A more accurate description of the 50 Shades movie...
http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/post/109944117836/fucknorapeapologists-the6thsiren-50-shades-of
2015/02/09
2015/02/08
2015/02/03
To get back to it...
As I mentioned previously, I just finished When Someone You Love is Kinky. It was an interesting read, and I have mixed feelings about it. What it really comes down to at its heart is that it's meant to be handed to someone you're close to when they find out you're kinky, and give them enough of a background in a "safe" way to be able to handle you and the situation well.
On some level, the premise of this book really depresses me. I'm not saying it's wrong, or unnecessary; I'm saying it's really sad that something like this is necessary. This book is excellent for the task; it covers essentially all the bases and presents it in a gentle way to try and ease the easily scared into it. I can't even fairly criticize that it's aimed too much at bedroom play over lifestyle; there's no good way they could have lingered on that without ruining the whole approach. It's also balanced by the letters.
I mentioned last post, every chapter has a letter; the authors asked their friends, family and acquaintances to write a "letter you'll never send" - to their family, their coworkers, or whoever. In a lot of ways, they were far more "real" than the sections written by the actual authors. The author sections are very informative, but the letters really let you connect with some of these people... And they were far less gentle with the readers. All in all it's a well-balanced approach.
Speaking of the approach... This book's biggest fault is easily the extreme lengths it goes to to ease people into it. It is so paranoid about possibly scaring anyone off that the people who aren't scared will have trouble getting to the parts that are actually important.
So to summarize...
The Good:
The Bad:
The Conclusion:
Definitely something I'd recommend... But it's not perfect.
On some level, the premise of this book really depresses me. I'm not saying it's wrong, or unnecessary; I'm saying it's really sad that something like this is necessary. This book is excellent for the task; it covers essentially all the bases and presents it in a gentle way to try and ease the easily scared into it. I can't even fairly criticize that it's aimed too much at bedroom play over lifestyle; there's no good way they could have lingered on that without ruining the whole approach. It's also balanced by the letters.
I mentioned last post, every chapter has a letter; the authors asked their friends, family and acquaintances to write a "letter you'll never send" - to their family, their coworkers, or whoever. In a lot of ways, they were far more "real" than the sections written by the actual authors. The author sections are very informative, but the letters really let you connect with some of these people... And they were far less gentle with the readers. All in all it's a well-balanced approach.
Speaking of the approach... This book's biggest fault is easily the extreme lengths it goes to to ease people into it. It is so paranoid about possibly scaring anyone off that the people who aren't scared will have trouble getting to the parts that are actually important.
So to summarize...
The Good:
- Pretty comprehensive; a lot of information
- Very personal and easy to read
- Applicable to a wide audience
The Bad:
- Slow to start
- Slanted away from lifestyle kinksters
- Possibly too little too late?
- Sortof aimed at a niche and unfortunate premise
The Conclusion:
Definitely something I'd recommend... But it's not perfect.
2015/01/30
When Someone You Love is Kinky
Yesterday I finished reading this book - "When Someone You Love is Kinky", by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. I'll do a full proper review of it next week, but the thing I'll call out from it today is that every chapter has a letter in it - a letter written by someone the authors know, published semi-anonymously, but written as "The letter I will never send". Some are to spouses, some are to parents, some are to friends or coworkers or bosses... Most of them, though are very powerful. It's a fascinating way to make you think.
Were I to write one? I'd write it to my parents. I'd say "My family", but I'm pretty sure my sister already knows, and everyone else (everyone living, at least) is in a different country. All the things I wish they knew - but hedged by the fact that I'm terrified of their knowing. Fear of being rejected for who I really am, rather than loved for the partial impression they have now.
I won't copy one into this post, no matter how much I want to. I'll just say, I feel like this book is worth it just for these... Though these are the part of the book most easily replaced by something else - like Fetlife.
Anyway. Real review next week... And for now, have a good weekend.
Were I to write one? I'd write it to my parents. I'd say "My family", but I'm pretty sure my sister already knows, and everyone else (everyone living, at least) is in a different country. All the things I wish they knew - but hedged by the fact that I'm terrified of their knowing. Fear of being rejected for who I really am, rather than loved for the partial impression they have now.
I won't copy one into this post, no matter how much I want to. I'll just say, I feel like this book is worth it just for these... Though these are the part of the book most easily replaced by something else - like Fetlife.
Anyway. Real review next week... And for now, have a good weekend.
2015/01/27
Nostalgia
I've had a fairly large number of slaves and submissives over the years, going back more than 15 years now. I've had them in all sorts of contexts; in person only, online only, and a mix of both. People I've known for decades and people I'd known barely a few hours before playing with them. Full-on, permanent owned slaves to the gentlest of unnegotiated bedroom bondage.
Kelly is full-time slave who I actually originally met online - in World of Warcraft. I remember I first really got to know about her by sitting on voice chat with her while we were questing in Nagrand, which is possibly the geekiest way to get to know someone I've ever myself been party to. We grew close and learned a lot about each other. She was categorized as 100% disabled - legally blind due to a disease that had attacked her optic nerves and caused issues with her eyes, she had given up her job and spent most of her time taking care of her roommates. She was about five years older than me, and had been involved in BDSM before - as a Domme and Mistress - in more than one relationship. I'll be honest and say I don't know what made her ask to be mine; even in hindsight it surprises me... But for the 18 months or so she was mine, it was very good for me - for us.
I'm not going to go a lot into what we did; I just don't feel like delving publically into those private memories right now. We talked every day, frequently for hours. I offered her structure, she offered me obedience, and we both gave each other an escape.
The strongest memory I have of her is from her last visit to New York - of Kelly kneeling on my bed with her back against the wall, reading a book and waiting for me to finish what I was working on, smiling at the story while I smiled at her from my desk. It was... Peaceful, at a time in my life filled with much bitterness and sadness.
The thing that surprises people most about her and I... We never had a sexual relationship. That wasn't what either of us were looking for. This was before I self-identified as demisexual, so it was probably just as weird to me at the time; I understand at least that much of it much better in hindsight.
I eventually released her because we were drifting apart - our lives were pulling us in different directions; and when last I had news of her, a mutual acquaintance told me she'd been admitted to hospital with a brain tumour and a very short prognosis. I tried to get in touch with her, but I never received a response; I don't know why. At this point I can only assume it's too late to reconnect.
I don't know what brought her to mind the other day, but I've been thinking about her, and I miss her.
Kelly is full-time slave who I actually originally met online - in World of Warcraft. I remember I first really got to know about her by sitting on voice chat with her while we were questing in Nagrand, which is possibly the geekiest way to get to know someone I've ever myself been party to. We grew close and learned a lot about each other. She was categorized as 100% disabled - legally blind due to a disease that had attacked her optic nerves and caused issues with her eyes, she had given up her job and spent most of her time taking care of her roommates. She was about five years older than me, and had been involved in BDSM before - as a Domme and Mistress - in more than one relationship. I'll be honest and say I don't know what made her ask to be mine; even in hindsight it surprises me... But for the 18 months or so she was mine, it was very good for me - for us.
I'm not going to go a lot into what we did; I just don't feel like delving publically into those private memories right now. We talked every day, frequently for hours. I offered her structure, she offered me obedience, and we both gave each other an escape.
The strongest memory I have of her is from her last visit to New York - of Kelly kneeling on my bed with her back against the wall, reading a book and waiting for me to finish what I was working on, smiling at the story while I smiled at her from my desk. It was... Peaceful, at a time in my life filled with much bitterness and sadness.
The thing that surprises people most about her and I... We never had a sexual relationship. That wasn't what either of us were looking for. This was before I self-identified as demisexual, so it was probably just as weird to me at the time; I understand at least that much of it much better in hindsight.
I eventually released her because we were drifting apart - our lives were pulling us in different directions; and when last I had news of her, a mutual acquaintance told me she'd been admitted to hospital with a brain tumour and a very short prognosis. I tried to get in touch with her, but I never received a response; I don't know why. At this point I can only assume it's too late to reconnect.
I don't know what brought her to mind the other day, but I've been thinking about her, and I miss her.
2015/01/25
2015/01/23
Marriage Redux
Last night when we were headed to bed, Ash was talking about her friend - I think we'll use the name Abigail - and the fact that her marriage was in the process of ending... Or so it appears. Abby is wandering off into territory that she never really expected to be in. Not many people do expect to be there - I know I didn't, but back in 2005, 2006, 2007 I did. People make promises in marriage, "to have and to hold", "in sickness and in health"... But the vows never seem to account for "in lies and in truth", or "in miscommunication and in perfect understanding", or "in personality changes and epiphanies".
That's the real issue here, of course. As much as I hate my ex-wife - she's done enough to me that I feel she deserves it - I don't actually believe she married me maliciously. Rather, I believe she married me stupidly. I think if she had come out as gay, even just in her own head, she never would have married me; and if I'd known her at the time as well as I thought I did, I never would have married her.
I don't know Abby or Thaddeus (her husband), but I tend to assume the same - if they actually knew the situation they'd find themselves in now, they wouldn't have been married... And so I tend to give people in these situations the benefit of the doubt. There are people who - for all intents and purposes - marry maliciously... But they're very few and far between.
We don't know what's going on in Thad's head. At this point we (well, mostly Abby, but the people who care about her as well) are still trying to figure out if he's gay, if he's bi but thinks he's gay, if he's straight or bi but lying to Abby for whatever reason... We don't know what their future relationship is going to be. We don't know whether they're going to divorce, whether they're going to stay together in a companionate marriage, or whether they're going to clarify the situation and actually remain a couple.
The conversation, though, also touched on Abby's looking around at people to date, and the comment Ash related to me was when she said she felt weird talking to her gay husband about her dating life... To which Ash responded "Well, you're also talking to your pansexual friend in an open marriage to a dominant sadistic demi-sexual. Welcome to the club."
The problem isn't the idea of their having a companionate marriage, or an open marriage, or a child while not being married. None of those are actually an issue at all, except in the view of some of the more bigoted portions of society. The issue is that the marriage was based on a situation which didn't last - their mutual understanding that he was straight... And it's so frustrating, because it's avoidable! People are so terrified of being honest and open with their feelings and desires and lifestyles that they don't know what to do.
It'll get sorted out eventually; but it's painful for everyone involved until it does.
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