or not she ever got my Christmas letter; and once this afternoon when I stopped by work to pick something up and found the voicemail from my father, who hadn't yet realized he had the wrong number and was trying to leave a message for my uncle.

My point? My point is... Things aren't always in your control. Life happens, whether you want it or not. It can be a rude shock - it can be terrifying - it can be depressing - it can be even occasionally be good. But it's never what you expect.