Out in the Open

Folsom Street Fair is coming up in a few days. It's one of those events that fascinates me; I've never been to it, and I suspect I wouldn't actually enjoy it a huge amount, but I'm so intrigued that I want to go some year - just for the experience.

A lot of people are really upset by it, of course. Even in San Francisco, some people consider Folsom over-the-top. I suppose of anywhere in the country, SF may be the most accepting place they could find... I shudder to think the types of riots it may start in the south. Still, Folsom gets protests, and it shouldn't really surprise anyone.

Kink frequently has a terrible reputation in society in general, and there are a lot of reasons for it... Not the least of which is that it can be incredibly scary. There's a lot to be scared of. Just in the area of BDSM, there's loss of control; loss of privacy; pain, embarrassment, harassment, belittlement, discomfort, pain, and god only knows what else. More generally there's lack of tolerance or acceptance from society at large - a lot of people just aren't okay with the out-of-the-ordinary relationships that kinksters revel in.

Part of it is that kink is so often perceived to as not subtle. Either it's totally invisible, or so up-in-your-face that it scares you. That isn't true, of course; it's just that when it's not in-your-face most people don't notice it. A person in a collar and on a leash? Everyone on the street sees it, and most of them would be uncomfortable (at least on most streets). A person walking up the street with clamps on their body somewhere, or a butt plug in, or even more subtly heeling to their master? Most people would simply never notice. And that's an issue; subtle kink isn't recognized because it doesn't look like kink, while unsubtle kink is frequently more than a little obnoxious to those who aren't involved - or at least aren't interested.

Of course a huge part of this disconnect is the basic assumption society makes that anything that isn't obviously different therefore isn't different. This is what happens to bisexual folks all the time; a bisexual male married to a female is assumed to be straight, while a bisexual male married to a male is assumed to be gay... Even though it's never more than just an assumption. Similarly, anything that isn't obviously kinky is assumed to not be kinky... Even though often enough that isn't the case.

So when is it okay to be open about your kinks in public? And the answer is, of course, "it depends". What's totally acceptable in San Francisco at Folsom Street Fair could be totally unacceptable at a church in Cincinnati on a Sunday morning. Or anywhere near children. I mean, is it okay to go around in public with your sub or slave on a leash? It's legal, everywhere that I know of, but that doesn't mean it's okay. Many people won't appreciate it - won't appreciate having that world thrown in their face like that.

It's always going to come down to the area you're in and just how far you're pushing things. NYC cops still have to be reminded not to arrest topless women, even though it's legal. Something which is inherently legal can still cause you a great deal of trouble, with the police or otherwise - and honestly it's the "otherwise" that should scare most people. Like I discussed a bit back in the "poly and kids" area, letting the community around you know your actual lifestyle can get you - and your family - excluded and ostracized.

And there's definitely real danger here. What may seem innocent to you really may be private - even if that "privacy" is out in the open - and it's not fair to include other people in your private lives without their consent. Consent is a major piece of kink in general, and strangers on the street haven't given theirs. There's always a thrill to public play - some people enjoy it, some people don't - but that thrill is almost exclusively for the people involved. Mothers doing their grocery shopping mostly just don't want their afternoons interrupted, whatever the interruption may be... And some of them would be truly upset by a mostly-naked, bondage-leather-clad guy or girl on the street. Possibly most of them.

This is really a lot of empathy, and that can be incredibly hard. However much they don't want to hear it, most people aren't particularly empathetic, because it's hard to put yourself in someone else's position and see things how they might see it. Because it's hard to strip away all your preconceptions and assumptions and load yourself up with theirs.

If you're ever in doubt, just don't go public - or when you do, make sure it's subtle... As in "people don't notice it or can deny it in their own heads if they do". There are plenty of ways to exert ownership or control in public without being quite as blatant as most people would be in private - and it's far less likely to upset the muggles. It isn't so different from public displays of affection; in fact, really, it is public displays of affection... Just in ways normals may not recognize as affectionate rather than abusive.

And that, of course, is the real key. A person who sees a couple making out on the street probably won't do much. They may be vaguely offended by its being in public, but it's something they understand. If they're conservative and see two men kissing (read: homophobic), really, they're not upset that it's a couple making out; they're upset that they can't comprehend the couple who is making out isn't heterosexual - doesn't fit into their own world view. And seeing a Dom(me) leading their sub down the street on a leash... It's not affection; it's abuse.

So when in doubt, don't; you may not agree with their worldview, but everyone is entitled to their own. And then just be sneakier about how to get away with it. Instead of a collar, teach your sub to heel; instead of giving oral commands, teach them subtler hand commands or other signals. Make a game out of it. There's plenty of ways to kink in public without scaring the muggles!