Collaring

Daphne, of everyone I know and talk about the subject with - and also of all the people I know read this - is the newest to the whole kink scene, so I asked her what she would be interesting in hearing more about... And the answer she came up with is "Collars". This falls back into the area of "Things Daphne has heard only one opinion on", and she was even kind enough to send me the link to a recorded commentary. The recording there is two of Daphne's friends (someone I don't know), speaking of their own experience; but my conversations with Daphne made it clear that I don't necessarily agree entirely with them... And so she asked me to clarify. With Belle's (the friend's) permission, the original link to it in her Tumblr is here, with Daphne's transcription:

http://hislittleharlotstarlet.tumblr.com/post/86125046555/second-question-what-is-your-view-on-collars-i-know

Inquiry:
[What] is your view on collars? I know they mean different things to different people but I feel like they hold, or should hold more significance in true D/s or DD/lg relationships.

Belle:
First of all, again, I’m going to emphasize- and I know you probably didn’t mean it that way but- for anyone who is reading this or listening to this, I very much feel there is no such thing as true D/s or DD/lg, it’s whatever you make it.

Merida:
Exactly.

Belle:
I know you didn’t mean it that way, probably. But just for clarification for anyone else who’s going “Oh! Belle and Merida advocate the true way”. No we don’t, there is no true way.

Merida:
I don’t even know what that means.

Belle:
[Laughing] … actually. What is my view on collars? I… I very much view collars almost on the same level as a marriage contract. They’re very serious to me, and I know they aren’t to everybody, but to me they are very serious which is probably why it’s taken so long for me to be okay to be collared. To me, having a collar around my neck, symbolizes that even though things might get incredibly difficult, I am going to stick to this dynamic. It’s like marriage, like the difference between dating and marriage. When you’re dating somebody I feel like- and again this is just my personal opinion- I feel like there’s more room for error when you’re dating someone. I feel like certain things, mistakes that might happen or you know big arguments or things that are said in the heat of anger can happen during dating and be forgiven, whereas like if that same instance happened with that intensity when you’re married it’s more like a “Oh my God, you are not taking this as seriously as I thought you would.” For me, being collared is like that next step. Like marriage is the next step to dating, in solidifying like, “okay, I’ve fooled around enough, this is what I really want, this is, this is it.” So it’s very serious to me and I take it very seriously. So that is, that is how I view collars I guess.

Merida:
I agree with you, I mean…

Belle:
Maybe you should star answering first, I feel bad. I like take all of your words and then you’re like…

Merida:
No but I mean you put it in a good way. Like, collars are a very serious thing, they, in my opinion, they- it’s not something you take lightly. It’s like, it’s a commitment. Like any other commitment you make in your life, take it seriously. Just, like you know, what Belle said. What Belle said. She put it good. Well. Whatever.

So... What are my thoughts on collaring? And the problem is, here I want to hedge, because I'm of more than one mind, and I know how strongly some other people feel about it. Collaring is one of those things that people can get very worked up over - a lot of people have strong opinions, but those opinions vary so much that it can be a bit of a minefield at times. I guess what it really comes down to, however, is one of two major camps: those who consider it as an enormous commitment and those who don't consider it important at all. Belle and Merida, obviously, fall into the first category; but I'll start with the second.

One school of thought simply considers them a decoration or a tool, along with every other bondage implement in the toolbox (or, alternately, in the dungeon). And in this regard, they are excellent. If you've never taken the time to look at some of the variety of collars out there, consider some of these links:

• https://www.etsy.com/market/bdsm_collar
• https://www.etsy.com/search/handmade?q=slave+collar
• http://collarfactory.com/
• http://thecollarshop.com/
• http://www.leathermystics.com/collars/v_collars.html

And there are dozens, if not hundreds, more out there. They are cloth, synthetic, wooden, leather, metal, plain, jeweled, subtle, garish, utilitarian, decorative... They can be a fashion statement and they can be anchors for leashes and chains. They are used regularly as ways to immobilize or decorate, and they don't have to be anything more complex than that. I've seen people with a dozen or two collars in a bag, picking out the one that went best with their date's shirt or had d-rings in the exact right position for whatever it was they were about to do... And it doesn't have to be complicated.

Going back to Belle and Merida and the first group, they consider it equivalent to a marriage contract, and that's not a bad comparison. There's an impressive amount of material out there, including:

• What it means to be collared: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/05/what-it-means-to-be-collared/
• Collars and their Meaning: http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id4.html
• Collaring and Collaring Ceremonies: http://houseofvoid.com/2009/03/18/bdsm-101-collaring-and-collaring-ceremonies/
• What does a collar mean: http://kinkylittlegirl.wordpress.com/2009/12/21/what-does-a-collar-mean/ 

Those are all fairly good resources (for one opinion or another), and all from the first page of one Google search... And there are hundreds more out there, if not thousands.

The point is, though, that this view of collars gives them essentially the same status as an engagement ring, or wedding band, or a promise ring, or any other alternative. They're indicative of a new step, a new level of commitment, a new level of dedication... A sign that this is a permanent relationship and not just dating or fooling around. This level of commitment can come with a ceremony - which can be simple and heartfelt, exchanging or donning the collar... Or long and formal to rival any traditional wedding ceremony.

When you're in a BDSM relationship of any kind, when the idea of a collar come up... Make sure you understand its significance. Whatever significance you choose to put on it, make sure you and your partner agree - if one of you takes it more seriously than the other, it's a disaster (or at least an argument) waiting to happen.

Bonus Post: Wednesday Links!

I happened to be introduced to another kinkster and new blogger yesterday who goes by Persephone Bell. Check it out over here:

http://mileagedoesvary.blogspot.com/

And So It Goes

So I released my slave at the end of last week.

I haven't talked about it a huge amount, but I've had a slave for the last two months or so - Sunshine, lets call her. We met on Fetlife when I responded to her introductory post, and she was looking for something online-only. We talked for a while - messages on FL, then e-mailed back and forth - until we agreed to try things out - we agreed to a 30-day trial period to feel each other out and see how well we worked. It went quite well, as a rule; and in spite of some misgivings I had, we ended up negotiating out a contract and making it "real" rather than just a trial. We went into it with the explicit statement on my part that I knew this was not going to be able to meet all my desires, and I had every intention of ending it at some point if the opportunity arose for something good with someone with whom I would not have so many restrictions imposed... But we believed it would be worth it in the meantime. Things were pretty good. We enjoyed each other's company, and things actually went pretty well for the most part, but we just never quite meshed.

When I walk my dog - a one-eyed Shih Tzu who I swear is made out of pure muscle and ridiculousness - he has a habit of walking around the lamp posts in my apartment complex and not realizing. When he does it, my instinct is to just pull his leash to try and get him to walk back around it... But he just sets his feet, tenses his body, and stares me down. He knows I want him to walk where I was walking, and he's walking in that direction, dammit, so why was I trying to pull him somewhere else?

All too often, trying to take care of her felt like that. She knew what I was trying to accomplish, or at least thought she did, and she was already going in that direction, so why was I telling her to do something else? She wasn't prepared to take what I said at face value; and she wasn't prepared to ask why without being bratty and upset. I'm sure my own sense of pride didn't help; by no stretch of the imagination do I believe we didn't match solely because of a flaw on her part. We didn't work out because my methods and her needs just didn't quite jive.

It culminated in something stupid; it usually does. She asked if she was still grounded (a longer story I'm not going to bother getting into), to which I gave her the simple answer "yes", and she flipped out on me. She insisted she shouldn't be any more, complained about my always changing things without telling her, and demanded to know why rather than just calmly asking "That isn't what I was expecting - did something change?" If this had been the first time this had happened I probably would have just let it slide. If this had been the second time, I would have corrected it and moved on once the consequences were done. Being what it was, she sent me a formal email requesting me to release her, which I accepted. She then begged me not to accept it... So I explained to her why I felt this was not going to improve, and... We're done.

I will miss her being my slave, and I'll miss having someone who I believe very much wanted to serve me. I won't miss the stress and the worry involved in trying to sort out what she said she wanted from what she came across as wanting - trying to worry about what she was asking for against what I felt was okay for her.

So yes; I'm sad as I write this, and I apologize for using my blog to flush out my feelings on something that's bothering me, but things will be okay; and I suspect - if she can find someone who's a better fit than I was - she will make some Dom extremely happy one day.

A Question of Shame

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Mountains out of Many, Many Kinky Molehills

I was talking with Daphne earlier today about her reaction to being subject to mild submission earlier in the week. She was fooling around and being told what to do while doing it... And as far as I can tell, she enjoyed it way more than she was prepared for. I think she'll get over that surprise pretty quickly; she's okay with the idea of enjoying it in general, I suspect. The conversation ebbed, and a little while later she just sortof blurted out "I still don't think I'm a sub though.." I responded "Oh?" in my own typical immensely helpful and encouraging fashion; and her clarification was "I'm not a masochist."

This was, probably unsurprisingly to those of you who know me, the point at which I facepalmed.

We discussed it afterwards, and I did my best to clarify the situation for her... At least as far as my not-so-humble opinion goes. In Daphne's defense - and very much relevant to Ash's point she made when I talked with her about it later on - to Daphne's experience, it really is true; submission and masochism had essentially been introduced to her as a single thing. She knows a number of people involved in the lifestyle to various extents, and as far as I can tell every one of them - myself included is into either both or neither. She actually has a lot more interest in submission than she had realized, but her own dislike of and aversion to masochism has ruled it out in her own head. Especially when one's new to this type of thing that can be misleading - it's far too easy to equate the limited sample of people you're exposed to at first as rules, and not as simply examples.  She needs to make the jump to learn that correlation isn't causation.

The biggest thing to remember here is that "kink" at large and even "BDSM" as a smaller pool are hugely varied and wide areas to discuss, with dozens if not hundreds of sub-genres. There's the standard bondage, including some fun and interesting ones like Shibari and mummification; power exchange/Dom-sub relationships or play; sadomasochism; restriction play such as orgasm control; role-playing, age-play, furries, rape fantasies, and all their various related fields; fetishes, including panty-hose fetishists and foot fetishists and whatever else you may conceive of; bathroom play/golden showers/scat play; humiliation; public play and exhibitionism; pet play of all types, including pony play or people who just really like butt plugs with tails attached... And that's just scratching the surface. Gang-bangs? Latex & Leather? Service play? Depending on who you talk to, things as straight-forwards and normal (cough) as threesomes and polyamoury and asexuality fall under "kink" rather than "alternate lifestyles". The possibilities are endless. The thing is, though, no matter how easy it is for people not involved - and even people who do fall under the umbrella - to lump all Kinksters together into some huge monolithic "Kinksters Of The World Organization^tm", many or most of these kinks are totally unrelated. They may overlap frequently and they may have quite a strong correlation, but it's totally unsafe to assume that one kink causes another... Or that two different kinks are the same thing.

So Daphne, from her own experience, just assumed up front that submission and masochism were essentially inseparable, which I couldn't really disagree with more... And yet Ash's comment was that I was the first dominant she'd ever met who was actually also a sadist. The funny thing is, in this regard kink - especially when you're first exposed to it - is remarkably like science; circumstances sometimes make it hard to realize the assumptions you're making even as you're making them. I'm far more conscious of it than I used to be but I still am working through my own assumptions on a regular basis.

The Kinkster community is definitely one of the more accepting communities out there when it comes to differences in taste - after all, the biggest defining characteristic of anyone who self-identifies as "Kinky" is their own differences from the norm. The simplest and most common assumption, of course, is just assuming that everyone feels the same as you... Which is also should be the easiest to have proved false were it not for humans' endless potential for seeing what they want rather than what is really there. The second-most-common assumption is the mistake that Daphne made - that your own first- and second-hand experience is actually a definitive experience... That your boundaries are the only boundaries. This one I find far more understandable, and this is the one I struggle against most frequently.

So here's my advice for the day: expand your boundaries, and understand that you're a tiny dot in the middle of the hundred-dimensional Venn diagram of kink as a whole. Be brave; do a google search. Go to a munch. Visit collarme.com and look at their options for "interests". Dick around (literally or figuratively, your choice) on Fetlife for an hour, going through groups and profiles from your area. Go to your local kink-friendly bookstore (if you're that lucky!) and explore their selection. Go to your local adult toy store and explore their selection. Take the time to realize how many other interests there are out there. And above all else, hunt down your assumptions and examine every one of them as closely as you can. Your assumption may not have been wrong... But until you understand what it is and why, it'll always be a blind spot.

*cough, cough*

My apologies - this week ran away with me. Between last-second schedule changes with family, being sick Tuesday and Wednesday, and a business trip out to the other half of the state, I just never found the time to write up a proper entry. Rather than do a half-assed one, I decided to just take a pass and concentrate on next week's.

Be safe!

Tuesday Links

So I came across this question on Quora.com, a site similar to Yahoo Questions:

How do sexually submissive men get into successful relationships? Is it otherwise possible for a submissive man to change into a more "normal" person? Because most girls tend to prefer dominant male. (Please not "sexual submission" have nothing to do with being beta or socially inept.)

(original link: https://www.quora.com/Dating-and-Relationships-1/How-do-sexually-submissive-men-get-into-successful-relationships)

Short answer: The same way as everyone else... Find a partner who has the same interests as you (in this case, a dominant man or woman).

Long answer: So my problem here is, this question is framed in the idea that there's something wrong with a submissive relationship in the first place. I understand that they threw quotes around "normal", but it's an unfair implication; not being in the majority (which is itself an arguable statement in this context) doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with what you want... In this case, being a submissive male.

So how do sexually submissive men get into successful relationships? The same way as everyone else. They go to bars, get hooked up by friends, find dates online with Match or OkCupid or Fetlife, they hit on women they meet. The difference is just that you don't want a girl or guy that will sit back and let you take control in your sex life - you want one who takes charge for you. You will have exactly the same problems as everyone else - the majority of dates don't lead to relationships, and the majority of relationships don't last forever.

You'll also have exactly the same need as any other relationship to communicate your wants and needs. The biggest mistake too many people make in relationships is making compromises on their core needs in hopes they'll "get over it" or be able to change the other person. If you start off needing a sexually dominant woman and never *tell* them that, you're begging for failure. In exactly the same way you need to tell them what kinds of movies you like and what kinds of restaurants you want to go to, when the topic comes up you need to tell them what kind of things you're looking to get out of a sexual relationship.