So in Savage Love #295, Dan Savage gave the following quote:
"To 50 shaders, readers and people who are throwing shade on it, BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups with your pants off plus orgasms. People do it for fun; it is not a cry for help. Because there's some criticism sloshing around about the book, that the character who's kinky is portrayed as this psychologically damaged man who needs this woman to heal him and then he won't be kinky any more. [...] Some BDSMers take BDSM very very seriously of course, and strive to make it as real as possible; but it's still make-believe. [...] A marriage, for that matter, is only as real as the two people in it decide to make it. All human relationships are basically make-believe. I'm not saying that love ain't real, that marriage ain't real, but if the two people who are married to each other don't believe, they don't honour their commitment, they don't live up to the promises they've made to each other, they don't work to maintain that bond & those feelings of affection - it goes away. Marriage is a decision, it's a choice that people make, and it's a choice they don't make just once; they make it many many many times, hundreds of times, maybe even thousands of times over the course of a four, five, six decade marriage - to continue to believe in it. You know, a marriage is greater than the sum of its parts, a marriage is a kind of a Tinkerbell and you've got to clap, you've got to believe. Terry and I are married because we believe that we are; because we treat each other like we are, because we know ourselves to be. It's still a concept, it's still an idea of who we are and what we are to each other; and in that way, a marriage - even a successful one, a loving one - in that way a marriage is a kind of make believe."
Normally it makes me incredibly grumpy when he goes off on his "BDSM as make-believe" rants, because his attitude comes across as incredibly condescending; but in this context, I actually find myself agreeing with it. Relationships - any relationships - are exactly as real as they are to the people in them, no more, no less... No matter what type of relationship they are.
People get into relationships for all sorts of reasons. Ash and I get the question all the time; why did we get married? The answer (from me, at least) really comes down to "Besides the fact that she's incredibly good for me and my best friend? Well, we're planning on spending the rest of our lives together anyway, and government and private sectors extend almost no protections to non-spousal partners." It always feels a little mercenary to say you're marrying someone for the tax, insurance, and death benefits, but it's still true, at least in part - there's almost always a social pressure aspect to your relationships beyond the interpersonal one related directly to the two of you... Whether that pressure is familiar, personal, financial, legal, or something else.
When it comes down to it, though, the relationship you're in needs to work for you - for the people in it. A marriage of convenience is a relationship that works for you because of some benefit - financial or social status or a green card or whatever. A marriage for love is still a relationship that works for you because of some benefit - just the benefit is emotional rather than something else.
And of course most relationships are a mix. I like to imagine that most marriages are for love, but they still have social and legal and financial implications - generally, hopefully, good ones. There's nothing wrong with that, and anyone who isn't fooling themselves should realize that's the norm. But that doesn't mean the relationship necessarily means anything to anyone except you - the people involved in it. The benefits you get from it are yours; to everyone else, it's a label. It may be a label that affects your behaviour... But it's nothing more than that.
Unfortunately, it's very easy for people to look at their relationships and say "This fits social norms while yours doesn't, therefore your relationship isn't valid while mine is." They're forgetting that their relationship was a prioritization just as much as yours was; they prioritized their view of social norms, or financial benefits, or religious views, or whatever it might be over being single; just like you did. The perceived and actual benefits may be different, but it was the same decision.
Never let them talk down to your relationships just because they don't understand them. It's no different than their having a different favourite colour or preferring chocolate ice cream instead of strawberry or tea instead of coffee; they judged the situation by their own worldview and made a choice, just like you did. Never listen when they say your relationship isn't "real" just because the benefits are emotional rather than legal, or vice versa.
Being a sub or a slave is a mindset; it's a role that some people value. The fact that the majority of the world doesn't understand it puts them in the wrong, not you, for not seeing the prejudice they apply to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment