Bonus Links!

Offered without comment.

http://antastesia.tumblr.com/post/99206375590/spacesforaces-raising-awareness-about

Fifty Shades of Grey, BDSM, and Abuse

I found this at http://theladyinblack13.tumblr.com/image/94277426686; it appears to actually be a copy of a reddit post at http://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/2byz2l/many_women_do_not_agree_with_me_on_this_subject.

With Fifty Shades of Grey being made into a movie, I've tried to raise awareness how this book is not about BDSM, but rather domestic and sexual abuse. Many women argue that the relationship in the book is BDSM, but that paints BDSM in a bad light.

BDSM is a community that believes in safety & comfort. Consent is always necessary, and partners take care of each other. After acts and roleplays, partners comfort each other to help transition out of that zone. FSOG does not include any of this. Mr. Grey gives Anastasia (a then-virgin) an ultimatum; to sign a contract or leave. She is sexually inexperienced (being a virgin) and he manipulates that to push her boundaries to make it seem like the sexually violent things he is doing to her are okay. There are instances where after an act, he is mad at her for being upset, but does not comfort her. He uses alcohol to sway her consent - this is by law rape. There is also an instance where she uses the safe word, yet he continues. That is consent being retracted, and Christian ignores the retraction of consent. That is sexual assault.

Those are not the only problematic instances. Anastasia begins to hide things in fear of Christian's anger. He becomes jealous and easily angered. Anastasia fears for her safety. Experts have even matched her behavior with that of abused women, in accordance with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's description of partner violence.

This book completely throws people who participate in BDSM completely under the bus by misrepresenting BDSM as a whole. Bad people do sneak into BDSM to find a way to escape persecution for their violent ways, but the majority of those in BDSM are not abusive, like this book would have you believe.

This book romanticizes and fetishizes abuse, and painting abuse in a 'sexy' and 'fun' light is really dangerous for women. 1 in 5 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, that's why this book should not be defended. Making this behavior seem okay to accept from a man is dangerous, and people will be influenced to dabble in 'BDSM,' but not have an actual idea of what it is, and they will get hurt.

It is up to every individual what they read, never anyone else. The point of this post is to point out how FSOG isproblematic, not to police anyone's reading habits. I know many women (and men) defend this book and don't understand how it can be seen as abuse, but it is. And I hope more awareness will be raised so this does not influence others

I've unfortunately dealt with specific accusations of abuse in the past - a friend of my sub who found out what we were doing and called the police. It was - thankfully! - dealt with without any trouble, but it had the potential to be serious - and to be on my permanent record. The problem is, nothing illegal was happening... But that's not the standard by which most people respond to it. People see BDSM, see consensual play between adults who are enjoying themselves, and sometimes their first reaction is to panic at the terrible things being done. And Fifty Shades somehow managed to flip that on its head.

Fifty Shades takes a twisted version of BDSM and presents it as something erotic. It makes me sick that to so much of the world, BDSM is popularized by what's essentially an ass hole who doesn't get it. Who's doing a good job of fucking up his sub.

When you're introducing someone new to BDSM, the biggest thing - in my experience - that you have to guard against is preconceptions and assumptions. Having exposure to BDSM in general, having positive attention pointed at it, is good; having attention that seems positive but gives people such a terrible set of assumptions to work from is making it worse for those of us who already have an uphill fight to not be seen as monsters.

I feel sometimes like I'm harping on this, but I can't say it enough; check your assumptions. "Knowing" how BDSM works is almost invariably wrong - because, just like every other relationship, everyone is different. It doesn't matter what's "right" or "wrong", because those don't exist in this context. It only matters what works for you and your partner.

Harriet the Spy has been around for plenty long - according to Wikipedia it was first published in 1964, well before I was born - but I've never read it. I spent more of my time reading action and science fiction and fantasy instead. Still, I ran across the following quote the other day and I liked it very much:

You’re an individual, and that makes people nervous. And it’s gonna keep making people nervous for the rest of your life. Stay true to who you are and accept the cost.

- Harriet the Spy, “Be Yourself”

I certainly can understand the idea of making people nervous; I've spent most of my life doing so. It's not just my kinks, either; after all, I spent most of my life keeping them mostly hidden. I've been an outsider for most of my life. I was a math geek, a nerd, a theatre and music geek; I didn't play sports, I didn't hang out with the popular kids, and I was far more likely to be found playing Magic: The Gathering or with my nose in a book than "hanging out". Once I started understanding my kinks and exploring them - talking to people about them - there were a couple of blunders that *could* have been much worse; I was lucky not to have been outed to my entire school. I have a habit of being quiet and then very blunt; I understand people and read them well, but I make some people uncomfortable because I'm not often willing to lie to them. None of this made me popular, and I paid that cost - the cost of being myself, and spending time on the things and people that were important to me ostracized me for a decade in school.

It's very easy to look at that and say "Well, your problems are so juvenile!" And to some extent, of course they are - they started when I was 10 or less. That doesn't mean they aren't still true, even worse in some cases.

I mentioned this quote to my friend and coworker Ace, and her response was:

You know, it's something I really wish I heard when I was younger. Not that I didn't hear a variety of terms like that just that I didn't "hear" that. Stay true to who you are. I was always told I didn't fit in and I needed to.

I've touched on this before... But being yourself, when society can be so hostile and not hiding your kinks or your interests seems so dangerous, can be scary. But building a good life as someone you aren't isn't actually building a good life - it's building a lie. Keep that in mind.

Bonus Link!

I liked this, especially since it related back to one of my recent posts. Enjoy!

http://cinematicsymphony.tumblr.com/post/98998038935/bodysexgender-thisisaurlbytheblackkeys-true

An amazing webcomic series...

Persephone pointed me - almost accidentally - to a webcomic which currently appears to be stored on Deviantart. I have another entry done, but this... By the end of chapter one, I was laughing; by the end of chapter two, I was crying. For anyone interested in BDSM, you need to take a few hours and read this.

http://shiniez.deviantart.com/

http://shiniez.deviantart.com/gallery/35675685/chapter-1-completed

http://shiniez.deviantart.com/gallery/36852626/chapter2-completed

http://shiniez.deviantart.com/gallery/39094918/chapter3-completed

Friday Links!

For those of you who don't know, today is my birthday; and I've taken a couple of days off to relax with family. However, I didn't want to leave you all hanging... So instead I'll leave you with this article - a vanilla (more or less) reporter's experience visiting a local house which specializes in indulging both slaves and masters/mistresses. I hope you enjoy!

http://metroland.net/2014/09/18/a-place-to-play/

My Relationship is NOT Just Pixie Dust and Leather!

So in Savage Love #295, Dan Savage gave the following quote:

"To 50 shaders, readers and people who are throwing shade on it, BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups with your pants off plus orgasms. People do it for fun; it is not a cry for help. Because there's some criticism sloshing around about the book, that the character who's kinky is portrayed as this psychologically damaged man who needs this woman to heal him and then he won't be kinky any more. [...] Some BDSMers take BDSM very very seriously of course, and strive to make it as real as possible; but it's still make-believe. [...] A marriage, for that matter, is only as real as the two people in it decide to make it. All human relationships are basically make-believe. I'm not saying that love ain't real, that marriage ain't real, but if the two people who are married to each other don't believe, they don't honour their commitment, they don't live up to the promises they've made to each other, they don't work to maintain that bond & those feelings of affection - it goes away. Marriage is a decision, it's a choice that people make, and it's a choice they don't make just once; they make it many many many times, hundreds of times, maybe even thousands of times over the course of a four, five, six decade marriage - to continue to believe in it. You know, a marriage is greater than the sum of its parts, a marriage is a kind of a Tinkerbell and you've got to clap, you've got to believe. Terry and I are married because we believe that we are; because we treat each other like we are, because we know ourselves to be. It's still a concept, it's still an idea of who we are and what we are to each other; and in that way, a marriage - even a successful one, a loving one - in that way a marriage is a kind of make believe."

Normally it makes me incredibly grumpy when he goes off on his "BDSM as make-believe" rants, because his attitude comes across as incredibly condescending; but in this context, I actually find myself agreeing with it. Relationships - any relationships - are exactly as real as they are to the people in them, no more, no less... No matter what type of relationship they are.

People get into relationships for all sorts of reasons. Ash and I get the question all the time; why did we get married? The answer (from me, at least) really comes down to "Besides the fact that she's incredibly good for me and my best friend? Well, we're planning on spending the rest of our lives together anyway, and government and private sectors extend almost no protections to non-spousal partners." It always feels a little mercenary to say you're marrying someone for the tax, insurance, and death benefits, but it's still true, at least in part - there's almost always a social pressure aspect to your relationships beyond the interpersonal one related directly to the two of you... Whether that pressure is familiar, personal, financial, legal, or something else.

When it comes down to it, though, the relationship you're in needs to work for you - for the people in it. A marriage of convenience is a relationship that works for you because of some benefit - financial or social status or a green card or whatever. A marriage for love is still a relationship that works for you because of some benefit - just the benefit is emotional rather than something else.

And of course most relationships are a mix. I like to imagine that most marriages are for love, but they still have social and legal and financial implications - generally, hopefully, good ones. There's nothing wrong with that, and anyone who isn't fooling themselves should realize that's the norm. But that doesn't mean the relationship necessarily means anything to anyone except you - the people involved in it. The benefits you get from it are yours; to everyone else, it's a label. It may be a label that affects your behaviour... But it's nothing more than that.

Unfortunately, it's very easy for people to look at their relationships and say "This fits social norms while yours doesn't, therefore your relationship isn't valid while mine is." They're forgetting that their relationship was a prioritization just as much as yours was; they prioritized their view of social norms, or financial benefits, or religious views, or whatever it might be over being single; just like you did. The perceived and actual benefits may be different, but it was the same decision.

Never let them talk down to your relationships just because they don't understand them. It's no different than their having a different favourite colour or preferring chocolate ice cream instead of strawberry or tea instead of coffee; they judged the situation by their own worldview and made a choice, just like you did. Never listen when they say your relationship isn't "real" just because the benefits are emotional rather than legal, or vice versa.

Being a sub or a slave is a mindset; it's a role that some people value. The fact that the majority of the world doesn't understand it puts them in the wrong, not you, for not seeing the prejudice they apply to you.