The forest for the trees

It's not the trees that make us afraid of the forest - it's the things the trees hide.

I listen to a lot of podcasts, which I know I've referenced before; and in particular, I've recently started listening to Lore, which is a podcast about folklore - about vampires and werewolves, about H. H. Holmes, about a haunted railroad tunnel in western Massachusetts. The host made the above quote in episode 7, and it struck me as a very meaningful comment.

The house I grew up in was a split-level and my bedroom was all the way at the end on the upper level. By the time I was in junior high and high school I'd end up being awake for a couple of hours after my parents, and going to bed involved travelling from the basement up through the kitchen and then the full length of the house back in the other direction, turning off lights behind me as I went; and when I was 10 or 12 I was afraid of the dark. I'd end up sprinting from the kitchen to my room with the yawning black mouth of the downstairs hallway behind me. Even then I knew how absurd it was; I had walked that hallway a dozen times that day and thousands of times in the past and knew it was both empty and perfectly safe... But I was still afraid. And as Lore said, I wasn't afraid of the dark - of the trees - but of the monster that would leap out of it and grab me. Of the thing the dark was hiding.

I like to think that this is true in BDSM as well. Honestly? Most of the things people are scared of about kink aren’t really scary - it’s what they’re masking that you’re afraid of. Maybe to some people it’s making too fine a point of it, but I’m not afraid of admitting I’m a dominant, or a sadist, or a demi-sexual, or that I’m poly; they’re just the trees in the forest. I’m afraid of what they might bring when I’ve admitted them. The reality of it is that everything you fear is what the people you’re admitting it to bring back to the situation.

It’s such an irrational fear in most ways, but no less real. There’s real danger in certain situations - hostile people who have power over you in some way, be it professional or personal. You are still best off, in these cases, looking for the true fears - for the things behind the trees. Only then can you really address them properly.

Technical Difficulties

I know I've missed an entry and will be missing another today. The reason, for the most part, is Google's recent announcement that - in a couple of weeks - they will be disallowing "explicit sexual content" on Blogger. I know that for the most part that does not apply to my writing and commentary, but I also know that some people would consider what I write to be in that category. I'm trying to decide what to do, and - most likely - where to move. I'll get back to you all soon.

Another book for the list...

Today's post is going to be a relatively short one. This is digging back a couple of years, but here's an interview on Salon with Hanne Blank, the author of "Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality."

http://www.salon.com/2012/01/22/the_invention_of_the_heterosexual/

I'll encourage you all to read the interview, and - if it's your type of thing - check out the book. It's on my list now... As are a couple of her other books.

A Few Things Worth Knowing

The lovely Ash sent me this link:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm

Buzzfeed is often amusing, but recently I've been surprised at how intelligent it can be... And in this case, it's one of the most concise-and-yet-helpful resource I've found. It doesn't have the depth of information that

My only real problem with it - unsurprisingly, to those who know me - is #8. It's not even that it's wrong, so much as it's incomplete. Many - most, really - kinksters deal in scenes... But not everyone, and not all the time. I understand that that message scares people, because it's the frightening edge of our culture and society... But it's still valuable to the people who live out there to know they're not excluded even by other kinksters.

Anyway. There's certainly places where this list could be expanded... And the sheer number of books that cover individual points on this list should prove that beyond anyone's doubt. Still, this list is worth your time.

Bonus Links!

A good rant on the subject of 50 Shades of Gray:

http://babysubmissive.tumblr.com/post/110584059273/over-the-last-several-days-ive-seen-quite-a-few

Dear Polly...

One of the various things I read online these days is Ask Polly, an advice column. Advice columns frequently amuse me, and I go through phases of reading them and not - mostly depending on the balance of how many of them recently have amused me vs. have disturbed or upset me. Just yesterday, though, was this one:

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/02/ask-polly-how-do-i-stop-hating-myself.html

It's one I identify with. There are any number of differences, of course, but the core of his problem - self-acceptance - is my biggest battle and frequently the biggest problem of kinky people. It's not really too hard to understand why, either; after all, accepting one's being divorced or accepting one's being a vegetarian is easy - your friends, your family, your coworkers will all support you. Being kinky is sortof like being gay in this respect; some people people will love and support you anyway, some people will turn against you because of it, and some people - maybe most people - are happier never knowing. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, and yet it's hard to convince yourself of that when the world around you tries hard to convince you otherwise.

It could be worse; most of us can pass as norms. Many of us come across as eccentric or weird, but we can get by in everyday life. That's not true of all of us - some of us are stuck between being miserable and denying ourselves, or being excluded and even arrested. Some of us need help to avoid being a statistic - and a depressing statistic at that.

There are resources out there, and one of the most useful is the Kink-Aware Professional's Directory. It's not perfect and it's not complete, but it's a good starting point - and sometimes, the people on that list are the difference between freedom and jail time... Or life and death.

Even if you aren't kinky, remember how much the kinky people in your life need your support, your love, and - above all else - your acceptance.

Coming Out as a Modern Family

Here are a couple of lovely links from last year:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/fashion/coming-out-as-a-modern-family-modern-love.html

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/maria-bello-gay-article-1.1534522

I'll admit, I found these articles immensely uplifting. The way Jackson reacted to his mother's admission about Clare was as reassuring as it could have been. The article is such a good reflection of what I've tried to say, though, from end to end. This quote so carefully summarizes the fear we all have:

“But Jack, I’m a little scared,” I said. “When I was younger, people judged you if you were in a romantic relationship with a person of the same sex, and some still do. So I’m not sure how to deal with this. But we’ll figure it out together.”

Maria Bello has anything but a traditional relationship; she has a close-knit relationship with multiple platonic and romantic/sexual partners... She's comfortable with it, though, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of her being able to be totally open and out about her lifestyle. And of course, it's a little different - at least, openly, it's different, not being kinky - but still... The bravery it must have taken is amazing.

The biggest lesson to take away from this, though, is the fact that Jackson came to her and asked if there was something she wasn't sharing. Children are observant, and very open about things; adults may not seem as observant, and are much more reserved about calling things out... But the people actually closest to you probably know more than you're telling them.