As Mike touched on last week, there is something inherently problematic about being a parent and kinky or in a non-standard relationship. He expressed his concerns about not knowing exactly where to start on explaining his/our life, and if he should even do so in the first place.
To be honest, I have concerns as well, but in a completely different realm.
Let's look at the facts: Mike's son is being raised by four parents:
-a conservative Christian lesbian mother
-her butch lesbian wife
-a kinky sadist poly demisexual father
-and me, an open-minded pansexual mildly kinky chronic masturbator (or something)
So my first question in regards to my stepson would have to be, "What if he grows up to be kind of normal?"
My second question would be something along the lines of, "who is going to guide him when it comes to being an average boy when he hits puberty?"
By all accounts, it seems likely he will turn into the average cis-gendered straight boy in a few years. He already seems to have a fondness for ladies, and he's just, you know, a boy. My worry is that he won't have a good basis for understanding how to appreciate his body, his sexuality, and not grow up in the dark about how this whole thing works and how to be safe.
Mike said his ex-wife gave their son "the talk" a few years ago, but we don't know exactly what that means. Did she give him the technical overview and then tack on the "and God doesn't want you to do this until you're married" bit at the end? When he hits puberty, is she going to teach him that masturbation is wrong and he is a monster if he does it?
He takes after his father in a lot of ways, so maybe sex won't be a thing that even occurs to him to care about. But if he does, it seems I had the closest to a "standard teen-boy libido" of everyone currently parenting the boy. So I guess, of everything, I'm not worried he'll find out about how his father and I are, but that he won't understand that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to show one's inherent sexuality and some people have odd ideas about what that means. I don't want him to grow up ashamed of his desires (assuming they don't end up being destructive to himself or others, which, statistically, is probably unlikely) and I don't want him to be unjustifiably conflicted over having desires in the first place, regardless of how "normal" they are or aren't.
The last thing this world needs is more people who don't know how to treat themselves and others. I still believe that most of us are trying our best on any given day (sometimes, as my mom likes to point out, our best kind of sucks), but there's sometimes only so much we can do with the information we are given in the first place.
2015/01/16
Growing Up
One of the more common topics of conversation between Ash and me (along with Pokemon, work, family, and a handful of others) is my son - and specifically, how he's growing up. It's funny; she met him about three years ago, and has watched a number of milestones for him. Growing out of his "crying over everything" phase; the first time he was tall enough to walk into a doorknob; getting big enough to get his own drinks; giving himself showers instead of being given baths... He's growing up and getting bigger and turning into a real person right before our very eyes.
And anyone who knows me and interacts with him can see how much he takes after me. He looks almost freakishly like I did back at that age, though the similarity is starting to decrease; but he has similar interests as me and his mind works very much the same way as mine. The way he plays games and the games he tends to gravitate towards match me; I've helped him with his homework for the last several years and he has the same strengths and weaknesses as I do academically, as well.
The natural fear for me, then, is that he's going to have some of the same problems I did with kink and his sexual identity. There's part of me that really wants to help him with it; after all, I've been through a lot and experienced second- and third-hand quite a bit more... And if he is going to end up with the same issues I did, I want to do my best to ease that transition. But I'm also victim to the same "Ewww, gross" reaction that's endemic to large parts of the population - very few people want to think about their parents having sex.
I know far more about my parents' sex life than I really want to, from the various times I've accidentally walked in on them having sex to the naked pictures they forgot to delete off of a digital camera I borrowed once to the books and movies and porn I've found at various points in my life. Even then they raised me quite conservatively; we never had "the talk". We never discussed this, and I know that informs my own discomfort in talking about it even now - a reaction I'm struggling quite actively against through avenues such as this blog. It's far too easy to assume that he will be the same way... But I really don't want him to be. So how does one handle that? What's my responsibility and ability to help him avoid the same issues? And where is it right for me to?
And this isn't to say, of course, that it's all about sex; because my fears actually lie far more heavily on relationships. For better or worse my son is not going to have a single traditional relationship in his family to lean on.
Note, I don't say "typical", because "the norm" has shifted so much recently. Divorced parents were, last time I heard, actually more common than not; and children (both biological and adopted) of homosexual couples are not particularly uncommon. Even if everyone was 100% certain of their sexuality from day one and was 100% honest about it with all of their partners - things both my and Ash's lives have proved to be utterly false - gays and lesbians aren't immune to the same familial urges as other folks. Families happen, however they grow and evolve... But my son has a lesbian mother and stepmother on the one side, and a demi-sexual poly father and bisexual stepmother on the other. On some level the poor boy doesn't stand a chance.
Far more than just the trouble in struggling through my own issues to talk to him, though, is when is it appropriate to do so? One concept I've shamelessly stolen from multiple sources (Fetlife, Dan Savage, Dear Abby, other blogs and advice columns) is the idea of the "right not to know". When do we start talking about these things, and when we do, how much do we talk about? There's a difference between knowing "Oh, yeah, your parents are kinky" and "Oh, yeah, I was triple-penetrating and whipping your mother last night".
I don't think anyone would hesitate to agree eight is far too young to hear that kind of detail about my sex life - I'd argue that thirty is too young to hear that kind of detail about my parents' sex life, if it weren't too late. More to the point, though... If we do find a girlfriend who becomes a part of our family, at what point do we say to the boy "Yes, she may not actually be married to us, but she's part of our family too"?
I don't know what the answer is; or more realistically, there probably isn't really a single answer to go with. I know I'm struggling with it, though, and I know many other folks are - whether they realize it or not. I guess if I figure it out I'll let you know.
I will say, though... My son may not have a chance of being "normal", but he'll certainly have a good example of how to be tolerant of the little differences that make all our families exciting.
And anyone who knows me and interacts with him can see how much he takes after me. He looks almost freakishly like I did back at that age, though the similarity is starting to decrease; but he has similar interests as me and his mind works very much the same way as mine. The way he plays games and the games he tends to gravitate towards match me; I've helped him with his homework for the last several years and he has the same strengths and weaknesses as I do academically, as well.
The natural fear for me, then, is that he's going to have some of the same problems I did with kink and his sexual identity. There's part of me that really wants to help him with it; after all, I've been through a lot and experienced second- and third-hand quite a bit more... And if he is going to end up with the same issues I did, I want to do my best to ease that transition. But I'm also victim to the same "Ewww, gross" reaction that's endemic to large parts of the population - very few people want to think about their parents having sex.
I know far more about my parents' sex life than I really want to, from the various times I've accidentally walked in on them having sex to the naked pictures they forgot to delete off of a digital camera I borrowed once to the books and movies and porn I've found at various points in my life. Even then they raised me quite conservatively; we never had "the talk". We never discussed this, and I know that informs my own discomfort in talking about it even now - a reaction I'm struggling quite actively against through avenues such as this blog. It's far too easy to assume that he will be the same way... But I really don't want him to be. So how does one handle that? What's my responsibility and ability to help him avoid the same issues? And where is it right for me to?
And this isn't to say, of course, that it's all about sex; because my fears actually lie far more heavily on relationships. For better or worse my son is not going to have a single traditional relationship in his family to lean on.
Note, I don't say "typical", because "the norm" has shifted so much recently. Divorced parents were, last time I heard, actually more common than not; and children (both biological and adopted) of homosexual couples are not particularly uncommon. Even if everyone was 100% certain of their sexuality from day one and was 100% honest about it with all of their partners - things both my and Ash's lives have proved to be utterly false - gays and lesbians aren't immune to the same familial urges as other folks. Families happen, however they grow and evolve... But my son has a lesbian mother and stepmother on the one side, and a demi-sexual poly father and bisexual stepmother on the other. On some level the poor boy doesn't stand a chance.
Far more than just the trouble in struggling through my own issues to talk to him, though, is when is it appropriate to do so? One concept I've shamelessly stolen from multiple sources (Fetlife, Dan Savage, Dear Abby, other blogs and advice columns) is the idea of the "right not to know". When do we start talking about these things, and when we do, how much do we talk about? There's a difference between knowing "Oh, yeah, your parents are kinky" and "Oh, yeah, I was triple-penetrating and whipping your mother last night".
I don't think anyone would hesitate to agree eight is far too young to hear that kind of detail about my sex life - I'd argue that thirty is too young to hear that kind of detail about my parents' sex life, if it weren't too late. More to the point, though... If we do find a girlfriend who becomes a part of our family, at what point do we say to the boy "Yes, she may not actually be married to us, but she's part of our family too"?
I don't know what the answer is; or more realistically, there probably isn't really a single answer to go with. I know I'm struggling with it, though, and I know many other folks are - whether they realize it or not. I guess if I figure it out I'll let you know.
I will say, though... My son may not have a chance of being "normal", but he'll certainly have a good example of how to be tolerant of the little differences that make all our families exciting.
2015/01/13
Going the Wrong Direction
I don't remember exactly where I found this, but I saw this article late last week:
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30735673
This article upset me a great deal in several ways. The most obvious one is the way they just lump any non-mainstream social behaviour into "mental disorders" and then pile up laws against it. It's just so... Alien to me. I understand that one of my myriad problems are that sometimes I just have a hard time relating to points of view that are too far alien to mine; and this is just one of those cases. It amazes me that in this day and age so many countries are willing to impose their own morality in the form of laws outlawing any lifestyle too far different from your own.
Of course, my own country - by adoption if not by birth - is not much better some days. South Dakota's ban on gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional just a few short hours ago, making it the 36th state to allow gay marriage. The 36th. With every single federal court case going in favour of gay marriage, you'd think that the states would see the writing on the wall and accept the inevitable, but instead all too many of them are fighting tooth and nail. It's taken decades to get this far, and the rearguard action from the conservatives on this particular losing battle is as pathetic as it is arrogant. Soon they'll turn back to their other remaining legal forms bigotry and things will settle down for another period of slow progress before another major hump gets crossed.
The line that upset me the most, though, actually wasn't the new law, or the way kink was lumped in with "other mental disorders". The piece that upset me the most was that the Russian Psychiatric Association didn't voice concern because it was asinine and based on something that wasn't reality; he voiced concern because, with the new law, people would avoid seeking psychiatric help.
It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me, with a number of things going on at work, at home, and in my personal life... But this really pushed my buttons. It isn't normally easy for me to get angry, but this really did push me over the edge.
Whatever. I'll see y'all in a few days - hopefully far more calm. And in the meantime, I'll proudly remember that me and my wife and almost every last one of my friends now cannot get a driver's license in Russia.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30735673
This article upset me a great deal in several ways. The most obvious one is the way they just lump any non-mainstream social behaviour into "mental disorders" and then pile up laws against it. It's just so... Alien to me. I understand that one of my myriad problems are that sometimes I just have a hard time relating to points of view that are too far alien to mine; and this is just one of those cases. It amazes me that in this day and age so many countries are willing to impose their own morality in the form of laws outlawing any lifestyle too far different from your own.
Of course, my own country - by adoption if not by birth - is not much better some days. South Dakota's ban on gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional just a few short hours ago, making it the 36th state to allow gay marriage. The 36th. With every single federal court case going in favour of gay marriage, you'd think that the states would see the writing on the wall and accept the inevitable, but instead all too many of them are fighting tooth and nail. It's taken decades to get this far, and the rearguard action from the conservatives on this particular losing battle is as pathetic as it is arrogant. Soon they'll turn back to their other remaining legal forms bigotry and things will settle down for another period of slow progress before another major hump gets crossed.
The line that upset me the most, though, actually wasn't the new law, or the way kink was lumped in with "other mental disorders". The piece that upset me the most was that the Russian Psychiatric Association didn't voice concern because it was asinine and based on something that wasn't reality; he voiced concern because, with the new law, people would avoid seeking psychiatric help.
It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me, with a number of things going on at work, at home, and in my personal life... But this really pushed my buttons. It isn't normally easy for me to get angry, but this really did push me over the edge.
Whatever. I'll see y'all in a few days - hopefully far more calm. And in the meantime, I'll proudly remember that me and my wife and almost every last one of my friends now cannot get a driver's license in Russia.
2015/01/09
I'm baaaaack!
Our move is, more or less, over. By the time you read this we'll have been in the new apartment for a week, have given up the keys to the old place, have moved everything over, have spent half a day cleaning, have argued with the local office manager, have fought tooth and nail against pets who feel it's their god-given duty to be pains in the ass, made dozens of trips up and down our new and exciting stairs... Generally the normal stress and effort of a move. But it's done - except for the last bit of unpacking and the new couch delivery in a week or so - and so it's slowly feeling more like home. Time to get back into the swing of things here!
So I found this picture on Tumblr, and it made me happy:
http://forgivemeprettybaby.tumblr.com/post/107342682135/darwincastillo-bdsm-positive-mental-health
But to quote it, it says:
First, let me just cheer this on! It's amazing. I did a very small amount of digging, and while this article actually looked fascinating:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
I suspect that this is the one it was referring to:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12192/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
getting full access through that site isn't cheap (without a subscription, it's $6 for a 48-hour pass, $15 for unlimited read-only access and $35 to actually buy a copy of the PDF), but I'm still incredibly tempted. For that matter I'm curious if I know anyone who has access to those journals who may be able to get me copies...
My new quest is to find copies of those without spending an enormous amount of money, apparently.
More seriously though... It's one of those things where I've known in the back of my head that there's a lot of research into the area of kink for a long while now, but have never gone looking for it. It's really worth my time and - within limits, of course - resources to do so.
So I found this picture on Tumblr, and it made me happy:
http://forgivemeprettybaby.tumblr.com/post/107342682135/darwincastillo-bdsm-positive-mental-health
But to quote it, it says:
The Journal of Sexual Medicine revealed that those who engage in bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) may be more psychologically healthy than those who don't. The study authors think being open about your sexual kinks leads to a self-acceptance that can translate into positive mental health. So break out the restraints, if it's your thing!
First, let me just cheer this on! It's amazing. I did a very small amount of digging, and while this article actually looked fascinating:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
I suspect that this is the one it was referring to:
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12192/abstract?deniedAccessCustomisedMessage=&userIsAuthenticated=false
getting full access through that site isn't cheap (without a subscription, it's $6 for a 48-hour pass, $15 for unlimited read-only access and $35 to actually buy a copy of the PDF), but I'm still incredibly tempted. For that matter I'm curious if I know anyone who has access to those journals who may be able to get me copies...
My new quest is to find copies of those without spending an enormous amount of money, apparently.
More seriously though... It's one of those things where I've known in the back of my head that there's a lot of research into the area of kink for a long while now, but have never gone looking for it. It's really worth my time and - within limits, of course - resources to do so.
2015/01/04
On moving and things
Moving is hard, and the pent up anxiety leading up to this whole strangely-orchestrated ordeal made me crash mentally and emotionally more than I have in a long time. I couldn't bring myself to blog last week because all I wanted to do was whine and cry and say things I didn't mean because my mind was in a bad place.
We made it through, we are now in an apartment better suited to our needs, and we are exhausted -- Mike more so than me, given he has bigger muscles and a better center of gravity, making lifting and carrying vaguely easier for him than for me.
Bonus for me, though: watching Mike heft things like they're nothing is a major turn on. Unfortunately for him, I'm more turned on than normal and he's just tired and not really feeling it.
Mike's long-suffering son was with us, which has been difficult on many levels. One, it's hard to explain to an eight year old why we have a collection of collars and whatnot, plus we have to carefully open boxes in case he gets an eye full of a neon pink jelly toy that no one should know I have.
Being an adult is hard. Being a sexually interested adult moving from one abode to another is also hard; I think I lost a few pounds praying that none of my toys "went off" in transit. It's bad enough the one mover spent almost an hour total in our bathroom. I don't need them speculating on what I put in my lady business.
I'm not sure this has much of a point. I haven't been able to relax yet, I don't know where my box of toys are (Mike packed them, and I'm not entirely convinced he didn't hide them in the hopes of driving me crazy by withholding orgasm), but here's hoping I have something better to talk about in a few days.
Happy New Year, everyone.
2015/01/02
Today is the day...
...that the lovely Ash and I are moving. Please forgive the mess, and we'll be back to our regularly scheduled shenanigans next week.
2015/01/01
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)